You’ve finally figured out what is wrong with an individual who has taken advantage of you, abused you, perhaps even assaulted you. Reading Lovefraud, you realize that he or she is a sociopath.
Now, you’re an emotional wreck. You’ve been profoundly betrayed. You’re justifiably angry. Plus, the sociopath has caused you real problems. Perhaps all your money is gone. Or you’re in a vicious child custody battle. You’ve lost your job, your savings or your home. You suffer from anxiety, depression or PTSD. You feel so far down that you don’t even know which direction is up.
You are outraged by the sociopath’s actions. You are further outraged that after this individual bulldozed through your life, he or she seems to be facing absolutely no consequences. The predator has simply moved on to a new target, leaving you in a heap of ashes.
You want your life back. You want to sociopath to be accountable for the destruction he or she caused. And you want to make sure he or she never does this to another human being. But the predator turns on the charm, or plays the victim, or convinces everyone that you are mentally unstable. No one seems to be able to help you. In fact, no one even understands what you’re talking about.
It’s infuriating. If you were honest with yourself, you’d have to admit that you really want revenge.
“Living well is the best revenge”
This proverb was recorded by the English poet George Herbert in 1651. Perhaps whoever originally said it hundreds of years ago knew about sociopaths.
Right now, with your life in tatters, you probably feel like “living well” is an impossible dream. But you can start working towards that goal immediately—and stick it to the sociopath in the process.
The sociopath’s prime objective in life is power and control. If you deny the sociopath power and control over you, you take away what he or she wants most.
The power and control that the sociopath exerts is primarily over your thoughts and emotions. You can break that power and control, and it doesn’t even have to cost you any money. The first step, of course, is No Contact. We talk about No Contact all the time on Lovefraud, but if you need a refresher course on how to do it, read:
It’s true that No Contact is difficult in many cases, such as if you share children with the sociopath, or you work together. In these situations, you need to get to Emotional No Contact. That means you detach emotionally; you do not allow him or her to upset you. There are caveats to this as well, because sociopaths are capable of atrocious behavior that really pushes your buttons. In these cases, you certainly deserve to be upset—just don’t let the sociopath see it.
Remember, they want power and control. If they see that they have triggered you, they know that they still have power and control over you.
The key, therefore, is to focus on healing yourself and improving your life. It will take time. It will require processing the pain, disappointment and anger of the betrayal. But if you decide to recover, you can do it. For more on this, read:
5 steps to recovery from the sociopath (they’re not fast or easy, but the healing is real)
This does not mean that the sociopath should get away with what happened. But if you want to hold the sociopath accountable, you need to do it from a position of strength. Working on your own recovery is the best way to develop the strength.
“Revenge is a dish best served cold”
The source of this statement is also unclear—it was first translated from French to English in 1846, but apparently was already a proverb by then.
It’s not a good idea to consciously go out to seek revenge. (Another proverb attributed to the Chinese philosopher Confucius states, “Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves.”) But as time goes by and you build your inner strength, you may suddenly find yourself faced with an opportunity to hold the sociopath accountable.
The sociopath, of course, will continue a life of destruction. Eventually, he or she may target the wrong person or seriously break the law, and someone may contact you to find out what you know about this disordered individual. Then, in a calm and collected manner, you can describe your experience, provide evidence that proves a pattern of behavior, and contribute to some type of justice—whether it’s getting the individual prosecuted, exposed in the media, or just ruining his or her efforts with yet another potential victim.
Revenge may be possible, but probably not right away. So focus on your first priority, which is healing your own life. Then, be patient. By releasing the pain and upset of your betrayal, you’ll be ready when an opportunity arrives for justice.
To you, justice will be sweet revenge.
bulletproof and strongawoman I too watched a documentary and recent reports on Ian Brady. I do not think he could remember where Keith Bennet is buried, he is manipulating this situation for power and control. He was taken back to Saddleworth some years ago to locate the place where this poor boy was buried and it was apparent then he didn’t know. All the stories about letters and notes are just ways for him to create drama and hurt the Bennet family even more by giving them a little hope.
He is a vile evil man . I understand the hunger strike is another way for him to be in control and in the limelight-as he will apparently end the hunger strike if he gets to move to a different prison! Like all spaths- if his lips are moving he is telling lies.
Unfortunately, when my spath gets tired of “no contact” then that is when he stirs up trouble. Recently my spath (a doctor) returned my 15 year old daughter at 7:30pm and she was suffering from an allergic reaction to an antibiotic she was on. He had taken her to buy a puppy (two weeks before a schedule hearing to revised custody from every other weekend to sole custody for him. He knew the judge was going to ask her who she wanted to live with hence the need to buy a puppy before trial. He only really wanted 50 percent custody so he could cut the child support payment in half). I spent the rest of the evening contacting on call doctors and getting her medicine to soothe her symptoms of a red, blistered and swollen face and a blistery upper torso. The on call doctor told me to take her to her primary care physician the next day and I did. She confirmed that my daughter had a bad allergic reaction to her antibiotic. I texted my spath after the doctors office to say that what our daughter experience the day before was a drug allergy. He replied, “I thought so and I told her so”. He rendered no aid to his own daughter and he knew what was happening. So as easy as it seems to promote No Contact, the sociopath will create ways of instigating drama when it has been quiet for too long.
Also, don’t expect the courts to recognize sociopathic behavior. Two weeks later my attorney showed the judge graphic photos of my daughter’s swollen face and I described the situation to the judge and his response was, “Did you notify your ex-husband of the situation?” I said, he knew the situation because he dropped her off after being with her for 5 hours and offering her no assistance and he is a doctor. The judge refused to take the incident seriously. He later told me if I decided to continue with my evidence and testimony in this custody hearing he would just flip a coin so I might reconsider proceeding. He also told me to enroll in a co-parenting class with my ex. What a joke. I recently receive information that my ex had become the local bartender for my daughter and her 14 year old friends. So apparently alcohol is being served to minors around his new pool.
After 4 years of my ex-husband having every other weekends and Monday night dinner from 5pm-7pm, he now has my daughter from 7am Monday- 7am Wednesday and every other Friday from 7am. On his weekend he has her from 7am Friday until 7am Wednesday. We have been on this track for three weeks and my daughter has already missed most of a day of her volunteer shift (he didn’t wake her up and take her to her volunteer job) and he left in the middle of the mandatory parents sports meeting for the upcoming school year.
He also got away with taking my daughter on a cruise during Spring Break week which is the holiday week I have had with my daughter for the past 4 years. My job prevents me from taking the week of winter break off. The same judge insisted that he be allowed to highjack my holiday week so my ex got both of the school break weeks this past year. The judge told me to plan a vacation with my daughter anywhere in the world and my ex would pay for it because my ex had been underhanded- the judges words. I engaged a 14 year old in a vacation planning exercise (reasonable) and on the day I was told to bring the itenerary to the judge with the cost, the judge said, “Oh, by the way, I don’t have the authority to enforce this. Sorry”. I paid a lawyer $600, took of work and hand to break my daughters heart when I told her the trip was just a bunch of adults messing with a teenager.
Be strong but know that when you are dealing with a sociopath nothing is fair because the general population does not know how to or want to deal with these types of people, so those who follow the appropriate rules of conduct will get be on the short end of the stick at times.
I am working on developing a support group for those people in my community that have to deal with this particular judge in family court.
My daughter realizes she was played by her dad when he bought a house with a swimming pool and a new puppy before the hearing. Unfortunately, in my state the law guardians don’t seem to questions why a child who was content with every other weekend visitation with her father now thinks 50/50 is ok. They just think that a child whose brain is not yet fully developed at 14 years of age can make an informed decision. The judge and law guardian were both told that my ex bought a house with a swimming pool and a puppy before the custody hearing and both didn’t think that was a ploy to sway a 14 year old who had said prior to this that the original visitation was fine.
Godspeed to everyone who has a sociopath in their lives…..
Donna,
I always find the timing of your blogs to be perfect as they relate to where I am in my life. When I divorced over 3 years ago I thought I was just divorcing a selfish jerk who lied a lot and used me for money and credit. It wasn’t until this past year that I’ve started to put the puzzle pieces together as I learned more about the word “sociopath.” My first resource on the subject was your site and I’ve been drawn to it ever since. It has helped me to understand more, and it has given me more pieces of the puzzle. Thank you!
Due to my ex spath looking to charm the judicial system (claims to be a cop, a law student, a former officer of the court and a disabled vet–not bad for a guy who’s 34 *snickers) and try to use it against me. I’ve learned it’s important to save EVERYTHING! I recently obtained my counseling records from when I was still married to my ex spath (2008). I was severely depressed and put myself in counseling against the spath’s wishes and threats against me if I went. He was the source of my depression. Counselor noted that I showed symptoms of an abused women. She noted “domestic abuse” a few times and reminded me of “power and control” whenever I made excuses for him and when I thought things were getting better. It was clear to her I was a victim of emotional abuse and isolation.
After reading lovefraud.com, and reading some not-so-pleasant counseling records, going over my mounds of evidence (letters, emails, text messages, etc) the puzzle is becoming more clear! I finally get the bigger picture. Now I am feeling the anger and emotions I wish I would have felt over 3 years ago. Now I feel like my healing is taking place. Now I know I was just used, never loved, taken advantage of, and 10 years of my life were stolen based on his lies and manipulations. I’m pissed! We have 3 kids together and he’s playing the same manipulating mind games on them. Using them as pawns against me. It’s an ugly game. That pisses me off even more! I want to see this new empire he’s built up crumble. I want this new rich family he’s taking advantage of and milking a home, money, cars from to see the light of the truth. He’s hurt so many people. He’s burned many bridges, yet he always is able to move on quickly and find a new victim. He’s just like a cockroach. Nothing takes or keeps him down!
I was just sharing these feelings with my fiance this past weekend. When I sent him this blog he said “did you write this?” Everything in this is what I am going through and it is frustrating. I’ve limited my contact to “emergency only” but that doesn’t stop him from texting and emailing me. So I ignore him and those lack of responses he is trying to use against me to make me look like bad mother.
I was a young 20 year old girl who was lured into marriage in 6 months by a sociopath. I suffered in an unloving marriage for 10 years! It sucks. I am not vindictive. I am always forgiving and give the benefit of the doubt. I believe in second chances. To me he deserves none of that. I wish he could pay me and my family back the thousands he conned. Give me my credit back so I can move on with my fiance & kids and we no longer have to pay for his selfish mistakes of the past. I know none of this will happen. I DO WANT REVENGE! I want my name cleared of all the lies. I don’t want him emotionally abusing my kids. I am worried about their innocent little minds being filled with his toxins. There’s a lot I want but at the end of the day, I just want him to suffer. I want him to feel something. I want him to go to hell. He deserves nothing less.
“It’s not a good idea to consciously go out to seek revenge.”
This is a little disingenous, no?
You have a website triggered by your desire to understand expose the actions of your named psychological-attacker and you make sure to state his name here and through your media productions.
Don’t deny others the information they need to achieve the same focus on their perpetrators.
whatevs,
I can see your point theoretically, and yet it’s a bit misleading, imho. Loevraud is not a blog aimed at exposing and revenging herself at her ex, even if she has no issues at naming her spath and isn’t using an anonymous blog name. It’s a place of info, help and support for victims, learning to recognize red flags, discuss our opinions on suspect media cases, etc…
Since Donna Anderson does not remain anonymous herself, it’s pretty useless to keep the spath anonymous. When I talk in person to people (that is, I’m clearly not anonymous) about the spath I simply use his name too. There’s little point in not naming him then. That doesn’t mean I’m revenging myself on him though. And if I were say interviewed by a magazine regarding sociopathy and opt not to remain anonymous I would mention his name too.
Thank you, callmeathena! “It happened. So what. Move on.” I’ve read that “brevity is the soul of wit” and that closing few statements were as profound for me as all the wise words in this blog. I’m making that my screen saver and may even get a tattoo. Thank you again.
Hello all. It’s me Lillian. The end is here. Not near. It was near for four miserable years. The end is here. I am 50. No one will hire me. I have thyroid disease and just had spinal surgery to repair my spinal column in my neck. I lost my house finally. And the creditors have attached my bank account. I live in a garage. I’m so far under I can’t possibly dig out. I’m humiated. Oh and yes I’m alive but I haven’t a clue as to why I bothered with that. I have no one to turn to. I have no where to go. I have nocontactwith the apathy but that and $3,00 will buy me a Starbucks. I really don’t have any friends and I’m sick of it. It’s been five long lonely devistating years and all the hoo rah in the world can’t help me now. I’m intelligent. I know what’s up. I know I have no alternatives. I want to quit. He won. Claim him the winner. Stop the world I want to get off. What more is there for me to do. I worked hard and long my entire life for nothing. To end up here with nothing. I hate wjho I’ve become. And it hasn’t been a few weeks. It’s turned into years. I actually hopes I died during my spinal surgery. But Im just not that lucky. I’m sorry but even with all the support and the hoo rahs some one else on here must feel the same as I do. Or did. And they either lived to tell the tale or they didn’t. I guess if anyone was this low after so long and got back on their feet I’d love to hear about it. And how or what I can possibly do by myself to start below ground zero and actually survive. Love to you all. I’m at a loss. I’m at my wits end. And my fear of prison is fading. I swear! Lillian
Lillian,
you poor darling. I am so sorry that you have been dealt this shiat. What can I say to you that doesn’t sound like hot air and not much else. To think that your life is over at 50!…..that is terrible for you. Why can’t you get any assistance.? You have had surgery but you’re living in a garage? What about bankruptcy?
I’m sorry if I am just making it worse…..Yes there are people here who have lost everything and are going through the hell that you have been and are still going through.
Hold on. Don’t give up Lillian
I just confronted my husband about my missing elementary school photos. They were in my underwear drawyer three weeks ago, but now are gone.
I asked him to please not throw them away. He said it’s all in my head…I HAVE PROBLEMS!
Well, I’m upset that I failed to remove the pics from his temptation. What a loser he must be!
He says that everyone wonders why he ever married me…I used to wonder that too, but have come to realize that he married me because I was the only person he dated who had money and “stuff” that he could steal.
I neither hate him nor do I seek revenge. I feel indifference…the real opposite of love. I no longer care enough to feel any emotions towards him.
Yes, I’d like all of my things back, but that seems futile. So, I’m trying to be content with what I still have…enough presence of mind to recognize that he is sick beyond all help.
I truly do wish that judges would be professionally required to take continuing education classes to recognize devient behaviors, but for now it’s just the luck of the draw court wise.
Lillian, he’s lucky that you’re not like him. If you were, you’d find a way to exact revenge upon him. So the good news is that living with him did not turn you into someone just like him.
Before too long, I will be free too. I have no job, am 64 years old, and because my income went into a “joint” account that in reality was my name added to his personal account, credit wise I no longer exist. He also encouraged me to have my checks made out directly to his personal company, so many of my checks weren’t even endorsed by me…boy did I ever make it easy for him to steal my income!
It will be rough, but I will no longer be living under the control of someone who installed carmeras, networked our computers so he could read all of my e-mails and view what I was browsing. He also monitored my USPS mail and likely installed listening devices on the telephones (that were put solely into his name.
He might take everything I own with him, but I will retain my humanity and live free from his paranoid control..
I actually do pity him. He’s so unhappy with his being that he can never be honest, not even with himself. My slag of a husband truly feels no shame remorse, or most emotions that normal people seem to feel. He is a fraud who seems only capable of emoting superior righteousness. Strangely, it doesn’t seem to bother him that he only exists as a lie.
I think that the fact that I feel indifference towards him is going to make no contact easy for me. I’ll also need a new computer because he currently runs a computer network that allows him to view client’s computers in other states.
(HUGS) to all of you.
Dear I’mconfused,
It is tough, at any age to disengage from themm, and especially financially. I hope you can break free and still keep a roof over your head. The thing is, I think, that it is better to live in a card board box in peace than in a mansion in chaos and fear. Good luck and God bless. You are in my prayers.