Editor’s note: The following article refers to spiritual concepts. Please read Lovefraud’s statement on Spiritual Recovery.
Last week, I posted correspondence from Arlene, who, after 23 years of marriage, was discarded by her husband and has lost her connections to her children. Arlene said she was so devastated that she just wanted her life to end.
Several Lovefraud readers posted comments of understanding and encouragement for Arlene. Another reader sent an e-mail, describing the steps she took to recover after she had been similarly dumped by her husband. I thought her suggestions were so helpful that I asked permission to post the e-mail, which she graciously granted.
Advice from a reader
Here it is:
Arlene…. I was where you are when I was 40. My husband who I loved and adored and truly admired, left me without warning after 12 years of marriage for another woman. All I had ever heard from anyone was what a wonderful wife I was, what a great mother I was (not only to our children, but to his two daughters). I was devastated, depressed, anxious, scared, fearful of anything and everything, and could barely function. I will not recite all the cruel things he did and said (but he did tell me “you will just have to get over it,” which is still unbelievable to me), but I will share with you how I got well.
FIRST, I went to counseling and made sure the therapist knew about the pathology involved with being a spouse of one of these evil creatures. Even when it seemed to do little good, I kept going and going and eventually, it did help. I sought the help of my doctor, took antidepressants for six months and stayed on Xanax for about a year for the anxiety. The medications were a bridge to emotional healing and stability.
Next, I volunteered wherever and whenever I was needed. I know that may sound impossible to do (and believe me I did NOT want to do it), but the more I volunteered, the more I forgot about my own issues and I slowly developed a grateful heart for what I DID still have. I worked at church, in my neighborhood, as a pro bono attorney, at my children’s schools and a domestic abuse hotline. I still now do all that volunteer work and would not stop for anything.
I counseled with my priest. I was taught how to forgive (and yes, it is a VERY long process and I am still working on it) and finally understood that in forgiving HIM, I was healing ME. I prayed and prayed and prayed. I asked God to bring me peace and to let me know how much he loved me and he did.
Let me also say…. I did some stupid things early on…I drank too much alcohol (I was self medicating and was depressed and did not KNOW I was depressed as I never had been before). I dated too early as I was so lonely, I DENIED that I was hurt and I did not let myself “feel.” When I did finally “feel,” I wanted to die too. I asked God at night to just not let me wake in the morning. He had other things in store for me. Beautiful things.
I promise you, there is going to be a wonderful life for you after the devastation this man caused. You are NOT the problem, he WAS. WAS is the key word here. Take a class, get a job doing ANYTHING if you don’t work already…. do yoga (that helped me too!) and stay active. Look in the mirror and tell yourself you LOVE YOU, you are perfect the way you are (and you are, I assure you) and that you ARE LOVED and that you are worthy of love.
I survived and you will too. My very best, stay sweet, stay loving and start with little steps towards the best life you are going to ever have experienced!
What works for you?
We all have our own paths towards healing. Mine involved a good therapist and allowing myself to feel the pain. By feeling it, I was eventually free of it. I was also in contact with at least one of the other women that my ex-husband scammed, and eventually more of them. It was helpful to know that I was not alone.
Have you recovered from a run-in with a sociopath? Or are you on the road to recovery? Please post a comment describing what helps your healing.
Those of us who have been there are the “wounded healers.” Our experience can aid those who are just beginning the recovery process.
Thanks for sharing your advice for recovery. I found it to be food for the soul as I read through it. I too pray continuously for both myself and my recovery, and for her, my sociopath. As with most here, the forgiving is by far the hardest part of this recovery. Just when I begin to think I have forgiven both her and myself, there will be a trigger of some sort, and I find myself once again angry over the loss of myself and the loss of what should have been and what could have been had she been healthy. I do realize that God did in fact place her into my life for many reasons, one of which was to make me stronger, and wiser. I truly feel that after losing a wife to cancer, and going through a relationship with a sociopath, I know that I can just about handle anything that comes my way. This past year has been quite a eye opening experience, and I can honestly say that it has been a year of deep hurt and disappointment, and in many ways it has been of a greater pain then losing my wife to death, but on the flip side of the coin, it has been one of the most wonderful years of my life. In my pain, I ran into the arms of Christ and became a Christian. This is one of the reasons He allowed the sociopath to enter in my life. I also became very much more aware of old patterns of behavior concerning my expectations in relationships both with friends and romantic. I can spot a disturbed person so much more easily now, and my tolerance to unacceptable behavior is extremely low. After months of battling low self esteem due to the fact that a disturbed woman dumped ME.. ha.. I have come back into my own, and once again know and feel and see the wonderful gifts that I always did possess, and believe them to be my own, and never will simply “give” them away to someone who does not cherish them and me. I have met many new friends through my church, and with community volunteer programs which I have attended. Yes, I agree that in giving my time to those in need, shifted my focus off of me and my pain, and it allowed me to channel my pain into something positive. In fact, I have no room for negative people or negative situations in my life again. I have stripped my sociopath of her power over me and over my emotions, and look at her with a sort of sympathy, (although it’s more of a sadness for her) as she will never know the joys of love, giving, and sharing and doing into others as one would do unto themselves. Just like with my wife’s death, I am trying to grow from this ordeal, and I am. Part of that growth is realizing that I cannot “better” the past. It still is one day at a time, but I had a small victory not long ago… I went a full day without a single thought of her in my mind… That my friends, was totally amazing, and shows me that I am on my way….. Now… there are those days… when it hurts all over again,,, when I find myself wanting her back, longing for the illusion of what was.. when I hear her voice in my head saying the wonderful, and the horrible… so, I’m not out of the woods yet, but I know that I will eventually get there. When I lost my wife four years ago, I wrote about it, and it was the first of many journals that I began to write. I have continued to write since then, and of course during my time with the sociopath. I have found it to be of great help to write my thoughts and feelings down.. to get it out.. it helped me so I didn’t have to carry it with me so much. One thing that sticks with me about my writing is something I wrote when my wife died concerning grief. I wrote that it’s different for everybody, and that it’s hard work to overcome, and that you can’t rush it. Those things hold water for us.. the wounded…. of a life shared with a sociopath. But, I also wrote that I had been given a second chance at life, and had been given a new life…. that too, holds water for us as well. It has helped me when I think about my sociopath and my life with her, both the wonderful, and the horrible…… My thought is…. that was my old life… this is my new life… a second chance, or in my case my third chance.. geez.. I better get it right this time, not sure if I will be blessed with number four… thanks to all who write here and contribute to this blog. I check it everyday, and it has helped me so very much to read the words of others who have experienced this kind of pain in their lives. For many of us, our life with a disturbed partner has left a huge whole in our lives that just doesn’t make sense, even though we know the reasons now. But for all of us, life WILL go on… we will live and love and have sorrow and pain, as well as great joy and most importantly… promise.
~Rick~
Southernman 429
Thank you for your advice…it seemed like mine…like you pray for God to take you…that is how bad it is. The isolation is what is the worst for me.
I wanted to share the experience of my daughter’s relationship with a Psychopath/Sociopath. She met him on one of the less popular dating sites and when I told her that probably wasn’t the best place to meet men, she told me it was the 21st century and some of her gfs had found there partners there. The relationship started off with ims and emails then progressed to the phone, he later on bought her a cell phone so they could communicate even more. She would share things about the relationship with me and I would tell her to be careful, even though she was an adult woman in her own right. The 1st red flag was when he told her he loved her and had never met her in person. She had never been in love before so this was all new to her. They finally met (he lived a 4 hour drive from her) they weren’t really what the other expected but I guess they weren’t disappointed either. They started a ld relationship and saw each other 2 weekends a month when he did’t have his children (4). She would confide in me and ask me ?s from time to time about his behavior. To make a long story short they broke up 3 times in 3 months, the first and last her the second him. They got back together each time with the help of one of her best friends being contacted by him to ask for help in getting her back. He asked her to go on vacation with him and his 4 kids and she accepted the invite for the simple fact she hadn’t been on a vacation in years. They had a breakdown in communication where he would only im and text her on the cell. I told her that was a red flag in my book and she needed to find out why. He stated that he didn’t feel comfortable talking to her on the phone any longer because he didn’t respect him when they did. I had that mother’s intuition going on and I knew there was something not right about this guy so I hired a PI to do a background check on him. The things I found out were very alarming to me and I asked her to end her relationship with him asap. He had po and restraining orders against him and had had 4 duis in 3 different states. The PI provided me the number of the ex he had lived with, I called her and asked her about her relationship with him. The things she told me were unbelievable compared to what my daughter said about him. The week they were suppose to leave on vacation I shared this info with her. Needless to say, she was very hurt when I told her he was still in a sexual relationship with his ex wife and that she needed to go get checked for stds. She ended the relationship the night before they were suppose to leave and I told her she saved herself from who knows what. It just amazed me what these people can do to innocent people who they victimize and take captive in their sick and twisted worlds. She started therapy afterwards and decided to use hypnotherapy to forget him and the whole experience afterwards. I’m not saying it’ll work for everyone but it did her. We put it to the test over the Holidays, we asked her who she had dated in the last year and he was not mentioned. She has no recollection of that relationship and the hypnotherapy was a godsend for her and my family. Life does go on after these people tear your lives apart. You just have to take it one day at a time and be strong and don’t let them win the fight.
Hi,
I read the posts here and also want to stress that it is very important to focus on YOU. Not him/her. I read incessantly, too, did a lot of journal writing, and yes, praying. It’s been nearly three years, and “it’s” still there, but the pain isn’t as debilitating. Be patient with yourself. Take ONE day at a time. And look for your life in each day that comes. Don’t panic. Don’t fear being alone, and look for strength in knowledge. And yes, therapy. On-line support groups work great, individual and group counselling, too. The full gammut. It is a tremendous undertaking, but the rewards are too many to list. It has been a wake-up call of huge proportions for me. And oh yes, finding this site was key, too. It actually helped another from becoming his next victim.
Talk, talk, write, write, get it out. And yes, I suppose, and what I have been thinking of lately is talking with a priest about evil and forgiveness. No easy task. And yes, I have those triggers, too, where the anger surfaces. It was a long time of vascillating between anger/pain, anger/pain.. but I’m finally finding some peace in-between.
Good luck. I wish I could tell you it was easy, but it was by far the hardest thing I’ve ever done, and it’s not over. It never will be.
Build new, happy memories to replace the old, nasty ones. And work to improve you, that’s the best and only thing you can do.
Thanks for the help…it is important to hear from others about not giving up. It is hard to focus on you sometimes especially when you are older. I am glad to hear it was three years so I don’t feel like there is really wrong with me. Sometimes it is hard to fear being along but the information that I have received helps me know I am not alone. Because sociopaths can make you feel like you have been the one in the wrong or that suddenly you woke up and you are the crazy one. That is the hardest. And it is differant in a sense that you vascillate between the anger/pain…finding the peace is the hardest. It never does sometimes to be over because you can not forget and the children. He kept me from them manipulating them and they no longer wish even to see me..brainwashed them and that is what is the hardest for they were my babies. It is more about the loss and how cruel he guides them now in making them unempathetic like I was never there. I have this huge whole in my heart that does not go away. I have tried distractions but they do not work. I am not at peace because the damage of missing my children and the events in their lives of growing and sharing with him in traditional family values was taken from me even though I did nothing. The peace I wish to find I may never find it because he broke the bonding that was strong between us. Actually he doesn’t care he just wants them as his possessions other than that the damage he has done to them changed them like the textbook read…they will by users, liars, manipulators, unempathetic to the other parents, drug use and sexual promiscuity. He took the innocence of my children and turned them into these things. He took the respect and authority of a mother away…he taught them to disrespect and devalue. My heart aches for the children I knew and not the children they are now. Time is important and money can not replace events of bonding. This was my only family. Thank you all for your comments to help and it makes me feel not alone because the stories all have the same color … so I know I am not crazy. It is not like a normal breakup it is devastating and the courts could care less.
First off, these people cause tremendous amounts of PTSD. I seriously recomment counseling, even short term. I know of places that will do it on sliding scale. Also do not be afraid of medication – short term.
People telling you to get over it, move on or let it go are not helping. It can take years, if ever. You don’t ever really let it go but it does become smaller over time and eventually you adapt and integrate it. That hole in your heart will always be there.
PTSD comes from PSYCHOLOGICAL INJURY not mental illness. These sociopaths mess with our mental stability. Unless you have been through it – you will never EVER understand it. They are hollow sick people and yes – evil.
I tell people at my site to please read up on PSYCHOLOGICAL INJURY, sociopathy, destructive narcissism, PTSD and emotional trauma.
You will not be at peace because until there is justice, there is no peace. That’s the truth and anyone who gives you platitudes doesn’t know what they are talking about.
I also recommend a great book: EMOTIONAL RAPE SYNDROME by Dr. Mike Fox
I was in a relationship with a sociopath. I didn’t know until it ended, when the pain subsided I began to piece it all together and I was truely shocked at my discovery. I had become very emotionally unwell, but my horror of horrors was trying to come to terms with him being “with” his landlady only weeks after we split. I had known her for over a year from spending time with him in her home, she was younger than me but I would never have put them together, and I never saw her as a threat, to me she was just his landlady and nothing more. I was horrified when I learned he was with her when I walked away from his nonsense. But now I wonder was I the one that walked away?? or was I being set up to walk, it all seemed to convenient for him.
She lives in his town, she has no children, a lovely house of her own and very gullible (country woman!!) she was also caring for her partner of 20 years her senior who had developed Parkinson’s disease. Two months after we split up she split with her partner………did I miss something here???
I was in a state of chronic depression trying to figure out how he ended up with this one and so quickly???? I couldn;t make sense of it. Two years now and I still can;t stop obsessing on how he ended up with her…I saw no signs of anything when I was with him, except she was defending him and making excuses for him when I would get angry with him or say something to him to him, she began to look to me like his mother!!!
Dear Fighter: Thank you for your post you are right about the extreme PSTD…people tell you to get over it move. Everyone’s situation can be differant. BUt you see I was such a dedicated mother … close to my daughter’s I did everything as he was never around. So when he decided he was going to dump me and the other woman planned it with him. He took me to the cleaners…so much money spent on attorneys and I lost them anyway because they were older and convinced them to live with him with all his plans…HE IS REALLY GOOD AND SMOOTH…False allegations to the police department which they laughed at…now I have a police report filed because he has his woman sign my name to my IRS check and then used my daughter to go make the deposit in his account. I filed the police report because they have taken power over me and I must do this to show that I have been so defrauded throughout the situation. I still am not divorced BUT WOULD LIKE TO HEAR COMMENTS ON PAIN AND SUFFERING SETTLEMENTS IN PA. You see I did not have a career other than the small job I had since I raised him up in his career. Now he can have more money with the other woman and it was time to dump me and take the children which he really does not take care of anyway…he just lets everyone else do it. He has backing from his family who are just like him to attack me. Funny they never attacked me before until he decided it was time to get rid of another person who worked so hard.
YOU SEE THE TRAUMA IS SO SEVERE and you are right it might take years but even then…the connection I feel with the children is so broken…and I don’t want to live. I said that before because I look at my situation sometimes and think that there is no way out. I mean no way out for me. For I can’t even laugh anymore EVEN THOUGH I WASN’T LIKE THAT BEFORE and sincerely don’t want to be like that. The whole in my heart has been damaged to badly I am afraid. My diginity …LIKE I WAS RAPED so I know how those women feel….till some sense of justice is delivered but that still doesn’t replace the damage done ever between my children and I…THERE IS NO JUSTICE FOR THAT…NO JUSTICE. I am not looking for the justice more than I am looking for what should be that was there before even though it is gone. THAT IS THE CATCH 22 position these people leave us in. I pray to GOD sometimes so hard to level him to take all his supply lines away forever placing him possibly down on his knees and only then will he manipulate the children again towards a relationship not just a relationship the MOTHERING that should be. I don’t want to live because there is no peace within in me … I can try this or that…I can go to counseling trying medication like I have but nothing SUFFICES. I turn to GOD to please put me out of my misery or bring me someone so wonderful that it makes me forget. But you see I am so damaged in all aspects of self…self esteem…money…emtotional…spiritual. I find no way out…now way out.
I CAN NOT FORGET MY FIRST LIFE…FOR I CAN NOT DENY MY CHILDREN SO THEREFORE I CAN NOT MOVE FORWARD.
Hi everyone,
Im new to this to this and just broke up with my ex-boyfriend 3 days ago.I believe he is a sociopath or a psychopath.I always try to make excuses for him or try to forget the fact he cant have any feelings and just pretends.I read this forum and see some of the signs with him.I also told him he is a p…and some of his traits that he had i read about.He wasnt mean to me expect for when things didnt go his way.If he had to get violent he did.He sometimes told me i was getting big (because he made me stop smoking).I gained some weight.I never showed him some of his comments bothered me.I just came back with a bad comment to him.He told me my pride was big..being from NJ he said Jersey people have to much pride.
We broke up before and he said i would be craving for his love.He was absolutely right.I did…i felt almost like dieing i was so hurt.Finally,we got back together and same old things happened.When it comes to spending a penny on me he has a fit.He recently moved to SC for a job and I’m here in PA.He wanted me to fly down and see him this weekend,i was going to until my friend brought it to my attention it wasnt right i was paying for the ticket.I asked him for 1/2 of the ticket and he had a fit.I stuck to my guns and told him i couldnt afford it.He finally offered me 100 toward the ticket which was 240.00.
Everything was going good until he had a 15 minute break and never called me because he did not want to use his cell phone minutes.I wrote him a email and told him if i wasnt worth the few mintues on his cell phone then he wasnt worth the 240 to me.I told him not to call my home or i would be changing my telephone number.He wont anyway,he is too involved with his new carreer and new life.I just hope that the recovery time for healing isnt to long.I also wonder if the heart aches get worse before they get better?He wrote me a email and told me good luck with who ever i end up with,and thanked me.I have no clue why he thanked me.I responded to him just to let him know after all this is over with that whom ever i shall to decide to be with will be a totally new love for me.His wont, his relationship will be the same old record being replayed with the same lines of bs..same gifts..same sex..same everthing.He is such a sweet talker and charmer.It drives me crazy when we get in front of respectful people he tries to act so so smart.His vocabualry is very good,and he uses that towards me when we argue.He tries to make me think and feel he is the smarter one and the one who is thinking logically.This last time i told him save all his fancy bull shit talk for someone who really gives a crap what he has to say.I feel so rude for being this way.But i have to be strong.I have to show him he isnt going to get the best of me.I felt like calling him so so bad!i get these bad cravings where i want to call him and make up with him.I fight so hard not to do it.All my friends and family hate him and dont want me with him.There is a big age difference between us and they tell me im missing out on so much in life being with him.I can be with someone who will not complain to buy me a package of hot dogs with out complaining about it,treat me to wendies without complaining about it,use his cell phone minutes with out worrying about it.He even tries to use reverse pschology on me and tries to make me think im crazy or sick in the head.Last summer when we broke up he really had me believing it.I really didnt want to live,i had so many different emotions i couldnt even think straight.I was under so much stress that i thought i really was going to have a stroke.This time he tried to pull the same crap..”your sick in the head and I’m not dealing with you anymore”I told him piont blank..Im not sick “your are” anyone who is a greedy as you is sick in the head and needs help.You dont treat people whom your supposed to love with all your heart like that.I believe he probably trapped me because im so much younger,and i had a lot more then what he does.I really just need people to talk to,people who are dealing with the same kind of heart aches.People that can tell me yes…he is a p and yes…stay away from him..and keep pounding it into my thick head!UUgGH!Sorry this was so long..
To Dinaboyd:
You are right to break off all contact with this man. You are experiencing the mind games psychopaths play. These articles may help you:
http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2007/04/13/motivation-needing-wanting-and-liking/
http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2007/03/10/ask-dr-leedom-i-dont-understand-why-i-still-care/
Stay strong.