Editor’s Note: This SPATH Tale was submitted by the Lovefraud reader whom we’ll call “Gerald.”
At age 62, I married a gal I’d been in love with all my life. I’d known her in high school and when I re-connected with her I felt that my two divorces were just dues I had to pay to get “the real thing.”
I told her that marrying her was like winning the lottery for me.
She soon began to manifest some troubling behaviors fabricating supposed cheating incidents that never happened and misunderstanding small incidents. She became hyper-critical of everything I said or did.
The first real clue I had to the nature of the problem was when I mentioned a book I’d read, “The Sociopath Next Door.” I’m an avid non-fiction reader, and had an immediate supervisor I felt was a sociopath. After telling her about it she started implying I was delusional and I thought everyone was a sociopath.
We married after dating for six months and within a few weeks she’d left the house and went to live in a woman’s shelter telling them she was being abused. This was an absolute lie.
While she was there, she’d call me up and tell me she was trying to get some of the other women there interested in a 3-way with us. When she came to visit, her treatment of me varied according to the proximity of my payday.
I felt she was sick, and was doing everything I could to try and help her.
We were living in different cities and when I finally woke up and realized how she was playing me. When I told her on my weekend visit that I had no money that payday for her, she physically assaulted me, sent me to the ER to be treated for some of the cleaning spray she shot me in the eyes with, and then called up the police and told them I had attacked her.
Fortunately they didn’t believe her story.
After our breakup she told all of her friends ( I thought they were my friends too) that I was a drug addict and abusive to her, and that I’d assaulted her and duped the police.
She refused to sign the annulment papers because I was paying for her health insurance and cell phone.
She got about 10 thousand dollars from me and has refused any further contact.
She did contact my daughter and told her many lies about me and tried to turn her against me. (My kids and I were too close for this to have ever happened.)
The foul and blatant way she treated me has left me hurt, angry and in the mood to out her. I contacted one of her ex-friends and got the same story about her. She’d thought they were good friends but found out my ex was attacking her with all of their friends behind her back.
For a long time I felt she was sick and wanted to help her because I’d sworn to love her in sickness and in health.
I still feel like a fool for being blinded by love.
Gerald – I am so sorry for your experience. I have had many, many people tell me that they reconnected with someone from long ago. This person showered them with attention and claimed “I’ve loved you all my life.” As soon as they were hooked, the real personality came out. In reality, the long lost love was a sociopath.
Gerald, same thing happened to me….My highschool love contacted me 25 years later and I just ended 10 years with him. He claimed I was the love of his life and he had never quit thinking about me….He has now left me for someone 23 years younger than him. We built a home together, brought our children and grandchildren together. A lot of people hurt. I knew something was wrong and ignored the flags. He is a full blown sociopath/narc/psycho I’m not sure which one but maybe a combination of all of them. He was evil, a pathological liar and so much more….Hugs to you I know how it all feels.
Social networking has given them the means to track us down. I’ve had two blasts from the past test the waters on Facebook to see if they could reel me back in. Both of them were men I dated 25+ years ago in high school and both ended badly. One of these guys posts a “check in” every Sunday when he and his wife are attending Mass. The other one is recently divorced and blatantly hit on every woman he comes across online – even underage girls. This was all very confusing to me because I was at a very vulnerable period in my life.
My advice is to be very careful of people like this who look you up many years later. I know we’ve all ready the stories of people finding each other again and living happily ever after, but I think this is very rare. It’s far more likely the person who sought you out is a deeply disturbed individual or someone who is trapped in the past. I finally got hold of a clue, and realized they were remembering me fondly as the pushover who was so sweet to them even though they behaved badly.
If you fall into the temptation to give them a chance or even a second chance, pay very close attention to any and all red flags and then cut them loose ASAP.
Gerald
Not that this makes any difference, but she sounds like a person with Borderline Personality Disorder.
Sad and tragic, because unlike Sociopaths, there is much
that can be done for BPD, IF they chose to manage their disorder. In reality, paranoia and chaos dominates. She is Dangerous, as you experienced first hand.
Gerald,
I totally get that feeling, like you hit the ‘love lottery’. I did too. The spath who used me sussed out my yearning for love and ‘forever’. He, of course, was never faithful to anyone his entire life, but admitted to me how ‘ashamed’ he was, and how much he ‘regretted’ some of his past actions.
Boy did I learn how words are only words. They don’t mean a thing if they are being used as weapons, and not tools for honest communication and bridge building.
I am so sorry for how many lies and abuses she perpetrated on you and your kids. I am SO happy you have gotten away from her, and that you no longer have to suffer her lies and slander. It’s a terrible thing when someone tries to ruin us, our reputations, and our happiness. I think, in the end, many of these types would be glad to take our lives, or have us take our own.
The spath I knew told everyone how unfaithful I was, after he slept with at least 7 other women that I know of during the short time I knew him. He told everyone how in love he was with me, but how we just had different values, and how I held him back from reaching his full potential (in some ways true, since his only potential would be to perpetrate abuse on as many people as he possibly can. That takes time and energy that cannot be found if you are focusing too much on one person!).
Welcome to LF, Gerald. This place is a total lifesaver.
Slim
Gerald,
I am so glad you got away!!
Although BDP is more treatable, and the folks with BDP aren’t deliberately trying to
harm, either way a healthy relationship is better!! Plus, to me, some of you ex’s
actions sound too calculated to be BDP, sound more SP as such!!
Because of your story, I am going to recommend a male friend read “Lovefraud”, because
I think he may have tangled with a female SP! Donna is, as you know, endeavouring to
get more stories/info re: female SPs…. who are no less problematic than men with the
disorder IMHO!!
Cat from Canada
(Yep, from the country that let Homolka go free… sigh….)
Gerald,
Gosh, I so feel for you. You’re hurting with a capital “H”. For what it’s worth (Probably, not a lot in the capital “H” stage.), you weren’t a fool… She was.
You did what people do when they fall in love and partner with the loved one: You held out on good faith. Who would go to “bad faith” within months of a marriage? Not the kind of person that you’d want to take a chance on, right?
I think you were rather a quick learner and efficient. I hope you can back to knowing the real you quickly and get back to endeavors that are gratifying and fruitful to you. If you feel wierded out, it’s pretty normal after company with weird. Who sets up three-somes from a shelter? I’m left to wonder how such a conversation ever started…