You’ve finally figured out what is wrong with an individual who has taken advantage of you, abused you, perhaps even assaulted you. Reading Lovefraud, you realize that he or she is a sociopath.
Now, you’re an emotional wreck. You’ve been profoundly betrayed. You’re justifiably angry. Plus, the sociopath has caused you real problems. Perhaps all your money is gone. Or you’re in a vicious child custody battle. You’ve lost your job, your savings or your home. You suffer from anxiety, depression or PTSD. You feel so far down that you don’t even know which direction is up.
You are outraged by the sociopath’s actions. You are further outraged that after this individual bulldozed through your life, he or she seems to be facing absolutely no consequences. The predator has simply moved on to a new target, leaving you in a heap of ashes.
You want your life back. You want to sociopath to be accountable for the destruction he or she caused. And you want to make sure he or she never does this to another human being. But the predator turns on the charm, or plays the victim, or convinces everyone that you are mentally unstable. No one seems to be able to help you. In fact, no one even understands what you’re talking about.
It’s infuriating. If you were honest with yourself, you’d have to admit that you really want revenge.
“Living well is the best revenge”
This proverb was recorded by the English poet George Herbert in 1651. Perhaps whoever originally said it hundreds of years ago knew about sociopaths.
Right now, with your life in tatters, you probably feel like “living well” is an impossible dream. But you can start working towards that goal immediately—and stick it to the sociopath in the process.
The sociopath’s prime objective in life is power and control. If you deny the sociopath power and control over you, you take away what he or she wants most.
The power and control that the sociopath exerts is primarily over your thoughts and emotions. You can break that power and control, and it doesn’t even have to cost you any money. The first step, of course, is No Contact. We talk about No Contact all the time on Lovefraud, but if you need a refresher course on how to do it, read:
It’s true that No Contact is difficult in many cases, such as if you share children with the sociopath, or you work together. In these situations, you need to get to Emotional No Contact. That means you detach emotionally; you do not allow him or her to upset you. There are caveats to this as well, because sociopaths are capable of atrocious behavior that really pushes your buttons. In these cases, you certainly deserve to be upset—just don’t let the sociopath see it.
Remember, they want power and control. If they see that they have triggered you, they know that they still have power and control over you.
The key, therefore, is to focus on healing yourself and improving your life. It will take time. It will require processing the pain, disappointment and anger of the betrayal. But if you decide to recover, you can do it. For more on this, read:
5 steps to recovery from the sociopath (they’re not fast or easy, but the healing is real)
This does not mean that the sociopath should get away with what happened. But if you want to hold the sociopath accountable, you need to do it from a position of strength. Working on your own recovery is the best way to develop the strength.
“Revenge is a dish best served cold”
The source of this statement is also unclear—it was first translated from French to English in 1846, but apparently was already a proverb by then.
It’s not a good idea to consciously go out to seek revenge. (Another proverb attributed to the Chinese philosopher Confucius states, “Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves.”) But as time goes by and you build your inner strength, you may suddenly find yourself faced with an opportunity to hold the sociopath accountable.
The sociopath, of course, will continue a life of destruction. Eventually, he or she may target the wrong person or seriously break the law, and someone may contact you to find out what you know about this disordered individual. Then, in a calm and collected manner, you can describe your experience, provide evidence that proves a pattern of behavior, and contribute to some type of justice—whether it’s getting the individual prosecuted, exposed in the media, or just ruining his or her efforts with yet another potential victim.
Revenge may be possible, but probably not right away. So focus on your first priority, which is healing your own life. Then, be patient. By releasing the pain and upset of your betrayal, you’ll be ready when an opportunity arrives for justice.
To you, justice will be sweet revenge.
Zachjaz, it is a very “normal” part of the healing process to want revenge, at any cost. It is a “feeling” and typically not a successful reality.
Even the psychiatric/psychological communities that lay down the parameters of this condition are unable to provide a proper assessment. A spath can be Court-ordered into a psychiatric evaluation and walk away looking like a messiah.
I know, from extensive discussion with a host of various attorneys, that the exspath will never, ever face a single consequence for his deliberate choices and actions. This is a fact. It is not a “feeling.” I also know many, many people In Real Life that were horribly duped and abused by spaths that also lost everything and the spaths skipped away with a “clean” reputation. This is a fact. It’s not a “feeling.”
What we “feel” is valid. We feel betrayed, robbed, abused, deceived, manipulated, used, discarded, abandoned, and thoroughly damaged. These “feelings” are real and visceral. But, what “is” very, very rarely crosses paths with what “should be.”
So, in lieu of “outing” the exspath, I play mental visuals of the “justice” that he “should” experience. He “should” face Federal Prison, but he won’t. And, that’s just that.
I have a choice: focus on what “should” be, or rebuild my life around me. I’m choosing the latter, because it’s going to take every ounce of energy, courage, and resolve to “WIN” by emerging a better human being – something that the exspath will never have the option to choose.
Brightest blessings
Truthspeak;
I second your comments. My x-spath leads a double life that few of his friends know about: using his job as a flight attendant, along with the Internet, for emotional and sexual predation. To them he is merely a nice guy who is unlucky at love.
That he is most likely HIV+ adds a chilling facet to his vampire existence.
BBE [ That he is most likely hiv+ ] so is he or isnt he? Are you just guessing? I thought you knew he was for a fact?
zachjaz,
I think it’s important to stand up for what is right and to tell the spath and others that he’s wrong, and we must protect ourselves and our children.
As for the saving of the world from spaths: the only right way in my opinion is the way where we do not compromise our own healing. When we are not healed yet we will try to get justice in a manner that rarely works. We are too emotional, too frazzled and not having healthy boundaries yet then. We can become an incredibly strong oak as we heal more and more, but we are but a sappling in the early stages. The sad irony is that when we most feel we need justice and revenge is the time when we are least capable of getting it, and when we are fully capable, we are detached already.
There will come a time though that the spath hangs himself, most likely when he feels the biggest victor around. And if you are lucky you end up learning about it through some channel, have the evidence and be able to be the anonymous (to him) tip off
I am not looking for an opportunity to backspath the ex-spath, doesn’t even occupy my mind. But if one day I have the chance and get it handed on a platter, I will kick the pebble that causes an avalanche. Or perhaps somebody else will get it handed on a platter, while I get the opportunity on a platter on a spath who harmed someone else.
Spaths are cunning, and they plan long cons, but they also overestimate themselves and think they are invincible and love to take bigger chances more and more. They also always make mistakes, big mistakes. But there is no way of knowing when that will be. And you can’t put your healing nor your life on hold waiting for that moment.
Thank you all for your “so right” comments. I might add though, that even if we believe we are wasting our time to get the spath embarassed or arrested, we can still try. To me, this would help me heal further. For instance, I already got him fired from one job where he was a supervisor; thinking that he was high and mighty. Once his supervisor saw the black and white proof of his extensive criminal background, they did not want him working around vulnerable women and their children. Further, he was banned from my granddaughter’s school, because he was caught stealing from a supermarket, and my granddaughter’s teacher was there. Once she reported this to the principal at my granddaughter’s school, they said that he could not pick her up from school anymore or they would report her mother to Children’s and Family. The list goes on as to hard facts and proof I have (in legal documentation and offical witnesses) in order to easily ( without stopping my healing nor keeping my no contact) continue to inform his new places and friends about his non-disputable past. At a minimum, even if it doesn’t embarass the spath, it will allow the people that he was trying to fool, know more about him to be careful of his sweet and cunning cons. Wouldn’t you say?
zachjaz,
No contact is more than just not seeing and not talking to him. It ultimately also means putting him out of your mind and not directing your life in function of him.
The further you extend the no contact on all levels (physical, emotional and mental), the more you heal. I have noticed that with each no contact extension I was able to function better and better, got even deeper insights about myself (rather than him).
Healing doesn’t depend on the spath at all, just yourself. But when you focus on what he’s up to, then that’s time and energy not spent on boundaries, not on insights about yourself and your life beyond the encounter, not on rebuilding your own life.
But if you happen to meet someone who just happen to be an employer of him then it just came to you while you were busy living your own life. 🙂
Zachjaz, there’s a huge difference between “justice” and “revenge.” Justice is that odd and often-elusive event where the spath is held accountable by someone other than myself for his/her own actions. Revenge, on the other hand, is an expenditure of energy to do everything that I can to see that the exspath’s life is as miserable as he/she made mine. The two don’t jibe. One is the result (albiet, infrequent result) of the spath’s own actions. The other is the result of MY actions.
When I spend more time doing investigations, making phone calls, and spying on what the exspath might (or, might not) be doing, he is occupying space in my thoughts. He is occupying my mind.
Darwinsmom is spot-on that healing has nothing to do with the spath, at all. Recovering and healing isn’t all about getting even or paying him/her back for what they did, or even contacting authorities to alert them to his/her misdeeds. Whether you choose to believe this truth or not, the spath only seems to walk away without any consequences. The truth is that their lives are as hollow as an empty walnut shell, and that they do not function in the same manner that empaths do. When they are faced with legal prosecution or consequences because of their own actions, THEY DON’T CARE (caps are not to be interpreted as online shouting – only emphasis). They don’t care. They don’t care. And, they don’t care because they have no sense of remorse, pity, or conscience.
If the exspath did something to get himself fired from his job, then it would only be through his own actions and by no means that I attempted to employ. I truly (and, quite literally) believe that revenge (for me) is a series of actions born of malice and hatred – righteously felt, absolutely – but, malice and hatred, nevertheless. Both of those emotions are normal, but can develop into a wholly toxic and unhealthy obsession, and I am too important to devote my precious energies into feeding either of those monkeys.
If what you’re doing makes you feel like you’ve won, then have at it, Zachjaz. Personally, I choose to take a path that leads me away from the exspath rather than alongside him.
Brightest blessings
And, no….I wouldn’t say that it’s a healthy endeavor to allow the exspath to occupy a nanometer inside my head. For me, personally, such energies are better spent on learning why I was such an attractive target, laying down strong boundaries, and heaingl myself. For me, it’s not anything close to a healing energy to exact my revenge on the exspath, even if I firmly believes that he has earned it.
Hens;
He never mentioned HIV to me. Even when I was upfront and honest about my own HIV scare (thankfully not) he never talked about my situation, gave me encouragement or asked about test results. He did dump me the next day, however…
It was when I came across he online trail that it all added up. On a dating site that makes you answer various “matching questions,” one of his was “would you date somebody with a sexually transmitted disease.”
At the same time, under the same name, he had an X-tube profile that had as his “favorites” various bareback porn videos.
From this, two things struck me: 1) He was not the “reserved and sorted” person he told me he was; 2) that he is HIV+.
There are other odd things that in retrospect fit that conclusion, even going back to the first night we met.
In fact, if I could replay that night, I would be direct and ask him. Thankfully, I did learn from this experience to be much more upfront about asking HIV status.
Earlier this year, I met another Flight Attendant whose demeanor and appearance was very similar to the x-spath. Once this guy started acting flaky, I was direct and asked him. Turns out he was HIV+.
I have no issue with dating somebody HIV+; in fact, I have do so. I do have issues this those who are not upfront and honest about it.
BBE.. Thanks for answering my question. you dont know.