You’ve finally figured out what is wrong with an individual who has taken advantage of you, abused you, perhaps even assaulted you. Reading Lovefraud, you realize that he or she is a sociopath.
Now, you’re an emotional wreck. You’ve been profoundly betrayed. You’re justifiably angry. Plus, the sociopath has caused you real problems. Perhaps all your money is gone. Or you’re in a vicious child custody battle. You’ve lost your job, your savings or your home. You suffer from anxiety, depression or PTSD. You feel so far down that you don’t even know which direction is up.
You are outraged by the sociopath’s actions. You are further outraged that after this individual bulldozed through your life, he or she seems to be facing absolutely no consequences. The predator has simply moved on to a new target, leaving you in a heap of ashes.
You want your life back. You want to sociopath to be accountable for the destruction he or she caused. And you want to make sure he or she never does this to another human being. But the predator turns on the charm, or plays the victim, or convinces everyone that you are mentally unstable. No one seems to be able to help you. In fact, no one even understands what you’re talking about.
It’s infuriating. If you were honest with yourself, you’d have to admit that you really want revenge.
“Living well is the best revenge”
This proverb was recorded by the English poet George Herbert in 1651. Perhaps whoever originally said it hundreds of years ago knew about sociopaths.
Right now, with your life in tatters, you probably feel like “living well” is an impossible dream. But you can start working towards that goal immediately—and stick it to the sociopath in the process.
The sociopath’s prime objective in life is power and control. If you deny the sociopath power and control over you, you take away what he or she wants most.
The power and control that the sociopath exerts is primarily over your thoughts and emotions. You can break that power and control, and it doesn’t even have to cost you any money. The first step, of course, is No Contact. We talk about No Contact all the time on Lovefraud, but if you need a refresher course on how to do it, read:
It’s true that No Contact is difficult in many cases, such as if you share children with the sociopath, or you work together. In these situations, you need to get to Emotional No Contact. That means you detach emotionally; you do not allow him or her to upset you. There are caveats to this as well, because sociopaths are capable of atrocious behavior that really pushes your buttons. In these cases, you certainly deserve to be upset—just don’t let the sociopath see it.
Remember, they want power and control. If they see that they have triggered you, they know that they still have power and control over you.
The key, therefore, is to focus on healing yourself and improving your life. It will take time. It will require processing the pain, disappointment and anger of the betrayal. But if you decide to recover, you can do it. For more on this, read:
5 steps to recovery from the sociopath (they’re not fast or easy, but the healing is real)
This does not mean that the sociopath should get away with what happened. But if you want to hold the sociopath accountable, you need to do it from a position of strength. Working on your own recovery is the best way to develop the strength.
“Revenge is a dish best served cold”
The source of this statement is also unclear—it was first translated from French to English in 1846, but apparently was already a proverb by then.
It’s not a good idea to consciously go out to seek revenge. (Another proverb attributed to the Chinese philosopher Confucius states, “Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves.”) But as time goes by and you build your inner strength, you may suddenly find yourself faced with an opportunity to hold the sociopath accountable.
The sociopath, of course, will continue a life of destruction. Eventually, he or she may target the wrong person or seriously break the law, and someone may contact you to find out what you know about this disordered individual. Then, in a calm and collected manner, you can describe your experience, provide evidence that proves a pattern of behavior, and contribute to some type of justice—whether it’s getting the individual prosecuted, exposed in the media, or just ruining his or her efforts with yet another potential victim.
Revenge may be possible, but probably not right away. So focus on your first priority, which is healing your own life. Then, be patient. By releasing the pain and upset of your betrayal, you’ll be ready when an opportunity arrives for justice.
To you, justice will be sweet revenge.
Argggg! Try as I might I can’t seem to cleanse myself of spaths at all! Most recent in a class where the instructor was so clearly spath and cruel…why direct to me…what is written all over me that says, “hey, beat me with your cruel words and actions?”
My revenge? I gave her a copy of my book and left the program for a month to try and get some energy back after getting it sucked out of me in her class.
Another point…I have noticed in the blogs some advice given that seems to borderline on mean or unasked for and not helpful…won’t say which ones – no need – but I’m going to ask Donna to open a page for survivors to blog on off-topic issues. For example, this page is about revenge but I wanted to talk about something else…you know?
And, hopefully people in the room can just state their cases without the fear of being shut down for stating them.
Just, speaking up 🙂
Hi Donna,
I agree with you that we should take our lives back and be patient. But, I also agree that if you already have proof and facts as to how cunning and criminalistic the sociopath is, we can make anonymous phone calls to the appropriate agencies. For instance, my sociopath lived off me for years because he could not obtain a job due to his extensive criminal background. Yet, he won a lawsuit and hid the money from me! On top of that, he was and still is receiving food stamps and free medical without having informed the agencies of his over 10,000 in the bank! Why should he continue to get away with this when he has no feelings or remorse as to how he ruins peoples lives? I say if we have evidence, we can at least make an anonymous call. What will the sociopath do about it if he is not sure who even did it for one, and for two, if he did speculate that it was you and tries to bother you, we can call the policie! Why not inform more of this type of revenge? It doesn’t cost any money or much time either. Yet, it gives us some “real” feelings of revenge.
I almost forgot my point…so unfocused today…you cannot be sued for slander if you BELIEVE what you have said in any forum whatsoever. I wrote a book and put a few (deserving) people under the bus; some people worried I may get sued. Can’t happen because what I said in my book was all true – or I firmly believed was true. I would win if my ppaths tried to sue me so I would NOT even get a lawyer. Best wishes on your law suit and hope it all goes your way!
Zachjaz, this is always a touchy issue, I think. The exspath relieved me of a huge sum of money through forgery and coercion, and I have hard documentation of the forgeries.
Having said that, he will face not one consequence for his choices and actions, and this has come from a host of legal counselors.
I don’t know how I would approach your specific situation, seriously. Yeah, an “anyonymous” call might result in some action, but what kind of action? Nobody can predict that. There are people that have been reported for all manners of frauds, and nothing has been done to stop them from continuing.
For me, the “best revenge” is taking the “WIN” away from the exspath, and moving on with my life. I don’t like it – I would love to see him prosecuted by a Federal Court, but it’s just not going to happen, so I choose to entertain fitting punishments in my mind, instead. Even then, I have to force myself to keep it brief because every moment that I spend is a moment that I need to recover my life and myself. And, I can’t give myself what I need if I’m giving it to the exspath, instead.
Brightest blessings
oh my – the only known prevention for borderline personality disorder would be to ensure a safe and nurturing inviroment during childhood. hmm go figure… Persons with BPD have a history of unstable interpersonal relationships and self image..Hmm that seems to fit…maybe I am BPD, I need to explore this…
So I guess I gave my opinion when it wasnt asked for, for this i do apologize…this isnt the first time I have been called less than kind.
Hens, I remember you saying, when I was exploring MY borderline tendancies, “well, I’m probably borderline something, too. (((Hens))) I think there are a lot of undiagnosed BPD’s here….shuuuushhhhh. That’s just between us. 🙂
The point is we are willing to explore the possibility and be accountable, and that’s a good thing.
The big-book says, “One thing dogs us at our every step, and that is, contempt, prior to investigation”. At least, we are willing to investigate.
HENS……..HUGS and hugs……..I think that Kim Frederick struck that nail on the proverbial head. If we are willing – literally willing – to explore our own choices and actions, it’s a very, very good thing. We’re not in the land of Denial and Pretense. We see what is, and we make a choice to explore WHY it is.
And, your opinion always valid, Hens. for criminy sake!
Brightest blessings
Hens ~
For the record, I appreciate any and all of your comments, on any subject, at any time. You are one of the reasons I visit LF.
I will now give you my “unasked for” and probably “not helpful” opinion – If you were Borderline your posted comments would be OH MY, OH DEAR, and your weiners would be running for cover from the uncontrolable rage. IMHO…….
Sorry, I got off topic.
Hey, Milo, Kim, Truthy…
I have another neurosis, I seek attention ~! Happy Birthday to me …oh my.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY – HENS – AND MANY MORE !!