You’ve finally figured out what is wrong with an individual who has taken advantage of you, abused you, perhaps even assaulted you. Reading Lovefraud, you realize that he or she is a sociopath.
Now, you’re an emotional wreck. You’ve been profoundly betrayed. You’re justifiably angry. Plus, the sociopath has caused you real problems. Perhaps all your money is gone. Or you’re in a vicious child custody battle. You’ve lost your job, your savings or your home. You suffer from anxiety, depression or PTSD. You feel so far down that you don’t even know which direction is up.
You are outraged by the sociopath’s actions. You are further outraged that after this individual bulldozed through your life, he or she seems to be facing absolutely no consequences. The predator has simply moved on to a new target, leaving you in a heap of ashes.
You want your life back. You want to sociopath to be accountable for the destruction he or she caused. And you want to make sure he or she never does this to another human being. But the predator turns on the charm, or plays the victim, or convinces everyone that you are mentally unstable. No one seems to be able to help you. In fact, no one even understands what you’re talking about.
It’s infuriating. If you were honest with yourself, you’d have to admit that you really want revenge.
“Living well is the best revenge”
This proverb was recorded by the English poet George Herbert in 1651. Perhaps whoever originally said it hundreds of years ago knew about sociopaths.
Right now, with your life in tatters, you probably feel like “living well” is an impossible dream. But you can start working towards that goal immediately—and stick it to the sociopath in the process.
The sociopath’s prime objective in life is power and control. If you deny the sociopath power and control over you, you take away what he or she wants most.
The power and control that the sociopath exerts is primarily over your thoughts and emotions. You can break that power and control, and it doesn’t even have to cost you any money. The first step, of course, is No Contact. We talk about No Contact all the time on Lovefraud, but if you need a refresher course on how to do it, read:
It’s true that No Contact is difficult in many cases, such as if you share children with the sociopath, or you work together. In these situations, you need to get to Emotional No Contact. That means you detach emotionally; you do not allow him or her to upset you. There are caveats to this as well, because sociopaths are capable of atrocious behavior that really pushes your buttons. In these cases, you certainly deserve to be upset—just don’t let the sociopath see it.
Remember, they want power and control. If they see that they have triggered you, they know that they still have power and control over you.
The key, therefore, is to focus on healing yourself and improving your life. It will take time. It will require processing the pain, disappointment and anger of the betrayal. But if you decide to recover, you can do it. For more on this, read:
5 steps to recovery from the sociopath (they’re not fast or easy, but the healing is real)
This does not mean that the sociopath should get away with what happened. But if you want to hold the sociopath accountable, you need to do it from a position of strength. Working on your own recovery is the best way to develop the strength.
“Revenge is a dish best served cold”
The source of this statement is also unclear—it was first translated from French to English in 1846, but apparently was already a proverb by then.
It’s not a good idea to consciously go out to seek revenge. (Another proverb attributed to the Chinese philosopher Confucius states, “Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves.”) But as time goes by and you build your inner strength, you may suddenly find yourself faced with an opportunity to hold the sociopath accountable.
The sociopath, of course, will continue a life of destruction. Eventually, he or she may target the wrong person or seriously break the law, and someone may contact you to find out what you know about this disordered individual. Then, in a calm and collected manner, you can describe your experience, provide evidence that proves a pattern of behavior, and contribute to some type of justice—whether it’s getting the individual prosecuted, exposed in the media, or just ruining his or her efforts with yet another potential victim.
Revenge may be possible, but probably not right away. So focus on your first priority, which is healing your own life. Then, be patient. By releasing the pain and upset of your betrayal, you’ll be ready when an opportunity arrives for justice.
To you, justice will be sweet revenge.
By nature, I am not a vengeful person. In fact, if not for Lovefraud, I would be vulnerable to the x-spath if he ever re-enters my life. Given the experiences of many here, this is almost certain to happen.
Having said that, my “revenge” against the x-spath is that I am not in contact with him, either as a romantic partner nor a friend.
One of his online profiles says he is “looking for somebody good for me.” He had that. Somebody who was willing to not only accept him for who he is, but was savvy enough to understand his issues and insecurities and help him with them.
One was about his appearance. For whatever reasons, he went rapidly from looking very young to very much looking his age. As a gay man, nothing is more depressing. I saw that and figured that if I could get him to better take care of himself, he would be alright. Not a “boy” anymore, but still an attractive 40 year old gay man.
But my x-spath’s self image is too wrapped up in being a boy. That he has wrinkles and crows feet kills him. That they are getting worse kills him even more.
BBE – In the so called gay world you are invisible after the age 40. Nobody notices my crows feet, they stop at the white hair. I read in so many online profiles of gay men that are looking for or describe themselves as “straight acting” now how f–kd up is that? Whats wrong with being a masculine gay man? Talk about a dysfunctional, youth obsessed culture.
They will all get old if they are lucky.
Hens;
Thus, my ultimate revenge, if that is what you want to call it. I looked past the wrinkles and crows feet…
Happy Birthday, Hens. You white haired stud muffin, you.
Kim. LOL thanks and thank everybody for the birthday wishes today, this was my fourth birthday on LF… I had a wondermous birthday dinner with my kid’s, I even won a basketball game with the grandsons..I am taking my crow’s to bed goodnite..
Crows and weiners make strange bedfellows, Hens….Gnight.
Well, this is the problem why spaths continue to be spaths. We don’t do anything about it, but go on with our lives! Mayabe if we started making calls on them to authorities aabout all their crimes committed that “you” know about. Why would you continue to allow him to get away with all you may know; after he has done you so bad? If all it takes is a few minutes in a phone call to expose the spath and “then” move on with our lives, then I believe this would help us to get along with our life better. For one, our actions in exposing them could possibly save many others from their wrath and further they may feel enough pain one time from their exposure that they will “want” to get help to change.
To add to that; at a minimum, we would have most likely embarassed the spath and/or gotten him fired and/or arrested! Now, that’s real revenge! Come on! Are we still abused to keep making excuses as to why we should not get more efficient and deserving revenge on the spath?
zach,
you have to know how to think like a spath before you do that.
I went to the FBI and they told me, that I sounded crazy.
I guess I did.
You’d think that the FBI would have profilers that know how to spot a spath and know how a spath victim will sound crazy, right? Nope. WE KNOW MORE ABOUT SPATHS THAN THEY DO. But they have the power.
Furthermore, spaths assume that you will go to the police. Mine does. So before he ever tries to con you — 20 years before — he gets real friendly with the cops. It’s the long con. He knows that if the cops are embroiled, they will cover their asses. That’s exactly what sandusky did. The only difference was that the authorities sandusky used were Paterno and his minions.
Don’t think of this as losing. Think of it as not playing their game. When nobody plays, the spath gets all pouty and sad cuz it’s no fun.
Yes, sometimes you can play the game and make them pay the price, but it’s absolutely vital that they never knew it was you. Why? Because, if they know it was you, then they will get the satisfaction of knowing you played and that you are filled with vengeance, just like they are. Don’t give them that. When you get justice, do it quietly and anonymously. When that happens, they will just believe that they are the loser worms that they really are.
Edit: BTW Zach, a spath cannot be embarrassed. Although they are filled with shame, they don’t feel it. It gets turned into narcissism instantly. Instead of shame, they feel pride for being evil. It’s the 180 rule.
Skylar,
That is very important, what you just said: “WE KNOW MORE ABOUT SPATHS THAN THEY DO.” So true. That is a big part of the problem.
And I find it funny that I read “People of the Lie” many years ago, for some reason (probably because I’d read The Road Less Travelled and liked it, and wanted to read the guy’s next book, but it was certainly different). Anyway, my point is that I read this book before I’d had my spath encounter(s), and I DIDN’T GET IT. I intellectually got what he was saying, sort of, but it just seemed off the wall and that maybe he was digging a little TOO deep, if you know what I mean.
I still fundamentally believed that there was no such thing as human Evil and I didn’t get why he was so bent on trying to convince me otherwise.
So I think, you need to have up close and personal experience with it and wake up to it, to get it. You need to have those sickening, dawning realizations based on having lived it.
It is weird how it can be staring you in the face for years, and you don’t see it for what it is. And one day you finally do see it differently, and you just can never go back to the way you saw it before.
So I’m not sure how spath awareness education could really work to wake people up. I somehow had “known” all that stuff before, but I didn’t think it applied to ME.
The actual experience of it was very different from what I’d thought it might be. It was subtle and the attachment bonds are invisible. It happens under your radar. You doubt yourself. Then you blame yourself. Then you (if you are not careful) become like them (prodded into nasty behavior, sometimes, because of the pain you are in or confusion you feel, due to the mix of lies with truth and the continual jerking around). This leads to immobility.
As for revenge, I no longer want revenge against my ex-husband because a lot of what I thought he had taken from me, I realize either was nothing important, or the truly important things, he cannot take. And the other things were just distractions, covering up the important things. Maybe I should (in a way) thank him for helping to remove the distractions (life’s material trappings and other types of social distractions, petty stuff). I am left with ME. And the deep knowledge that no one can ever take THAT.
However, the CPS attack on me (a drawn-out, abusive, traumatic and lying, spath-agenda CPS investigation of me though I did not lose my children over it, they have a “file” full of lies on me and that is a threat hanging over my head until my youngest children are 20 years old! They do not “expunge” for 5 years, even though…. my kids will be legal adults 2 years before that point. Bureaucratic rules.), is still very fresh and i still do, at times, have revenge thoughts. Which I won’t act on. I know I am completely powerless to effect any change in that system. I vaguely toy with waiting until my kids are grown and then making some kind of statement — but to whom? I am fully convinced that no one will listen and they will think I’m nuts and making “a big deal out of nothing.”
Those are the feelings (powerlessness) that make me angry. But I have faith that, over time, I will find answers that bring me peace. If not justice.