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By | January 4, 2014 50 Comments

I believe emotional rape is a crime

Editor’s note: Joyce M. Short is the author of a just released book, “Carnal Abuse by Deceit.” The book chronicles her life with a predator, the subsequent aftermath and her road to recovery. It also provides advice for victims and their supporters, and discusses the issues surrounding criminalization of rape-by-fraud. 

By Joyce M. Short

“No Contact” Is the First Step, But Not the Last!

The concept of NO CONTACT enables us to distance ourselves from harm, and regain emotional balance. But it’s not all we need to do. We need to come to grips with the real injury that we’ve endured in order to cope with our losses. Partially in an effort to cope with mine, I wrote my book, Carnal Abuse by Deceit How a Predator’s Lies Became Rape.

Most of us think of rape as an act of physical assault. But the assault, itself, is not the only harm, and is not necessarily present in all forms of rape. We can be raped by lies, fraud and deceit. We can be raped by dates who overcome our consent with drugs or alcohol. We can be raped by not being the age of consent when sexual intercourse takes place. We can be coerced into sexual intercourse by concern over possible harm to another if we don’t cooperate. What all these forms of rape have in common is that there is no direct force applied, but our sexual sanctity was breached without “knowing consent.”

The stories I’ve read of most LoveFraud participants expose their experience with either emotional rape or rape by fraud. We were defrauded of our highest emotion, which is love, (emotional rape) and some of us were fooled by fraudulent identity information of the predator who entered our lives, (rape by fraud). As a result, many of us were locked into a relationship known as a Betrayal Bond, which made walking away very difficult. On-lookers who were not faced with the same neurologically induced connection to the predator may have been bewildered by our interest in remaining in the relationship. And because these predators were such believable “con artists,” we may not have received support from people close to us who were fooled as well. My own mother was taken in by the man who defiled me.

I’ve written Carnal Abuse by Deceit — How a Predator’s Lies Became Rape, (CAD) in order to accomplish a few things I feel are important. The first is to mainstream the concept of the crime itself, and enable society to understand that the behavior is, in fact, a crime. Another is to establish that there really are people who cannot be, and should not be, trusted in the world. They are morally disordered and no amount of love or caring will fix them. The third is to provide a path that I sincerely hope will bring relief to others who struggle to recover from the devastation that occurred in their lives, and free themselves from ongoing sorrow.

 


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Thank you so much Joyce for bringing attention to this issue. It simply is not right that exploiters get away with their deception.

aintgonnatakeitnomore

idt this will ever get anywhere legally as EVERYONE thinks u shud just leave wen the guys “an idiot”. they do not GET it. they will not.
to even be trapped in this took alot of manipulation on the spaths part. to disentangle oneself is maddeningly difficult. its why women get killed b4 leaving the abuser. its why they endanger their own precious children. it’s why u “cant talk any sense into them”. it’s why they cant see “the red flags flying high”. they are lost in the labyrinth of lies and deceit and love bombing and watever other sick, twisted tricks the sick, twisted man used/is using to keep his victim. I Have Been There. the selfhate is incredible. and the blame is squarely on me in my familys opinion. “u shud have ran if he was half as bad as the (few cautious) things u have shared (out of desperation–my fear of their increased revulsion keeps me from telling most the ordeal) were true”. therefore i just made a mistake and cud have turned around.
so untrue.
but until ur caught in this kind of abuse, u wont get it. a normal abusive partner will allow u to get out. u will think everyone can therefore. u will be wrong.

HanaleiMoon

Aint…you are so, so, so exactly right.

aintgonnatakeitnomore

aint it a bitch to be rite SIGH

slimone

Joyce,

It is good to hear you call this what it really is. Emotional rape. I was told I was the be all and end all, the ‘first one I’ve ever wanted to marry’, blah dee blah.

If I had known the truth, I never would have become involved. the truth is rape is not a sexual act, it an act of power and violation. So, even if the victim has never even slept with the predator/liar, it is rape. They violate our trust, first, and then, if they are so inclined our bodies.

No matter how you look at it, it is rape from the first word.

Slim

aintgonnatakeitnomore

lol i was his dream woman too. he pressed me to marry so badly. i held him off from july to jan. the worse thing is he wanted children very very badly too. that is the worst mistake i ever made, worse than being with him, having his children. now i fret about their genetic makeup. i rly worry as his parents are both messed up too i now realize. his mom is prob a spath too. his dad im not sure of.
SIGH

Yes, they lied to us to get into the relationship; they lied about who they were and what they really wanted to do to us. We need to ask ourselves “what was this person’s intention”. Did he want a relationship with me or to have power and control over me? He told me he loved me and wanted to marry me, as he was screwing other women in other states. He relied on lots of texting so that he could manage his lies and avoid any real depth conversation with these other women. He also relied on the distance to make sure his lies of where he was living/who he was with every night (me) were not found out by the “new shiny toy”. Do I feel bad for the other women, yes I do. Of course he lied to them about who he was. He deceived them into thinking he was not in a relationship, that he was available. That he could be in a long distance romance with them. They too were told all the same lies I was told. All for him to feed his ego, he never had any intention of every really loving me or them. It was all for him and his power trip over many women. And yes my ego has been crushed as I go over “why I was not enough for this man”? Why after all the hoops I have jumped through all the sacrifices and all the bad behavior I have tolerated and still this person did not love me and give me the relationship that I thought we were going to have. I know I have been “emotionally raped” as I allowed this man into my life and he destroyed me on a personal level. Having to admit to myself that this man never loved me is the hardest part. And now I need to rebuild my life as well as all the women who he has “raped” over the years, as they too will find out who he really is. And they will as he never keeps them longer than 3 months because by then he cannot keep the lies going. He gets tired of them and his “feeding frenzy for his ego” has been filled. His need for power and control has been satiated and he is good for a while. Then he starts again with a new toy.

[email protected]

It sounds like you were badly victimized by an intensely disordered man.

One of my intentions in writing “Carnal Abuse by Deceit” was to begin the conversation that can criminalize the behavior. Many states (mentioned in my book,) have penal code addressing various aspects of rape by fraud. You’ll see that the basis for the crime differs from state to state.

Changing the law, or having the existing laws implemented or standardized from state to state will take considerable information, which I’m attempting to compile. Anyone on this blog, (and that is likely to be many of you,) who feels they were the victim of emotional rape, or rape by fraud, can send me a brief note (to [email protected]), indicating the state and city where you live. When we have a group of folks who are all on the same page from the same states, we can approach the legislators in your state with a proposal on rape by fraud penal law.

Additionally, on my blog, http://www.CADalert.blogspot.com, you can list the name and data of the person who victimized you. You can do so anonymously. The intent is simple…. it’s to stop CADs in their tracks by putting their factual information “out there” so they can no longer fool others with misinformation and lies.

Wishing you the best in your efforts to recover from your ordeal!

Joyce

BagLady

Joyce, I’m having trouble accessing the comments on your blog. I think it has something to do with the Disqus software. I’ve tried two different browsers and … nothing. I’m on my work computer and I’m not in a position to upgrade those browsers. I don’t know if there’s anything you can do but I wanted to let you know. I have a story to tell *and* a CAD to report.

BTW, I have been using the term “emotional rape” for years to describe what he did to me.

Hi BagLady,

Thanks for letting me know about the difficulty you’ve had on the web page. I’ll look into the technology and try to make the necessary changes.

If you write to me directly at [email protected], I’ll post your CAD information and your story on your behalf.

Also, please let me know what city and state you live in so I can put you together with other folks in your state to begin to lobby for legislative change on this issue.

All the best!
Joyce

Hi,

Yes it has been a terrible awful nightmare that I just cannot move away from. I have been violated by this man. He took my “rights” away from me when he lied to me about other women. My right to ensure protection was always used. He was having unprotected sex with these women and then of course we were not using protection. My right to be in a safe realtionship, my right to make choices ( if I had known) my right to protect myself and my heart. He was reckless with my health and has put me in a position of having to ensure I have not been infected with anything. Did he violate these other women….YES…He is a 52 year old man who I am sure would tell these women he has not had sex for sooooo long and would also tell them he has had a vasectomy, therefore no protection was used. I am sick….just sick and yes I am doing no contact…but 5 years of loving this man and then to find all this out and now…..silence. I am trying my best to take 1 day at a time but the truth is I ache…my body is aching…my heart is aching….I feel so violated and so hurt that this man did this to me and has moved on without any remorse….nothing. Is this a good thing? probably but right now all I can do is just breath.

HanaleiMoon

[email protected], I know how you feel. I was a year or two into the relationship with my abuser when he started pressuring to stop using condoms since we were “exclusive”. My gut advised caution and I waited close to another year before I was convinced (falsely) that he was not and would not have sex with anyone else. I can sill feel what a big step it was for me to agree that we didn’t need to use them anymore. Within about a year I got herpes…and when I told him, he attacked me so cruelly, telling me I made his skin crawl, and accusing me of ruining his life and wondering what other diseases I had given him…of course I was so manipulated I stayed with him for another three years before he discarded me, and he never took responsibility for the herpes and wouldn’t discuss it with me. It was certain I got it from him…I had been celibate for two years since my divorce and hadn’t had sex with anyone else. I know how you feel…I found out later this man was “dating” multiple women the entire time he was with me, several that I knew, and was deep into another relationship when we bought our dream home together in another state…he discarded me less than three months after escrow closed and left me and my financial life in shambles…2 1/2 years later I am still cleaning up the mess. Meanwhile, in less than 8 months, he married another women with his entire family around him (the family I had been a part of for 7 years) and has moved on unscathed and unimpacted. Now I know the marriage is a sham and he has not changed and will be abusing her too, and feel pretty certain he married her so quickly to “save face” and make a public show that the end of our relationship was my doing and not his, since he is so desirable, and it’s HARD. But I know I will be ok…and you will too. There are some days when all I can do is breathe too…and that’s ok…be thankful for the silence – if he returned to your life, he would only abuse you again.

Dave

hi moon,

unfortunately I have herpes as well, but my BPD wife did not give them to me, the girl before her did, however I met my wife on a herpes dating site, it was heaven until we moved in together, since its been nothing but up and down roller coaster rides full of lies, possible cheating, verbal abuse, I only hope that if she gets with someone else she at least tells him what she has before sleeping with him, but there is no telling with her anymore what she is capable of.

sry to hear it happened to you with someone you trusted, I couldn’t imagine how id have fealt if my wife gave me something.

HanaleiMoon

They have herpes dating sites? Wow…who knew!

I remember so clearly when I got the call and told him about the herpes…we were on our way out of town on a weekend trip and he was driving my car…I was stunned but just felt we could handle it together. Eeep! If I had a dollar for every time I’ve wished I would have had him stop the car, hauled him out and drove away with him laying on the shoulder, I’d be a millionaire.

I’m sure he hasn’t told his new wife (or any other of the women) he has it…because of course, in his world, he doesn’t.

Totallylost

[email protected],

I am so very sorry for the pain and agony you are feeling. You have come to the right place. I found LoveFraud a little over a year ago and my life has never been the same. The feelings you have are very valid. Don’t ever be ashamed of having them. Although we cannot go back and undo what has been done to us, we can take positive steps to move forward. I remember the nights crying out loud so long that my chest would hurt. I thought I had no more tears left, when more would flow. I thought I would never be normal again. The agony and heartache was more than I could bare. I can tell you that it does get much better. I never dreamed I would be in the state of mind that I now enjoy. I have come so far and you will too. When I feel myself slipping, I hop onto LoveFraud and read until I feel better. It always brings me back to reality. You go ahead and just breath for now. That’s perfectly fine. As I’m sure you’ve read, no contact is absolutely essential to your healing. When I decided to go no contact, I spent two days crying, deleting all of his information and pictures from my computer and packing up anything that had anything to do with him (or throwing them away). It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. I also removed all of the people from my life who were his enablers. I removed their contact information, blocked them from calling me, emailing me and contacting me on Facebook. It was hard, but looking back, it was the smartest thing I had done in a long time. Just hang in there and keep putting one foot in front of the other. One thing that has helped me is making sure I get out and get some sunshine and exercise, even if it’s just a walk around the block. For an entire year I put blankets over the blinds on the windows and did nothing but eat and watch television. This did not serve me well. The first thing I do every day now is open all of the blinds. You’ve made it this far and you can make it over the hump. We believe in you!

onmyown

It was so hard to get across WHY I felt like I’d been raped with my therapist. He touched me with his foul body while continually lying about his sexual history, past and present. All the while he was demanding complete monogamy and loyalty. I cheerfully gave it and thought I was getting it in return. Ms. Loyal sat at home and never looked at another man – even when I should have. Then I found out he had taken a stripper home from a bar after he intentionally started an argument so that I would leave. When I started digging I found many one night stands with women of questionable reputation, or worse. It always happened after he intentionally started an argument. He drove me away so that he could cheat, then he’d call days later and reel me back in.

I would have never allowed him near me, let alone share bodily fluids with him, had I known what a degraded being he truly was. I was left feeling filthy, contaminated, and utterly violated and nothing could make that go away for a long time.

Onmyown-

I think one of the toughest parts of dealing with our issues is that folks who should know how we feel often don’t.

Obviously, you thought you were sharing an intimate, monogamous relationship with this man. And the discovery that you were not, was a betrayal. While you provided HIM with intimacy, and your highest emotion, love, he engaged in defilement, misuse of your body and your trust. He, indeed, emotionally raped you.

The sense of filth and contamination is similar in all rape victims. The difference is that we were not violently assaulted, (although some of us were, as well.) But that by no means changes the sense of violation we feel.

You will need to learn to cope with those feelings, and it will become easier over time. If your present therapist does not comprehend this, you might look for one who has experience with Post Traumatic Rape Syndrome and has worked with patients who were victimized by sociopaths. There are tools they can use to help you minimize your visceral response to what happened to you. I’ve mentioned some of those techniques in my book as well as other insights about healing.

An important concept to focus on is the fact that rape was an action that was done to you, but it is not who you are.

Wishing you a speedy journey to recovery!

Joyce

onmyown

I’m blessed to have a great therapist who never had a lot of experience with personality disorders, but recognized that I had probably been sucked in by a sociopath. What she wanted was for me to verbalize why I felt raped and I couldn’t do it for a while. I suffered so badly from cognitive dissonance and there was PTSD, including repressed memories that were slowly making their way back into my conscious thoughts. He was also still contacting me at that time, trying desperately to keep me on the hook and insisting he had done nothing wrong. It wasn’t until I cut him loose for good that I could start putting the pieces together.

It’s been several years and I’ve dealt with all of this effectively in therapy. Sometimes I still go back to those memories but now I only feel disgust at him, not me. The remaining 99.9% of my time he’s nothing. He’s essentially irrelevant now.

LL Mequon

This is something the courts need to be aware of. Ever since I discovered my ex’s true self, I have tried to explain to others that he married me under false pretenses–so he should not be entitled to any of the usual compensations in divorce–half of my pension, etc! I have maintained that had I known who and what he was, I would never have SPOKEN to him, let alone married him and had three children with him. And because of his deceit, I am supposed to let my minor child have visitation with him?? An embezzler and porn addict?? Not likely! Though, of course, I have had to engage in some of my own manipulation to prevent that from happening. The courts are woefully ignorant when it comes to sociopaths and parenting.
Good luck with the book–much needed!

Landlady327

Dear Donna:
This is the BEST news I have read on your site in a while. The fact is, if “emotional rape” isn’t currently a crime, it absolutely should be (and should have been, for some time now!). The “damage” done to one’s life (emotional health, physical health, financial well-being, future ability to trust, function, etc.) as a result of this despicable behavior/deceit/betrayal/manipulation is unlike anything that most currently “recognized” crimes cause. In my legal opinion, the damages are typically far worse in type, number and severity. As we all know, this type of victimization is on the uptick, as the number of these perpetrators in society increases. The legislatures and courts must acknowledge and respond NOW, not 10-20 years from now, when the wreckage wrought from these individuals creates a crisis of its own sociologically, economically, etc. I am so glad this book was written, and words cannot express how much admiration and gratitude I have for its author. Such a immensely courageous woman! Thank you!!!

HanaleiMoon

Joyce, this sentence in your post spoke to me: “On-lookers who were not faced with the same neurologically induced connection to the predator may have been bewildered by our interest in remaining in the relationship.” I have never broken no contact with this man since the day he abandoned me and the relationship after he manipulated me and set me up so he could do the absolute most harm possible, almost 2 1/2 years ago. I’ve spent this time single mindedly working to clean up the mess he made of my life, and of me…and pretty much all of my “friends” have walked away from me because for once I was unable to be there for them and needed their support. The one “friend” who has marginally stayed in my life felt it necessary to continue her subtle jabs at me by sending me a whopper of an email on New Year’s Eve (just when I was feeling some hard earned optimism for the coming year) and gave me her opinion that I may be “wearing the victim dress” well as does her mother and that she was concerned that the reason I recently quit a part time job that wasn’t working for me was that I wanted to “hole myself up” in my house and shut out the world, but she wasn’t sure what “tape” I had playing in my head currently. Though nothing could be farther from the truth, I have both feet in the survivor camp and am more proud of this than anything I have accomplished in my life, I am still fragile enough for this to have thrown me into a day of extreme self doubt. Mind you, this person lives two states away and hasn’t seen me since the discard happened and we rarely talk on the phone…she has no idea really, who or how I am now. One of the hardest things to deal with over this time is how people just disappeared from my life or actively attacked me for how I was handling things, and almost no one valued me enough to listen and try to understand. I guess a by product of it all is that I now know what constitutes a true friend, and that none of these people were. I understand what happened to me and how, and I know it wasn’t my fault. I know who I am…and although I am still fragile, I have self respect and I’m almost out of the fire. In 2014 I will fully have my life back and I intend to get some new friends and live again.

LandLady-

Thanks so much for your words of support!

HanaleiMoon-

Your friends and family are simply not enlightened by the information you now know. They don’t grasp how “sucked in” and complex a predator’s web can be. And it’s rare that they understand the neurologic components of betrayal that created the toxic glue that kept you stuck.

It’s one of the reasons I decided to go public with my book. Victims rarely get the supportive validation that could help ease their pain. I address this in my final chapter.

Perhaps if you give them either my book, “Carnal Abuse by Deceit” or “The Betrayal Bond” by Dr. Carnes, they might begin to understand. Opinions are hard to change, but through this site and other similar ones, as well as the literature that is finally surfacing on these issues, society’s awareness will grow.

I wrote the following poem as I was going through the emotional upheaval of my friends and family not understanding. My sister had given me a gazillion reasons why I shouldn’t write the book as well as trying to convince me that I “made bad decisions” and “shouldn’t blame.” I hope it helps you find some solace.

Moving On

For those who don’t support my right
To end my pain by shedding light;
Their own agendas don’t embrace,
What’s best for me, their loss I face.

Life changes all along the way,
Some things move on while others stay,
But those who want what’s best for me,
Support my right to set me free.

So I speak out, and lay him bare,
That man who acts without a care,
His wretched actions hurt no more,
My power’s back, I’ve closed his door.

And even if he feigns protest,
My heart’s unbound, I’ve done my best.
My silence wasn’t his to hold,
My right to heal has made me bold.

All the best-
Joyce

HanaleiMoon

Joyce, thank you so much for sharing your poem! I love it and have printed it out to keep at hand. I plan on getting your book for myself. Unfortunately, I can’t think of anyone in my life who would be willing to take their time to read it (over time I’ve shared some articles and other information and feel like it’s been glossed over or ignored). I sometimes feel that what we come to accept and understand as the hows and whys of what happened is seen by those who haven’t experienced it as an “excuse” for what they see as our “mistakes”. I’ve heard over and over again that it would never have happened to them…and that I need to take responsibility for what happened. This devastated me in the beginning since I was already reeling from the manipulations and drama created by the monster. But over time, finding books like yours and sites like this and becoming educated, I am needing understanding less and less. I’m looking forward to the future and new friends.

Totallylost

HanaleiMoon, your statement that in 2014 you will fully have your life back and you intend to get some new friends and live again resonated with me. I have been out of the relationship since May of 2010, and I am just now getting to that same point. All I can say is you go girl! I still have a ways to go, but every day is one day closer to being whole again. He is now just a blip on the timeline of my life, but the damage he did has taken some very intense work to try and repair and move on. As you stated, “One of the hardest things to deal with over this time is how people just disappeared from my life or actively attacked me for how I was handling things, and almost no one valued me enough to listen and try to understand.” This, I think is when I felt like I was perhaps the crazy one. But as those of us on this site know, that is what they want us to think. One of the worst things for me was that the large majority of those who treated me this way were those in our church. I literally sat in class silently, with tears streaming down my face, and not a single person ever asked what was wrong, not even in private. I went to church with bruises on my face, a broken arm, a broken tailbone, all on separate occasions, and not one single person ever asked any questions. This made it that much more difficult. I finally quit going to church because I couldn’t bare to watch the huge performance he gave every week. But all of that is the past, and I am finally easing into socializing and doing some enjoyable things again. What a great feeling it is. However, sometimes I still have to remind myself to just breathe and enjoy life. Yeah 2014!!!

Corinne

Part of why the courts don’t recognize this type of thing, is that many involved in the court system are narcissists and sociopaths (Statement made by my attorney).

LL Mequon

HA! So true!!

pawscat

A lot of convicted paedophiles have had high powered jobs in england-magistrates,police,m.p.s,justices of the peace, teachers,
social workers.(evidence online)

Hello HanaleiMoon and onmyown,

When I start to post I am almost hesitant as I wonder if anyone can relate to my hurt and then….I see so many people who have the same story. It is almost sureal as our stories are so similiar. I take each day at a time and just hearing your stories makes me feel like I am not alone in this horrible fight for my life back. To feel whole again. Thank goodness for this site as sometimes all I can do is read and keep taking baby steps to recovery.

HanaleiMoon

I am thankful for this site and realizing others understand too…certainly not one person in my life did or does, with the exception of my therapist. Finding out that others have walked in my shoes and yes, that the stories are so similar, was really the turning point in my healing. It is a sad reality that for the most part, people who haven’t gone through it can’t understand it, and makes this a very lonesome road to travel. It really is surreal that the techniques these monsters use seem to be right out of a handbook.

biggestdummyofall

NOONE understands this phenomenon BUT US, THE VICTIMS

Barb

My family is moronic. I have told them again and again about the horror of emotional abuse that occurred in our upbringing (I had it the worst). The tragedy and outrage at having pathological narcissists for parents. The grandmother was a horror show. My older sister is the most clueless of my siblings.
She even tries to negate what I have told her and runs like Hell to the other siblings when I tell her the actual truth.
My husband had a ruptured aortic aneurysm and is lucky to be living now. I blocked my older sib’s phone number (and my younger sister’s). Older sib called in a panic to my husband saying that she could not reach me. She threatened to call the police. Last time I checked it is not a crime to block someone’s number. My husband took it in stride and merely said (calmly): “Anne, I have 80 staples in my body, from my neck to my groin. I cannot cope with this right now.”
Anne needs help but will never realize it. I have decided to ‘go along to get along’ but only at rare times. It is a sad situation.

pawscat

I had similar family problems. Had tried everything.my son started to be affected by their behaviour so I had to make a stand. I stopped all contact for two years. I figured that BY taking away their scapegoat ,they would be forced to change.it worked with my parents. We had a few arguments but I stuck to my truth and they respect me now.still don’t talk to sos and bro on law but at least I’m not taking their crap behaviour anymore.

How the sociopath works:
When the communications begin, it’s all about “reading” the targets’ vulnerabilities and strengths. They are predators on the hunt for new meat.
The strengths: self-esteem, financial independence, career, empathy, kindness, and all of the rest are assessed.
Vulnerabilities: bad breakup, broken heart, abuse survivor, trust issues, and the lot are also assessed. They dissect our humanity with surgical precision and their methods do not vary from one sociopath to the next.
First, it’s lovebombing ”“ urgent, instant soulmates, and declarations of love. If they see that their targets are responding, then they throw in the need for pity ”“ they lost their job, got reamed in a divorce, have cancer, and any other financial, emotional, medical, or spiritual ploy that they can concoct to generate pity. When THAT works, then comes the use and abuse”the gaslighting, the stonewalling, the withold/reward, and all of the rest of the socipathic games.
Michael Langone, PhD has compiled a list of cult victim traits that are similar to the traits of abuse victims. And this is what the spath looks for in his next victim, the similar traits are:
• Dependency. An intense desire for a sense of belonging, approval, acceptance and a fear of being alone.
• Unassertiveness. Non-confrontational, people-pleasers who are reluctant to question authority.
• Gullibility. A willingness to believe what another person says without critically thinking it through or challenging it.
• Naive Idealism. The belief that everyone is good has some redeeming quality or can change for the better.
• Desire for Spiritual Meaning. The belief that life has a “higher purpose” or that everything happens for a reason. Sometimes people are just abusive jerks and there’s no deeper meaning attached to it, but good targets keep searching for it despite all evidence to the contrary.

pawscat

Wow that is spot on

aintgonnatakeitnomore

from The Silver Chair, CS Lewis
~~Unlike the other 3, (the Prince) seemed to be almost enjoying himself. He whistled as he rode, and sang snatches of an old song of Archenland. The truth is, he was so glad at being free from his long enchantment that all dangers seemed a game in comparison. But the rest found it an eerie journey.~~
i thot, as reading this aloud to my kids today”YES! it was like an enchantment!
~~“It is more than ten years since your Highness was lost in the woods at the north side of Narnia.”
“Ten years!” the Prince said, drawing his hand across his face as if to rub away the past. “Yes, I can believe you. For now that I am myself I can remember that enchanted life, though while I was enchanted I could not remember my true self.~~
ah yes, losing me was the worst spell of all that he wove. i am remembering me now.
”and i like me.
then I read this, a few pages later, about another creature tortured for yrs in enchantment:
~~“You see, we’re all poor gnomes from Bism whom the Witch has called up here by magic to work for her. But we’d forgotten all about it till that crash came and the spell broke. We didn’t know who we were or where we belonged. We couldn’t do anything, or think anything, except what she put into our heads all those years. And it was glum and gloomy things she put there all those years. I’ve nearly forgotten how to make a joke or dance a jig.”~~
YES YES YES

I can choose to be happy. I can even CHOOSE happiness. It’s a choice for me now. WOW
and darn’t, u know what? I am happy. Quite, lately.

[email protected]

The most telling character of a person who can be victimized by a sociopath, is “affective” empathy. Affective empathy provides the person with unconditional love, the love of forgiveness. It enables them to develop a moral code of commitment. That moral code, and the underlying ability to feel affective empathy are what make a person susceptible to a predator.

Unless a person is totally paranoid, every human being is trusting to a point that a predator can pounce. Trust is what makes us all social beings. Someone who is defending a predator might use the negative connotation of “gullible” and “naive” instead of acknowledging that the predator violated the trust of their victim.

Some predators will seek out prey that is dependent with a desire for spiritual meaning. But even people who are none of that will not be spared.

The predator can tell whether you’re an empathetic person in a heartbeat. They can easily determine how morally committed you are to your loved ones. In the first 10 minutes of knowing you, they’ll get all the information they need to know as to whether or not you’ll be a good “mark.”

If they think you are, and if they’re shopping, or if they sense a specific gain to be had by pursuing you, they’ll spend the next 10 minutes trying to raise your oxytocin level with their charm. The hand on your arm, the gaze into your eyes, the “affection speak” is all about building your trust.

It’s the twisted gain in the predator’s sense of you that motivates them. And for some predators, the bigger the challenge you are, the more they are stimulated to go after you.

We need to stop letting the world tell us that we had inherent flaws that made us susceptible. We need to collectively recognize “blame the victim” speak when we hear it.

It doesn’t take “weakness” to become victimized. It takes a disordered predator adept in misusing the social chemistry of another to derive ill gotten gain.

Joyce

dorothy2

the very first night I was with this pig, we were drinking, listening to music and kissing. He stopped and said “put your head on my shoulder, I just want to hold you”. I said…What? He repeated…….so I did and he held me and said, “no mater what, I don’t ever want to loose this”. I remember thinking it was kind of odd but it apparently wasn’t odd enough for me to run for my life!! It was the first of SO many times he held me……I was so hooked.

aintgonnatakeitnomore

yeah, intensity, lovebombing is the way they hook u. its inappropriate commitment, too early on. like the FIRST Night lol
i had it thrown at me the next early morning in a txt, after our first date…when can i see u again? then that nite when we got together again, he looked at me and said so would you commit to just dating me? I don’t date more than one person at a time so I dont want u too either. I was like, well, i dont really know you but i guess i can think about it. i was actually trying to date several so i wudnt get drawn into anyone too quickly and could get the pick of the crop lol
well in the next week, i was gone. i was his.
i should have run instead of being so damn flattered by that txt. I KNEW it was wrong of him to expect me to only date him after 2 dates.
I still did it lol

dorothy2

When I say I was hooked,,,,,,it’s more like the seed was planted maybe. I saw the red flags no doubt. I remember the next day he texted me repeatedly during his work day. So, I knew that was a red flag but here’s where the biggest problem comes in………..I did NOT know that the red flags meant he was a psychopathic manipulative predator! How could I? I’d never dated one before,,,,,,
It all makes sense to me NOW, but it did not compute into the same equasion then.

toallylost,

just read your post and I can relate to almost everything! The tears and my entire body ached for weeks after what happened to me. I found it so hard to believe that a person could do this and without any remorse….I have had no contact since Nov and I tossed everything that reminded me of him. Even dresses that I wore for special events ….all of it in the trash. I did nothing for 8 weeks….just put one foot in front of the other and went through the motions of living. I am starting to go to the gym and getting out and this has helped me to move forward as I cannot let that “piece of crap” win. He destroyed me…..for a time…and now it’s time to get up and move on. I read here everyday as this give me strength and brings me to reality every time I get weak.

there is one thing that I question and that is the Saint/Whore syndrome that I am reading these spaths go through. I think this applies to me as he would not have sex with me for weeks or months and then apologize to me and say he was not really interested in that. Yet he would be having one night stands and engage in risky sex for 2 or 3 months then drop these women. When we did have sex he would always call me his whore? Does anyone have any information on what this means or why they do this?

aintgonnatakeitnomore

to keep you at bay. to make sure he doesnt connect. he had meaningless sex with other women and wanted it to be meaningless with you too. in order to abuse another person you have to see them as objects, not ppl. there can be no bond or potential of a bond and sex is HIGHLY bonding. if he had any fear of feeling emotions, he would make sure that wall stayed brickhard.
if you were a whore he used (or more aptly, didnt use) at will, he can stay emotionalless and in control.
he is a piece of crap, hon. you are starting to see this. You Are Right. ~hugs~

dorothy2

It’s most assuredly not just emotional rape it is physical rape. I was having sex with and pleasuring a complete stranger, as I now see him. I shared my heart, home, body and more with someone he really isn’t, all under the guise of false undying love. He is nothing but a dark dirty hole…..spathhole. If I really knew him then I wouldn’t have been with someone I’m afraid of now.

Dorothy-

Some states actually do prosecute rape by fraud. None of them prosecute emotional rape. The difference is that one is seen as theft of your highest emotion, which is love. The other is seen as an actual violation of “knowing consent” to gain sexual access. If you let me know what state you live in and how long ago the circumstance goes back, I might be able to give you some guidance.

You could also take a look on my blog, http://www.CADalert.blogspot.com, under the information on states.

Joyce

dorothy2

Joyce, Maybe we could speak? Could Donna do and introduction with our emails? I’d rather not disclose my State of residence here. Not that it matters at this point! LOL! i’ve certainly painted a pretty clear picture of Spathtard..if he happened upon the site. BUT……they ARE all so similar!!
Anyhow, if you are up for email contact I’m game. I’ll let Donna know that it’s ok on my end.

Strange how at first we laughed about the name calling and he said it was just “fun and games” now after all his lies and cheating I realize to him he meant it. He once told me that ”.”he would have sex with me as long as I know”that he did not love me—.again”.he stated that was a joke”he said he wanted to see my reaction—I look back now and realize that he was telling me the truth in his own sick way.
The fifth edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM V) tells us why. It says basically that a Narcissist’s ability to experience intimacy is impaired. Narcissists fear intimacy. It causes them immense anxiety. They run from it, because they can never show anyone their true selves. Their whole persona is a mirage, a construct that they have created. Their entire self-esteem is based on how they are perceived by others ”“ not who they truly are. So every time you get too close ”“ they run. What they are suffering from is an intimacy disorder, so they will always keep you at a distance.

aintgonnatakeitnomore

nice; the one thing my ex was, was intimate. he craved it. wanted me to sit next to him just constantly & shower him w/affection allll the time. it was smothering to me and im quite affectionate i think. was, for sure, emotional in bed. i left 3 or 4 times and he just cried the whole time (I stopped over 2 or 3 times unannounced and found him crying) and begged me back. he would never run.
sigh, maybe he rly is BPD, not NPD…& i wish i could stop being my hugely-analytical self so i cud stop caring to figure out wat he is.
while i figured out WHAT he was (at the least, disordered) very, very quickly, it didnt help me leave or stop falling more in love with him, so what does it matter to know? nothing. the only thing i need to know is Red Flag=WALK. and WALK NOW.
i had a date stand me up this week. lied to me he was coming when he was stuck at a garage getting his car fixed. then wen i txtd again, where are u, ur 20 min late? i got no response. i left and he tried the excuse of the car a few hrs later. wen i gave no response he tried i am rly interested in u. i finally said, u lied to me and all u had to do was say, at the beginning, im stuck at the mechanic’s. and then u IGNORED ME?? um i’ll pass. Ass.
he then sent me a txt next day…I was wrong. Pls forgive me. WOW uk there are a few men i’d love to have gotten that txt from!! i want to frame it. too bad idc to know this person any further; that’s just too bad a screw up to have rite away when ur supposed to be on ur best behavior and impressing me with how great a man u are lol
common courtesy is not rocket science, lying (and then ignoring me???) HUGE red flag. bye bye

Stargazer

Dear ain’t: I was supposed to meet a guy for Scrabble a few weeks ago from the dating site. We did not exchange phone numbers, so I just expected him to be on time. We both live in the same town, so I picked a location that was close to both of us. I waited for him for 10 minutes, then left. When I got home, there was a message from him on the dating site telling me he was running late blah blah blah. He just assumed I would get the message on my iphone (which I don’t have one). I told him it was too late – I waited for him and he wasn’t there. He begged me to go back. I refused. You only get one chance to make a first impression. He blew his.

I am very very picky when it comes to men. And nowadays, the courting ritual is nearly dead. If a guy decides he likes you, he may want to date you once or twice. Then he wants to “hang out” (aka have sex). I don’t go for that. I want a man to court me. If he doesn’t understand that concept – that a woman’s love and attention is to be cherished – then he is not good enough. Period. Case closed. There is a guy I’m dating now whom I really really like on many levels. But I don’t think he grasps the whole “courting” concept. Too bad, so sad. I don’t beg them or teach them. I just move along. I’m so busy enjoying my life – out dancing several nights a week – and trying to further my various careers – that I don’t have time to wait for guys to grow up (or grow a pair). lol

aintgonnatakeitnomore

while i wud love to be courted, i dont think thats happening since men nowadays are a little, grow-less ~ahem~ even grown, experienced older men. INCREDIBLE to me. if u courted me and cherished me i wud climb mtns for u. they know not what they miss.
but like u, i wont put up with a less than STELLAR first impression. this poor guy saying to me, i was wrong, pls forgive me is probably a really nice dude who made a bad choice that day. i have not been with a man who said i was wrong, let alone pls forgive me…in way, way too long. but jump up and shine or get off my radar is my new motto.
im sure alot of cool ppl will be missed along the way.
i cant afford to let in the assholes tho. EVER AGAIN.

Stargazer

Like you, ain’t, I have a low tolerance for bad behaviors. Unfortunately, I think due to the moral degeneration of our society and the fact that single women outnumber single men, men do not have to work very hard for sex and intimacy like they did in the old days. Won’t sleep with a guy? No problem for him – there are 6 women down at the local bar or on the internet who will. It’s kind of sad. But I try to focus on the positive and what I want. I keep setting the standard. I have a man in my life right now who really likes me. And it’s mutual. But I have to do a little teaching with him to get him to behave the way I want him to. Time will tell if he can live up to my standard. If no one can, no problem. I will have more time to pursue my dance/healing dual careers. I am trying to focus on what I have rather than what I don’t have (a man).

kmillercats

[email protected]

At one point in the relationship with the sociopath he told me he “put people into categories”. He had already pulled some real WTF’s. I asked him what category I was in and he just gave me a look like “how could I ask that”. Well he also used to call me his “dirty girl”. Well, as hard as it is to admit or deal with…that is exactly how he saw me. His whore “dirty girl” to be used for sex. Oh, and his control/power games. That was my category as far as he saw it and I should be quite satisfied with that, if not happy about it. He literally blamed me one of the times out of many for a breakup because, “He wished I hadn’t ruined what we (i.e. he) had.” I called him again on how he was treating me. He naturally said goodby and I am blocking you again. Over, and over, and over. So as hard and painful as it is to deal with…the bottom line is that is exactly how he viewed you. I am very sorry. Remember, they are mentally deformed.

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