I believe emotional rape is a crime

Editor’s note: Joyce M. Short is the author of a just released book, “Carnal Abuse by Deceit.” The book chronicles her life with a predator, the subsequent aftermath and her road to recovery. It also provides advice for victims and their supporters, and discusses the issues surrounding criminalization of rape-by-fraud. 

By Joyce M. Short

“No Contact” Is the First Step, But Not the Last!

The concept of NO CONTACT enables us to distance ourselves from harm, and regain emotional balance. But it’s not all we need to do. We need to come to grips with the real injury that we’ve endured in order to cope with our losses. Partially in an effort to cope with mine, I wrote my book, Carnal Abuse by Deceit How a Predator’s Lies Became Rape.

Most of us think of rape as an act of physical assault. But the assault, itself, is not the only harm, and is not necessarily present in all forms of rape. We can be raped by lies, fraud and deceit. We can be raped by dates who overcome our consent with drugs or alcohol. We can be raped by not being the age of consent when sexual intercourse takes place. We can be coerced into sexual intercourse by concern over possible harm to another if we don’t cooperate. What all these forms of rape have in common is that there is no direct force applied, but our sexual sanctity was breached without “knowing consent.”

The stories I’ve read of most LoveFraud participants expose their experience with either emotional rape or rape by fraud. We were defrauded of our highest emotion, which is love, (emotional rape) and some of us were fooled by fraudulent identity information of the predator who entered our lives, (rape by fraud). As a result, many of us were locked into a relationship known as a Betrayal Bond, which made walking away very difficult. On-lookers who were not faced with the same neurologically induced connection to the predator may have been bewildered by our interest in remaining in the relationship. And because these predators were such believable “con artists,” we may not have received support from people close to us who were fooled as well. My own mother was taken in by the man who defiled me.

I’ve written Carnal Abuse by Deceit — How a Predator’s Lies Became Rape, (CAD) in order to accomplish a few things I feel are important. The first is to mainstream the concept of the crime itself, and enable society to understand that the behavior is, in fact, a crime. Another is to establish that there really are people who cannot be, and should not be, trusted in the world. They are morally disordered and no amount of love or caring will fix them. The third is to provide a path that I sincerely hope will bring relief to others who struggle to recover from the devastation that occurred in their lives, and free themselves from ongoing sorrow.


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nice; the one thing my ex was, was intimate. he craved it. wanted me to sit next to him just constantly & shower him w/affection allll the time. it was smothering to me and im quite affectionate i think. was, for sure, emotional in bed. i left 3 or 4 times and he just cried the whole time (I stopped over 2 or 3 times unannounced and found him crying) and begged me back. he would never run.
sigh, maybe he rly is BPD, not NPD…& i wish i could stop being my hugely-analytical self so i cud stop caring to figure out wat he is.
while i figured out WHAT he was (at the least, disordered) very, very quickly, it didnt help me leave or stop falling more in love with him, so what does it matter to know? nothing. the only thing i need to know is Red Flag=WALK. and WALK NOW.
i had a date stand me up this week. lied to me he was coming when he was stuck at a garage getting his car fixed. then wen i txtd again, where are u, ur 20 min late? i got no response. i left and he tried the excuse of the car a few hrs later. wen i gave no response he tried i am rly interested in u. i finally said, u lied to me and all u had to do was say, at the beginning, im stuck at the mechanic’s. and then u IGNORED ME?? um i’ll pass. Ass.
he then sent me a txt next day…I was wrong. Pls forgive me. WOW uk there are a few men i’d love to have gotten that txt from!! i want to frame it. too bad idc to know this person any further; that’s just too bad a screw up to have rite away when ur supposed to be on ur best behavior and impressing me with how great a man u are lol
common courtesy is not rocket science, lying (and then ignoring me???) HUGE red flag. bye bye

Dear ain’t: I was supposed to meet a guy for Scrabble a few weeks ago from the dating site. We did not exchange phone numbers, so I just expected him to be on time. We both live in the same town, so I picked a location that was close to both of us. I waited for him for 10 minutes, then left. When I got home, there was a message from him on the dating site telling me he was running late blah blah blah. He just assumed I would get the message on my iphone (which I don’t have one). I told him it was too late – I waited for him and he wasn’t there. He begged me to go back. I refused. You only get one chance to make a first impression. He blew his.

I am very very picky when it comes to men. And nowadays, the courting ritual is nearly dead. If a guy decides he likes you, he may want to date you once or twice. Then he wants to “hang out” (aka have sex). I don’t go for that. I want a man to court me. If he doesn’t understand that concept – that a woman’s love and attention is to be cherished – then he is not good enough. Period. Case closed. There is a guy I’m dating now whom I really really like on many levels. But I don’t think he grasps the whole “courting” concept. Too bad, so sad. I don’t beg them or teach them. I just move along. I’m so busy enjoying my life – out dancing several nights a week – and trying to further my various careers – that I don’t have time to wait for guys to grow up (or grow a pair). lol


while i wud love to be courted, i dont think thats happening since men nowadays are a little, grow-less ~ahem~ even grown, experienced older men. INCREDIBLE to me. if u courted me and cherished me i wud climb mtns for u. they know not what they miss.
but like u, i wont put up with a less than STELLAR first impression. this poor guy saying to me, i was wrong, pls forgive me is probably a really nice dude who made a bad choice that day. i have not been with a man who said i was wrong, let alone pls forgive me…in way, way too long. but jump up and shine or get off my radar is my new motto.
im sure alot of cool ppl will be missed along the way.
i cant afford to let in the assholes tho. EVER AGAIN.

Like you, ain’t, I have a low tolerance for bad behaviors. Unfortunately, I think due to the moral degeneration of our society and the fact that single women outnumber single men, men do not have to work very hard for sex and intimacy like they did in the old days. Won’t sleep with a guy? No problem for him – there are 6 women down at the local bar or on the internet who will. It’s kind of sad. But I try to focus on the positive and what I want. I keep setting the standard. I have a man in my life right now who really likes me. And it’s mutual. But I have to do a little teaching with him to get him to behave the way I want him to. Time will tell if he can live up to my standard. If no one can, no problem. I will have more time to pursue my dance/healing dual careers. I am trying to focus on what I have rather than what I don’t have (a man).

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At one point in the relationship with the sociopath he told me he “put people into categories”. He had already pulled some real WTF’s. I asked him what category I was in and he just gave me a look like “how could I ask that”. Well he also used to call me his “dirty girl”. Well, as hard as it is to admit or deal with…that is exactly how he saw me. His whore “dirty girl” to be used for sex. Oh, and his control/power games. That was my category as far as he saw it and I should be quite satisfied with that, if not happy about it. He literally blamed me one of the times out of many for a breakup because, “He wished I hadn’t ruined what we (i.e. he) had.” I called him again on how he was treating me. He naturally said goodby and I am blocking you again. Over, and over, and over. So as hard and painful as it is to deal with…the bottom line is that is exactly how he viewed you. I am very sorry. Remember, they are mentally deformed.

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