Editor’s note: Joyce M. Short is the author of a just released book, “Carnal Abuse by Deceit.” The book chronicles her life with a predator, the subsequent aftermath and her road to recovery. It also provides advice for victims and their supporters, and discusses the issues surrounding criminalization of rape-by-fraud.
By Joyce M. Short
“No Contact” Is the First Step, But Not the Last!
The concept of NO CONTACT enables us to distance ourselves from harm, and regain emotional balance. But it’s not all we need to do. We need to come to grips with the real injury that we’ve endured in order to cope with our losses. Partially in an effort to cope with mine, I wrote my book, Carnal Abuse by Deceit How a Predator’s Lies Became Rape.
Most of us think of rape as an act of physical assault. But the assault, itself, is not the only harm, and is not necessarily present in all forms of rape. We can be raped by lies, fraud and deceit. We can be raped by dates who overcome our consent with drugs or alcohol. We can be raped by not being the age of consent when sexual intercourse takes place. We can be coerced into sexual intercourse by concern over possible harm to another if we don’t cooperate. What all these forms of rape have in common is that there is no direct force applied, but our sexual sanctity was breached without “knowing consent.”
The stories I’ve read of most LoveFraud participants expose their experience with either emotional rape or rape by fraud. We were defrauded of our highest emotion, which is love, (emotional rape) and some of us were fooled by fraudulent identity information of the predator who entered our lives, (rape by fraud). As a result, many of us were locked into a relationship known as a Betrayal Bond, which made walking away very difficult. On-lookers who were not faced with the same neurologically induced connection to the predator may have been bewildered by our interest in remaining in the relationship. And because these predators were such believable “con artists,” we may not have received support from people close to us who were fooled as well. My own mother was taken in by the man who defiled me.
I’ve written Carnal Abuse by Deceit — How a Predator’s Lies Became Rape, (CAD) in order to accomplish a few things I feel are important. The first is to mainstream the concept of the crime itself, and enable society to understand that the behavior is, in fact, a crime. Another is to establish that there really are people who cannot be, and should not be, trusted in the world. They are morally disordered and no amount of love or caring will fix them. The third is to provide a path that I sincerely hope will bring relief to others who struggle to recover from the devastation that occurred in their lives, and free themselves from ongoing sorrow.
Hello HanaleiMoon and onmyown,
When I start to post I am almost hesitant as I wonder if anyone can relate to my hurt and then….I see so many people who have the same story. It is almost sureal as our stories are so similiar. I take each day at a time and just hearing your stories makes me feel like I am not alone in this horrible fight for my life back. To feel whole again. Thank goodness for this site as sometimes all I can do is read and keep taking baby steps to recovery.
I am thankful for this site and realizing others understand too…certainly not one person in my life did or does, with the exception of my therapist. Finding out that others have walked in my shoes and yes, that the stories are so similar, was really the turning point in my healing. It is a sad reality that for the most part, people who haven’t gone through it can’t understand it, and makes this a very lonesome road to travel. It really is surreal that the techniques these monsters use seem to be right out of a handbook.
NOONE understands this phenomenon BUT US, THE VICTIMS
My family is moronic. I have told them again and again about the horror of emotional abuse that occurred in our upbringing (I had it the worst). The tragedy and outrage at having pathological narcissists for parents. The grandmother was a horror show. My older sister is the most clueless of my siblings.
She even tries to negate what I have told her and runs like Hell to the other siblings when I tell her the actual truth.
My husband had a ruptured aortic aneurysm and is lucky to be living now. I blocked my older sib’s phone number (and my younger sister’s). Older sib called in a panic to my husband saying that she could not reach me. She threatened to call the police. Last time I checked it is not a crime to block someone’s number. My husband took it in stride and merely said (calmly): “Anne, I have 80 staples in my body, from my neck to my groin. I cannot cope with this right now.”
Anne needs help but will never realize it. I have decided to ‘go along to get along’ but only at rare times. It is a sad situation.
I had similar family problems. Had tried everything.my son started to be affected by their behaviour so I had to make a stand. I stopped all contact for two years. I figured that BY taking away their scapegoat ,they would be forced to change.it worked with my parents. We had a few arguments but I stuck to my truth and they respect me now.still don’t talk to sos and bro on law but at least I’m not taking their crap behaviour anymore.
How the sociopath works:
When the communications begin, it’s all about “reading” the targets’ vulnerabilities and strengths. They are predators on the hunt for new meat.
The strengths: self-esteem, financial independence, career, empathy, kindness, and all of the rest are assessed.
Vulnerabilities: bad breakup, broken heart, abuse survivor, trust issues, and the lot are also assessed. They dissect our humanity with surgical precision and their methods do not vary from one sociopath to the next.
First, it’s lovebombing ”“ urgent, instant soulmates, and declarations of love. If they see that their targets are responding, then they throw in the need for pity ”“ they lost their job, got reamed in a divorce, have cancer, and any other financial, emotional, medical, or spiritual ploy that they can concoct to generate pity. When THAT works, then comes the use and abuse”the gaslighting, the stonewalling, the withold/reward, and all of the rest of the socipathic games.
Michael Langone, PhD has compiled a list of cult victim traits that are similar to the traits of abuse victims. And this is what the spath looks for in his next victim, the similar traits are:
• Dependency. An intense desire for a sense of belonging, approval, acceptance and a fear of being alone.
• Unassertiveness. Non-confrontational, people-pleasers who are reluctant to question authority.
• Gullibility. A willingness to believe what another person says without critically thinking it through or challenging it.
• Naive Idealism. The belief that everyone is good has some redeeming quality or can change for the better.
• Desire for Spiritual Meaning. The belief that life has a “higher purpose” or that everything happens for a reason. Sometimes people are just abusive jerks and there’s no deeper meaning attached to it, but good targets keep searching for it despite all evidence to the contrary.
Wow that is spot on
from The Silver Chair, CS Lewis
~~Unlike the other 3, (the Prince) seemed to be almost enjoying himself. He whistled as he rode, and sang snatches of an old song of Archenland. The truth is, he was so glad at being free from his long enchantment that all dangers seemed a game in comparison. But the rest found it an eerie journey.~~
i thot, as reading this aloud to my kids today”YES! it was like an enchantment!
~~“It is more than ten years since your Highness was lost in the woods at the north side of Narnia.”
“Ten years!” the Prince said, drawing his hand across his face as if to rub away the past. “Yes, I can believe you. For now that I am myself I can remember that enchanted life, though while I was enchanted I could not remember my true self.~~
ah yes, losing me was the worst spell of all that he wove. i am remembering me now.
”and i like me.
then I read this, a few pages later, about another creature tortured for yrs in enchantment:
~~“You see, we’re all poor gnomes from Bism whom the Witch has called up here by magic to work for her. But we’d forgotten all about it till that crash came and the spell broke. We didn’t know who we were or where we belonged. We couldn’t do anything, or think anything, except what she put into our heads all those years. And it was glum and gloomy things she put there all those years. I’ve nearly forgotten how to make a joke or dance a jig.”~~
YES YES YES
I can choose to be happy. I can even CHOOSE happiness. It’s a choice for me now. WOW
and darn’t, u know what? I am happy. Quite, lately.
Sick@heart-
The most telling character of a person who can be victimized by a sociopath, is “affective” empathy. Affective empathy provides the person with unconditional love, the love of forgiveness. It enables them to develop a moral code of commitment. That moral code, and the underlying ability to feel affective empathy are what make a person susceptible to a predator.
Unless a person is totally paranoid, every human being is trusting to a point that a predator can pounce. Trust is what makes us all social beings. Someone who is defending a predator might use the negative connotation of “gullible” and “naive” instead of acknowledging that the predator violated the trust of their victim.
Some predators will seek out prey that is dependent with a desire for spiritual meaning. But even people who are none of that will not be spared.
The predator can tell whether you’re an empathetic person in a heartbeat. They can easily determine how morally committed you are to your loved ones. In the first 10 minutes of knowing you, they’ll get all the information they need to know as to whether or not you’ll be a good “mark.”
If they think you are, and if they’re shopping, or if they sense a specific gain to be had by pursuing you, they’ll spend the next 10 minutes trying to raise your oxytocin level with their charm. The hand on your arm, the gaze into your eyes, the “affection speak” is all about building your trust.
It’s the twisted gain in the predator’s sense of you that motivates them. And for some predators, the bigger the challenge you are, the more they are stimulated to go after you.
We need to stop letting the world tell us that we had inherent flaws that made us susceptible. We need to collectively recognize “blame the victim” speak when we hear it.
It doesn’t take “weakness” to become victimized. It takes a disordered predator adept in misusing the social chemistry of another to derive ill gotten gain.
Joyce
the very first night I was with this pig, we were drinking, listening to music and kissing. He stopped and said “put your head on my shoulder, I just want to hold you”. I said…What? He repeated…….so I did and he held me and said, “no mater what, I don’t ever want to loose this”. I remember thinking it was kind of odd but it apparently wasn’t odd enough for me to run for my life!! It was the first of SO many times he held me……I was so hooked.
yeah, intensity, lovebombing is the way they hook u. its inappropriate commitment, too early on. like the FIRST Night lol
i had it thrown at me the next early morning in a txt, after our first date…when can i see u again? then that nite when we got together again, he looked at me and said so would you commit to just dating me? I don’t date more than one person at a time so I dont want u too either. I was like, well, i dont really know you but i guess i can think about it. i was actually trying to date several so i wudnt get drawn into anyone too quickly and could get the pick of the crop lol
well in the next week, i was gone. i was his.
i should have run instead of being so damn flattered by that txt. I KNEW it was wrong of him to expect me to only date him after 2 dates.
I still did it lol
When I say I was hooked,,,,,,it’s more like the seed was planted maybe. I saw the red flags no doubt. I remember the next day he texted me repeatedly during his work day. So, I knew that was a red flag but here’s where the biggest problem comes in………..I did NOT know that the red flags meant he was a psychopathic manipulative predator! How could I? I’d never dated one before,,,,,,
It all makes sense to me NOW, but it did not compute into the same equasion then.
toallylost,
just read your post and I can relate to almost everything! The tears and my entire body ached for weeks after what happened to me. I found it so hard to believe that a person could do this and without any remorse….I have had no contact since Nov and I tossed everything that reminded me of him. Even dresses that I wore for special events ….all of it in the trash. I did nothing for 8 weeks….just put one foot in front of the other and went through the motions of living. I am starting to go to the gym and getting out and this has helped me to move forward as I cannot let that “piece of crap” win. He destroyed me…..for a time…and now it’s time to get up and move on. I read here everyday as this give me strength and brings me to reality every time I get weak.
there is one thing that I question and that is the Saint/Whore syndrome that I am reading these spaths go through. I think this applies to me as he would not have sex with me for weeks or months and then apologize to me and say he was not really interested in that. Yet he would be having one night stands and engage in risky sex for 2 or 3 months then drop these women. When we did have sex he would always call me his whore? Does anyone have any information on what this means or why they do this?
to keep you at bay. to make sure he doesnt connect. he had meaningless sex with other women and wanted it to be meaningless with you too. in order to abuse another person you have to see them as objects, not ppl. there can be no bond or potential of a bond and sex is HIGHLY bonding. if he had any fear of feeling emotions, he would make sure that wall stayed brickhard.
if you were a whore he used (or more aptly, didnt use) at will, he can stay emotionalless and in control.
he is a piece of crap, hon. you are starting to see this. You Are Right. ~hugs~
It’s most assuredly not just emotional rape it is physical rape. I was having sex with and pleasuring a complete stranger, as I now see him. I shared my heart, home, body and more with someone he really isn’t, all under the guise of false undying love. He is nothing but a dark dirty hole…..spathhole. If I really knew him then I wouldn’t have been with someone I’m afraid of now.
Dorothy-
Some states actually do prosecute rape by fraud. None of them prosecute emotional rape. The difference is that one is seen as theft of your highest emotion, which is love. The other is seen as an actual violation of “knowing consent” to gain sexual access. If you let me know what state you live in and how long ago the circumstance goes back, I might be able to give you some guidance.
You could also take a look on my blog, http://www.CADalert.blogspot.com, under the information on states.
Joyce
Joyce, Maybe we could speak? Could Donna do and introduction with our emails? I’d rather not disclose my State of residence here. Not that it matters at this point! LOL! i’ve certainly painted a pretty clear picture of Spathtard..if he happened upon the site. BUT……they ARE all so similar!!
Anyhow, if you are up for email contact I’m game. I’ll let Donna know that it’s ok on my end.
Strange how at first we laughed about the name calling and he said it was just “fun and games” now after all his lies and cheating I realize to him he meant it. He once told me that ”.”he would have sex with me as long as I know”that he did not love me—.again”.he stated that was a joke”he said he wanted to see my reaction—I look back now and realize that he was telling me the truth in his own sick way.
The fifth edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM V) tells us why. It says basically that a Narcissist’s ability to experience intimacy is impaired. Narcissists fear intimacy. It causes them immense anxiety. They run from it, because they can never show anyone their true selves. Their whole persona is a mirage, a construct that they have created. Their entire self-esteem is based on how they are perceived by others ”“ not who they truly are. So every time you get too close ”“ they run. What they are suffering from is an intimacy disorder, so they will always keep you at a distance.