You’ve finally figured out what is wrong with an individual who has taken advantage of you, abused you, perhaps even assaulted you. Reading Lovefraud, you realize that he or she is a sociopath.
Now, you’re an emotional wreck. You’ve been profoundly betrayed. You’re justifiably angry. Plus, the sociopath has caused you real problems. Perhaps all your money is gone. Or you’re in a vicious child custody battle. You’ve lost your job, your savings or your home. You suffer from anxiety, depression or PTSD. You feel so far down that you don’t even know which direction is up.
You are outraged by the sociopath’s actions. You are further outraged that after this individual bulldozed through your life, he or she seems to be facing absolutely no consequences. The predator has simply moved on to a new target, leaving you in a heap of ashes.
You want your life back. You want to sociopath to be accountable for the destruction he or she caused. And you want to make sure he or she never does this to another human being. But the predator turns on the charm, or plays the victim, or convinces everyone that you are mentally unstable. No one seems to be able to help you. In fact, no one even understands what you’re talking about.
It’s infuriating. If you were honest with yourself, you’d have to admit that you really want revenge.
“Living well is the best revenge”
This proverb was recorded by the English poet George Herbert in 1651. Perhaps whoever originally said it hundreds of years ago knew about sociopaths.
Right now, with your life in tatters, you probably feel like “living well” is an impossible dream. But you can start working towards that goal immediately—and stick it to the sociopath in the process.
The sociopath’s prime objective in life is power and control. If you deny the sociopath power and control over you, you take away what he or she wants most.
The power and control that the sociopath exerts is primarily over your thoughts and emotions. You can break that power and control, and it doesn’t even have to cost you any money. The first step, of course, is No Contact. We talk about No Contact all the time on Lovefraud, but if you need a refresher course on how to do it, read:
It’s true that No Contact is difficult in many cases, such as if you share children with the sociopath, or you work together. In these situations, you need to get to Emotional No Contact. That means you detach emotionally; you do not allow him or her to upset you. There are caveats to this as well, because sociopaths are capable of atrocious behavior that really pushes your buttons. In these cases, you certainly deserve to be upset—just don’t let the sociopath see it.
Remember, they want power and control. If they see that they have triggered you, they know that they still have power and control over you.
The key, therefore, is to focus on healing yourself and improving your life. It will take time. It will require processing the pain, disappointment and anger of the betrayal. But if you decide to recover, you can do it. For more on this, read:
5 steps to recovery from the sociopath (they’re not fast or easy, but the healing is real)
This does not mean that the sociopath should get away with what happened. But if you want to hold the sociopath accountable, you need to do it from a position of strength. Working on your own recovery is the best way to develop the strength.
“Revenge is a dish best served cold”
The source of this statement is also unclear—it was first translated from French to English in 1846, but apparently was already a proverb by then.
It’s not a good idea to consciously go out to seek revenge. (Another proverb attributed to the Chinese philosopher Confucius states, “Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves.”) But as time goes by and you build your inner strength, you may suddenly find yourself faced with an opportunity to hold the sociopath accountable.
The sociopath, of course, will continue a life of destruction. Eventually, he or she may target the wrong person or seriously break the law, and someone may contact you to find out what you know about this disordered individual. Then, in a calm and collected manner, you can describe your experience, provide evidence that proves a pattern of behavior, and contribute to some type of justice—whether it’s getting the individual prosecuted, exposed in the media, or just ruining his or her efforts with yet another potential victim.
Revenge may be possible, but probably not right away. So focus on your first priority, which is healing your own life. Then, be patient. By releasing the pain and upset of your betrayal, you’ll be ready when an opportunity arrives for justice.
To you, justice will be sweet revenge.
My own father once saw an opportunity to call a sociopath accountable. His secretary embezzled him for about $10,000 one year. He filed a police report, took her to court, all that, yes — but his real masterpiece of revenge was filing a W-9 with the IRS for all that extra “income” she made. So then she had to pay taxes on it. Brilliant, and cold as a fish.
The other tactic — getting off on the drama — that is, being too distraught to do anything — is classic victim behavior, and that just opens up another door for sociopaths. In fact, I sometimes wonder if people who advertise their victimhood so publicly, making hay out of it, are sociopaths themselves.
My good friend has Borderline Personality Disorder. I love him dearly. He would do anything to help me. It is unfortunate when he has his (now rare because he has chosen counseling) “bouts” of upsetting behavior. His kindness and empathy outshine his illness and he is always genuinely remorseful. Maybe his BPD is lower on the spectrum, but he is very high on the loving kindness scale over the decade I have known him.
The sociopath, on the other hand, does not seem capable of stopping his evil behaviors. He plays a cat and mouse game. No love is apparent. And he seems to have a type of brain damage to the point of inability to understand others at all. I have known him for a long time, been around him off and on since 1996 and he has not changed a single thing about himself or his skewed view of the world. He makes statements about his view of the world and calls them “facts.” He makes it very clear that no other view will be discussed. If I try to talk about personal responsibility, kindness to other human beings, etc., he goes back and forth between outright attacks directed at me or he does feign victimhood. He is very transparent, though, the more I read about sociopaths and how different their brains and thinking are. His brain is not capable of having feelings. My BPD friend absolutely is capable of love, responsibility, and compassion. Steve Becker wrote an article a few weeks ago comparing BPD traits to those of a sociopath. It was very helpful to me in determining the difference between these two male friends. One is loving and loveable in spite of having BPD from an abusive childhood. The other is hateful and very difficult to care for as he was born that way and can not seem to understand anything beyond what is in him.
Both of these disordered people can be very difficult. But, my BPD friend is a good person with a brain capable of goodness. Becker’s article helped me to understand that.
I’d love to see Becker’s article. He writes good stuff.
As to choosing to love a BPD, I respect that, but I caution as well. I “chose” to love my sister, knew how to “handle” her and that she wasn’t all bad, and in the end, realized that her delusional state was doing real damage. I refused to keep rationalizing my “love.” Moreover, I suspect that BPDs are just as good at partitioning their emotions as sociopaths are; the labels are just generalizations, and reality is more complex than the DSM.
So, because the diagnosis is not clearly, 100%, no-doubt, sociopath, that has been a very uncertain decision for me.
It’s a gray area, so I appreciate the support here for my No Contact stance — or at least “greyrocking” when contact is inevitable.
I’ve had a lot of spiritual expansion lately, toward understanding where others are coming from, seeing through my own illusions, how I create my own situations, and so on. Amid all that, it is very hard not to notice my broken relationship with Sister. Shouldn’t I be above all that? Shouldn’t I be able to use this new awareness to mend things? Do I, or don’t I, truly love my sister and accept all the challenges love brings? I cannot really answer that. It will always be a puzzle, because maybe the spiritual challenge here is to live apart from people and things that are not part of my true self and waste my time. Maybe sociopaths and BPDs take advantage of even yogis and masters.
I have had no contact with my ex domestic pschopath partner for a few months and I haven’t seen him in 8 months, but he still calls every month to let me know he’s still out there. I never answer when he calls but it still scares the hell out of me. I feel so stupid for what I let him get away with! He once strangled me until I blacked out, and I never called the police. I’m a lot stronger now, but I wish I could get over the fear. I started counseling about 5 months ago and went on antidepressants, but that dam fear of ‘what next?’ Anyone??? Plz
Orange, like you my exspath assaulted me(in front of his 4 year old) and I never called the police. He scared me into thinking it was my fault and I would bear the brunt of it. He threatened me saying things like “you better watch what you do” after I exposed him to his new GF after he contacted me for sex a few months back. I also like you feel FOOLISH of the things I let him get away with. His ex and current GF think I’m absolutely NUTS and when I was trying to expose him to them they threatened me with “harassment” his ex has a child with him so she needs to justify and protect him. Its sad. The new GF is in for a lot of pain and heartache. Even after I SHOWED her emails he wrote wanting sex he CONVICED her that I made them up!!! She bought it. Its sad too. Sorry that was a rant….
What’s next? I thought that too. Not only was I scared of him I was scared of breaking the addiction and getting on with my life. I had lost many friends, had an alcohol dependancy, couldn’t sleep, wasn’t exercising. I had a lot to overcome because of him. I just went easy on myself and tackled each barrier one by one… I just GOT UP!! And I ran around the block, walked my dog, stretched, started visiting other people and NOT talk about my ex taking an interest in their lives. And BLOCK his number… then you’re not waiting around or expecting a call.
Take care
serenity12, thank you so very much! I stoped trying to protect other people because it always got turned around that I was crazy. I say a prayer every night for peace and forgiveness for all of us(survivors). As for my ex I don’t wish him harm but I pray the last time I see him is at the dissolution of our domestic partnership. Thank you again serenity12.
Sometimes I feel sad that he has a new life, a new GF, seems to be happy and has totally forgotten about me(I’ve learned here that its not always the case but still…) Unfortunately we live close together and involved with the same educational community so at times I hear what he’s up to. It hurts that I am alone and still thinking about the pain this man caused my life. Like you I am definitely stronger, but I still have weak moments. I am still at a point where I do wish harm upon him. I still want that ultimate revenge but know now that seeking it out causes nothing but pain because they are MASTER manipulators.
Sometimes I look at it like this: Before I met him I was a smart, successful vibrant person. During our relationship those qualities were challenged and compromised. Nature wouldn’t allow things to flow smoothly because he was trying to undermine those things and it drove me MAD because it wasn’t NATURAL. I know this to be true because now that I am out for a good 6 months I feel that natural balance restoring and I don’t feel MAD anymore. I look at his ex and his current GF and it appears that their lives have always been full of drama and a lack of education and understanding so its more natural for them to stay and defend him. They don’t FEEL that unnatural state like I did.
I worry about bumping into him. What will happen I don’t know? Will I be calm? Will I ignore him? Will he ignore me? Will he approach me like NOTHING ever happened? (as he’s done so many times) I am fearful of that….
Serenity, I came upon this little piece of advice on the web…wrote it down cause it seemed to be relevant for me…hope it resonates with you too!!!
Have intention to have peace in your life….
The drama and old patterns will start to dissipate…
YOUR emotions will come up for examination and release….
With YOU at the helm….the person in control…
NOT the people who hurt you.
xxx
serenity12~
Oh Dear…you miss a toothache when it’s gone, it doesn’t mean you want it back! You feel crazy because that’s the way they play the game, they do their best to keep you off your feet as much as possible. Ever notice when you are the most upset, they are perfectly calm…a game to make you think you are crazy. No matter what they do, you aren’t entitled to upset. My exspath minimized the magnitude of everything he did. When i caught him answering personal adds on Craigslist, he said that was no different than a “wolf whistle”. When i caught him making a date with another man from a personal add on Craigslist he minimized it by saying he didn’t know it was a man…well, that makes me feel better, you’re not a gay cheater, you’re just a cheater! But, hey, i was nuts because i got angry about him doing this stuff! My exspath was very well spoken and seemingly intelligent, but i could make him believe the moon was cheese if i wanted to. He tried to discredit me in every way he could. He constantly told me i was a psycho. If i am a psycho and i can hold a professional position with the same company, own multiple houses and cars, then what is he who has been fired from every job he has ever had and doesn’t have a penny to his name or a place to go when i put his sorry ass out or a car to drive there if he did? He even had the nerve to try to make me believe that the only reason i even had my job was because he was kind enough not to get me fired when he printed an email thread between a friend and myself mentioning that i had given him a couple of my prescription pain pills, that being a federal crime, my having a Top Secret clearance, he figured that would surely get me fired. He was always trying to catch me doing something wrong so he could use it against me with my job. I had my job 23 yrs before i met him, my employment had nothing to do with him. But come to think of it i might have lost my clearance if they knew i was with a psychopath like him! Anyhow, if they can keep you upset, feeling and acting crazy then they can use it as leverage. And, yes, they have silver tongues and can convince their new groupies that they are innocent. Stop beating yourself up, it’s him, not you!
R
serenity12~
One more thing, he doesn’t have a new happy life. If he did he wouldn’t be trying to see you! Life with him is miserable, no matter who he’s with. Cheating is bad enough, but with the ex, that is so disrespectful and disgusting…
R
Thank you so much, your post was right on the mark. I tortured myself thinking that he was so happy with his new victim, and at the time I was doing so much detective work, after a month of our break up I found a dating profile with both of them looking for a threesome and that they only have unprotected sex, that was it for me. Now I’m getting mail for him from bill colectors. He’s not happy, but I know I am! Thanks everyone. Oh one more thing DON’T EVER DO DETECTIVE WORK on them, it puts you back to ground zero.
OOS~
I dunno about that, i have found out stuff that has cracked me up! Only thing that bothers me is who he is going to victimize next. He couldn’t hurt my feelings no matter what he did. If he went straight and stopped hurting other people it would be comfort to me. If he was capable of being happy, he would stop victimizing others. I could go for that. Not that i would give 2 cents for his happiness…he doesn’t deserve any, which might be why he does what he does, he knows it! Anyhow, yes, if you don’t want the answer don’t look for it, i agree. Unfortunately, i have to sort of keep up with the whereabouts of my exspath, he owes me 30K, not that i will ever get it, but if he happens to win the lotto…
R
This question will probably have no answer but how many of these creeps get away with this for the rest of their life, if any? I’m waiting for the day I get to testify against this creep but my story was severe, he framed me into me being the abuser. I got off of course but if I ever had to testify it would probably be overruled. It just makes me sick that he continues to get away with this. What can I do if anything? And will justice ever be served?
SSam – many sociopaths get away with a lot of destructive behavior for a long time. However, many of them also, at some point, do something really stupid, and their fake lives crash down around them.
If you ever get an opportunity to testify, terrific! But don’t wait for it. The best thing, as I said in this article, is to him behind you and live well.
SSam, even when they get caught, and even if they go to prison, they are still playing games and trying to win. They will NEVER EVER take responsibility for their actions, even when held accountable, and that is what is so frustrating for the victims – they can never really get closure. Unfortunately, we have to make our own closure by just moving on.
In my case, I was lucky. I got to hold my spath accountable. He was in the army, and the army doesn’t take adultery lightly. Fortunately, his commanding officer believed me because they suspected he was lying to them about things I didn’t know about. He was eventually found guilty of fraud and adultery and “appropriately punished”, whatever that means. I’m sure wherever he is, he is still playing games and conning people, even if it’s the prison guards. Thankfully, none of it involves me anymore, so I don’t ever have to think about him.
The moral of the story: If you’re going to date a spath, date one who is in the army (really in the army, not pretending to be in the army). The army doesn’t tolerate that crap.
I was sexually assaulted by a spath that’s a reserve in the Army and I tried filing charges but they didn’t do anything to him; they said that since he used a condom they could not convict him with DNA! I also tried exposing him to his new girlfriend who is now his wife but he just kept lying and convinced her that I was crazy. I even showed her emails where he had contacted me for sex after the rape took place but he just convinced her that I made them up. I absolutely want revenge on this creep because I have PTSD now and I have to take medication and go to counseling. It has affected my own relationships with men, friends, and family. I no longer trust anyone and I have isolated myself for years now because of it. I will never forgive him for what he did and I want to let the Army know what a conniving monster he really is. You should have to show good character to be in the Army and if I can expose him and get him in trouble with them them please tell me how. Btw, I heard that he recently got deployed to Afghanistan. Anyway, thanks for letting me rant.
Just want to update on my previous post here… it took 3 months but the (harassment/stalking) case my ex had against me was ultimately dropped, DESPITE the fact that he kept going in regularly to hassle the prosecuting DA with new “evidence” against me… they saw through his b.s. and sided with me. They did not drop the restraining order though, which makes things difficult because I travel internationally often, and they now flag me for inspection at immigration. So he got me anyway with the that and the lawyers’ fees, the humiliation, the horrible day in jail. He has since smeared mine and my business name all over the web, but at least I don’t have to deal with him in real life ever again. Note that I never once lied to or cheated on him, that I supported him for most of the 3 years we were together in every way. I have never been invalidated and treated so disrespectfully by anyone else in my life. It is hard to accept that I spent those 3 years with such a lowlife (he was like Jekyll and Hyde). (To those in NY, beware of a subway musician with the initials T.E.)
The funny thing is (such a coincidence) he dated another woman shortly after me. She happens to be the head of the psychology dept. at Rikers Island (prison) and Kirby State Mental Hospital. She saw through him too and cut contact with him after only 3 weeks of his madness. She looked me up and called me, and sympathized, and verified that he is most definitely a sociopath. So at least I have that validation. Also, it is almost 6 months since I last talked to him and I am finally feeling better, got my life back, started dating newer and better men. Things do get better!
My advice for others is if you are going to expose a sociopath, make sure you have collected very solid evidence to use in any sort of court case, because they have zero qualms about lying and trying to ruin your life. Best to go NO CONTACT as soon as you realize who they really are.
This sounds like my story. My soon to be ex fabricated lies to get a temporary injunction against me. I retained an attorney for the court hearing and everything was dismissed. I was in shock to realize how evil this man can be. At the beginning of the hearing he had the opportunity to drop everything and he insisted to continue. Thanks to my attorney he lost the case. Here I was, the mother of his only child, his wife of 20 years and his goal was to have me arrested, thrown in jail or have me locked away in a mental institution. He was abusing his so called “deputy powers” and it was so obvious. This is when I enforced the no contact and also filed for divorce the very next day. This was the “tip of the iceberg”. It was so much worse than his affairs, his porn addiction and his abuse. This was clearly a threat to me and my son and we lost all respect for him that morning in court. It has been 6 months no contact now. Revenge? I am not sure if I want revenge. The fact that he destroyed his entire family and that his only son hates him now, that should be sufficient as revenge. I know that we will be ok, even in the midst if this ugly divorce. There is no winning with a sociopath. In my mind I won because I erased him out of our life. I feel sorry for the victims to come. I hope they can see his true self early on do they don’t waste 20 years like I did. But he is getting older and supply will not come as easy to him anymore. Good luck to everyone. Remember the no contact is the only way to go
What if you don’t want to wait. My wife kicked me out saying that I was sick and didn’t get any help.
I am now facing possible prostate cancer. I have been by my wife’s side thru EVERY medical and emotional issue, and bot did she have lots.
Our divorce is almost thru. I get a check for 10k, and paperwork to sign. Here, a judge cannot force a person to sign these papers. After two years you have to go before the judge, and he decides if the marriage is broken. The only thing that is broken is my wife’s mind. I can actually prove this to the judge, and the fact that she has been using her “Mental Illness” as a manipulation tool. Every time she has to do something she doesn’t want to, or has done something wrong, she says, “well I’m mentally ill!”
She has announced to at least three people besides myself that she doesn’t tell her doctor the truth, because he would have her on “meds that would make her drool.” He has told her that she needs counseling, but she makes up excuses as to why she can’t see this one or that one. She has also told someone that she knows exactly how to act to get committed to “the unit”, in order to get out of a responsibility she wants out of.
There are MANY instances I can bring to the judge to prove that she is very mentally ill. As a loving husband, who has taken care of her for the past eight years, I would “stand by my wife while she gets the proper treatment”.
I told her I was going to fight it, and let it draw out for the next two years. Honestly, now that we are at the end of this, I have an over whelming urge to win her back. I don’t know why. I guess it is because I dedicated myself to her, just as Christ would have wanted me to. Yes, I am a Christian. Yet I also have this urge to see her suffer as she has made me.
I am very confused, hurt, and angry.
Possibly facing cancer, and not having my wife by my side during it, like I have been for her just breaks my heart all over again.
Has there ever been any cases of a person being mentally abused by a spath that they did something to hurt them? What can I do here. I am overwhelmed with pain, and heartbreak.
If this turns out to be cancer, and it goes really bad, well then what would I have to loose?
This is me reaching out folks. No one understands. The only satisfaction I have gotten is the fact that EVERYONE in town now knows what she is all about. They know she is a sociopath. I am very surprised that she is buying a house in that town. (with MY money no less)
She has stolen everything form me. When I went to get my stuff, on the agreed upon day, she wouldn’t let me in the house. I had to call the cops, and she pitched a fit so band that it took them almost a hour to get her to let me in. She tried to lie to them saying she had an order of protection, which she couldn’t produce.
So what do I do here to get these thoughts out of my head. My counselor called today to see how I was. He isn’t even familiar with a sociopaths M.O. How is he going to help me if he doesn’t know what one is? It’s not like i have lots of options. I am working in the V.A. system.
Any help????? Please?????
A note: When I say, “what can I do”, I mean to get these feelings to go away, not what can I do “TO” my wife. I was doing very well for the past week or so, and now, back to tears and heart ache. The loneliness is unbearable with this as well.
Not one person understands. My daughter has the right idea tho. Stay away she says, and I know that is true. But, I want satisfaction. Any satisfaction……… hence why I am going to draw this out, so that her and her BF cant get married. I don’t have proof she has one, but, a woman that would drive her kids 250 miles, to have sex with a stranger she met on the internet, I would think that she had a man in my bed while it was still warm. An no, I didn’t know about that until after we were married. My 8 year old step son told me this.
Just to make a point. I am starting to feel as disordered as she is, because she is the first thing I think of when I wake, and the last thing I think of when I try to go to sleep.
Phillip, I understand how you are feeling. I have been sociopath free with absolutely no contact since June. I held on for WAY to long, Not to get him back, but just to get answers, justice, and closure. Here’s the thing that I learned on here and have experienced: You won’t get that from them, and you have to find it for yourself. After hearing that I was like “well, how the hell do I do that?” Unfortunately I had to hit an unbelievable rock bottom where he beat me up after I exposed him and caught him in a lie(s). He had no other option, no excuse, so he took it out on me physically. i EVEN had the opportunity to run into his new girlfriend and showed her texts and emails that he had sent weeks before wanting sex(they’ve been together for a year) and I felt SO satisfied…but only for a moment. They will do ANYTHING to take that away from you and get the last laugh. After I pulled her over and chatted with her….he threatened to call the police for harassment against his “family” and LIED his way out of it saying I was stalking her and just trying to ruin his life….not true. So all in all its not worth the time and energy and you have to just let it go. Don’t learn this lesson the hard way like I did.
In the new year I am working on forgiveness. I will never forgive and exempt him for what he did, but I am forgiving him from my mind. I will not allow him to take up space in my brain any longer. Think of it this way: If you go 100% no contact and cut her out completely is risky because you worry about feeling lonely and depressed right? Do you ever think “well this is better than nothing? I’d rather have someone then be alone” I used to think that….but being 100% no contact by HIS choice as I exhausted all my avenues which eventually drove HIM to think I’m crazy….Things have been getting BETTER not worse. When you are 100% NC things CAN’T get worse…only better.
Do you ever watch the show intervention? The alcoholics and drug addict never feel WORSE after their 3 month rehab stint….recovering from a sociopath is the EXACT same thing. Throw yourself into a 3 month rehab. If you feel worse then I give you permission to go back….I say that because I KNOW you won’t.
Do I still have lonely times? You bet. He had a child that I raised since he was 2 years old that I loved and lost. I still dream about this little boy ALL the time. I still wish my ex would fall in a hole and die….but that constant achey pit in your stomach you have….slowly starts to dissipate and you will see life in a whole new life.
Get where I am….I’m 7 months ahead of you and I can see clearly now. You can get here. Try the no contact for a 3 month period. See what happens. Take care.