You’ve finally figured out what is wrong with an individual who has taken advantage of you, abused you, perhaps even assaulted you. Reading Lovefraud, you realize that he or she is a sociopath.
Now, you’re an emotional wreck. You’ve been profoundly betrayed. You’re justifiably angry. Plus, the sociopath has caused you real problems. Perhaps all your money is gone. Or you’re in a vicious child custody battle. You’ve lost your job, your savings or your home. You suffer from anxiety, depression or PTSD. You feel so far down that you don’t even know which direction is up.
You are outraged by the sociopath’s actions. You are further outraged that after this individual bulldozed through your life, he or she seems to be facing absolutely no consequences. The predator has simply moved on to a new target, leaving you in a heap of ashes.
You want your life back. You want to sociopath to be accountable for the destruction he or she caused. And you want to make sure he or she never does this to another human being. But the predator turns on the charm, or plays the victim, or convinces everyone that you are mentally unstable. No one seems to be able to help you. In fact, no one even understands what you’re talking about.
It’s infuriating. If you were honest with yourself, you’d have to admit that you really want revenge.
“Living well is the best revenge”
This proverb was recorded by the English poet George Herbert in 1651. Perhaps whoever originally said it hundreds of years ago knew about sociopaths.
Right now, with your life in tatters, you probably feel like “living well” is an impossible dream. But you can start working towards that goal immediately—and stick it to the sociopath in the process.
The sociopath’s prime objective in life is power and control. If you deny the sociopath power and control over you, you take away what he or she wants most.
The power and control that the sociopath exerts is primarily over your thoughts and emotions. You can break that power and control, and it doesn’t even have to cost you any money. The first step, of course, is No Contact. We talk about No Contact all the time on Lovefraud, but if you need a refresher course on how to do it, read:
It’s true that No Contact is difficult in many cases, such as if you share children with the sociopath, or you work together. In these situations, you need to get to Emotional No Contact. That means you detach emotionally; you do not allow him or her to upset you. There are caveats to this as well, because sociopaths are capable of atrocious behavior that really pushes your buttons. In these cases, you certainly deserve to be upset—just don’t let the sociopath see it.
Remember, they want power and control. If they see that they have triggered you, they know that they still have power and control over you.
The key, therefore, is to focus on healing yourself and improving your life. It will take time. It will require processing the pain, disappointment and anger of the betrayal. But if you decide to recover, you can do it. For more on this, read:
5 steps to recovery from the sociopath (they’re not fast or easy, but the healing is real)
This does not mean that the sociopath should get away with what happened. But if you want to hold the sociopath accountable, you need to do it from a position of strength. Working on your own recovery is the best way to develop the strength.
“Revenge is a dish best served cold”
The source of this statement is also unclear—it was first translated from French to English in 1846, but apparently was already a proverb by then.
It’s not a good idea to consciously go out to seek revenge. (Another proverb attributed to the Chinese philosopher Confucius states, “Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves.”) But as time goes by and you build your inner strength, you may suddenly find yourself faced with an opportunity to hold the sociopath accountable.
The sociopath, of course, will continue a life of destruction. Eventually, he or she may target the wrong person or seriously break the law, and someone may contact you to find out what you know about this disordered individual. Then, in a calm and collected manner, you can describe your experience, provide evidence that proves a pattern of behavior, and contribute to some type of justice—whether it’s getting the individual prosecuted, exposed in the media, or just ruining his or her efforts with yet another potential victim.
Revenge may be possible, but probably not right away. So focus on your first priority, which is healing your own life. Then, be patient. By releasing the pain and upset of your betrayal, you’ll be ready when an opportunity arrives for justice.
To you, justice will be sweet revenge.
Phillip, if your health is on the decline, it’s because of all of your years spent with a sociopath. If you go back to her, she’ll finish you off. THAT’s what you have to lose.
If you think you may have cancer, the best thing you can do for yourself is to start boosting your immune system. Take vitamin and mineral supplements and lots of iodine. Most Americans are iodine deficient, and this is directly linked to cancer. I’m assuming you are getting tested for cancer and are awaiting results? Meantime, if you can find a good holistic doctor, they can test you for any vitamin/mineral deficiencies or any kind of metals like mercury or lead you have in your system. All of these things contribute to cancer. Eating a lot of refined sugar, processed foods, and soft drinks can create the environment in your body for cancer to grow. Start focusing on yourself and loving yourself so you can be healthy. If you go back to the sociopath because you think you have nothing to lose, then you have basically given up. Isn’t your life worth fighting for? My .02
And BTW, I have so much compassion for you. I have lived in a fantasy world for years imagining certain men loved me when they didn’t. Fantasies do offer some sort of comfort, but it’s not like the real thing.
Phillip, my heart goes out to you!
When I finally broke up with my ex-spath, our daughter was only 3-months old, but I knew he had to go because he was exhibiting behaviour that was off the Richter scale of badness, and I could no longer deal with him and still be the best mom I could be for our daughter and my son (who’s 10 from a previous marriage). Going solo was extremely scary and hard because he devastated me financially (he defrauded me out of my life savings), emotionally (he pretended to love me until I had no more money to give him and then abandoned me for fresh prey), and physically (exposing me to possible STDs – thank God the tests were negative- and trying to get me pregnant without my consent).
After we broke up, for a few months there were weekly visits for him to see our daughter but when I saw him morphing into a new person, I realized he was creating a new image to impress his new target and it reconfirmed that our relationship was just a scam and I never wanted to see him ever again. I had to cut this man out of my life forever and I told him that he never loved me or our daughter and I wanted him to disappear! When he threatened to hurt my father, that was the proverbial straw that broke the camel’s back and I went berserk at the mall in front of everyone around us. That’s when security stepped in, and they called the police, who called the Ministry of Children and Family Services and I finally got the help I needed. It was an instinctual response to his psychopathy that finally broke the “silence of suffering” and started the course to my healing (the Ministry sent me a very experienced and “with it” counsellor who understood disordered personalities and sociopathy) and his disappearance from my life. I also hired a good lawyer to deal with the custody issue (because he kept threatening to take our daughter 50% of the time). Eventually, he had to leave the country (too many creditors chasing him?) and now life is peaceful again.
I continue to work hard at healing. My immediate family was angry with me for ever getting involved with the ex-spath but they’ve come around now. It took an angel army of people to help me through this ordeal: my counsellor, lawyer, doctors, dearest friends, Pastor and church family, boss and mom. Don’t try to do it alone because when we are broken heart, body, mind and soul, we need all the help we can get!
Hang in there, Phillip! Take good care of yourself, because you deserve to be happy, healthy and hopeful! Remember – compassion, love and kindness starts with yourself!
Many blessings to all,
Heart song
I found out the best revenge was just allowing him to expose himself! I have exposed to others the traits of a sociopath and just let him do the rest! Educate others on sociopathic behavior that he or she has contact with and then just let it run its course. Indirectly to those who admire the sociopath or they might just shut you off.
Dear No_voice,
As you will see by my previous posts, I was in pieces the last time I commented on here. I have not had contact with my ex in MONTHS. Since Jan to be exact. The last thing she wanted was my diagnosis of my cancer before she would sign the papers for the divorce.
The divorce was final in February. Got my check, woo woo.
I met a woman, and we have been together for about 5 months. She knows everything, and can’t believe I allowed this woman to treat me like this.
The best thing I have found is NO CONTACT. I even cut ties with my step-daughter, as she represented a threat to my mental health, and she was reporting to her mother as well.
I took my money and bought a house in the same town as my kids and grand kids.
I also had prostate surgery on June 25th, my new birthday. They got everything.
Life has gotten better quite quickly. I take everything day by day. I hope for the best and prepare for the worst. So far so good. I hope that life does nothing but get better for every one of you.
I repeat, NO CONTACT! Don’t even bother entertaining revenge. Those people aren’t even worth the time. They will eventually reap what they sow. Unfortunately you will probably not be around when it all comes crashing down on him. Just know, God loves you, and will let him fall.
I remember praying and praying every day, every time I thought of him, which was almost every moment, praying to God to take away my unending pain. I didn’t think I would ever stop crying.
I am glad to read your post. It’s amazing how the WORST time of my life turned out to be a HUGE blessing. Being discarded by a sociopath who found a new target was indeed God answering my prayers. My life has SO many possibilities now, NONE of which could have ever happened when married to such an emotionally vacant, incredibly cruel, extremely contemptuous of me, constantly unfaithful and disloyal husband.
Congrats to you Phillip. I like that we get to have regular lives. I revel in my regular life, I am so content.
God did love me afterall, even when I thought no one did, and that God wasn’t listening. I am BLESSED!
It’s great to hear your life is better, your surgery went great and you are moving on.
The best revenge one can get on the sociopath is to GIVE THEM NOTHING.
NO RESPONSE. NO REACTION. NO ATTENTION.
Do not give the sociopath any more of your time. I have noticed that sociopaths LOVE to waste our time. They do things to inconvenience us, just to frustrate us, get us upset, and worked up. I remember before I knew what I was really dealing with, all the crazy things the sociopath would tell me, and ask me to do. They seemed to sound valid at the time. But it was all just to set me up to look dumb, or waste my time. So many times she would say “today is your day to pick up kids, make sure you get them from school on time”. When I had never been late to get them, I knew the days i was to pick them up, i didnt need a reminder. But she reminded me, because sths wanted to confirm I would be getting them, only to make sure she got them first. She would check them out early from school, and I would wait in carpool line, only to find out they weren’t there. When I would ask her, where are the kids, she would say “oh I forgot they had a dentist appt”. Strange she never forgot to remind me it was my day to pick up, but forgot the dentist appt. which actually wasn’t even real. I would ask the kids, how was the dentist. They would look at me and say “huh?”
I caught on to these games quickly. It was difficult because I wanted to get the kids, but I was tired of my time being wasted. It got to the point where I had to either stop picking them up from school, and just get them later from her home. But even then, she would take them somewhere else. It was like a game to her. Finally when my daughter got old enough. I got her a cell phone, and began communicating with my daughter. Since my then 13 year old was much more mature than my 48 year old ex wife. The ex hated that. She was furious that I was able to talk with my daughter, and she couldn’t waste my time anymore. She even threatened to take me to court because I was refusing to co – parent with her. Fortunately I had documented all the time I attempted to pick up and she hid the children, and all the lies of doctor appts. So I told her to bring it on. She backed off but not for long…
I have never tried to get revenge on her, even though she is a nasty person and done so many horrific things to me. I have just tried to let go, move on and live the best life I can. She has already stolen so many years from my life. I refuse to be angry and bitter and let her steal anymore. She is miserable and it is obvious. She is angry that she can’t contril me with the kids anymore. She is angry that she is aging and her tricks are no longer working on people. I pay her no attention. I have not had any contact with her in over a year. My kids are now 16 and 14. And our relationship is great. They choose to stay with me the majority of the time because of the chaos, lack of food and stability at their mothers. They see thru the craziness. And a good friend told me a long time ago that eventually the kids would see the “true” person their mom was. It is sad for them, but they are smart and well adjusted children. They seem to get that life isn’t perfect, and everyone has that one dysfunctional person in their family. Theirs just happens to be their mom…. 🙁
Most days now I am good, at peace, but then suddenly I find thoughts of revenge rolling around in my head. I know life isn’t fair, I know that there will be good times and hard times. I just hate to see these deliberate evil people walking around like they are so nice and friendly, when they are really sick, calculating scum.
Oh just another day for the ruthless. The last thing these people should be doing is having relationships and creating children.
Everything about an experience with a psychopath/sociopath/narcissist is so hard; the relationship itself…all the torture; the moment you realize what you’re dealing with; the complete hole in your life when they’re gone, even if it’s what you wanted; the why….discovering a “name” for it. At first it feels kinda good that you can answer the “why” and that you are not alone. This process is very healing because finally something makes sense! All of the stages (love bombing, gas lighting etc) make sense!; No contact. All extremely hard. The last stage is the hardest of all. Letting KARMA get revenge on your behalf. You want them to suffer like you have! You want to warn the next SUPPLY/unsuspecting soul. The hardest realization is that you CAN DO NOTHING! It won’t matter. It’s a cruel reality. They will go about their lives without a care because they have no feelings or conscience. AND, they never will. It’s not fixable ….yet. All of the evidence suggests that most of these people are born this way ….an abnormality in the brain. I try to remember this whenever memories creep in. They didn’t choose to be evil. They can’t help it. It’s quite the paradox. Heal yourself and let go. We are more enlightened and powerful than they will ever be because we can do just that. They will never experience the life-sucking torture they inflicted upon us, but they will also never experience joy. Know that and let that be your secret revenge.
P.S. It sounds kind of uncaring to not warn the next person if you can help it. I struggled so hard with this one. But, I decided not to. Why? Just thinking about it, sleuthing on social media etc., kept me connected. I was obsessed. Had to let go. He was dangerous but I didn’t feel she was physically in danger. It’s a fine line. Let goooo. Two years later I still have to remind myself. Don’t feel bad if you have a hard time letting go. Keep trying.
When they say Karma is the best way to seek revenge, it is true! My first wife was the definition of the word sociopath. She lured me in with the best sex I could ever imagine. I basically took care of both her and her son with the best I could afford. I paid all the bills and the little money she made was hers to do with however she wanted. The boys dad was in prison so there was no help from him. As time went on she became bored and started drinking and doing meth. She lost her job so I had to work all the overtime I could get to continue giving them the nice things in life. She was still bored so she started cheating with a friend of mine because he was home all day. I found out so that was the end of the marriage but she turned it around with her lies and slander to our friends making it all my fault. The meth and alcohol made her one of the meanest persons I had ever met. I wanted revenge but did not want to go to jail so I turned it over to my higher power. Long story short it took 20 years but she died Feb 5, 2015 of stage 4 pancreatic cancer from the excessive drinking and drug abuse. I really got even when I sent flowers to her hospital room with a card that said “You are in my Prayers”. Her son told me she could not believe I would send flowers after the way she treated me. I wanted her to leave this planet knowing how people should treat other people. Vengance is mine sayeth the Lord!
I want justice. I want justice for my son who has suffered abuse from his dad for his entire life. I want justice for me because I have lost everything including my home, jobs, savings, and relationships because of the spath. And all the while, the spath is living a great life with no worries whatsoever, except to think of new ways to torment my son and I.
We have less than 2 years left on this ridiculous parenting plan, then my son and I are free of spath. Free of his evil. My son is now and likely will be in counseling for quite a while to try to undo the damage that has been done to him. I want the spath to pay for what he’s done. I want him to suffer and be abused the way he has abused us.
I know the spath will never get what he deserves; what is the correct punishment for a child abuser? For a manipulator and a liar? For someone who fools the courts and fools our therapists? What would a fitting punishment be? I’ve pictured many scenarios over the years.
I know it is unhealthy to dwell. Of course I know. But I see the suffering of my son and it is impossible not to want to hurt the person who is hurting him. The best I can hope for is that when we are finally free of the spath, my son’s scars will heal, and we can both move on and have joy and peace in our lives.
Justice feels great I hear ya. I had the BEST justice! Saw her in a supermarket and showed her texts from the night before…. She was so pissed at him… Best revenge right? No… They’re still together. After the smoke clears here’s the best revenge….. Who cares!!! Not my journey! You’ll feel better and empowered soon I absolutely promise!
Listen… I joined this site a few years back with a horrific story just like yours… I’m telling you out of sight out of mind 100% works!!! It really does! It’s friggen hard but I’m free of my ex and living a great life!! Hey… I’m still single, and learning… It’s not a revenge fairytale that I imagined… But I don’t even friggen care!! I moved to Italy!!! I made a change! I know not everyone can do that.. But those that can… Shake s$&t up!!