Last year, Slate published an article called My mother married her prison pen pal. A synopsis of the story is this: After 22 years of marriage, the author’s parents divorced. One day her mother receives a collect phone call from Joe, who was incarcerated. He dialed her phone number at random; thinking it was someone she knew who had the same name, the woman accepted the call. The prisoner asked the woman to write to him. She thought it was a good mentorship opportunity, so she did. Eventually, the woman married the guy.
Please pause now and read the story:
My mother married her prison pen pal
By Anna Balkrishna
The biggest myth
Mom knew that Joe was in jail—she started writing to him because she wanted to be a “positive influence” in his life. She fell for one of the biggest myths that our culture propagates: There’s good in everyone.
Unfortunately, it isn’t true. Despite the platitudes we’ve grown up with”—All men are created equal,” “Everyone deserves a chance,” “We’re all God’s children—”some people are rotten to the core. And they’re called sociopaths.
Joe worked his sociopathic magic, and Mom fell in love. So even when she married him, and then found out that he wasn’t in prison for vehicular manslaughter, he was really in prison for rape, she stood by him, and spent her retirement money on his lawyers. Balkrishna wrote:
She believed that he was put into her path for a purpose. She made a commitment: morally, to “turn him around” and wean him off his bad behaviors, and practically, to help him through his sentence and his parole until he could integrate back into free society. Once she made the commitment, she could not break it.
So Joe gets out of jail and guess what? He cheats on Mom. He stops looking for work and starts doing drugs. Eventually he ends up back in jail. Mom was heartbroken, and the author of the story makes a very telling observation:
Lovers are hard enough to give up, but ideals are even harder.
Discernment
Many of us know exactly what she means. Many of us tried to nurture that “poor, unloved child” under the abusive shell—only to find out that under the shell there was nothing.
We were crushed. We were deceived and emotionally destroyed, and we were forced to admit that our view of the world was deeply flawed.
Yes, our experiences with sociopaths were devastating. But I don’t believe that once we’ve encountered these predators, we have to totally give up on our ideals. However, we do need to recognize that our ideals can’t encompass everyone.
There are people who have been dealt a bad hand in life, and with understanding and assistance, can turn their lives around. They are worthy of our efforts. The sociopaths, however, will continue to do what they do, no matter how we persevere in our attempts to help them, save them, reform them. Once sociopaths are adults, they are not going to change.
We are not all created equal. We don’t all deserve a chance. We may all be God’s children, but some people have forgotten, and don’t care.
We need to be able to discern which people have a heart and a conscience, and which people don’t. Then, we can lavish our time, love and idealism on those who can benefit from our efforts. The others, we leave behind.
pollyannanomore
Oh my Erin! They can never just fade away quietly can they? I had dramas with mine all the way through the property split – right up till the day it was signed and beyond but I am very happy with it – he got exactly what he deserved and soon I will be divorced and my new life begins. I feel much stronger than I did six to eight months ago.
Realising it HAD to happen makes it sting less for some reason – it removes the doubt and confusion about the split – he was never ever going to be the man I needed and the man he presented in the beginning was fake so there was no point continuing the sham – it had run it’s course. Naturally within a couple of weeks he was with someone else – don’t they all do that? I am taking my time though and being very tentative about dating – I am meeting new people as friends and that;s perfect for me right now. I’d like to meet someone eventually but no hurries!
ErinBrock
Oh, he thought he was…..
Andthen BOOM! BUSTED!!!
He’d DIE if he knew I knew….
Let me tell you….
Im famous for saying everything happens for a reason….
IF I hadn’t googled his name when I did….I still would never know…..
It doesn’t show up anymore…..FUNNY!!!
TIMING IS EVERYTHING>…..and so is KARMA!!!
take it slooow.
I’m not doing a lot of dating …..not sure now this is what I need…….I’m in the transformation of EB stage….and I like it!!!
I’m with ya girl!
XXOO
EB
ErinBrock
I heard a song on the apprentice last week….and it got me thinking….
Your gonna have to weather your own storm……
Because…..I AIN”T YOUR BLUESKIES ANYMORE!
Rosa
I heard this song in the 80’s…. and it got me laughing. 🙂
This oldie goes out to all of the “Milli Vanilli” types out there…
Milli Vanilli knew the words, but they were not really singing the words….remember that????
Anywhooo, here’s some fraudulent music from the 80’s……
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NwrL9MV6jSk&feature=related
Rosa
Crashing the White House is nothing.
Heck, these guys WON A GRAMMY….without singing a freaking note!!!
ErinBrock
MiLLI VANILLI……CRACK me UP!!!!
I loved them…..Milli….was a hottie…..
what crushing news to hear they were FAKE!!!
I went to your page and listened to all the MV songs…brings back HS years….
He’s still hot though…..BUT A FAKE!!!
Leave it to ROSA …..our resident LF Disc jockey!
hens
milli vanilly ? find me something by Liza Manilli, Rosa and I will tip ya good!!
Rosa
Thank you, Erin Brock.
I believe there is healing in music, just like laughter.
learning
When I first moved from city to home in suburbs every once in a while my portable telephone would pick up my neighbors telephone conversations. One night I was on my portable and my neighbor was saying:
I kmow she is the neighborhood slut… she never comes home at night and when she finally rolls around its around breakfast time….I know she is doing it all night long…blah..blah blah… I WAS GLUED to the phone 🙂 I couldnt hang up trying to hear which neighbor they were gossiping about. Then she said, yep Maggie is def the neighborhood slut!
Maggie being her CAT!!!!!
Also EB, I saw last weeks episode with the country singer singing Blue Skies…she was good. We watch because Bret Michaels charity is American Diabetes Assoc…couldnt believe his daughter was just diagnosed too. And just today found out Bret is in ICU for a massive brain hemmorage yesterday…it sounds very concerning. I hope he is ok.
Rosa you always crack me up…Won a grammy without singing a freaking note!!!! LOL SOOOOO TRUE!!
Rosa
Here’s some Liza for you, Henry.
I would also like to dedicate this to our NYC boy, Matt.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KLeC9RvrKrU