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LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: I have NO family now, my sister has turned them all against me

Editor’s note: The following letter was received from a Lovefraud reader whom we’ll call  “Arabella.” Names have been changed.

I’ve been searching and searching for someone who understands. However, for me it’s not a lover ”¦ but my older sister, who has taken great pleasure in trying to destroy me.

Strangely though, I’m wondering if my mother is also touched with psychopathy. Her emotional reactions to things are very questionable. When she’s been with me and my sister, mum has never raised an eyebrow at some of the REALLY awful provocations. My older brother has treated me like dirt on so many occasions.  Mum sides with him no matter what he does. Mum also made a mistake of telling me how our father used to get upset with her because she never showed any emotions. However, she’s not as obvious as my sister so it’s still a question in my mind.  It isn’t a question relating to my sister though.

Finding ways to make me feel and look bad

Eight years ago my sister informed me, point blank, that she’d been “finding as many different ways to make me look and feel as bad as she could whenever an opportunity came her way.” She’d been spinning lies about me to all our relatives too, to make them be not nice to me.  She said she’d been doing the same to her husband and on reflection, I can see that she also does it to her younger daughter.  My sister wasn’t telling me as an apology.  She was just telling me.

Both of us were in our 40s. Prior to her telling me, I thought we were best friends, ringing each other numerous times a day for years.  I’d stay with her for days and days when her husband was away.  He eventually left but she managed to get him back.

Covert charm

She’s highly charismatic and very clever.  She presents as a quiet type, pretending to be very gentle.  Her main game (apart from other things) is to provoke.  She does it so covertly, and then quickly mixes it with friendly charm again ”¦ just to leave you completely confused but still enamored with her.

Now that she knows no one in the family believes me, she’s really let her act down with me. She’s said and done some blood curdling things to me.

Devastated and destroyed

I’ve been devastated by it.  My work life is destroyed ”¦ I’ve lost four jobs in the last two years.  For 30 years before that, I had always been employed. My finances are only just okay because I have a boyfriend who kindly lets me live with him. I have NO family now, she’s turned them all against me. I must say though, I always used to feel very hurt and perplexed at how my aunts and uncles used to speak to me with such disdain, despite my efforts to be extremely helpful and polite with them over many years.

My whole sense of self worth and acceptance has not been developed properly from birth I’d say.  Hence, my choice in friends and partners has always been under par. I’ve awoken to the fact that I’ve always attracted people to me who don’t treat me with respect or care. That’s all I’ve been used to and hence, surrounded myself with uncaring types. Plus, my choice in jobs has always been way under what I’m capable of, hence, I’m not a wealthy woman.

The spiritual healer and extra weight

I went to a spiritualist healer a couple of years ago. I hadn’t said anything to her about any of this when she said to me, “I can see your sister holding a gun against your heart since the day you were born.  What’s that all about?”  As you can imagine, I was blown away.  It sent shivers down my spine.

I’ve put on a lot of weight due to being very depressed.  I’ve lost interest in my hobbies (dance and music being the main ones).  I couldn’t even listen to music for quite some time.

When it became apparent to me that my sister was doing the same to her younger daughter, I said to my sister, “Please, if you can’t stop doing it to me, at least stop doing it to Pamela.”  Well, she immediately called her daughter over and provoked her into anger about something.  Clearly demonstrating she had no intention of doing anything I said.

Strength vs victim strategy

I’ve tried showing strength rather than “victim” to my sister.  The only theme I stick to whenever I’ve had to communicate with her is “I feel so sorry for everyone around you. You and I both know you’re a sociopath.”  So I stick to that as opposed to trying to elicit anything from her.  I can’t trust anything she says and I can’t trust what she does with anything I say either.

I can’t help but wonder if she is concerned about her sociopathy (psychopathy) being exposed by me.  Maybe psychopaths don’t even care who knows they’re psychopaths?   Since I tweaked about her doing it to her younger daughter, she’s managed to put that daughter off ever contacting me, which is such a shame because Pamela and I were really, really close. My sister doesn’t want her getting wind of my claims.

Seeking advice

I’ve contacted all manner of psychiatrists to get advice as to how best to deal with my sister.  I haven’t had anyone come forward with anything yet.  My gut instincts tell me not to display victim mentality around them.  Remain as unemotional as they are when in their presence.  What do you think?

Kind regards,
“Arabella”


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18 Comments on "LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: I have NO family now, my sister has turned them all against me"

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I haven’t read all of the comments so forgive me if I repeat someone else’s advice.
I would suggest distancing yourself from your sister and anyone who judges you negatively. There is no need to tell her you plan to stay away, just do it. If you inform her you are going to distance yourself from her, she can and probably will tell everyone she can about it in order to turn them against you.
In my life, I have just distanced myself from anyone who attempts to bring me down. I have chosen happiness and have no room for negative people in my life. I’m done attempting to please people who insist on being miserable. I’m much happier and feel the weight of trying to please these people has been lifted.

1000+

Arabella,

I have noticed in so many of my friends a belief that you must keep your family in your life at all costs because they are, after all, your family. “Blood is thicker than water” etc. This belief – or whatever your own version of that is – is causing you great harm. Your sister is obviously not good for you. It doesn’t matter what her diagnosis is – whether she’s a sociopath or just has a really malignant sibling rivalry with you. Let her go. She is not meant to be in your life, and she doesn’t deserve to be.

My mother (who is deceased) and my only sibling – my sister – both were cruel and jealous throughout my life. I always loved them, but when I tried to have close personal relationships with them, I was severely depressed. Eventually, I had to find the distance that allowed me to still express love for them (and receive whatever love they had to give, if any) without feeling destroyed. For my mother, that was sending her a mother’s day gift or card every year. For my sister, we send birthday gifts. That’s it. I wish I could have been closer to both of them. Sometimes I dream at night that we are all three close and connected. I wake from those dreams and feel very sad. Grief and loss and having things not be the way we wish they could be is all part of being human. Fortunately, we can bond with other people or with our pets in ways that are healthy and fulfilling.

For those of us who had shit for families, there will be a tendency to feel sorry for ourselves, like we are missing out on something. I am changing this tendency in my advanced years. When someone asks me if I miss having a family, I tell them that the whole world is my family. And then I treat people everywhere I go like they are actually my family. This is one of the reasons I like to travel. People in certain other cultures are like that, too. You meet them once, and you have a friend for life. I try to be grateful for the relationships I DO have in my life. There is love all around. There is family everywhere. But if your energy is tied up with unhealthy relationships, you will not be free to experience this.

I still hold my sister with love in my thoughts. I remain open to the possibility of change. But until then, I keep a healthy distance.

My reply to the comment people make about “blood being thicker than water” Is “so is urine”.

We are not obliged to have un-judgemental or destructive relationships with relatives. Murders and other forms of violence are most common amongst relatives and those connected to you. Do not feel guilty if you distance yourself from destructive people – no matter who they are. Remember also – decent people will keep their distance from you if you are involved with people they see as destructive or even dangerous.

Seek out positive activities and people, but be wary of the “wolves in sheep’s clothing”.

Bobbie – you said something really important that is worth repeating: “Remember also ”“ decent people will keep their distance from you if you are involved with people they see as destructive or even dangerous.”

You need to break free of the control of the sociopath in order to attract healthier people into your life. It is a catch 22 to stay emotionally connected to a sociopath and then wonder why you can’t meet anyone better.

The most important point I forgot to mention….that void that is left when we have to disown our families can come from ourselves. We can give ourselves the love we wish we’d gotten from them. We can choose to be different from them. We don’t have to beat ourselves up and treat ourselves the way they do. We can be kind and loving to ourselves. When we do that, we break the cycle of abuse in our families. Sometimes those cycles can go back generations.

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