You’ve finally figured out what is wrong with an individual who has taken advantage of you, abused you, perhaps even assaulted you. Reading Lovefraud, you realize that he or she is a sociopath.
Now, you’re an emotional wreck. You’ve been profoundly betrayed. You’re justifiably angry. Plus, the sociopath has caused you real problems. Perhaps all your money is gone. Or you’re in a vicious child custody battle. You’ve lost your job, your savings or your home. You suffer from anxiety, depression or PTSD. You feel so far down that you don’t even know which direction is up.
You are outraged by the sociopath’s actions. You are further outraged that after this individual bulldozed through your life, he or she seems to be facing absolutely no consequences. The predator has simply moved on to a new target, leaving you in a heap of ashes.
You want your life back. You want to sociopath to be accountable for the destruction he or she caused. And you want to make sure he or she never does this to another human being. But the predator turns on the charm, or plays the victim, or convinces everyone that you are mentally unstable. No one seems to be able to help you. In fact, no one even understands what you’re talking about.
It’s infuriating. If you were honest with yourself, you’d have to admit that you really want revenge.
“Living well is the best revenge”
This proverb was recorded by the English poet George Herbert in 1651. Perhaps whoever originally said it hundreds of years ago knew about sociopaths.
Right now, with your life in tatters, you probably feel like “living well” is an impossible dream. But you can start working towards that goal immediately—and stick it to the sociopath in the process.
The sociopath’s prime objective in life is power and control. If you deny the sociopath power and control over you, you take away what he or she wants most.
The power and control that the sociopath exerts is primarily over your thoughts and emotions. You can break that power and control, and it doesn’t even have to cost you any money. The first step, of course, is No Contact. We talk about No Contact all the time on Lovefraud, but if you need a refresher course on how to do it, read:
It’s true that No Contact is difficult in many cases, such as if you share children with the sociopath, or you work together. In these situations, you need to get to Emotional No Contact. That means you detach emotionally; you do not allow him or her to upset you. There are caveats to this as well, because sociopaths are capable of atrocious behavior that really pushes your buttons. In these cases, you certainly deserve to be upset—just don’t let the sociopath see it.
Remember, they want power and control. If they see that they have triggered you, they know that they still have power and control over you.
The key, therefore, is to focus on healing yourself and improving your life. It will take time. It will require processing the pain, disappointment and anger of the betrayal. But if you decide to recover, you can do it. For more on this, read:
5 steps to recovery from the sociopath (they’re not fast or easy, but the healing is real)
This does not mean that the sociopath should get away with what happened. But if you want to hold the sociopath accountable, you need to do it from a position of strength. Working on your own recovery is the best way to develop the strength.
“Revenge is a dish best served cold”
The source of this statement is also unclear—it was first translated from French to English in 1846, but apparently was already a proverb by then.
It’s not a good idea to consciously go out to seek revenge. (Another proverb attributed to the Chinese philosopher Confucius states, “Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves.”) But as time goes by and you build your inner strength, you may suddenly find yourself faced with an opportunity to hold the sociopath accountable.
The sociopath, of course, will continue a life of destruction. Eventually, he or she may target the wrong person or seriously break the law, and someone may contact you to find out what you know about this disordered individual. Then, in a calm and collected manner, you can describe your experience, provide evidence that proves a pattern of behavior, and contribute to some type of justice—whether it’s getting the individual prosecuted, exposed in the media, or just ruining his or her efforts with yet another potential victim.
Revenge may be possible, but probably not right away. So focus on your first priority, which is healing your own life. Then, be patient. By releasing the pain and upset of your betrayal, you’ll be ready when an opportunity arrives for justice.
To you, justice will be sweet revenge.
Hens, may you have a happy and very, very blessed birthday, today. And, I thoroughly agree with MiLo about the borderline issue.
Birthday hugs!
I think the point here is firming up.
revenge,, hmm. if this were a NORMAL person with conscience, well revenge would look more plausible. but it still wouldnt change anything. and….. since this is NOT a normal person,, it only makes any attempt at revenge pure fuel for their fire. they will see it as having value for them. it MEANS to them that YOU still care. it means to them that you are still thinking of them. it means they still have a hook in you and can still pull on the string. it means any attempt will either cause drama, (if you are successful at pissing them off) or they will simply shrug it off and be filled with that sick giddy joy they have when they know they still matter.
in short, it will give them power. learn to recognize that they are NOTHING without YOU. learn that EVERYTHING you percieved about your time with them that you saw as good was YOU. think about it. the mirroring. when you finally get your heads firmly wrapped around this experience, you will understand that when you looked at this person and felt what you felt, it was because you were looking at YOU. and YES,, yes ,, yes!,, You are the amazing person here!
the amazing romance was YOU!
the amazing dialog was YOU!
and yes!,, the amazing imtimacy,,, YOU!
I know its easy for me to see. and say,,
Leave these conscience devoid miscreants of society ALONE where they belong. waste none of your preciouse time feeding their whimpering speck of an ego anymore.
work on understanding these things and nurture yourselves till you become comfortable experiencing how strong and beautifull you really are.
revenge is an inevitable consideration for us. but it is a waste of time and a high risk. and WE and our time are too valuable to waste or risk on futility.
sincerely
rgc
How lucky to drop in here on the auspicious day of HENS’ BIRTHDAY! Happy Birthday, Hens!!!!!!! I hope you are doing something really nice for yourself today!
On the subject of BPD, I finally stopped referring to myself as this a few months ago. I had a therapist for a while who was very astute, and he told me he didn’t think I was a BPD at all. He thought I was more of an avoidant personality with fears of rejection. This does seem to fit. So it’s no wonder that taking all these salsa classes and meeting all these people (and hot guys) is putting me into so much anxiety along with the excitement. I have a feeling the guy I like from class likes me too. But he hasn’t asked me out yet. The anxiety over this is a little disconcerting. I am very clear that I am not going to push with this one. I have all the time in the world to lure and seduce. 🙂 I will wait patiently. I know he will come to my birthday party in October if nothing else. We have a really beautiful heart connection, and I feel it stir something deep down, too. And then there is the physical connection from dancing. But he’s a real gentlemen – no sleazy vibes, no lovebombing. Just a feeling I have that there is something special between us. I’m biding my time by keeping myself open to dating other men. I’m not gonna ask him out, and I’m not gonna chase him. I really need for the man to come to me. That way I know he is interested. But I got my orange belt in salsa last night. (Completed second month and passed test). 🙂 This salsa thing has just taken over my life. I really really love it. And the best part? MORE MEN THAN WOMEN in the classes. There is NO other hobby I’ve ever found that has this.
Good For You Star. I am so glad you have found something that you enjoy so much and is such a healthy activity.
IMO, this really fits within this topic “revenge”. This is absolutely the best revenge that there is in life. Finding something to move onto, something that brings you joy and happieness. Showing the spaths that they have NOT won, they have NOT destroyed you.
Thanks for sharing your passion with us Star.
Milo, I didn’t make the connection about revenge because I never even think of the spath anymore nor care what he would think about my life. But since you mentioned it, I blog about zumba and salsa and all the fun I’m having on my reptile site. This is where I met the spath, and it wouldn’t surprise me if he still reads it from prison or wherever he is. I suppose it would seem like a form of revenge if I even cared.
My next order of business is to really work on some of my self-esteem issues that would get in the way of me having a really good man in my life because I think I have found that really good man. I want to feel like I can step up to the plate myself and receive the love I feel from him. And if it’s not him, then with someone equally as good. Wow – what a revelation – that there are good men out there. Funny, I probably never would have noticed this one back in the days when I was chasing players.
And strangely, I’m craving deep fried pecan pie on a stick all of a sudden……..what’s up with that, Milo?
The other cool thing about salsa is that people are not getting drunk at the clubs. We all usually just drink water there. We get high on dancing – no alcohol even needed.
Rgc, very insightful response, seriously. It’s all about the mirroring and supporting the illusion. And, you’re are 100% spot-on when THEY still have control when WE give them any type of recognition, even if it’s negative! The exspath has no more importance to me than a fly poo on the windshield…..he’s just as biodegradable as the fly poo and probably far more toxic to a landfill.
Stargazer, I love Latin dancing of all sorts. Salsa is very, very sinuous and sultry, and to be able to get into that on a strictly “It’s All About Me” basis is a tremendous testimony to your personal healing.
Brightest blessings
Star ~ Just a few more days until the county fair, all the fried anything and everything on a stick that you can eat. I think I shall starve myself until then so I can really pig out. I will start with swiss cheese on a stick (local favorite) then probably end the evening with the pecan pie.
Sign me up for the dance classes, I think I will need them after all that fried food. lol
((happy birthday Hens!))
rgc,
yep, you nailed it. Spaths can twist and turn anything around, so revenge is just fuel for them. Even going to prison just proves how important they are. The one thing they can’t stand: to be ignored. (also, to have their masks ripped off, but that’s another topic)
Like Sam Vaknin said, “narcissists don’t have enemies OR friends, they just have supply.”
Milo, I have been on the paleo diet for so long that if I ever actually ate that fried pecan pie, I would probably get very sick. LOL But it doesn’t stop me from craving it. 🙂 Have some for me at the fair, please. Because it is unlikely that I will ever be able to enjoy these things again. 🙁