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I was supposed to give and give, but was not allowed to ask for anything

Spath TalesI have spent the last 7.5 years in a relationship with a sociopath. I gave more than I had to give mentally, emotionally and financially.

He barely worked in that time. He lied, cheated and did his best to convince me I was crazy. He would steal and swear on his children he would never do that to me.

The last two years of the relationship I would often tell him he was a sociopath, but it wasn’t until the last six months that I truly started researching the disorder and everything I read on the topic was him to a T! It was as if someone sat back documenting his behaviors, then put them all together to create this disorder.

The charm, false sense of entitlement, pathological lying, parasitic lifestyle, impulsivity, no regard for others, lack of empathy, playing the victim, above the law, manipulative. I could go on, but we all know the traits.

This “man” knew I would give him anything, but would steal from me anyway. The thrill of getting away with it just to play the victim or try to convince me I was crazy when I dared to confront him.

He lived in my home, did not work, would not help clean, would not help with the kids, had me raising and supporting his kids, and if I had the nerve to ask him for any kind of attention he would blow up in a rage and call me every name in the book!

I was supposed to give and give some more, but I was not allowed to ask for anything in return.

In the end I felt so empty and worthless it was affecting my ability to be a mother, an employee, a friend and basically every aspect of my so-called life.

I would cry daily, begging him to show me he loved me because his words meant nothing to me anymore and all I would ever get in return is laughed at or called names. Never once did he just take me in his arms and apologize or tell me he loved me.

Until I woke up one day and felt absolutely nothing for him. I had a new-found love for myself, and knew it was time to save me.

I woke up and realized I had given far too much to someone who deserved absolutely nothing. I told him on that day that if he ever stepped foot back onto my property I would call the police, and if he tried me I would get a restraining order.

I have not spoken to him since the day I decided no contact was the only way to save myself!


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42 Comments on "I was supposed to give and give, but was not allowed to ask for anything"

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Wow! You are an incredibly strong lady for finally being able to break free from him and sticking to your decision, good on you! I am so sorry for everything you’ve had to endure throughout all those years. Hopefully now you can heal and move forward – you deserve it.

Congratulations! How long ago did you give him the boot?

No Contact really is the only way to get a sociopath out of our lives.

Today, my NC is at 86 days! The feeling of my “heart being in a blender” is subsiding, and I am less curious about what or who, he is doing now.

Stay strong. Stay No Contact,
Peace out,
Jenni

jennie,
Keep up the GREAT work.
You can do it.
Right there with you.
Stronginthecity

Hi SITC!

It’s been a while since I have posted.
NC=LIFE

I hope your life is becoming more enjoyable with each passing day also 🙂

Today marks the LONGEST stretch of NC for me, 86 days.

I started 2015 in NC mode, but I broke it. Twice.

-NO CONTACT for 46 days from Nov 30th 2014 – Jan 16th 2015.
He was around off and on from Jan 16-Feb 19th.
-NO CONTACT for 85 DAYS from Feb 20th-May 15th.
He came/caused havoc/stayed a few nights from May 16th-June 22nd
-NO CONTACT 86 DAYS & counting since June 22nd 🙂

On June 22nd he got his last laugh I suppose.
The last 5 minutes I spent with him went like this:
I stopped by his house on my lunch hour, to talk to him about ‘us’ I guess. As usual we were in the middle of one of MY ‘misunderstandings’ about what he had said or done…blah blah…
(wow, this story still makes me kind of sad like it just happened. —I’ll get over it.)
I had woke him up. He came out onto his porch, closed the door, sat down on the broken down chair, groggy and scraggly, in that evil mood with the snarl and tone of voice that told me he was going to pick a fight instead of listen or engage in healthy conversation. I was right.

SITC, he started scrolling through text messages on his phone that I had sent to him when I was hurt and angry a couple days prior, and he started to read a couple of them with dramatic flair, so that he could use them as fuel to get his anger and rage going for the fight and punishment he was about to start. The texts I sent had all of my usual begging, and not so happy comments about his behavior that he says makes him think that I am “attacking” him, when he got to the last one he would read to me, the one message that gave him the last laugh and the last overt shot to my heart…..

….it said “The least you could do is be courteous instead of rude and return your messages and calls. I really like you and I want to get to know you”

Oooooops, I wasn’t supposed to hear that, or WAS I? Hmmmmm.

He looked at me sideways as if he didn’t understand what my message meant, and said “whaaaat—huh?” I told him that one is not from me-that I already ‘knew’ him, and pointed to the girls name who had sent it, it was the girl he has been calling “the tenant”, and I asked him if that’s how it is now?-he’s gonna get with her after all? He said no as he shook his head from side to side in slow motion while looking down at his phone.

I said yeah right, “you’ve had her lined up as the next one for a while and that I didn’t want to fight and that all you are is a liar” and I left. I heard him insulting me as I walked to my car, but I didn’t respond and I haven’t seen or heard from him since.
————-
————-
Back in February when I found out about her being his new ‘tenant’ and what her story was, I told him that she is probably going to come on to him because of a ‘deparate widow’ factor (no offense to widows), plus all the other stuff- such as she won’t like being alone, she has almost zero income, her dysfunctional kids’ family moves in and out with her, she is stuck with nowhere to go, and that if he makes himself available to her too often, on the basis of spending time with her because he knows she is a “friend who just needs understanding because her husband died kind of thing” that she would take it to mean he WAS interested in her.

He commented that she had sent him a text already a month prior, that said she didn’t want him to get the wrong idea about her and that he wondered what she meant. Now I see that he said that to throw me off his budding trail of mischief….. damn liar.

This is the ‘tenant’ that called him at 7:55AM on the last two Saturdays he was around in February which was on the 7th and the 14th! Valentines Day, while we were still tangled up in bed together! He wouldn’t answer his phone when she called

I asked him why she is calling him on Saturdays which he didn’t answer, and I told him he needed to call and tell her that his girlfriend doesn’t appreciate the interruptions if there is no tenant emergency, or I would call her myself!

We went over to his house while I was still upset and mad about ‘the tenant’, and he went into a verbally abusive tirade in front of one of his minions this time, it was one of his homeless friends who lives in his backyard and after about 20 minutes of listening to psycho screaming at me, homeless dude ended up telling psycho to shut the f**k up with all the insults and constant yelling without taking a breath or letting her (me) say anything. The only one in 5 years to say anything that leaned toward helping me deal with psycho’s abuse. That was the only time anyone actually heard him go off on me uncontrollably.

I had to leave or psycho was going to have another heart attack. I came back an hour later to find psycho asleep in the homeless trailer, and after giving him a peck kiss to wake him up that he wiped off, I could see that he wasn’t going to change his attitude any time soon.
I knew I couldn’t take another second being around him while yet another girl “needed him and his expertise about how to help people with their problems” and I got shit on and ignored. He sent me a text the next day that blamed me for being so insecure and always attacking and accusing him of things that he isn’t doing.

I replied: “yup, it’s ALL MY fault, because we all know how perfect YOU ARE, and that you have always insisted that you would never keep doing stupid things if someone told you that you were fucking up. See ya!”

86 BLESSED DAYS! No one has insulted me or lied to me or given me the silent treatment, or asked me to have sex in weird places. New friends I am spending more time with have paid me compliments on my looks, while I stood there embarrassed and not knowing how to just simply take a compliment and practically struggling to get the words ‘thank you’ out of my pie hole. (I’m not all that, but not all yuck either I guess. just average. more brains than boobs, lol)

SITC my friend and other LF buddie’s, be strong and NC as long as possible or forever, if you fall down, get up and try again. After 5 years with a psycho, even deep-fried grasshoppers look good, lol, EVERYTHING LOOKS BETTER THAN IT DID WHILE I WAS WITH HIM! EVERYTHING.

peace out
Jenni

Jenni,
Quick reply.
If you get a chance, check out the video I posted on the lies and drama thread.

Will write more in just a few .
SITC

jenni marie,
I feel this is one of the best explanations of the how and why I have ever heard.
You know I love to share.
I love your poems that you write.
very creative and expressive.
I wish I could express myself that way.
I share video links!
Maybe this will give you some answers to begin to move forward.
https://youtu.be/o7sPLscJ9TA

SITC

I forgot to mention that 7:55am is the exact time that I have to be at work and logged onto my computer, so when ‘the tenant’ called at 7:55am those two last Saturdays, I see now that she probably thought I would be at work and it would be safe to call mike the psycho. This burns me to this day. I didn’t think to ask him about the ‘time’ of day she called, just ‘why’ was she calling without a tenant emergency…. all kinds of lies he told me are coming back now and I wonder why I didn’t put all the pieces together sooner…. man, these flashbacks are awful and come on their own, but I am gonna get passed this…….

jenni marie,
Thank you for posting.
It sounds like you have been holding that it for awhile and I certainly understand the craziness that happens with these disordered individuals.
That scene you described above is so familiar to me.
He got “busted” or not with the text he showed you.
They just love that kind of drama to make you jealous and they love the attention that it gives them.
Before I go on, I wanted to say mine have THANK YOU GOD moved away and I am grateful for that.
My tummy is churning after reading your post because it is something I could have written myself.
The same manipulations, lying and drama.
Woo hoo day 86,87 and forever.
Jenni I am so proud of you and I know how hard it is to break the addiction to these pathetic con men.
One thing we can say is thank goodness we are not them.
We don’t have to live inside that disordered mind.
They always blame others..always.
UGH, I had to beak contact forever with him and others in my life including family members after doing lot’s of work on the still in progress self.
If it was not this in need tenant it would be someone else and you know it.
You are so much better than him and you know it.
It sounds like your self esteem has taken a toll but you will recover.
I know you are a beautiful person inside and out.
I have figured out with the guidance of others here that the reason why I would let a nit wit like him make me feel bad and pick on my wounds.
I still have the flashbacks too but they pass so quickly now.
Some days are better than others.
I can’t go to all of the lies that I know of in my head.
I have found some guided meditations (thanks Remembertoforget and keepingOn) on YouTube that really help.
Wishing you peace and spath free, forever,
SITC

I am so sorry all of this has happened to others, but at the same time it’s encouraging to know I’m not alone in my ordeal. For a while I was almost convinced that I was as crazy as my SO was accusing me of being!

You found your voice and it said get the heck out of my life.
This must feel like such a relief as yes, going NC is the ONLY way.
Stay strong and hold those boundaries high.
It still amazes me that the stories are so identical.
Here’s to you!
Stronginthecity

Hi ladies! Thanks for the kind words! Congrats Jenni on 86 days. July 6th is when I told my SP to go, he got locked up on July 8th, tried to call collect and saw that I wouldn’t take the calls and finally learned to leave me alone.

I am so hoping that all of your words, strength, and endurance gives me the inner strength to establish NC. My N is currently spending a week in FL with his other gf. He says it is all for me, it makes everything easier to have a 2nd. He says that I promised I would do anything for him and I’m breaking my promises by being upset about her. I have a 2 year old with this joker and our daughter has been his key to stay just enough in my life that I cannot get on with my life or get over him. If anyone has any words of wisdom- I’m surely all eyes and ears..

Hi Pumpkin1619, so happy that you read everyone’s response.

Oh Boy, your mate is masterful at spinning everything to not only blame you but make you pity him so he can get his way and treat you badly.

He is mind controlling (brain washing) you just like a cult leader does to a cult follower…THIS is what all sociopaths do no matter if they have a large cult following or they are a domestic abuse cult leader with just a family as their followers.

I truly hope you know that YOU deserve so much more out of life then what you are settling for right now. You deserve to have a mate that will respect you, look after you, love you, and be kind to you every day. THIS EVIL EVIL man will never be good to you, your child, this woman he is off on a vacation with or anyone else that crosses his path.

YOU ARE STRONG and you can establish the No Contact rule…dont think you have to do this alone, we are here for you and so is your local abuse center too. One of the hardest things when you want to leave but feel so alone is to reach out for help but I can tell you it WILL be the GREATEST GIFT you every gave yourself and your child.

Remember sociopaths mentally & physically isolate their victims then break them down so they will not leave…all his words about you are a lie!! Everything he says to you is a lie. How do you break free? By reaching out for more help with your local abuse center.

Hugs to you! Glad you reached out tonight!!! 🙂

Pumpkin1619,

This is from the site Freedom of mind resources center….the site creator is Steven Hassan a cult & dometic abuse expert who has been on 60 minutes, Larry King Live, CNN, FOX, John Walsh Show etc he has author several books on how these evil people brain washing & mind control their victims.

IF you do a search on Lovefraud up at the top of this site right site “Steven Hassan” you can read Donna’s book review.

This is Steven Hassan’s “Bite Model” on how these evil sociopaths slowly manipulate their victims…

“Many people think of mind control as an ambiguous, mystical process that cannot be defined in concrete terms. In reality, mind control refers to a specific set of methods and techniques, such as hypnosis or thought- stopping, that influence how a person thinks, feels, and acts. Like many bodies of knowledge, it is not inherently good or evil. If mind control techniques are used to empower an individual to have more choice, and authority for his life remains within himself, the effects can be beneficial. For example, benevolent mind control can be used to help people quit smoking without affecting any other behavior. Mind control becomes destructive when the locus of control is external and it is used to undermine a person’s ability to think and act independently.

As employed by the most destructive cults, mind control seeks nothing less than to disrupt an individual’s authentic identity and reconstruct it in the image of the cult leader. I developed the BITE model to help people determine whether or not a group is practicing destructive mind control. The BITE model helps people understand how cults suppress individual member’s uniqueness and creativity. BITE stands for the cult’s control of an individual’s Behavior, Intellect, Thoughts, and Emotions.

It is important to understand that destructive mind control can be determined when the overall effect of these four components promotes dependency and obedience to some leader or cause. It is not necessary for every single item on the list to be present. Mindcontrolled cult members can live in their own apartments, have nine-to-five jobs, be married with children, and still be unable to think for themselves and act independently.

Destructive mind control is not just used by cults. Learn about the Human Trafficking BITE Model and the Terrorism BITE Model

The BITE Model
I. Behavior Control
II. Information Control
III. Thought Control
IV. Emotional Control
Behavior Control

1. Regulate individual’s physical reality
2. Dictate where, how, and with whom the member lives and associates or isolates
3. When, how and with whom the member has sex
4. Control types of clothing and hairstyles
5. Regulate diet – food and drink, hunger and/or fasting
6. Manipulation and deprivation of sleep
7. Financial exploitation, manipulation or dependence
8. Restrict leisure, entertainment, vacation time
9. Major time spent with group indoctrination and rituals and/or self indoctrination including the Internet
10. Permission required for major decisions
11. Thoughts, feelings, and activities (of self and others) reported to superiors
12. Rewards and punishments used to modify behaviors, both positive and negative
13. Discourage individualism, encourage group-think
14. Impose rigid rules and regulations
15. Instill dependency and obedience
Information Control

1. Deception:
a. Deliberately withhold information
b. Distort information to make it more acceptable
c. Systematically lie to the cult member
2. Minimize or discourage access to non-cult sources of information, including:
a. Internet, TV, radio, books, articles, newspapers, magazines, other media
b.Critical information
c. Former members
d. Keep members busy so they don’t have time to think and investigate
e. Control through cell phone with texting, calls, internet tracking
3. Compartmentalize information into Outsider vs. Insider doctrines
a. Ensure that information is not freely accessible
b.Control information at different levels and missions within group
c. Allow only leadership to decide who needs to know what and when
4. Encourage spying on other members
a. Impose a buddy system to monitor and control member
b.Report deviant thoughts, feelings and actions to leadership
c. Ensure that individual behavior is monitored by group
5. Extensive use of cult-generated information and propaganda, including:
a. Newsletters, magazines, journals, audiotapes, videotapes, YouTube, movies and other media
b.Misquoting statements or using them out of context from non-cult sources
6. Unethical use of confession
a. Information about sins used to disrupt and/or dissolve identity boundaries
b. Withholding forgiveness or absolution
c. Manipulation of memory, possible false memories
Thought Control

1. Require members to internalize the group’s doctrine as truth
a. Adopting the group’s ’map of reality’ as reality
b. Instill black and white thinking
c. Decide between good vs. evil
d. Organize people into us vs. them (insiders vs. outsiders)
2.Change person’s name and identity
3. Use of loaded language and clichés which constrict knowledge, stop critical thoughts and reduce complexities into platitudinous buzz words
4. Encourage only ’good and proper’ thoughts
5. Hypnotic techniques are used to alter mental states, undermine critical thinking and even to age regress the member
6. Memories are manipulated and false memories are created
7. Teaching thought-stopping techniques which shut down reality testing by stopping negative thoughts and allowing only positive thoughts, including:
a. Denial, rationalization, justification, wishful thinking
b. Chanting
c. Meditating
d. Praying
e. Speaking in tongues
f. Singing or humming
8. Rejection of rational analysis, critical thinking, constructive criticism
9. Forbid critical questions about leader, doctrine, or policy allowed
10. Labeling alternative belief systems as illegitimate, evil, or not useful
Emotional Control

1. Manipulate and narrow the range of feelings ”“ some emotions and/or needs are deemed as evil, wrong or selfish
2. Teach emotion-stopping techniques to block feelings of homesickness, anger, doubt
3. Make the person feel that problems are always their own fault, never the leader’s or the group’s fault
4. Promote feelings of guilt or unworthiness, such as
a. Identity guilt
b. You are not living up to your potential
c. Your family is deficient
d. Your past is suspect
e. Your affiliations are unwise
f. Your thoughts, feelings, actions are irrelevant or selfish
g. Social guilt
h. Historical guilt
5. Instill fear, such as fear of:
a. Thinking independently
b. The outside world
c. Enemies
d. Losing one’s salvation
e. Leaving or being shunned by the group
f. Other’s disapproval
6. Extremes of emotional highs and lows ”“ love bombing and praise one moment and then declaring you are horrible sinner
7. Ritualistic and sometimes public confession of sins
8. Phobia indoctrination: inculcating irrational fears about leaving the group or questioning the leader’s authority
a. No happiness or fulfillment possible outside of the group
b. Terrible consequences if you leave: hell, demon possession, incurable diseases, accidents, suicide, insanity, 10,000 reincarnations, etc.
c. Shunning of those who leave; fear of being rejected by friends, peers, and family
d. Never a legitimate reason to leave; those who leave are weak, undisciplined, unspiritual, worldly, brainwashed by family or counselor, or seduced by money, sex, or rock and roll
e. Threats of harm to ex-member and family”

It is just absolutely amazing as I read books about narcissism and sociopaths. it sounds like the author was following me around and recording our lives. I am a successful career and except for him an independent woman. I am absolutely appalled at my addiction to him and the need for his approval. We have broken up so many times and I AM the ONE that goes back begging for forgiveness.. It’s almost like I am having an out of body experience. My family thinks I’m mental, my friends just shake their head. Heck, I shake my head. He tells me that I am so selfish b/c I am worried about me, me, me, and if I would only worry about him and my children- there would be no problems.

Hi Pumpkin, in the beginning of your relationship with him he sucked you into an addiction with his love bombing…he knew exactly what to do…he new that reward & punishment would work on you or any women he targets and he used pity play to get you to give in to his ways. He knew what words would work on you to control you because he has done it some many times before you, he just repeats the same words with each vicim.

YOU are NOT “mental”…you are not “selfish”….you are in a abusive relationship which outsiders do not understand…when you are with an abuser they do make it all about them..it’s always about them and only them…but your family does not see that because they are not there everyday to hear his manipulative harsh words or his twisting words to confuse you or hurt to to control you.

I did not get it either until I was sucked into my ex h sociopath evil world…now I get it now I see the world so differently. Unless your family is willing to educate themselves on what you mate is doing to you mentally to break you down they will never get it…and that is ok…WE GET IT & WE ARE HERE FOR YOU and so is your local abuse center.

Donna has a wonderful post about how families should treat a victim not sure will to located it under a search but I will try to find it for you.

YOU SHOULD ONLY WORRY ABOUT YOU AND YOUR CHILD AND HOW TO GET OUT OF THIS ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP!!! PERIOD!

Do not worry about this evil guy he has other victims in his grip that can worry about him until they too escape.

Start getting an “Exit Plan” together to get out of your abusive relationship.

How to you get in EXIT PLAN together?

Do a search on the net for “Domestica abuse exit plan”, “Domestic abuse exit plan you tube”, “Exit Plan Dr Phil”, “National Domestic violence Hotline exit plan”

Also call the National domestic abuse hotline 24/7 to talk to a counselor about an Exit plan and also get phone numbers for your local center and go for free counseling & free women group meeting…DO THIS NOW…not wait…now is the time while he is out of town. 800-799-SAFE USA

I was in the same place you are now…like everyone here…I wanted to leave but my ex h had my mind so twisted up that I did not know which way was up and which way was down. The stress is causing high levels of cortisol & adrenaline to be released and also it is messing up your hormones and this is part of the reason why you can’t thing clearly to get out of this relationship.

You can do this…you can leave him.

When you have children with a sociopath you follow the LOW CONTACT RULE…google this with the words narcissist then with the word sociopath.

Glad you are asking questions & venting here.

Be sure to clear your computer history for your safety.

Hugs

Pumpkin, look at the site One moms battle, her books and the Facebook page

open a fake email account then open a fake Facebook pate so you can talk freely there and ask question with other victims who have children with a sociopath. There are almost 20,000 moms on that site who have left a narcissist or sociopath but still dealing with court custody issues.

They also have list of lawyers when you are ready for that who understand how to deal with a narcissist.

Thank you. I just want to get to a point that I don’t care who he is seeing or what he is doing. He just tells me the difference between him and all the other men in the world is he honest about his “non-monogamy”.
But how do you establish no contact when you have a child with the person?

pumpkin….I was with someone who even took me to ‘polyamory’ circles. Where people practiced ‘open’ relationships. He was so proud of how ‘honest’ he was with his seeking multiple relationships. How honest our relationship was. At first, so was I…except I didn’t want to be polyamorous.

I met people in these groups who were NOT disordered, and were super sweet folks. I did not participate in an open relationship, and did not seek other sexual partners.

And he was just ‘hiding’ in plain sight in this group, using their philosophies to his own twisted purposes. But they couldn’t see it. They thought he was genuine. They ended up thinking I was ‘un-evolved and jealous’.

I only went to these things because I was so caught up in his mind games. I would never, before or now, want to be in an open relationship. I am much more comfortable with one partner, and am far to introverted to take multiple partners. Too exhausting for me!

These disordered types will use any doctrine, philosophy, or ideology and mis-use it, mis-representing themselves and using it for ‘cover’.

Being honest about multiple partners is a good thing, if both people totally agree and like this style of relating. Being ‘honest’ about it with a partner who you KNOW you are hurting and betraying is abuse. Pure and simple. It is abuse.

AND, I know that the disordered man I was with was NOT truly honest. He still lied, all the time. About everything. What he ate, who he was with, who wronged him, where he was going. He even lied about the other women he had sex with, while he was being so honest about it.

If a sociopath is talking, they are lying. They are. Even if in the smallest way. With a simple exchange of one word for another, or a nuance about what happened. Everything they say is like moving a chess piece on a board. Words are weapons they use to control.

The only way out is to stop them from having any access to us, to stop them from using words, actions, and emotions to control us. It isn’t our weakness, or their strength, that allows them to control us. It is HUMAN to respond to these kinds of manipulations the way we do. We are designed to respond. The only way NOT to respond is to exert our authority over ourselves, and establish No Contact.

It may be possible, in a simple exchange, to resist or recognize a manipulation and there fore avoid harm. But, after an longer period of time, after an intimate relationship, we cannot expect ourselves to to be so vigilant and savvy that we can have ongoing contact and avoid being manipulated, confused, betrayed, and harmed. It is too much to ask.

I hope you can find a way to end your contact with him, or minimize it to the absolute minimum (I believe you have a child?).

Thank you Slimone. I literally gasped when I first read your reply. It is just absolutely amazing of the similarities in all the responses. And like yours- even with the “poly” freedom- he still lies. He has his phone locked down. He refuses to acknowledge on fb that we are together. I hope too that I have the courage to get away and stay away.
We do have a child. Since he travels- we have never been able to have any sort of regimented schedule- which always b4 has caused us to have increased communication. He has to move next summer to another state to take over the family business. It cannot get here quick enough. I’m my own worst enemy when it comes to him.

Hi Slim and Pumpkin. Polyamwhorey ? Sounds just like mine. 😁

Pumpkin, DONT MOVE WITH HIM!!!

Make your exit plan now so that he moves to another state & you and your child stay in the state where you are now with your family & friends.

Contact the National Domestic Abuse Hotline NOW to talk with a counselor about an EXIT PLAN out of this relationship. USA 800-799-SAFE.

His move is the best thing that can happen to you to help you escape him!!

This is what you have been praying for a way out!!!

Don’t tell him you are not leave with him to move out of state now wait until he has already moved away but will join him later…make up an excuse like you are sick or your parents are sick and need you to help them.

When you are planning your exit plan out you have to lie to them…this is hard because you (we all) are honest people but this is what you have to do…I packed up the car & drove across country when my ex h was on a “business trip” (most likely visiting one of his out of mistress”.

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE go to your local abuse center NOW while your mate is out of state. Like a cult vicim you need a counselor to open up your mind from your mates mind control.

Read the book Women who love psychopaths by Sandra Brown (my counselor gave me this book to read when I first left and it opened my mind up) & Donna Andersons book Lovefraud (see the “book store up at the top of this site).

MAKE YOUR EXIT PLAN OUT OF THIS RELATIONSHIP STARTING TODAY!! (with the help of your local abuse center & national domestic abuse hotline)

Take care

Thank you.. I’m googling and reading. I so appreciate your kind words and your strength.

hi Pumpkin, your Welcome! 🙂

Keep venting here and read everything up at the top of this site under the red & gray tabs…plus watch the videos up at the top too…there is one love bombing.

Take care.

Welcome pumpkin 1619. You WILL FLY AGAIN!

—-
-Ode to Psycho –

I am a Golden Eagle.

You have under estimated my will to survive, and for a while I may have under estimated it myself.

My eyes are open.

Because of your lies, I tried to live off of the tiny breadcrumbs of ‘love’ and ‘affection’ that you tossed down, here and there, every now and then.

I dutifully waited for them.
I am an Honorable and Loyal bird.

But, the truth is that YOU were slowly, insidiously starving me to death, while you continued to feast.

I was forced to face my constant hunger until the pangs hurt so bad that I had no choice but to leave you and go on the hunt of my life.

I have found the food I need from family and friends, Lovefraud, and from the time I took to preen my feathers.
I feel satiated from my first full meal in five years, and I know that I will stretch my wings and fly higher than I ever have before.

And, when I look down- I will see YOU.
You will be scattering breadcrumbs to yet another sister Eagle.

I won’t pity her.

Instead, I will smile, for one day she will fly high like me -when she becomes hungry enough.

Then, she too will look down on you, as she soars once again with the other Eagles.

For as you can see, there is no lie so big that it would ever be able to clip our wings.

We FLY!!!

You cannot cage a free, loving spirit forever.

And besides, we can’t soar with the other Eagles, if we are waddling with the Turkeys like you on the ground below.

Good Bye Psychomike

——
NC=LIFE

Peace, Jenni

Wow Jenni Marie – what a great sentiment. Thank you so much for sharing. Truly inspirational.

jenni marie !!!!!!

Nice job!
Love it.
Please keep NO CONTACT!
SITC

SITC,
will you help me find the video you posted on the lies and drama thread that you mentioned?

jenni marie
Just a housekeeping note for you (and all others in you don’t know this little bit) Sometimes it gets hard to follow a thread. There is a solution.

Donna has placed a “search comments” box for the forum on the left under “recent comments”. If you type in the persons name that you wish to review, it will pop up their posts chronologically. Type in your name and you will see your own posts, and be able to link on each one back to their place under the articles.

Hope this helps!

jenni marie,
NWHSOM is correct but of coarse I will help you.
Was is recent?
I will look through what I sent.
I hope you are doing ok.
SITC

jennie marie,

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oiukOfvDob0&feature=youtu.be

This is video.
I hope it helps.
Jennie, I don’t know if you have found a therapist or ever saw one but I had resisted that piece of my healing because I never though anyone would understand.
I finally found one last week when I was in panic mode about the disordered one coming back to town.
I have only had 2 sessions with him but am 80% better already.
No medication, he is a psychologist.
I’m just sayin girl.
It may help.
I can “hear” the pain in your words.
Respectfully,
SITC

pumpkin1619,
Hello there.
Welcome to lovefraud.
The fact that you found your way here is that something is WRONG!
As Jan7 says, read all the tabs red and gray and watch all of Donnas videos.
Glad you are here.
Hugs to you,
Stronginthecity

Pumpkin,

We talk a lot on Lovefraud about what is done to us by these manipulators. And that is an important aspect of these relationships, the abuse and deceit we labor under. It is important to recognize the ‘red flags’, understand how manipulation affects our moods, thoughts, and action.

It is important to have the ‘Ah HAH!’ moment when we see that these people do this time and time again, and that it has (in fact) NOTHING to do with us (like Jenni Marie points out in her poem). But it does take time and perspective to see them more objectively and see that they just repeat the same patterns over and over and over with anyone who will invite them in.

Another part of this awakening process is to turn our focus back onto ourselves. Gently”.ever so gently. We can start by asking ourselves what WE want our lives to look like. What is our hearts desire? This needs to be real. Not “I wish he weren’t who he is so we can live happily ever after”. That is a fantasy.

I mean really. What do we want? A home? To work part time? To be married? To travel with a partner/husband? A cat? Dog? To learn to dance? To start a business?

I made these lists, and made a couple of drawings about what I wanted. I made it very detailed. It helped me bring my focus back to the most important person in my life, the only one who could save my life.

Me.

Then I let that simmer for awhile and it became really clear to me I would have NONE of these desires made manifest if I was being drained of every bit of energy I had by trying to maintain my relationship with a mean crazy person. It simply was too much energy going his way for me to achieve my own success.

It became clear that it was him or me. Who was I going to choose? Him? No way!!!!!!!!

Choose you pumpkin. Choose you, so you can find a life of joy, and can share this with your child, your friends, your family, pets, the trees/moon/sun. Find yourself again, even just a little bit. Turn you inner eyes toward YOU.

Make a plan, first, to get away. He is HURTING you and your child. He will ALWAYS HURT YOU. He will NEVER STOP hurting you. He likes hurting you. He is very satisfied by hurting you.

When we reach these crucial places in our lives pumpkin we have to decide. We really do. We have to decide if we are going to learn to love ourselves, and protect ourselves, or if we are going to choose to stay and be abused. Even while we are being totally victimized by our abuser we have to find the strength to decide.

Please keep coming back here”.even if you don’t decide. We can help support you, and hopefully help you find your strength to love yourself again.

Slim

Good Lord Slim when I read your posts it’s as if we dated the same person. Wow.

The poly world is a joke. It’s a label for sociopathic, bisexual sex addicts. That is all they are. Oh, also add EXTREMELY elitist.

In a sense we have ALL dated the same person! Though when you hear someone’s story, and it is in the same ‘cultural’ group as your own it can feel even more similar.

This guy was/is the epitome of New Age. Maybe yours too.

Here’s the deal, the abuse is all the same: lies, betrayal, manipulation, and devaluation.

I read about this website in the book, “When Love is a Lie.” The author praised this website. She was right on the money. Just to put everyone at ease, we don’t live together. I have my own home, and thankfully my love for my oldest child ensured I made some very clear boundaries in the beginning of our relationship that any decision that affected my child was off limits. He came to my house less than 24 hours from leaving the gf in FL. It was relentless texts and emails stating his love for me and if I could only see the “vision”. As we sat here- I was allowed to ask any questions concerning her. And I was hurting more and more with each question and insecurity. Maybe that was the whole plan. And then just as quickly as the anxiety was mounding and my heart was breaking. I became numb. I believe I am having a mind shift. I kept referring back in my mind to all the words I have read here. I kept going back to my list of what I want out of life. And then I kept telling myself that probably everything he is saying is a lie. Now that is hard for me still. I keep finding myself thinking- surely he loves me and he is going to change. If I just hold out a little bit longer. One of the most honest statements he has ever said to me, “I am 50 years old and haven’t changed my behavior. I am not going to change it for you or for anyone else.” I told him for the first time in over a year that I don’t want this kind of relationship and I can’t do it. He was like- so it’s just over. I said yes I think so. he ignored me and was still here. We both didn’t talk about it anymore that day. The only other thing he said was I would probably end up with some guy that would abuse our daughter and I would have to live with that for the rest of my life. He is heading out of town for a couple of weeks. I am going to continue to read your words, work on my list, pray, and really begin some positive internal dialogue for myself.
I did just recently start a new job, it is enough money that if he stops helping with our daughter financially- I can make it. it is also a lot closer so if need be- I can completely be self sufficient in the care of my children. So i am making steps to get away from him- I just don’t want to make the mistake of leaving and then ending up back there. Life is much harder when I have done that in the past.
Thank you everyone for your words and thoughts.

Here is something I have found very inspirational:

We Are the Ones We’ve Been Waiting For

You have been telling people that this is the eleventh Hour. Now you must go back and tell the people that this is The Hour.

There are things to be considered:
Where are you living?
What are you doing?
What are your relationships?
Are you in right relation?
Know your garden.

It is time to speak your truth. Create your community. Be good to each other. And do not look outside yourself for the leader.
This could be a good time!

There is a river flowing now very fast. It is so great and swift and there are those who will be afraid. They will try to hold on to the shore. They will feel they are being torn apart, l and they will suffer greatly.

Know the river has its destination. The elders say we must let go of the shore, and push off into the river, keep our eyes open, and our head above the water. See who is in there with you and celebrate.
At this time in history, we are to take nothing personally. Least of all ourselves. For the moment that we do, our growth and our journey comes to a halt.

All that you do now must be done in celebration, for we are the ones we’ve been waiting for. Stand up. Stand tall. Stand together. Find courage. Face the future. Work together. We are the ones we’ve been waiting for.

–The Elders Oraibi
Arizona Hopi Nation

Yep, we’ve all dated this same creature!

I’m with Jenny and everyone, NC for LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Pumpkin,
Great people here!
Definitely don’t move with him. Save yourself! Life will be calm.

male victim of female psychopath

I wrote a description of my psychopath ex a few years ago on psych forums and here is one of the traits as I described it at the time:

-constantly asking me for favors (as in “could you go downstairs and get me a glass of water”, “could you pick this up”, “could you take my daughter to volleyball practice”, “could you take this letter to the post office”…it was ridiculous the amount of “favors” she asked me to do on a daily basis) and on the rare occasion that I say no there is HELL to pay, but almost NEVER does favors for me even though I RARELY ask.

http://www.psychforums.com/antisocial-personality/topic62917.html

These creatures are all cut from the same evil mold it seems.

I decided yesterday to go on Craigslist to look at for sale by owner homes in my area. I ended up stalking the craigslist personals. Sure enough my daughter’s father has a personal looking for a “submissive lady”. I felt even more foolish than ever. I was told- if I have the 2nd gf- I will be completely committed and loyal to you. But just like I have read- nothing they say is truthful. So this morning- I called and changed my phone number. I deactivated my facebook. And I sent him an email letting him know he is welcome to check on his daughter via email and as long as he continued to pay her daycare bill- I would not push for a formal child support agreement.
I feel numb. Three years 2months and 20 days too long. But this is the biggest step I have ever made in breaking free from him
Pray for me.

pumpkin1619,

Congratulations of imposing the Low contact rule!! BRAVO!!!

DAY 1 🙂 of the Low contact rule Starts today 🙂 🙂 🙂

This is not an easy thing to do but you have done it…you have taken back your power!!

YOU have said ENOUGH, I deserve better!!!

I’m sorry that you found out what he was really up to…the truth is very painful but at the same time it is very helpful to move forward once the blinders are finally off.

Please keep posting here when you feel the urge to contact him come here and vert and/or call the National Domestic Violence hotline USA 800-799-SAFE to talk with a free counselor.

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE be very careful with Craigslist…that is a very dangerous site full of sociopaths & psychopaths. I have read & watched many news stories about women getting raped & murdered just by going to an apartment etc.

It’s best to look at the site Zillow. com or a local real-estate companies site or the monthly real estate news papers out front at your grocery story for homes for sale. Remember you are in a emotional state right now and need to keep your guard up at all times.

Praying for you! Huge hugs to you tonight…glad you posted an update 🙂

Take care

also check out the site Onemomsbattle. com, her books and their Facebook page under the same name. Open a fake email account then a fake Facebook page so that you can get support from other mothers going thru the same thing you are going thru now.

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