Editor’s note: This story was written by a reader whom we’ll call “Carlotta.”
My story began rather sad. I met the P when I was almost 15.
I am 22 now and had dated this man for seven years in a secret relationship that no one knew about. At that time (seven years ago), he was married for a year and was a pastor of a church.
He began using his authority to get close to me and hang out with him more and one day approached me and told me that he is attracted to me and loves me, also mentioning that he feels so loved by me and no one else.
He said his wife had cheated on him with someone else and he receives no love from her whatever and really loves me. I was confused at the time but he charmed me away and I let all my guards down. He made me feel like I was on the top of the world.
He would constantly lie to me about himself and his wife ALL the time in regards to the fact that he was not sleeping with her and was disgusted by her every time he saw her because she had cheated on him.
He would take me out and always try to have sex with me but I somehow always held him off but one day I let loose because he kept asking me to trust him and that he really loves me, will leave his wife and marry me.
He stopped all of my communication with my extended family and friends. He went into my Facebook, gmail and all my chats and changed passwords claiming my friends not being good people and non-Christians and I should have good friends and that the people in our church were the only real people. I lost touch with ALL of them!
I know he was lying to me somewhere deep down inside but I chose to ignore that side of the truth being so overwhelmed by his charming nature and acts of love that he displayed toward me. He would tell me things I wanted to hear. At that time I was struggling with low self esteem and he always said sweet things to me that made me feel better about myself (not knowing it was all to hook me into his trap).
He would always publicly humiliate me in front of people to make himself feel superior and have rage attacks in the car whenever I would bring up any topic about his wife or something that he did not want to talk about or unable to face. He would yell, scream and call me horrible names including the C word. and there were times when he would be extremely loving and want to have sex or go to a hotel.
I always told him that he was only nice to me when he wanted to have sex! He always denied it saying that did not really matter to him.
One of the times we were driving to a restaurant when I read a text he had sent someone that he needed to speak about me (as he suspected I spoke to someone about our secret relationship which I was STRICTLY asked to keep secret by him or else everyone would find out and we cannot be together anymore), he had told me that person contacted him and wanted to meet him and speak about how weird I was acting when it was him wanting to save his ass by speaking crap about me.
When I questioned him about the text message, he yelled, screamed and said we’re going home and how I always keep ruining everything and have an excessive doubting problem when he’s only saying the truth.
I ended up apologizing because he put the entire blame on me and made me feel like the mad person!
A few years went by and we found out that his wife had had 3 more affairs and finally eloped with another man. She accused him of being physically, emotionally and verbally abusive. She also accused him of rape and extreme domestic violence.
He is extremely good in speaking people out of things and twisting things so good by making the other person look like the villain. He turned the whole story around at her and convinced everyone to believe it was her who had a problem, hence the affairs and hence the run-away act! Those few who believed her and saw him for who he really was became bad people and he always spoke ill of them and brought them down in ALL of his conversations.
He told me, “finally she’s gone and we can be together”. I was very confused in all of this but he brainwashed me SO GOOD and tricked me into believing every word of his was true!
I started to work when I was 19 and he did not like that at all as I was not always under his nose and would be going to work in the day. He would yell, scream and abuse me for it but I had no choice and had to pay my tuition. When the money started to roll in, he used me to pay his bills, his movie tickets, made me pay one installment for his luxurious car, hotel bills and completely saturated me off all the money I had.
Whenever I would get upset, he would put the entire blame on me and make me look like the bad guy and I would always end up apologizing thinking I was losing out on something great! He would also lie to me and tell me he is collecting money for an orphanage and use it for buying stuff for himself!
Suddenly I saw signs of him getting flirtations with one of the girls who I had brought to church, she used to work with me earlier and was someone I associated with only with work related things. She was very soft spoken, very quiet, calm and a good girl. Not a very loud, fun loving personality like me.
I suddenly felt him getting flirty with this girl and wanting her to come for all our hangouts, when I asked him he says , “Oh come on, I’m just being a father to them and taking care of them, just let me do what God wants me to do, you know I love you and that I am so attracted to you.”
We went to a few hotels after and had sex.
Suddenly in one of our fights he brought up something about this girl and said that she had called him confessing she had a crush on him and wants to see if anything could work out between them. I got jealous and he says, “Oh i was just joking to see your reaction!”
After 2 months passed, he came to me and told me he needed a break and was suddenly getting very rude and mean.
I felt mistreated, used and abused.
I went crying to him asking him if he was having an affair and if he really loved me? He said oh yes, of course I do.
I wanted to tell you that what we’re doing is so sinful and I should stay away from him and this relationship and leave it to God and repent. I thought he was honestly seeking repentance because we had slept together before marriage. I asked him if he was really going to marry me and he said “Well ask me if I want to, of course I want to, but we will leave the rest to God.”
I took that as something true and after two weeks he tells me that he wants to break up!
I was DEVASTATED, like my whole world fell apart!
He told me that it was me and my lies and how I always treated people badly and how I pushed him away these few months and he wants to move on and find someone else who really, really loves him etc.
I did not know what was happening to me, people around me thought I was delusional, I was going through PTSD.
The next day I see him extremely flirting with the same girl he spoke about earlier, after a week and a half he got engaged to her and in the next two months is getting married to her.
All this time, our relationship was kept a secret. I would call him just after the break up and ask him why he did this, he would always say “I was always faithful, I always told you the truth, I never lied to you, It was YOU who did this, YOU who pushed me away and YOU who did not know how to stay humble and treat people right”.
This was completely bullocks and at that point I felt completely guilty thinking I have let this slip out of my hands and have lost someone so precious and the love of my life.
I could’nt keep away from him – I kept calling him and he kept calling me psycho and desperate and saying “Can you stop begging and move on” he would also call and abuse me when he would feel that I was speaking to someone about our relationship/affair which was supposed to be kept completely secret. I found out later he has NOT spoken anything to his new fiancée about us, about me or the affair.
He simply labeled me as the girl who has a severe crush on him and cannot stand him being with someone else.
Not calling him was like a withdrawal symptom. I did not know what happened to me, I couldn’t keep away from him. I needed a dose of the drug, whatever it was we were speaking about – did not matter.
He would keep calling me initially for useless things to keep an eye on me – things which I would completely forget about and insisted on meeting me and speaking to me and would tell me things like “why can’t we just be friends? I really like you and you will always be that special person for me, but now I really love this other girl and I want to be able to speak my joys and sorrows with you etc.”
He purposely initiated a forced surprise party at my house on my birthday to apparently show fake affection toward me so that I don’t leave the church and people get suspicious of our hidden relationship.
I finally decided I couldn’t take it anymore and flew to see my family in India.
When I was here, I contacted his ex-wife who had eloped and accused him of these things. She spoke truthfully to me saying when she would speak to someone about him, he would find out and grab her by the hair, drag her out of the car, choke her in the lift, take her into the room, belt her and rape her afterward.
He would very often have car rages when he would drive the car so fast and threaten to run into a wall or bash into another car and drive like a maniac! – He used to steal the church money to pay his bills on movies, expensive T-shirts etc.
He would be addicted to porn and have tissues scattered under the bed and in the dustbin.
I later connected everything she said and it did make sense. Even though I did not live with him, I have seen bunch of tissues several times in the dust bin and around the computer in the mornings when I would visit him.
He had also hit me many times last year and before when we would have an argument and speak about someone he very crucially defended or his friend or raise a topic about his wife and him sleeping with her. I told him I would leave him if he ever did that again and he did not after last year.
After every incident he would sleep with me or take me out on dates and be extra loving and affectionate that I would completely forget about what he had done that was completely wrong.
He severally manipulated me into thinking he loved me and that he fought for this relationship and I let it go and continued saying he wants to do it right with his new girl and our relationship was only a mistake and the one before mine and that he will not repeat the same mistakes again.
Even when I travelled, he would call me and cry on the phone to cover his tracks and not to get in touch with his ex-wife as she would ruin him and me but I did not care anymore and exposed him to a few key people in our church after which he got extremely defensive and continued bad mouthing me and telling everyone how much of a horrible person, liar, and delusional psychopath I am.
I have seen a therapist and looking into this blog has really helped me self-reflect and know what kind of a person he really is. He is the worst man I could ever possibly want to be with.
I am still healing and after he got exposed about two weeks ago – I have started NO Contact which has really, really helped me.
I will be flying back soon and still maintain NC. His thoughts keep coming up and initially it was SO hard to keep away from the phone and calling him but now, I do-not have that urge. I want to get him out of my mind and my sight. People tell me I am lucky to be free from his clutches.
Carlotta – what this man did was despicable. The fact that he is a pastor makes it even worse, because it adds another layer of betrayal – spiritual betrayal – to what he did.
In his book “The Betrayal Bond,” author Patrick J. Carnes, Ph.D., writes:
“It is generally agreed that the impact on survivors of sexual abuse by spiritual leaders is greater than survivors of other forms of power abuse. Since part of coping with trauma is spiritual, sexual abuse by a spiritual leader further complicates the recovery process. Barbara McLaughlin found that as a result of their abuse, victims do not attend church or synagogue and their ability to trust church officials (and God) is impaired or permanently damaged. She suggests further that the victim’s relationship with god may cease to grow developmentally because of the abuse. The victim remains frozen spiritually to the time when the abuse occurred.”
Please understand that you have suffered a great trauma. It will take time and patience with yourself to recover.
Dear Donna,
This article is rather sad and showcases what levels these narcs would go to and where we could find them. How do you think this Pastor mentioned here would end up? Would you think he would repeat the same cycle with the new bait? I had a similar experience as the one mentioned above and I was devastated for months!
Soulsister – I have heard of many cases of pastors and other so-called religious and spiritual leaders who are sexual predators. Usually they just keep doing it.
Carlotta, my heart goes out to you for what you endured at the hands of this evil child molester. What sadden me so much is that fact you were so young and at the age that you should have had your first healthy crush with a boy your age instead this sociopath perpetrator manipulated you with his lying words and then controlled you with more lying words, intimidation, isolation and abuse to stay in this very abusive relationship with him.
I also want to tell you that you are incredible brave to come here to tell your story and have incredible courage and strength to survive what you did.
I read your post a few days ago but did not know what to say to you (still not sure I do) but I want you to know that very day I read your post I watched CNN’s new show called “The Hunt with John Walsh” and there was a story exactly like your own….and what John Walsh stated is that when a grown man targets young underage girls he is a pedophile child molester and it’s considered sexually assaulted and rape (not an affair or dating) so I hope with the help from a extremely knowledge child abuse counselor you can reframe what happened to you…
I know it’s scary to go there in your mind but in the long run it will be the best way for you to heal from all the trauma that you endured from this evil man. You might be able to go to CNN.com and watch this very show as I think it will really help you to know that you are not alone in your pain (the show interviewed the victims of the abusive paster on this very show) or if you cant find it normally they re-run the last week show on the following Saturday or sunday so check CNN’s schedule.
I looked online to find a hotline specializing in child abuse and here is a few things that I came up with
1) The National missing and exploited children website missingkids.com/home 800-843-5678 (USA). This is the site that you can talk with someone to decide if you want to go to the police or not and this is a site that can give you good resource such as support groups and counseling centers that would best fit your needs in your area. They can also help you with a restraining order against this evil man. John Walsh is on the board of this wonderful organization.
2) National Domestic violence hotline 800-799-SAFE (SUA) to talk with a free counselor where they can direct you to the best help in your area. They also have local women support group meetings that will help you to have contact with other victims of abuse.
What ever you do dont heal alone there is so much support for you. It’s easy at a young age to feel uncomfortable to reach out for help but I can tell you that it will be the best gift you ever gave yourself at your age now.
I noticed that you stated that he was “exposed two weeks ago”, does this mean that the police got involved and arrested him? If not this might be something you would want to do = go to the police as abuse victims find that not only do the feel safe but they feel like they have their power back by getting their abuser arrested for the crimes he committed against them.
If you are not sure about this direction talk with the National missing and exploited hotline for advise and direction in this area. If you are to scared to do this now or want to heal first then at least check into how long you have to file charges against him if you decide to do so at a later date (there is usually a number of years limit to filing charges). I want you also to know that it is a statistical fact that child molesters dont stop with one victims they can have as many has 100 victims in their life time and my guess is this evil man is no different then what the statistics indicate.
Like you stated the No Contact rule is the only way to get away from a evil sociopath. Have your friends/family read up on this rule too and have them also follow this rule as these abusers will typically attempt to convenes the family/friends into helping the victims get back with them. Change your phone number, email to prevent him from contacting you again.
Wishing you all the best for your healing journey and your bright future that lies a head of you!
Take care
Great comments from Donna and Jan7. Both sets of comments are true in my experience; once a Spath — ALWAYS a Spath.
I wanted to emphasize what Jan7 stated about NC and how important it is for you to ask all of your family and friends to honor and respect your decision in this area. Do not get trapped into believing you must defend your decision or tell them your story as it will be highly likely they will not understand. No matter your age, you do have a right to your privacy regarding the details – and need it – in order to move forward in life.
My suggestion is this: keep it all very simple with family and friends. I did not and it all became a he said, she said word battle. I’ve learned not to entertain the slightest question or comment about the Spath. To the point of saying, “I don’t know and truly do not care.” This has effectively stopped all the chatter around me. Everyone is welcome to chatter amongst themselves, just not around me as it is unhealthy for me.
Advise family and friends that this person is unsafe, you are not at liberty to go into the details, and for your personal well-being and safety please do not have any contact with him or tell him Anything about you from this day forward. Not even the slightest of comment is to be made. Literally behave as if he is not there as you are planning to do going forward. It’s really ok if they don’t understand and ask a lot of questions. Just take a deep breath and repeat yourself calmly a few more times and they will stop. This is the new you taking control of your new life.
They only need to understand that having any contact with him, no matter how minimal, places you in an unhealthy and potentially unsafe situation. Anyone who does not honor this should be added to your NC list. I’m almost sure that may sound harsh to you, however; any leak in contact can cause you to have to deal with him again as this has been a typical pattern for every Spath I have come into contact with or heard about through someone else’s experience.
Although your experience has been awful, especially at such a young age, know how very fortunate you are to have never married this individual nor had any children with him. Also, know once you heal from this experience, loose all the guilt associated with it, that you will be a very wise woman going forward and enjoy a wonderful life. Learn from your experience, choose differently in the future, and you will be well.
It appears you have already begun to help others as a result of your experience. It is in doing this you will put the shattered pieces of your life back together. Tell your story to other teen and pre-teen groups, speak at school assembles and even more importantly to other church youth groups. You are a qualified speaker by experience! Do these things to help yourself heal, re-socialize and to empower others with knowledge to protect themselves from other predators and Spaths.
Keep holding your chin up high and walking forward. With every step forward the negatives of the is experience are put further and further behind you.
You are so brave. More than you know. Congratulations to you for walking away and entering the NC zone. Everyone I know that has completely done this, including myself, has never regretted it. They’ve only regretted every time they re-opened those doors…every single time.
Know you don’t have to journey this path alone. Everyone who has been through it is here to support you. I made the mistake of believing I was all alone in it until I found this website. Now, I tell everyone I meet about it because this is an experience most feel shame for and suffer in silence. No one has to.
I wish you the very best of everything there is in life and living. I am happy you found out about and are benefitting from LoveFraud.com.
Thank you for sharing your story! And three cheers to you for entering the NC Zone!! Great decision!!!
P.S. Thank you Jan7 for all the great website information available out there. I’m adding those sites and phone numbers into my contacts file.
Dear All, Its hard to come out like this but I am Carlotta. Thank you @Jan 7 @Wini and @Me2 for your comments and especially for the website which helped me see that there are people out there who have been through the same thing as I have even if it was not in the same country. I reside in the middle east, a place where christianity is so rare.
@Jan7 when i said he got exposed I meant i spoke to the elders of the church about what he had done, at least an American couple who flash to have such knowledge about God and how they must cut off evil etc etc and they’re missionaries, Bible scholars and teachers.. I showed them emails, text messages and whatsapps and to my surprise they went on to protect him and did-not heed to anything I had said or took it seriously. I think one of the reasons would be that my SPATH had sponsored them with a Visa etc and them going against him would be like going back home! There were loads of politics going around. I was never heard, never acknowledged even though they asked him to step down “a stunt” to prove to everyone how holy he is, he is still engaged and to marry his new target next month.
The Missionary couple would take all information from me about my whereabouts and give them to Mr SPATH but would never give me any information of his. they were all in this game. SPATH now says he wants to be faithful to his new wife and like a normal and happy life with kids etc.
They still run around with God’s banner and preach in his name. They are the real Anti-Christ.
It sounds like these people should be added to your NC list as they are operating in his behalf and lack a conscience just as Spaths do. i cannot urge you enough to turn away from all of them and go your own new direction without any them or they will continually draw you back into their very unhealthy game.
In my experience the church did nothing as they were more concerned about their reputation and the Spath convinced everyone I was lying, unstable, and having a nervous breakdown, none of which were true. Spaths are master manipulators as you have learned, they are cowards and bullies who prey upon the innocent and nieve.
Again, as hurtful as this experience has been, Face Forward and don’t look back. You have lost nothing as it was all fake anyway. They said whatever it took to tickle your ears and take whatever they wanted. Fortunately, not all churches behave this way. Look for a church that has “Recovery Programs” for addictions and learn the 12 Steps. In focusing on learning, rather than the people, you will find new strength and self understanding about what choices you made along the way. Learning this will help you avoid befriending Spaths in the future.
One has to retrain their brain not to be concerned about what these people say or do. …it only matters if you let it. Don’t let it. Go another direction sooner than later.
Good luck and God Bless.
soulsister – sociopaths are masters of getting other people to do their dirty work. You now see the truth about everyone in the church. As Me2 advises, turn away from all of them.
BTW – what the pastor did was a crime. You were under age and he was in a position of authority. He could be convicted of molesting a child.
@DonnaAndersen YES! He’s got people wrapped around his finger pretty good. Everyone seems to be moving at his beat. He managed to get one of my employees to quit and walk out threatening to charge me and holding on to his passport to abscond – I will deal with that legally. but I’m shocked to what extent he has gone in getting his way. He even threatened me by our relationship to get me to sponsor one of the people he brought here for church purposes. Its horrid how he got me to do things for him which were not right at all.
He manipulated at such an extent that his ex- mother in-law showers him with gifts while abandoning her own daughter who strives to make a fortune after being abused and beaten by him that she has nightmares an ends up vomiting in the mornings. as someone mentioned, I am luck to now have associated with him in marriage or have any kids with him. He would be a terror to me.
He went so far to make his ex-wife look like an adulteress and a slut who ran away with a man while he was having fun molesting and raping me. He never got close to anyone else… but always mentioned to me that he liked young girls.. He is marrying a girl whose 23 and I am 22.. His ex-wife is 28 now and he married her when she was 19. He is 33 years old now.. born in 1981..
I am so sorry for what you experienced. You’ve gotten some good advice from others here.
When you stop having contact with him and with anyone associated with that church, you will begin to think clearer and see things in a more balanced way. Do you have a counselor you can talk to? That church is corrupt and evil. It is a crime for him to be stealing church money and using it for personal purposes. The church could lose its non profit status and he could be convicted. Hitting you is assault. I don’t know what the statute of limitations is where you are, but that is another crime he could be convicted of. Depending on how old you were when he had sex with you and where you live, it could be statutory rape.
This guy sounds like a high level powerful psychopath, a pathological liar, and a pedophile. It may or may not be in your best interest to pursue reporting him for the crimes he committed that you are aware of. If there is a Women’s Shelter where you live, that is a good place to start to get advice and help. You could also speak to the District Attorney or Public Defender or Commonwealth’s Attorney (depending on where you live) about all these issues and get some advice.
You will gradually get to feeling better, but it will take awhile. He will keep doing what he has been doing, the cycle will repeat. It is likely that everything he told you about his previous ex wife is a lie. It is possible that he has done bad things that you don’t know about. If he feels threatened by you, he may pose a danger to you. Be careful, take care of yourself, and keep yourself safe.
He did not give you a normal relationship, and he is not a normal minister of God. There are good people and good churches in the world. I pray that you will escape this nightmare, recover, and find good things and good people.
I meant to say she strives to make a living after moving to another country, leaving everything behind. and I am lucky to Not have associated with him in marriage.