Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following story from a reader whom we’ll call Marianne22. She married a psychopath while he was in jail.
Met my psychopath (clinically diagnosed) while working at a correctional institution (shame & stupidity felt even now after 28 years). At this time I didn’t know about his diagnosis.
His indulgent family
After his release it became apparently clear that he came from a family (10) that was privileged and personal needs & wants were met at any expense. Slowly at first I started recognizing behaviors that I began to question but always found excuses to downplay his disappearing games, flirtatious contacts and his never ending personal needs.
Soon I discovered that he had relapsed back to his drug habit which led to him back into the legal system. His parents would come to his rescue every single time forking out $$$$ for attorneys and they would all cry foul play of the judicial system when he would be locked up.
There had been no accountability for his behavior while growing up. He came from an upper class family, private schools, vacations and they were all well liked in the community, but there was no question that my abuser was the child who got all the negative attention.
“Dirty secret” comes out
It wasn’t until after our marriage (8 months later & the marriage performed in jail) that during a stay with his family did the “dirty secret” come out that he had been diagnosed with antisocial personality disorder, narcissist traits and was feared by his brothers and sisters for his emotional & violent out bursts.
Sadly, even after discovering this information I was so attached to him (now I recognize how “love bombing” kept me attached to this relationship. I spent years and years (24) being attached and doing time with my abuser as he continually told me we were soulmates and that we had a special bond like no other (I definitely was swept away with this delusional thinking).
Intervention
My own family tried to intervene and was worried that I was no longer outgoing and had already been slowly but surely isolated from all of them. My abuser saw them as part of the competition for my affection and from prison was using mind control that further alienated from everyone.
Read more: Why we comply with the sociopath’s demands when we know we shouldn’t
The longest period of time that he was not locked up was 3 months. Now out of 24 years, he had been in and out prison at least a dozen times. As long as I was fulfilling his needs (canteen, letters and collect calls) his family had no problems with me. However if I commented how exhausting and unappreciated I felt and that I felt I was being taken advantage of, their guilt trips would be in full force (I now realize that they were his army of flying monkeys).
My career in corrections
During the time he was away I excelled in my career working for corrections and became an administrator over a substance abuse program statewide. I lived in fear every day that my secret life would someday be discovered and everything I worked so hard for would be lost. I shared this feeling with my abuser and sure enough it became his weapon to use against me in order for all of his needs to be met, legal or illegally.
I could go on & on about the betrayal and everything I experienced and I could write a novel. I eventually discovered that he had lined up a few new supplies just in case I got fed up even when he was out.
I sought counseling
Eventually, when I realized I married a psychopath while he was in jail, I went into a live in counseling program for 4 months. Learned about cognitive behavioral therapy, committed to NO CONTACT, learned about boundaries. Upon leaving went into CPTSD therapy with my own healthcare provider, unfortunately it didn’t feel like a good match and I felt really uncomfortable.
I’ve been told I would benefit from EMDR, however the appts are at least 4-6 months out. Still pursuing locating support groups to become more involved to keep moving forward.
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