Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following story of abuse and domestic violence from a young woman whom we’ll call “Kassandra21.”
I became host to a parasitic sociopath that eventually entrapped me by getting me pregnant, abused my oldest child psychologically and physically and was eventually arrested.
It all happened so fast that by the time I understood what was happening my life was a total train wreck. My vulnerabilities made me weaker due to my drug and alcohol use, I was way too accepting of people, loved to love people, yet was unloving to myself. I also had my own place, kids, a car and income, and also partied, did drugs and had meaningless sex encounters.
I was completely charmed by a person who was a complete loser. He is pathological liar, and he played up the pity poor me party better than anyone else I ever met. He also would say, “I have the gift of gab, I can talk my way out of anything.” He also knew EVERYTHING and was always right, apparently he knew me better than I even knew myself! Everything I owned seemed to turn into his. He had violent outbursts, and it was always my fault for not being appreciative. He humiliated me in front of his company who he refused to stop bringing over. He would degrade me, and tell people I did sexual favors for meth.
After I was torn completely down emotionally, I would act like he was sorry, or that it was a misunderstanding, we would have pretty good sex, and he would be on his best behavior for a short while. There were a lot of times where we would go out and do something and have a lot of fun. He would tell me I was who made him whole, and the reason he wants to live.
Trapped with a vile monster
The abuse got so bad that I became a total stranger to myself. I was trapped with this absolute vile monster of a human who was my soul mate, yet with in a few months I had lost everything, my family avoided me, and my kids couldn’t come home!
Read more: How to leave or divorce a sociopath
All with in one month I made many attempts to leave him. It was all out dangerous, he would break in and terrorized me until I relented. Once he pretend that he killed himself while I was at a friend’s house. I waited to make sure he was dead before I went home, just for it to be a way for him to lure me in and was held hostage for hours. He tired to kidnap me once. All of this abuse and domestic violence was reported to the police. He was never arrested!!
When I did get my locks changed, he used a police standby to STEAL from me, he stole my keys, my cards, and the order of protection I had filled out and ready to file!! He even got caught stealing the keys and cards, and he wasn’t arrested still. I was so broken down, that I got completely strung out, and went from place to place with nothing but a backpack of gel pens for a few days afraid to be in my own home until I found someone willing to stay with me.
He fell to his knees sobbing
That’s when he did a total 180. He picked my locks, and quiet as a mouse snuck upstairs into my bedroom. When I noticed him I completely panicked, while he fell to his knees sobbing hysterically saying how sorry he was for everything he has done for me, that he was a broken man, that he didn’t mean to be the way he was but he needed help because he has never been loved before and only been abandoned, he told me he hated himself for how he treated me, and he hated himself for ruining his chance at finally having a family.
The disturbing part about it all is that I was convinced. I felt like I was going against my own values and was evil if did not accept his apology and pleas to be loved, and it was only a couple days later I discovered I was pregnant, and he reacted with complete joy.
For a while, things seemed great. Life was coming together again, we went to meetings, I got my job back, and my oldest son came back home. I got a new vehicle, but by the last month of my pregnancy life was total shit again. He lost 2 jobs, he was stealing money out of my wallet, a couple grand I saved for maternity leave was completely gone 2 weeks before I gave birth, and I had no idea about the physical and physiological torture my son was going through right under my nose, and by the time the baby was a month old cps was called because my son confided in another adult about the abuse, my ex finally was arrested for d.v, and was released the next day.
Arrested with 4 felonies
I believe he was hiding in the woods behind my house, and watching the house for a few days before he finally decided to break in during the day when I blocked his number. I had both my older kids that day, and was upstairs with the baby when I heard my kids screaming that they seen him in the woods, then screaming that he was in the window and than he forced entry and ran after me. He acted like he was going to blow my brains out, after he scared me enough for his pleasure he was going to take the baby to get more of a rise out of me, before handing the baby back to me and going upstairs to my room to find my purse and steal any money I may have had. He did not realize my son had got out of the house and called 911, when he went to walk out the door thinking he won one over on me. He got arrested for abuse and domestic violence with 4 felonies. All violent d.v offenses.
He still broke the no contact order multiple times from jail, I have gotten love letters, I have gotten told that he don’t deserve to lose his life just cause we had a disagreement. He claims that he has found God. He has been trying to guilt me in to not testifying. Lied about a plea deal being 4 years when I found out it wasn’t even a whole 1 year. He swears he never abused my son yet my son is in intense therapy. He has also threatened to kill our baby we have together if I put him in prison.
I feel cursed to have had to mingle with this man. I have even read on demonic possessed people, and wondered if a deliverance minister could help him. I feel like I have put a curse on myself for all the sex drugs and partying I did.
All Your Choices Come from Fear or Love
Kassandra21 – I am so sorry for everything that you endured. I want you to know that the guy is a classic sociopath. His behavior is not your fault, and nothing you could have done would have made him treat you any better.
He may seem to be demonically possessed, but I doubt that any deliverance minister could help him. Why not? Because he does not want to be helped. Most likely, he does not think there is anything wrong with him, so he has no incentive to change.
Also, you are not cursed or being punished. But you were likely vulnerable – all of us who have been targeted by sociopaths were vulnerable in some way. That’s what sociopaths do – they figure out our vulnerabilities and then use them against us.
Early in your article, you made a very important observation. You said:
This, in a nutshell, is where I recommend that you focus your efforts for healing. You can turn this experience around and use it as an incentive to recover. You can do it, and your life can be much better on the other side.
I am so glad there is a blog and support found here. I met my future husband at 18, I was just starting my 1st year of college- he was a senior in high school. He was very straight forward asking me for sex the first night we met, I was completely turned off. He was my best friends cousin so I thought he might me nice- well he was and I fell head over heals. I ignored all the signs- he basically lived at my house, he was embarrassed of his mother- he always said he wished anyone was his mother but her. He had his issues – we all do but this was different – he send me flowers professing his love within weeks of us dating, he coked me one day when he was at my house. My mom warned me he was a nice guy but not for me. I of course didn’t listen- I wanted to save him, I believed his sob story of his parents beating him, his father leaving the family, and his only connection was to his family- no friends- my friends of 25 years always said the me – he was a guy who didn’t look at you as a human being but looked at you as what he could get out of you- what was in it for him? He hated his mother- the two of them in a room was screaming, yelling, insults- he constantly called her nut job. He did defend me fearlessly when we were dating and married- his family hates any in-law or anyone coming into the family. The siblings had to stick together with their mom and she didn’t like any of her kids to be happy. She lived to create constant havoc. I realized he was disordered like his mom. Both terribly abusive, verbally- psychologically- I got pregnant while I was in college and he was insistent we get married. When we were living together – he wouldn’t pay the bills. He ignored them. Fast forward 25 years all together of dating, marriage and 5 children. I left a year ago and I feel so much better- no walking on egg shells, no stomach problems, my kids are healing too- we all did not deserve to be physically, phychologically, verbally abused. It was horrific! I left with my kids and had a restraining order on him- he broke it many times and one time the police thought he was being nice because he put flowers in my mailbox. I was very young in that relationship and it was serious too quick- I look back and wish I could have taken a different road because no one deserves abuse. How do you heal with your children? We have had no contact with him for a year and it really has been peaceful- it’s weird though because we lived on edge for so long- what’s normal?
Larissa21 – The longer you and your children are away from him, the better it will be. Still, you do need to make the decision to purposefully work on your recovery. Time doesn’t necessarily heal all ills – sometimes time just creates a scab with no healing underneath. So I recommend that you and the children work to recovery.
There are lots of ways to do this. Therapy is good if you can find a counsellor who understands. Prayer and yoga are good. We have several webinars that are good to start out.
The key is to make the decision to do it.
Donna: These horrifying nightmare stories of abuse need to be told in high school health classes (BEFORE) young people walk into toxic relationships BEFORE they even start dating! Experts, Advocates & Victims should ALL be in front of classrooms teaching about toxic, abusive relationships. (And not just for one day…). Is there a way to push Board of Ed in all school districts? Why isn’t this happening in our high schools? Just imagine how many lives & children would be saved…!
Joann,
Believe it or not, there is a law in New Jersey, where I am, that students must be taught about abusive dating. I used to do presentations in high schools. Since the law passed – I’ve done none!
What I hear is that there are so many mandates about what students must do that they can’t get everything done.