Editor’s note: The following story was sent by a Lovefraud reader whom we’ll call “Carmella.”
I met him on the job. He has an extensive background, a felon. He was a very hard worker, very charming, charismatic, exuded an excellent work ethic, polite, respectful, and impresses most with all of these qualities but mostly with work ethic. That is what impressed me, plus his intelligence.
I expressed that I hoped he got his life together once he was released because he was too intelligent and hardworking to have allowed himself to get into this trouble. Once I made that statement, it was on.
He was very aggressive in being polite, a gentleman, always there to help me and talk to me. He spent countless hours volunteering to work longer than necessary with me. He gave me a very nice and polite birthday card, not out of line at all.
Friendship and camaraderie ensued. It progressed from there with him calling me Sunshine everyday, talking and joking around.
He started asking me out, asking how old I was, telling me he really wanted to date me. At first I declined, unethical, I informed him he would have to be free and off paper, plus I felt there was too much difference in age, 13 years.
Of course, he explained he had always been attracted to older women. Due to drama of younger women, he had always been drawn to older women.
Time passed and he began to write me letters and pick out songs that reminded him of me. The relationship began to grow and I questioned it each and every day.
He was so sincere about everything. Then he proclaimed his love for me one day out of the blue and kissed me. I was shocked.
LONG STORY HERE but over the course of 9 months it went from very attentive and expressions of love to needing me to run him everywhere so he wouldn’t have to take the bus or ride a bike a few miles.
Then he need someplace to store tools, of course, my home, needing a key so he could get in for tools and be there when I GOT HOME.
He also did minor work on my home, which I must say the quality lacked.
HE HAD HIS HOOKS IN ME.
Once he had established himself as a contractor with the backing and referral of this well established elderly female, he became more and more distant.
I caught him in lies, flirting with clients to the extent at staying at their houses after work was completed, making him late to return for planned dinners with me. He always had excuses; it was their fault, claiming they made him late.
One of these women was an acquaintance of mine. I became very suspicious as he blamed everyone, his workers, his ex.
He was desperate because the store had messed up his material order and now he was in the hole. The job was going to cost him out of his pocket.
To impress upon you how sure he is of himself to snow people, this particular job was for a judge. The elderly lady that backs him referred him to this judge, as she has years of employment within the police department and she is totally enabling him as well as being snowed by him.
He began being late … one evening I had dinner ready and waiting. He didn’t arrive for an hour due to this female client keeping him talking too long.
He rattled on like a child trying to distract a parent from what they had done wrong. I confronted him and he admitted he was attracted to her but he loved me. If he hadn’t been with me, then maybe.
I pressed on, telling him if he wanted her, fine, I won’t play games and he could move on.
He became all puppy dog eyed, almost like he was trying to put on the tears. He even stormed out and then came back as I did not go after him. I told him if he thought I would chase after him, he was crazy. He could move on.
One incident occurred when she drove by my house and he about broke his neck avoiding her stares and had a pure fear expression on his face. On that evening, I expressed that I knew something was going on.
I gave him examples of all the things I had suspicions about. He asked why I was so suddenly insecure and he could not be with someone that did not trust him.
As I became more emotional he STATED IF HE HADNT BEEN WITH ME IT WOULD HAVE BEEN SOMEONE ELSE SO HE WOULDN’T HAVE DATED HER.
LARGE RED FLAG.
He would make me feel guilty if I complained about not having enough time for myself.
He would get angry if I questioned anything. All the while accusing me of not trusting him or telling his workers I was nagging, when, in fact I would be suggesting things he might do to improve his situation or a particular job.
He received a vehicle for a low price for partial payment of a remodel he had done and I, like an idiot, put it in my name and covered insurance for him, as he was not allowed.
I helped him through family members find helpers, someone to drive him. Through them I found out what he was doing.
He was cheating, having a fling with my neighbor, telling lies about me but saying he cared about me and that was why he was with me.
One night he came to my home 2 hours late smelling of alcohol and passed out on my couch. HE DENIED HE HAD BEEN DRINKING.
Earlier in that day he had told me he would be unreachable due to problems with a house taking in water and putting cabinets in this house.
These situations were red flags because his lies were catching up with him.
He would tell me something one day about a problem he had to take care of and was unresolved. When I would ask again if he had it taken care of a day or two later, he would get angry and say he had told me that was fixed. He would say that he tells me things and I didn’t listen.
I listened very well, thank goodness. I had expressed to him that I felt he was just using me for his personal gain, a place to land, transportation, and the appearance to his boss and other friends that he had a good relationship with a good woman.
Intimacy was rare between us and he had stopped showing any love, any tenderness and would find things to do to be away from me until he needed something.
Sex was very rushed, aggressive without any love or tenderness after the first couple of times. I expressed my concerns there as well. I informed him that if that was the way he was going to be with me, I did not want any of it. I told him that I was not a wham bam thank you maam type, and he could go elsewhere, find someone else to use.
I came home from work the evening he was with his boss, the elderly lady, to show a property and found he had been on porn sites and registered on sites to hook up for sex.
The devastation I experienced in that moment was traumatic, as I knew in that moment my fears were true. He had targeted me to use me. I called him on the phone and he denied it, saying his friend must have accessed from his cell phone as he was using his email address.
I informed him he was computer illiterate, as no one can tap into my search engine from a cell phone. Of course he wanted to get off the phone as his boss could hear everything being said.
He came to my house against my wishes. I was mortified, I screamed at him asking him WHY had he done this to me when I had only shown him kindness and encouragement. He continued to deny it saying he would be “home” in 5 minutes. He was trying to get off the phone.
It was more like 30 minutes before they arrived. When confronted he denied it, even after I pulled it up on the computer for him to see his name, phone number, and what he said about himself.
At that point he finally admitted it saying I didn’t know about his past. Next of course it was my fault because I had treated him like s***.
Tomorrow: The devastating truth
It is hard to understand these sociopathic people… despite myself having been married to 2 of them!
I truly believe they are different from the rest of humans.
Of course we all make mistakes, and sometimes lied when we’re hard pressed about something. But to make that a ‘way of life’ is beyond me!
It is the consistency of their actions, ALWYS behaving that way, lying, cheating, power-hungry, with NO empathy, NO compassion and, indeed, ‘no humanity’, that I find to scary.
I can now see, after years without my psychopaths, how in danger of everything I was. I didn’t see it totally then. Thank God I was finally able to get out, cut my losses and RAN!!
Seeker of Truth
It was no small miracle that you were able to escape. The spaths work on their devaluation program for such an extended period that by the time the victim gets an inkling of what is happening, they are too weak and disabled to free themselves. Kudos to you that you were able to and were successful!
You’re not alone. Mine live with me (or off me) for three years. No intimacy. I thought he had medical problems and didn’t push. I paid his traffic tickets for driving without registration and insurance. Put insurance under my name, helped him get his electric turned on when he wanted to go back to check his house up north (under my name), let him talk me into buying a boat (Under my name…but guess what? it sunk). I wrote a book about it, called Entangled (pen name Florence St. John) Now I’m writing a recover book, called The Goose and the Gander. It’s all a process. Once you realize what they are….it’s only a matter of time before NO CONTACT!