You’ve finally figured out what is wrong with an individual who has taken advantage of you, abused you, perhaps even assaulted you. Reading Lovefraud, you realize that he or she is a sociopath.
Now, you’re an emotional wreck. You’ve been profoundly betrayed. You’re justifiably angry. Plus, the sociopath has caused you real problems. Perhaps all your money is gone. Or you’re in a vicious child custody battle. You’ve lost your job, your savings or your home. You suffer from anxiety, depression or PTSD. You feel so far down that you don’t even know which direction is up.
You are outraged by the sociopath’s actions. You are further outraged that after this individual bulldozed through your life, he or she seems to be facing absolutely no consequences. The predator has simply moved on to a new target, leaving you in a heap of ashes.
You want your life back. You want to sociopath to be accountable for the destruction he or she caused. And you want to make sure he or she never does this to another human being. But the predator turns on the charm, or plays the victim, or convinces everyone that you are mentally unstable. No one seems to be able to help you. In fact, no one even understands what you’re talking about.
It’s infuriating. If you were honest with yourself, you’d have to admit that you really want revenge.
“Living well is the best revenge”
This proverb was recorded by the English poet George Herbert in 1651. Perhaps whoever originally said it hundreds of years ago knew about sociopaths.
Right now, with your life in tatters, you probably feel like “living well” is an impossible dream. But you can start working towards that goal immediately—and stick it to the sociopath in the process.
The sociopath’s prime objective in life is power and control. If you deny the sociopath power and control over you, you take away what he or she wants most.
The power and control that the sociopath exerts is primarily over your thoughts and emotions. You can break that power and control, and it doesn’t even have to cost you any money. The first step, of course, is No Contact. We talk about No Contact all the time on Lovefraud, but if you need a refresher course on how to do it, read:
It’s true that No Contact is difficult in many cases, such as if you share children with the sociopath, or you work together. In these situations, you need to get to Emotional No Contact. That means you detach emotionally; you do not allow him or her to upset you. There are caveats to this as well, because sociopaths are capable of atrocious behavior that really pushes your buttons. In these cases, you certainly deserve to be upset—just don’t let the sociopath see it.
Remember, they want power and control. If they see that they have triggered you, they know that they still have power and control over you.
The key, therefore, is to focus on healing yourself and improving your life. It will take time. It will require processing the pain, disappointment and anger of the betrayal. But if you decide to recover, you can do it. For more on this, read:
5 steps to recovery from the sociopath (they’re not fast or easy, but the healing is real)
This does not mean that the sociopath should get away with what happened. But if you want to hold the sociopath accountable, you need to do it from a position of strength. Working on your own recovery is the best way to develop the strength.
“Revenge is a dish best served cold”
The source of this statement is also unclear—it was first translated from French to English in 1846, but apparently was already a proverb by then.
It’s not a good idea to consciously go out to seek revenge. (Another proverb attributed to the Chinese philosopher Confucius states, “Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves.”) But as time goes by and you build your inner strength, you may suddenly find yourself faced with an opportunity to hold the sociopath accountable.
The sociopath, of course, will continue a life of destruction. Eventually, he or she may target the wrong person or seriously break the law, and someone may contact you to find out what you know about this disordered individual. Then, in a calm and collected manner, you can describe your experience, provide evidence that proves a pattern of behavior, and contribute to some type of justice—whether it’s getting the individual prosecuted, exposed in the media, or just ruining his or her efforts with yet another potential victim.
Revenge may be possible, but probably not right away. So focus on your first priority, which is healing your own life. Then, be patient. By releasing the pain and upset of your betrayal, you’ll be ready when an opportunity arrives for justice.
To you, justice will be sweet revenge.
Last night I was on computer and got this urge to get even with Jim. I attempted to contact his ex-wife but was unsuccessful. It was a good thing cause I would have shot myself in the foot. Jim is so vicious and can do more damage to me than I can ever do to him. Best to keep my thoughts to chat boards like this.
See, I am curious because Jim’s daughter is living with him up here. Jim did not have visitation with his two daughters in my five years of dating him. And, now his daughter is up here with him. She is 17.
She was the difficult daughter for Jim to persuade, and now she’s up here laughing with him like they are the happiest family.
I learned of Jim’s daughter being with him when Jim finally picked up his wheelbarrow from neighbor Dana’s garage. Jim parked his wheel barrow in Dana’s garage and she was after him for a year to get it out. Finally he said he would pick-up his wheel barrel. I was sitting with Dana on her deck when he called. After Dana got off the phone she gave me the option to hide in her house or do what-ever I gotta do. I chose to stay cause it’s been two years since I was with him. I gotta face the devil sooner or later. He pulled in and his daughter was driving his truck. They got out laughing and talking like life is all sunny and rosy.
Dana ran into Jim and his daughter at gas station a few weeks later. Again they were laughing and talking like life is all sunny and rosy.
My curiosity is peaked. I am waiting for this happy relationship to crash and burn. One part of me wishes that it would make Jim a nicer person so that I don’t have to watch my step if I run into him. But, I know their relationship will crash and burn. Jim is ecstatic right now to have his daughter around, but he gained her through manipulation.
Before I left Jim on July 4, 2010 He was secretly having contact with his daughters without their mothers knowledge. This was his first real contact in years. He claimed that their mother was keeping him away from them. He claimed that a court order for visitation was out of his reach because of ex-wife. He never mentioned that he wasn’t paying child support until he was facing jail time, and then he got his friends and me scrambling to come up with the purge money to keep him out of jail. That summer vacation of 2010 his daughter contacted him. Jim learned that the girls were home alone because their mother worked during the day. And he learned that the mother went to bed early because she had to get up early for work. So Jim talked on the phone with his daughters during the day while their mother was at work. He instructed them to delete his number off the caller ID. He played internet games with them at night after their mother went to bed. Cause she had to get up for work. This way he could interact with daughters on computer up here while his daughters were on computer in Milwaukee.
Since I know of Jim’s plot. I am really interested since he got the more “difficult” daughter up here. He didn’t get the more pliable daughter up here. The pliable daughter is the smart one. She is the one who called the sheriff to check on Jim when she couldn’t get a hold of him for months. She was about 8? at the time. She figured out the Adams County sheriff telephone number and called to ask them to check on her dad. Yet, she isn’t up here with her dad even though her sister is. Smart girl. She loves her dad yet knows that being around him is a train-wreck. So I’m guessing this is the reason.
Any hoo, I was just posting to getting even with the sociopath. It was tempting, but I didn’t do anything to get even. I will delight to see the crash and burn of his relationship with his daughter. Call me sadistic? Oh, come on. Jim is so mean and hateful and can never be wrong, and looks down at women. He will be exploding at that girl in time. jim had told me that when he had placement years ago that he wouldn’t allow his kids friends over cause he said kids steal.
He will be exploding at her. She is 17 going on 18 and she will be pushing to widen the boundaries.
On a funny note. I think. If Jim’s daughter decides to live up here she will be riding the school bus with my son. My son is handsome as he can be. Blue eyes and strawberry blonde curly hair. He won’t be interested cause she is Jim’s daughter.
It will really cause friction between Jim and his daughter cause Jim decided long ago that my son is going to prison.
Whereas my son is taking medical college credits in high school and will graduate as a CNA at high school graduation. From there he plans to go on to become a RN. And, he plans to eventually become a doctor.
He is taking it in steps so he gets work experience while he goes to school.
jeannie,, Curiosity killed the cat,,leave well enough alone and get on with your life..Sounds to me like you have nothing to gain here but more drama..I know you didnt ask me what I think but…
To Hens, that is why I am posting it here
What is the point of posting a blog about Getting Revenge on the Sociopath when our responses are dismissed as petty mess.
Seems to me that we gotta duck our heads, and let the bad guy get away with it.
didnt mean to offend ya jeannie – i thinks its fine to post about it here and vent your feelings..i was just puttin my 2 cents in – so sorry
Hi Jeannie,
it’s nice to hear/read from you.
Excellent about your son. Make sure he knows about spaths, because this stuff is hereditary. When a parent gets taken by spaths, the children are often vulnerable.
About revenge…it’s only human… and it’s infantile.
The more we mature the less the spath matters. It’s like the little boys who pulled our pigtails in grade school. OOOOHhhh how I hated those boys. There were twins, asian twins. Peter and Paul were their names in first grade. I couldn’t tell them apart, but one of them tripped me on purpose. I was infuriated. Donald, a little black boy, made the mistake of standing there laughing at me. I got up and SLAPPED HIS FACE. I was 5. He was shocked. Yeah, I got the last laugh on Donald.
I couldn’t get even with Peter or Paul, because I couldn’t tell them apart, but I got even with Donald! Looking back, I see that one day, my spath and his attempted murder on me will be just like that. I will remember it as a childish reaction to a childish behavior. No different. I just need to grow up some more. I will rise above that sandbox. That’s exactly what spaths fear we will do. They fear we will refuse to play their game, refuse to want revenge, refuse to become like them, refuse to become their rivals.
Truthfully, it is horrific that spaths kill, poison, destroy. I don’t have the answer yet because I’m not that mature yet. Maybe it’s just a matter of trusting the universe to take care of itself, while we do what we must do to create justice in the world, without taking it personally.
Not revenge served cold, but justice served cold.
thank you Donna for this latest article.
I tell you, when it seems like I could not have anything else happen to me, then something else happens. This is exactly what I needed to hear, as my path is paved with many boulders on the road, I seem to make my way, and coming back to LoveFraud seems to do the trick every time.
I love it, “Living well is the best revenge”!!
Can I ask you a question? My spath is my mother? Do you have any bloggers in this situation?
For me, personally, the whole idea of craving revenge is kind of scary because to me, that would make me like the psychopath. “Getting even” with others for real or perceived ego wounding is the way they think.
On top of that, wanting to make him or her suffer keeps me connected to the spath. I’ve read that hate is not the opposite of love, indifference is the opposite of love; that resonates with me.
To my way of thinking, for myself, its much healthier for me to simply detach, become indifferent to the spath, and go my own way. But then, I’m not in a position where I am married to one, or divorced from one or have children with one. In that way, I am blessed. I also work independently and can walk away from a psycho client if I need to.
Its like, I’ve been there and done that: raised by a parent with spath traits, worked full-time on salary for spath bosses, for decades, so, I’ve already been to hell. My strategy is to recognize early on any spath traits that may be showing up in a new client or new friendship and just say “sayonara” earlier rather than later. I don’t think that just detaching and moving on is revenge, is it?
On the other hand, if someone seriously injured me, say, financially, such as if I loaned someone a good deal of money and they refused to pay me back, or if someone physically assaulted me, or hit me with their car, etc., then I would most certainly take them to court. I guess I never thought of suing someone for damages as a revenge behavior, but, maybe it is. I always just thought of suing someone who has injured you or stolen from you, as getting justice. But maybe that’s revenge as well?
-Babs
To Jeannie812:
I agree with your statement – they get away with it.
However, I hope that my ex will get what he deserves in due time.
He took advantage of me, lying, cheating, and never loved me. He is now with a very rich widow – living in her $1 million dollar house and driving the dead husbands luxury car.
He and the new girlfriend (I feel sorry for her – she will find out one day) hosted a birthday party for his ex wife and her husband!! He is inviting everyone and anyone over to “HIS” house. I asked someone who went – do you think he really loves her or is it just for “look what I now have?” and the answer was not for love.
He told me he would find a rich widow and has no qualms about being supported by her – and he did just that.
Am I angry? No, but evil people like him do not deserve to exist on this earth. But, there is nothing I can do.
If I tried to warn her – I would most likely be arrested or something. I am sure he has told her all lies about me and she would not believe it anyway.
So, until Karma comes around to him….