You’ve finally figured out what is wrong with an individual who has taken advantage of you, abused you, perhaps even assaulted you. Reading Lovefraud, you realize that he or she is a sociopath.
Now, you’re an emotional wreck. You’ve been profoundly betrayed. You’re justifiably angry. Plus, the sociopath has caused you real problems. Perhaps all your money is gone. Or you’re in a vicious child custody battle. You’ve lost your job, your savings or your home. You suffer from anxiety, depression or PTSD. You feel so far down that you don’t even know which direction is up.
You are outraged by the sociopath’s actions. You are further outraged that after this individual bulldozed through your life, he or she seems to be facing absolutely no consequences. The predator has simply moved on to a new target, leaving you in a heap of ashes.
You want your life back. You want to sociopath to be accountable for the destruction he or she caused. And you want to make sure he or she never does this to another human being. But the predator turns on the charm, or plays the victim, or convinces everyone that you are mentally unstable. No one seems to be able to help you. In fact, no one even understands what you’re talking about.
It’s infuriating. If you were honest with yourself, you’d have to admit that you really want revenge.
“Living well is the best revenge”
This proverb was recorded by the English poet George Herbert in 1651. Perhaps whoever originally said it hundreds of years ago knew about sociopaths.
Right now, with your life in tatters, you probably feel like “living well” is an impossible dream. But you can start working towards that goal immediately—and stick it to the sociopath in the process.
The sociopath’s prime objective in life is power and control. If you deny the sociopath power and control over you, you take away what he or she wants most.
The power and control that the sociopath exerts is primarily over your thoughts and emotions. You can break that power and control, and it doesn’t even have to cost you any money. The first step, of course, is No Contact. We talk about No Contact all the time on Lovefraud, but if you need a refresher course on how to do it, read:
It’s true that No Contact is difficult in many cases, such as if you share children with the sociopath, or you work together. In these situations, you need to get to Emotional No Contact. That means you detach emotionally; you do not allow him or her to upset you. There are caveats to this as well, because sociopaths are capable of atrocious behavior that really pushes your buttons. In these cases, you certainly deserve to be upset—just don’t let the sociopath see it.
Remember, they want power and control. If they see that they have triggered you, they know that they still have power and control over you.
The key, therefore, is to focus on healing yourself and improving your life. It will take time. It will require processing the pain, disappointment and anger of the betrayal. But if you decide to recover, you can do it. For more on this, read:
5 steps to recovery from the sociopath (they’re not fast or easy, but the healing is real)
This does not mean that the sociopath should get away with what happened. But if you want to hold the sociopath accountable, you need to do it from a position of strength. Working on your own recovery is the best way to develop the strength.
“Revenge is a dish best served cold”
The source of this statement is also unclear—it was first translated from French to English in 1846, but apparently was already a proverb by then.
It’s not a good idea to consciously go out to seek revenge. (Another proverb attributed to the Chinese philosopher Confucius states, “Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves.”) But as time goes by and you build your inner strength, you may suddenly find yourself faced with an opportunity to hold the sociopath accountable.
The sociopath, of course, will continue a life of destruction. Eventually, he or she may target the wrong person or seriously break the law, and someone may contact you to find out what you know about this disordered individual. Then, in a calm and collected manner, you can describe your experience, provide evidence that proves a pattern of behavior, and contribute to some type of justice—whether it’s getting the individual prosecuted, exposed in the media, or just ruining his or her efforts with yet another potential victim.
Revenge may be possible, but probably not right away. So focus on your first priority, which is healing your own life. Then, be patient. By releasing the pain and upset of your betrayal, you’ll be ready when an opportunity arrives for justice.
To you, justice will be sweet revenge.
That’s great to hear. I am counting the days until I can go No Contact. Sending the spaths emails directly to ‘Trash’, deleting his unread texts and blocking his calls will be so liberating. I can’t wait for that day to come. I hope my son can find some way to manage their relationship if he chooses to allow his father to remain in his life; I’m hoping he goes No Contact as well, but that will be his decision.
I’m glad you have found peace.
This is the first time I’m reaching out.
I’m scared and confused.
I discovered only a few weeks ago that not only the current brain f***ery I’m experiencing, but also what I have experienced at the hands of every other man I have had in my life, including my father, can be attributed to them being sociopaths. I never understood why my relationship issues were so different from my friends. I couldn’t explain the obsession, turmoil, self doubt and loathing, the constant ever pressing confusion. I get it now. It’s like a light bulb went on. It finally makes sense. I was diagnosed with PTSD after one of them wrecked havoc in my life 10 years ago, but I still could not connect the dots. Until I repeated the pattern so many times that I actually learned from it. FINALLY!!
Now I’m mad. Mad at them. Mad at myself for not seeing them clearly and allowing them to victimize me. Mad at how unfair it all is. Reading the stories of so many brave empathetic people whose lives were destroyed by these sick twisted nonentities. It makes me sick. I want revenge on all of them. For destroying so many lives. It is so unfair that they get to hurt so many and walk free and keep hurting over and over.
Sorry for the rant. I have been abused by these monsters in many ways all of my life and I’m finally speaking out.
Breathing, hugs to you 🙂 We have all been where you are now…glad you had the courage to come here and share with us the way you are feeling right now. All your emotions are normal that you are feeling right now sadly. Ranting is GOOD to do so keep coming here to vent/rant/ask questions etc…we all have done each of these things too 🙂
Once you are educated on the fact that there are sociopaths in this world bleeding in to society like you are doing…it is not only a “light bulb moment” but also now you have one of the keys to how this world works & will be able to spot one of these evil people every quickly in the future.
Being in the emotional angry state that you are now is actually a good thing and is normal when you have a true awakening…your mind has awaken from all the evil that you have endured your whole life.
You should be angry!! People have hurt you.
All of your emotions will be over whelming at time but it’s a necessary process to feel each of them for you to move forward to truly heal. You are going through all the grieving stages just like if someone in your family died…google “grieving stages” to learn more about all of the emotions you are feeling.
All of your other emotions feeling “scared & confused” are sadly normal too when you finally free. Everyone on this site has felt all of these feelings too. With time they will subside. Right now you are in the “hyper vigilant” response mode…the fight or flight mode.
For your PTSD look into adrenal fatigue as the root physical issues that is causing your strong emotions too. The adrenal glands regulate our blood pressure, blood sugar, cortisol and adrenaline levels (flight or flight mode) and over 50 hormones. With continual stress such as a toxic relationship the adrenal glands work over time and eventually burn out wreaking havoc on the body and mind. With the right vitamins/mineral, good clean diet, hormonal balancing, plenty of rest & relaxation your adrenal glands will heal.
See sites like:
adrenal fatigue. org
Drlam.com
Mialundin. com (read her book)
Symptoms of adrenal fatigue is a long list see those sites above list but here are a few….sleep issues, panic attacks, anxiety, depression, mood swings, memory loss, brain fog…etc etc etc
Google & do a search on LF for the following:
sociopath No contact rule
low contact rule (this is for family or someone who has children with a sociopath)
gas lighting abuse
Books to read:
Lovefruad by Donna Anderson and her work book that goes with that book (this sites creator = if you go to the very top of this site and look under the “book store” red tab you can find her book along with all the other books she recommends for understanding & healing.
See the site Psychopathyawareness.wordpress. com for more understanding of the hell that you have been enduring.
Cheers to “Finally specking out”!!!!!! 🙂 We hear you!!! We are here for you!!! 🙂
Take care.
Thank you Jan7
I feel like I cannot get enough of all of the articles, books and other resources since I realized what I have been dealing with. It’s cathartic.
It’s like I’ve been spinning my wheels, thinking there is something inherently wrong with me that my relationships were never working out. And I spent a lot of time lost and trying to fix myself. After all, if they kept saying it was all my fault, it must have been true. I just want to reach through the fog of the past and give myself a big warm hug.
One of the sociopaths actually used to tell me that I cannot keep a man. Another would demean me alone and in public, always getting away with it and making me look crazy. He would then say that I do not deserve anything good. Sometimes the devaluing comments were direct, like calling me crazy. At other times they were more covert, like commenting on other women and saying that she would be worth all the trouble (implying I would not be). All of their cruel words, or pity ploys, or angry outbursts, or silent treatments…you name it, were brought on by my questioning our relationship and their behavior.
The funny thing is I am a beautiful woman. I’m very well educated. I’m kind to everyone. I make friends easily. But so many years of the abuse have taken a toll. I gained weight (and received many subliminal fat insults from them). I have been very unkind to myself, perpetuating their unkindness. I have never known my worth and allowed it. All of it. They blamed me for everything and I ended up blaming myself.
Slowly I lost control to each one, even with my soul screaming each time to run. I thought I was overreacting. I went against my gut because I did not trust myself. Each and every time. I was only drawn to sociopaths. Normal men who came into my life did not bring this level of drama and excitement that I got hooked on. I equated it with love. The rollercoaster. The mixture of fear and longing. Strangely enough, these disgusting things became the only people I trusted fully as they got to know me enough to know exactly what to say. How bizarre. And each time one was in my life I lost a lot of people around me because I acted strange. Almost hypnotized by them. I did strange things. Nothing horrible, just things I would not have done if I was not under their influence. Reckless and desperate things.
And now, for the first time in my life, I see the blatant toxicity. The manipulation. And it is not exciting in any way. It is repulsive. It is scary.
I shudder at the power I handed to all of them. My vulnerabilities. My conviction that each and every human being is worthwhile and just needs love and respect to become better. I always forgave. I sought reasons for the cruelty when the reasons were simple and staring me right in the face. They did not and do not give a sh*t about me or anyone else they hurt.
This one actually warned me repeatedly about what he is and what he is capable of. I thought he must have been joking. He has a weird way of smiling and saying the most disgusting things with so much charm that you think he must be joking. Only he was not. I still have so much to learn and so much in my past to weed through and untangle. My new perspective does wonders for seeing them all clearly, but it will take a lot of time and effort to heal.
My thoughts are with all of you and I wish you an enlightening journey.
Breathing, everything you wrote is how every victim feels when they finally learn it’s not them that’s crazy but the sociopath literally is crazy. A huge weight is lifted, clarity about everything in your life is realized. Even back when you were a child with other kids in school who were not nice makes perfect sense with knowing about narcissist personality disorder and sociopathic personality disorder.
The original term for sociopath/psychopath was “morally insane” which fits them to a tee.
1 in 25 people mainly men are sociopaths or psychopaths and 1 in 5 people have narcissistic personality disorder.
These evil people are everywhere.
Experts believe that we meet one in passing everyday without even knowing it & that we have one in our circle of friends or family. They are the land sharks who have learned to blend into society. And they are masters at “sociopaths smear campaigns” (google) to make others think that they are the victims while the true vicim is blamed for everything.
It’s crazy to think that 1 in 25 people are sociopaths!!
6 out of 25 people are either narcissist or sociopaths plus throw in all the other disorders and you can see why you have to not only follow your gut but also be very picky on who you let into your circle of friends. This is why you keep running into them. They are masters at sucking people in and if you have been sucked in before you are more likely to be sucked in again and again without education.
Prior to be educated we are just thinking “what is wrong with that person why are they so rude” now we know! We now know to just steer clear of them.
Sociopaths target good people…they love hard working, kind hearted, smart people who have emotions something that they do not have. They move very methodically to control their target victims. They even use trance & hypnosis to control their victims this is the very reason you felt the way you did. They also use brain washing & mind control, gas lighting abuse, reward & punishment techniques, manipulation, pathological lying etc to control the minds of their victims. SO crazy & scary!!!
When I escaped my ex h I found a counselor who told me the truth about my ex the first session. She gave me the book Women who love psychopaths by Sandra Brown which will explains so much about your past relationships including their use of trance & hypnosis. I asked her the first session was he brain washing me because that is how I felt…the answer from her was a quick..YES!!!! that is exactly what he was doing to you.
When I got home with tears streaming down my face I researched “undoing brain washing” which lead me to Steven Hassan’s Freedom of Mind (Donna of Lovefraud has a book review on this book just do a search at the top left side to read it). Steven Hassan is a cult & domestic abuse expert he himself was educed into a cult when he was in college his family & ex cult members helped him finally escape. He returned to college where he obtained his masters in counseling specializing in domestic abuse & cults. His site is Freedom of mind Resource Center. He has been on Larry King Live, 60 mins, CNN, FOX news, The John Walsh Show (google this last one with his name & the words “you tube” it’s worth your time to watch)
Sociopaths are the cult leaders of the world…whether they have one follower or a million they do the same mind games to each and everyone to suck you in. YOU were a cult follower and they were your cult leader.
I am glad that you see the “blatant toxicity”…that is a good place to be.
My ex h would tell me that “he was not a good person”…I though because he manipulated me in the beginning of our friendship that it was because of his childhood (which were all lies) like you I though people could change but now I know what you see is what you get. I saw who my ex was the very second I met him…my gut reaction was that strong. But because of moving to a new town & had not friends and he was a friend of a friend I thought no harm in hanging out with him and his large group of friends (now I know cult like followers).
Like you listening to your gut reaction is KEY in keeping safe in this very dangerous world. Check out the book Gift of Fear by Gavin Debecker it’s excellent at reminding us that you need to listen to your gut all the time…google “gavin debunker oprah you tube” to watch their interview about his book.
In the book Freedom of Mind Steven Hassan states that most victims of domestic abuse (which by the way you have been in if you were with a sociopath) or cult if they had some type of life change…ie divorce, relationship breakup, move to a new town, going to a new school or off college, new job, death in the family etc. Why this time? because your guard is down thinking about the changes in your life and this is when a sociopath sees a victims from a mile away. Think about what your life change was for each of your relationships.
When a sociopath calls their victims “crazy” this is called Gas Lighting Abuse (google) it’s a way for them to psychologically break their victims down to control them more.
When someone keeps breaking you down it’s easy to loose your “worth”…it has happened to every victim here at LF….it’s shocking for me to look back at how I had changed over my marriage…I like you am smart when to a top university, received good grades, successful building my career, was liked by people, easily met friends (normal people) but he was slowly able to break my spirit down to a point I became bed ridden…
it was not just me that he did this too but his previous gf & one of his mistress (he had many) and a close guy friend of his…he was that good at making him look like the guy that you had to aspire to be…mean while he was not a kind person, did not do well in college. did not work hard…it’s crazy that he has a flock of people following like he is the king. Like you I gave my power away…not at first but slowly over time mainly because I did not want to argue…when instead of arguing I should have just left him Like I wanted to do less then a year of marrying him. I did not want to date him, move in with him or marry him…he was so masterful at pushing my boundaries and everyones boundaries that I gave up & gave in to his crazy demands from me.
Breathing, you are doing great at educating yourself…that is KEY to not only unraveling your past relationships for better understanding but also to keep you safe in your future.
Watch Donna’s videos at the top of this site under the “red tab” and like your are doing just keep reading everything on the subject especially whey you are angry, sad, mad etc as it will open your mind up from all the mind control you have been under by the evil sociopaths in your life.
You will get to a peaceful place in your life, it just takes time you be kind to yourself during your healing process.
Hugs to you 🙂
Jan7,
Thank you for the excellent post.
I am in recovery, some days better than others.
I have been working so hard.
I read in your post that you were left bed ridden.
Tears started streaming down my eyes.
I only allowed my self to start crying yesterday.
I have been on medical leave for 4 weeks.
My leave has been extended for 3 more weeks.
I am under the care of a multitude of doctors.
I had a breakdown at work after something happened that should have been easily resolved, but for me I just lost it.
Luckily it did not happen at my office.
I wound up in the ER at 3am with chest pain.
I was having a panic attack.
I have not been back to work since.
Luckily I have short term disability but only a few more weeks and legally they do not have to hold my job anymore.
I have been working so hard.
I went no contact like a boss, I started meditating, I see a therapist I read about self care and my inner child. I really have come a long way but here I sit, finally allowing myself to cry.
I am not crying over him, believe me I do NOT miss HIM.
I am not crying because I feel sorry for myself.
I am crying because I am grieving a loss.
I never allowed myself to do that before.
The evil that he created was all based on my hopes and dreams of having a mutually loving relationship.
The way he violated it was so demeaning and cruel. All of it tailor made to me.
I read an article on letmereach.com that described why they do what they do.
I needed to know.
It’s sick and twisted on so many levels.
Yesterday was the first time I cried.
I found myself thinking about him, before the mask slipped.
Then I got mad when I started thinking of all of the horrible things he did.
He just goes on, to the next victim not a care in the world.
I had thought about revenge in the past but then realized I have to spend that energy on me.
I started watching Teal Swan on youtube yesterday and that was very helpful.
Ever since I got tangled back with the spath in 2013, I always wanted to end the relationship.
I always got sucked back in and was punished each time more cruel than the last.
Thank you Jan7, your posts are always so wonderfully written.
I enjoy reading them and you have been so helpful to me and all of the new and raw victims of these horrible people.
Stringinthecity
Stronginthecity, I am so sorry that you are going thru so much right now. It’s hard to clear your mind from all of their mental games they played. You will see the light soon.
Look at the symptoms list on DrLam. com and Adrenalfatigue. org
Panic attacks & anxiety are an issue with your adrenal gland and can be healed quickly too with the right diet, vitamins/minerals, hormones and plenty of rest & relaxation.
Google “Dr Amen depression you tube” to watch his video
Find a good endocrinologist to test you for cortisol levels, vitamin/mineral deficiency and hormonal imbalance.
Focus on your health right now…this is the missing link to healing full from a abusive relationship.
Hugs to you 🙂
Jan7 – I just finished reading Women who Love Psychopaths by Sandra Brown this morning. I found the book so helpful to understand why I keep getting into relationships with these guys. After I really thought about it, I have been letting them into my life since I was about 14 years old. I’ve been looking to guys to create excitement and adventure in my life as a way to escape the routine, structured, responsible, do-the-right-thing lifestyle I have when I’m not with someone.
I grew up in a very controlled household where my mother second-guessed absolutely 100% of everything decision, thought or act that I did. I finally learned just to go along with everything she said (or try to anticipate what she was going to say), but then started to get involved with “bad” boys without my parents’ knowledge. I feel a little sick now when I think about the guys I hung around with. A couple are in jail. And I’m the straight A, college educated, professional, “nice” girl.
The book also made me sad because it brought back memories of mini-discards, criticism, confusion, isolation, neglect of my kids’ needs, boundary violations from my last relationship. He was so critical of my frugalness that I finally started spending freely on hotels, meals, liquor, trips. Now I’m in debt, and he’s gone.
I need to decide to start making better choices of who I let into the intimate spaces in my life.
Claimmypower, glad you read the book. It’s quite eye opening when you see all the mental games they do to their victims spelled out on pages of a book & it’s also very scary the world we live and the evilness people will go to, to control others…wish high schools would have every girl read that book along with Donna Andersons book & work book as it would help to save so many from being abused by a sociopath.
Had we known all that is in that book at a younger age we would have not fallen vicim to one. 1 in 3 women in the US will end up in a abusive relationship so we are not alone. In the USA alone there are 150 million women/girls so approx 50 million will be abused in their life time. Some parts of the world the stats are 1 in every 2 women.
I think that it is normal to want excitement in our lives & since we are not taught that these people can blend into society it’s easy to fall vicim to one especially during teenage years when we are trying to find ourselves & fit into high school plus dealing with the hormonal changes.
Did your ex’s show their true side the first day you meet them or did they pretend to be a “good person” to win you over then drop their mask once they had you hooked??
The first impression of my ex h upon meeting him was he was a “tornado” and the second I thought he was “crazy” not crazy in a fun way but CRAZZZZY but because I had just moved to a new town, he had a large group of friends and he was a friend of a friend I felt like I need to give him a chance. Well what I have learned is NEVER give someone a second chance. My radar with him was dead accurate that first second I met him. But I ignored my gut.
You have to keep in mind that sociopaths intentionally create excitement and push boundaries all of this caused our anxiety levels (cortisol & adrenaline hormones) to go up which allows them to gain more mental control over their target victim. So for you going after the “bad boy” please don’t take all the blame..you were a target as is everyone on this planet by a sociopath. You have empathy and this is what they lack.
A sociopath will keep pushing you to get you to go out with them or to give into their demands. They know exactly how to manipulate people. They use love bombing to suck you in to their sick con game.
Did any of your ex’s push you go out with them??
Or push other boundaries when you first met when you said no??
Even if you would have told those guys when you were young you were not interested in them they would have continued to pursue you and wore you down. This is what my ex did when I had zero interest in dating him, moving in with him or marrying him but he just keep pushing my boundaries to get his way.
I think “controlling parents” are trying to do the right thing to raise their children to respect others & to fit into society but the down fall is they are also teaching their children to take orders from others & teach them that they have no say in any relationship whether with their parents, co workers, friends and most importantly in a romantic relationship.
I know this is how I felt with my ex h during our relationship I would speck up & express my feelings but he would manipulated me again and again to get his way to a point I just gave up to have peace in the house because If I did not we would have argued all day long and who wants that and because that is how it was in my house growing up the parents were always right even when they were wrong & kids were to be seen not heard so I did not have confidence in my convictions some of the time especially if someone was very narcissist and demanding their ways over my ways.
Sociopaths love women/men who come from these type of households…my parents were the same as yours and I can see how I too was easily manipulated by my ex h because of always trying to do the “right thing” to give others respect while not giving myself the respect that I deserved from others…
but you have to keep in mind that sociopaths uses so many mind game manipulative to control people and we don’t have a chance to escape those if we are not aware that they even exist. My ex was masterful at gas lighting abuse which really mentally broke my spirit down which meant he could control me more because I was mentally, emotionally & physically exhausted by the gas lighting abuse plus his constant drama & chaos he created all throughout each and everyday. I bet your ex’s did the same.
You can look back on your life and self reflect which is a great thing but you also have to keep in mind a sociopath is a con artist and they will con lots & lots of people..it’s a game to them.
I think that is very wise to be very careful as to who you let into your inner circle. remember 1 in 25 people mainly men are sociopaths/psychopaths and 1 in 5 people 75% men are narcissist.. thrown in the other disorders and you really have to be careful.
Think about this 6 out of 25 kids sitting in one class room of every class you ever sat in fit the mental diagnose of a sociopath/psychopath or narcissist. Scary!!
Think about this 6 out of 25 people you see in the grocery store fits the diagnoses.
To learn to follow your gut google “Oprah Gavin Debecker you tube” and watch their interview on following your gut and read Gavins book Gift of Fear (another book every women should read).
Hugs to you…I am sorry that you are in debt now…breaks my heart how they leave such destruction behind. I am glad that you are educating yourself on how to spot a sociopath. Educating is key to avoiding one in our future.
What’s interesting is , with the exception of my latest relationship, I pursued these guys who ended up being totally wrong for me. I didn’t go as far as asking them out, but I made myself available and acted interested, flirted, dressed sexy, etc to get their attention. However, once they started being interested in me, I quickly got that uncomfortable feeling and tried to figure out how to escape. Maybe once I got close enough to them, I started realizing how disordered they actually were. Pretty to look at, not so pretty to be around.
My ex pushed all sorts of boundaries…wanted to me stay overnight with him although I had a teenager at home, wanted to live together 4 months into the relationship, didn’t want me to be so accommodating to my kids’ dad for visitation, etc.
I had a tough day today. A couple weeks ago, my ex married another woman, although he had been living with me two weeks prior to his wedding date. Yesterday, his daughter “liked” something on my Facebook page, so her picture in her bridesmaid dress popped up. That made me so sad and jealous. Thankfully I resisted the temptation to look at her Facebook page and see pictures of the wedding (I’ve unfollowed her, but not unfriended, so I only see her when she comments on something on my page). Then today, my girlfriend told me about a wonderful wedding she was at this past weekend for her stepdaughter. Even though it had nothing to do with my ex, I was immediately overcome by overwhelming sadness, and I thought about leaving work. I’m more traumatized than I realize. I wonder if I will have positive feelings about weddings ever again.
9 days NC. He hasn’t tried and I haven’t either. Honestly, I don’t even know what I would say. Hopefully, that day never comes.
just wanted to clarify some thing for you…1 in 5 people 75% men are narcissist.
I am now enjoying my life, remarried to a wonderful husband, who is nothing like my ex-spath.
My ex found out that I remarried and went crazy, since he knows my new husband. Additionally,
I took my new husband’s name, which I did not do when I married the spath. Last, but not least,
my new husband is not rich at all, like my ex, but he provides us with everything we need. Peacefulness,
love, trust and kindness all of which you cannot put a price tag on.
I am very patiently waiting for the ex spath to “pull a stunt” with someone that will get him into
trouble. I truly believe that he will in time. Their behavior doesn’t change much. Patiently waiting
for his time to come.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7PG6Y_CdVgI
“Revenge is a dish best served cold”
This was a quote my ex path used a lot! However, I did manage to get a sort of revenge on him, enough to make me feel better anyway 🙂
I had discovered that he had 5 aliases! I kept receiving debt letters for him. I sent them back to the companies, Not Known at this Address.
Then I found a bank statement showing that he’d had a large amount of money at the beginning of a month & at the end of it he’d had nothing. I had been supporting us all that time as supposedly he didn’t have any money & he hadn’t given me ANY money towards running the house.
I was so angry, as you can imagine. I opened the next debt letter and rang the company. I told them he no longer lived there, but I had his new address if they wanted it – they did 🙂 I also told them I’d discovered he had 5 aliases (at least), did they want those too – they did!! 🙂 The guy said to me “He’s really giving us the runaround isn’t he” lol.
I heard through a friend that I was now The Bitch From Hell!! I laughed –
it made me feel better lol
Apparently the bailiffs had turned up complete with police escort and he and his new girlfriend were arrested and his goods (including my brand new laptop which he’d stolen) were sold to pay some of his debts.
Given that he’d left me in debt to the tune of £15k and I was unlikely to see any of that again, I felt even such a small victory was a triumph!! 🙂
I just found out 7 days ago, that I have been lied to and deceived for 5 years by Hans. He has pretended to be single, reclusive, a relationship phobic and I believed him. We had an on off relationship. He would appear make promises, flirt with me, tell me we are in a relationship, that he loves me, wants children, and so on. He always started out being very attentive, writing every hour or so. This went on until the first date, during the first date he would get distant, and always needed to leave fast. He would become distant, even mean. And I would not take this behavior and fought back. He would soon after block me and dissapear. I loved him, so I was sad, heart broken, stressed when he was gone,i would miss him, mourn the relationship we never got to have. He would then appear again after a few weeks and I was glad he had returned and he was always so nice and apologized and I couldn’t be angry anymore. He was back. Then the exact same cycle started over again. Each time a little different but it never got to a stable relationship no matter how patient I was no matter how much I tried to help, some times it was 2 or 3 meetings. This went on for 5 years. He wouldn’t even tell me where he lived. I had lived in a shared flat with him in the beginning, so I thought I knew him to be a reclusive that was alone most of the time. I also wanted to believe him because I loved him so much. So time went on, he always came back and I always let him. Our last relationship went from November 2020 until the beginning of July 2021. We got into a fight, when I wanted him to take more responsibility. He ignored me for a week and then told me outright he didn’t want me anymore and the meanest things. He left blocked me again it was July 2021. This had happened so many times. But this time I wrote a mail to someone I thought was a friend of his. I told her who I was and that I hoped she could tell my why I couldn’t be part of his life. She blocked me immediately. No comment. Nothing.
After this, I thought he had told his friends about me, the few he had, and nothing good.
I then went on with my life, looked for dates, hoping against hope that I could find a different love.
In August 2021 he returned. I told him this time he would not play me again. I tried to keep him out, but he got me to give in once more, to hope again. But this time I ended it in October, telling him he couldn’t stay if he did not open up. We met once more and he blocked me soon after…
5 days ago, November 2021, I typed his name into YouTube and found a video a friend of his uploaded…of his marriage in September 2021 to another woman. The same woman that I had wrote to, whom I had thought to be a girlfriend from uni, whom he had told me he did not like because he did not like her looks. The friend had published his phone number below the wedding video. I called the number and the friend told me the woman and Hans had been together since 7 years and were living together for 2 years. I have been deceived and used and lied to for 5 years by a man that told me so many times there was no one else. I don’t understand how this could possibly be real, how I could have tried to help and love, be kind to someone that lied without remorse for years.
I admit I was naive, not consistent, and I hoped more that anything he would trust me one day and let me in but no one deserves to be deceived in such a horrible manner. The constant heart break destroyed me, broke me, the constant hope and the constant disappointment.
He called me crying, he was sorry and he was going to move away without her. I had now learned not to believe him. Years too late, so many years…god I hope people will see through his facade. I don’t think that will happen….