You’ve finally figured out what is wrong with an individual who has taken advantage of you, abused you, perhaps even assaulted you. Reading Lovefraud, you realize that he or she is a sociopath.
Now, you’re an emotional wreck. You’ve been profoundly betrayed. You’re justifiably angry. Plus, the sociopath has caused you real problems. Perhaps all your money is gone. Or you’re in a vicious child custody battle. You’ve lost your job, your savings or your home. You suffer from anxiety, depression or PTSD. You feel so far down that you don’t even know which direction is up.
You are outraged by the sociopath’s actions. You are further outraged that after this individual bulldozed through your life, he or she seems to be facing absolutely no consequences. The predator has simply moved on to a new target, leaving you in a heap of ashes.
You want your life back. You want to sociopath to be accountable for the destruction he or she caused. And you want to make sure he or she never does this to another human being. But the predator turns on the charm, or plays the victim, or convinces everyone that you are mentally unstable. No one seems to be able to help you. In fact, no one even understands what you’re talking about.
It’s infuriating. If you were honest with yourself, you’d have to admit that you really want revenge.
“Living well is the best revenge”
This proverb was recorded by the English poet George Herbert in 1651. Perhaps whoever originally said it hundreds of years ago knew about sociopaths.
Right now, with your life in tatters, you probably feel like “living well” is an impossible dream. But you can start working towards that goal immediately—and stick it to the sociopath in the process.
The sociopath’s prime objective in life is power and control. If you deny the sociopath power and control over you, you take away what he or she wants most.
The power and control that the sociopath exerts is primarily over your thoughts and emotions. You can break that power and control, and it doesn’t even have to cost you any money. The first step, of course, is No Contact. We talk about No Contact all the time on Lovefraud, but if you need a refresher course on how to do it, read:
It’s true that No Contact is difficult in many cases, such as if you share children with the sociopath, or you work together. In these situations, you need to get to Emotional No Contact. That means you detach emotionally; you do not allow him or her to upset you. There are caveats to this as well, because sociopaths are capable of atrocious behavior that really pushes your buttons. In these cases, you certainly deserve to be upset—just don’t let the sociopath see it.
Remember, they want power and control. If they see that they have triggered you, they know that they still have power and control over you.
The key, therefore, is to focus on healing yourself and improving your life. It will take time. It will require processing the pain, disappointment and anger of the betrayal. But if you decide to recover, you can do it. For more on this, read:
5 steps to recovery from the sociopath (they’re not fast or easy, but the healing is real)
This does not mean that the sociopath should get away with what happened. But if you want to hold the sociopath accountable, you need to do it from a position of strength. Working on your own recovery is the best way to develop the strength.
“Revenge is a dish best served cold”
The source of this statement is also unclear—it was first translated from French to English in 1846, but apparently was already a proverb by then.
It’s not a good idea to consciously go out to seek revenge. (Another proverb attributed to the Chinese philosopher Confucius states, “Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves.”) But as time goes by and you build your inner strength, you may suddenly find yourself faced with an opportunity to hold the sociopath accountable.
The sociopath, of course, will continue a life of destruction. Eventually, he or she may target the wrong person or seriously break the law, and someone may contact you to find out what you know about this disordered individual. Then, in a calm and collected manner, you can describe your experience, provide evidence that proves a pattern of behavior, and contribute to some type of justice—whether it’s getting the individual prosecuted, exposed in the media, or just ruining his or her efforts with yet another potential victim.
Revenge may be possible, but probably not right away. So focus on your first priority, which is healing your own life. Then, be patient. By releasing the pain and upset of your betrayal, you’ll be ready when an opportunity arrives for justice.
To you, justice will be sweet revenge.
Be careful! I am being sued for exposing my ex-SP.
He is suing me for $10 million & he is representing himself & so far, he is winning & I am losing even with an attorney.
In fact, I think the attorney I hired took me for a ride, as I am now out of a lot of $$$s, and all my motions were denied & I am back to square one! Now defending myself, as I cannot afford another attorney…
Best to just let them go & keep your fingers crossed that “what goes around, comes around.”
Though at this point in my life, I am thinking: not only does the law NOT protect the victim, but it is the bad guys that get ahead…
Wow – this certainly is a popular article. Thank you Donna! I have been waiting for this one for 20 months. Revenge is not ours except to live well. He is not worth it EXCEPT for YOUR success and well being.
I am a novice numerologist and studying this ancient discipline was one of the “saving” parts of my recovery last year. If we do the numbers on all of these turd nuggets above, I am sure we will find similar stories as I did for my psychopath.
I believe we are on a journey in this life. We can make different choices because we all have free will, but strangely, it appears we eventually circle back to our previous pathway in this life.
On Tuesday, I finally face my psychopath in court and sign the divorce papers. It’s over. Finally. What I have discovered about his deceit is horrifying. What I now realize now is that the gentle hand of God has moved me out of this evil ones future incarceration and suffering for his deceit. Apparently, I missed all of the cues the last decade, so I have experienced “divine” intervention. When the police come calling for my ex husband, I will be gone and the new girlfriend will be standing in the doorway with her mouth open in shock as they handcuff him and lead him away.
I am blessed. We all are blessed. I have dodged a bullet with the ending of this marriage and I will give thanks everyday moving forward. Revenge is the Lord’s! – Believe that and trust it. Let’s get out there and live the life we were ALL meant to live! Peace to all of you and blessings always!
This is a great article!
I totally understand the high need to expose him, to prevent him from continuing his game, to save if you can other women from becoming the next victim. But to do that you basically need to sacrifice the remainder of your life and your healing process. Basically your life remains intertwined with theirs, and you end up living yours through their fake one.
The best revenge imo, now that I am healed and learned so much is to come out stronger and have a happy life. The best revenge on a destructive spath is that in the end he’s only a blip in my past and all his destructive intentions for me went for nought!
Thank you so much for this article today, especially. I have been married to this type of man for more than a year. It took several times before i was able to establish no contact and i’m still having a hard time with it. However, about a month ago, he had his last violent outburst and i obtained a restraining order, he violated it the same day – I called the police and he was arrested, they let him out on $5000 PR. He still tried contacting me indirectly over the first two weeks but I stayed strong and ignored his efforts, until one day – he finally got to me. He claimed to miss me, love me and finally realized how sick he is and enrolled in services for abuse, anger management and therapy along with a psychiatrist. So, I accepted a phone call from him and we started texting, etc. The hearing for the RO was less than a week away. During that time, it started again – i got really upset and let him know exactly what I was thinking and feeling about all of this (by the way – due to the RO, he had no where to stay but the mens’ shelter) and he retaliated in the usual way only this time HE called the police on ME. He lied to the police and said that i was stalking him, blocking his vehicle and he didn’t want to get into trouble because of the RO. When the police arrived, i proved that we had been in contact for the last few days AND that we had been sitting there for hours talking before he called them. Needless to say, they arrested him and he’s been in jail. His hearing was postponed until today and his arraignment is in November. I haven’t heard anything from him d/t orders of the RO and he’s in prison. He hasn’t even tried to contact me indirectly again. But he is doing all the usual – telling people i got him arrested, telling everyone he’s the one suffering at the hand of a psycho, etc and alot of them believe him. AND i found out that during the time of him “courting” me back into his life, he had already started seeing someone else. Even after all of this, I still have a hard time with wanting him to really mean what he says, that he’ll get better and the abuse will stop – I’m at a really vulnerable point but I’m glad that there is now way for me to contact him or vice versa. I’m forced into have NO CONTACT. i see that as a blessing right now because deep down, i know he’ll never change and i will only keep getting more of the same. I’m waiting on the divorce papers and that will be the last time I absolutely MUST deal with him. Thank you for all of your posts and having this site. I’m sorry that we all had to experience and lose parts of our lives with these people. But, it’s definitely a learning lesson and makes us all that much stronger and wiser. AND I do believe Karma is at work, I don’t purposely seek out revenge, it’s not in my nature – but he sure does do everything possible to “avenge” himself and try to make my life even more miserable. However, it seems to me that I don’t have to exact revenge, his stupidity does it for me and most times that’s all we have to do.
Love, Peace and Happiness to all!
Defendant12 – I can sort of relate. I had 4 court cases against my ex-spath, all with no lawyer. I had 3 in small claims and one in family court. I had a child with him, a guy who wasn’t able to have kids and even went to a doctor to prove it to me…HA! I won in 2 of the small claims cases, to the tune of $47,800. I know I’ll never see a cent but just that fact that I have that over his head is enough. 😀 I have another trial next week and then a hearing concerning access in September.
It’s funny…in the last couple of months he managed to con Legal Aid into giving him a lawyer. he’s been working regularly since we split. I, on the other hand, haven’t had a full time job since last November and I had no lawyer and I’m the one trying to protect my child. On Thursday we were in court and he freaked out and refused to leave me alone…got thrown out of the courthouse 3 times and then the cops were called. He should have been arrested but he wasn’t. I’m not sure how he gets away with this shit! but because of his outburst and actions, his legal aid lawyer quit on him and I ended up getting one to act for me!! so he did me a huge favour by showing the entire court staff what a douche-bag he really is. 😀 he still texts me and threatens that his lawyer has tons of ‘shit’ to use against me…little does he know that they told me they no longer represent him. hahahahha!! not only that, there is no ‘shit’ on me because I’m a ‘good’ person and good luck to him to try to prove otherwise.
I have found that it’s really hard to find a lawyer who ‘gets it’. I have gone to Social Services, Victim Services, and now Legal Aid to try to get help and the first thing I ask is ‘are you familiar with mental disorders…particularly socio/pyscho paths?’ and go from there. If they scoff, I move on. sad, but true. my current lawyer, as of last Thursday, when asked that question, said ‘those are dangerous people’. I am so glad the ex did what he did on Thursday because now people BELIEVE what I’m saying, rather than trying to downplay it. for the first time in 2 years, I feel like I’m not in this fight alone.
Hope52, I wish you the very best on your settlement….”settlement.” LOL!! Like I posted, I don’t believe that any amount of money or any punishment can redress the life-altering choices that these people made to harm others.
I hope that your divorce will open the door to your own freedom, Hope52.
Brightest blessings
Donna,
Daily dose of wisdom…. thank you!
Aloha
I am just tied to him because he has to give me spousal support. My opinion a sociopath/psychopath will just continue doing the same thing.
Best revenge is a dish best served cold because karma always hits them in the face.
strongawoman,
thanks for responding to my rant about Ian brady, He really is a deeply disturbing individual…sadistic psychopath…according to one of the psychs He was talking to, He was trying to insinuate He ‘frightened’ one the children he murdered to death because they couldn’t find a cause of death….He felt that powerful and in such control…oh God imagine needing to frighten a child to death to feel like a man! Sad, Sick, Depraved individual
bulletproof, I love your screen name.
I didn’t think you were ranting. Not at all. The programme was very disturbing and some people believe we, as a civilised society, shouldn’t give Brady airspace and I did consider whether I should watch it. Or even that I wanted to. I am sure he “enjoyed” the additional notoriety it gave him.
My lasting impression, however, was of Winnie Johnson, Keith Bennetts mother. Brave, courageous, proud and
just one wonderful human being. I really hope they are reunited in Heaven. RIP.