Last year, Slate published an article called My mother married her prison pen pal. A synopsis of the story is this: After 22 years of marriage, the author’s parents divorced. One day her mother receives a collect phone call from Joe, who was incarcerated. He dialed her phone number at random; thinking it was someone she knew who had the same name, the woman accepted the call. The prisoner asked the woman to write to him. She thought it was a good mentorship opportunity, so she did. Eventually, the woman married the guy.
Please pause now and read the story:
My mother married her prison pen pal
By Anna Balkrishna
The biggest myth
Mom knew that Joe was in jail—she started writing to him because she wanted to be a “positive influence” in his life. She fell for one of the biggest myths that our culture propagates: There’s good in everyone.
Unfortunately, it isn’t true. Despite the platitudes we’ve grown up with”—All men are created equal,” “Everyone deserves a chance,” “We’re all God’s children—”some people are rotten to the core. And they’re called sociopaths.
Joe worked his sociopathic magic, and Mom fell in love. So even when she married him, and then found out that he wasn’t in prison for vehicular manslaughter, he was really in prison for rape, she stood by him, and spent her retirement money on his lawyers. Balkrishna wrote:
She believed that he was put into her path for a purpose. She made a commitment: morally, to “turn him around” and wean him off his bad behaviors, and practically, to help him through his sentence and his parole until he could integrate back into free society. Once she made the commitment, she could not break it.
So Joe gets out of jail and guess what? He cheats on Mom. He stops looking for work and starts doing drugs. Eventually he ends up back in jail. Mom was heartbroken, and the author of the story makes a very telling observation:
Lovers are hard enough to give up, but ideals are even harder.
Discernment
Many of us know exactly what she means. Many of us tried to nurture that “poor, unloved child” under the abusive shell—only to find out that under the shell there was nothing.
We were crushed. We were deceived and emotionally destroyed, and we were forced to admit that our view of the world was deeply flawed.
Yes, our experiences with sociopaths were devastating. But I don’t believe that once we’ve encountered these predators, we have to totally give up on our ideals. However, we do need to recognize that our ideals can’t encompass everyone.
There are people who have been dealt a bad hand in life, and with understanding and assistance, can turn their lives around. They are worthy of our efforts. The sociopaths, however, will continue to do what they do, no matter how we persevere in our attempts to help them, save them, reform them. Once sociopaths are adults, they are not going to change.
We are not all created equal. We don’t all deserve a chance. We may all be God’s children, but some people have forgotten, and don’t care.
We need to be able to discern which people have a heart and a conscience, and which people don’t. Then, we can lavish our time, love and idealism on those who can benefit from our efforts. The others, we leave behind.
Erin I will get down with you to the Bee Gees – have been a fan from way back! And Sade – there’s a song she did entitled King of Sorrow that makes me think of the spath – “I’m crying everyone’s tears …”
One of my fave anti spath songs at the moment is “remedy” by Little Boots
“I can see you stalking like a predator, I’ve been there before. I can read those velvet eyes and all I see is lies. No more poison killing my emotions I will not be frozen, dancing is my remedy, remedy. So stop stop praying cause I’m not not playing – I’m not frozen, dancing is my remedy.”
Sure it’s a little poppy and cheesy but it kind of sums up the predation and the aspects of being frozen afterwards. It’s my eff you anthem at present when I’m dancing round the house that is ALL MINE!!!
Everyone have a wonderful spath free weekend – you’re worth it!
Polly:
The song which gives me the evil smile…..is
Carrie Underwoods Before he cheats…..
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pjs11PXYc10&feature=related
This song is an analogy of sorts of what I did to the spath…..
Carved my name into his ‘legacy’…..cuz there IS NO MORE LEGACY!!!!
It always makes me smile…..
I’m gonna go find your song now…and listen to it…and off to bed….I;m pooped!
Have a good day over the pond…..
You know who i love….
I bought both her CD’s in Whales about 15 years…..had a hard time finding the CD over here….
DINA CARROLL…..
OMG….I listened to her CD’s all throughout England…I still love her music…..
One of the things the spath took when he left was ALL our CD’s……
So on one of my counter control visits to my condo where he was living, he had all the CD’s in box’s in a bedroom……I took ALL the cd’s out of the cases and just left him the cases….
That’s 50/50 isn’t it?????
Spath back atcha babe……
Hey….game works both ways! 🙂
He didn’t know it until he moved out (court ordered)…..he ended up leaving all the cases behind….I BET HE WAS PISSED!!!!
Oh jeez Erin – mine took all the music too – every last CD. And somehow he managed to bust the players before he left as well – I can’t play a cd on either of the machines. Well if I HAD a cd I couldn’t play it. The only ones he left were ones that were scratched and couldn’t be played anyway.
Nice work you on getting them back. I am afraid I had to kiss mine goodbye – wasn’t worth getting the lawyer to fight over them – just a few cds that can be replaced. Doesn’t matter. I got everything else – he can keep the lousy cds and dvds – don’t care a bit!
Have a nice sleep – off to listen to that song about before he cheats 😛
ErinBrock,
My sister told me this week that I have to essentially give up the hope (fantasy) that this man will change, becoming something that he’s not, a man with integrity, one who provides for his family. I have worked for four years, having the same job that I currently have. These are hard times. Obviously, I married someone that turned out to be a total dud, never wanting my daughter to duplicate the experience. I’m in my 40’s and realistically I have to take on another job (part-time or full-time), so it’s time to do so. I can be proud of myself for small things, like keeping a roof over our heads because he hasn’t helped with the mortgage in over a year’s time. Fortunately, my family has been supportive of me (some more than others), being appreciative of their emotional support and occasional financial support. I am so sorry that your parents were unavailable during the tough times, knowing how jarring some of our life experiences can be. Your post had me thinking during the night, reminding me that I CAN take control of my life, each day being about living the way that I want to, existing in a peaceful, joyful manner, no matter what my h-spath does or doesn’t do. For me, I have to get past worry and fear. Take care and have a good day.
Learning –
I loved the story about the neighborhood slut, turning out to be a cat. Funny!
Bluejay, HUGS to you!!! If you have a network of support, you will survive this just fine.
The worry and fear can be managed. They are both collateral damage and will develop into vigilance and inner strength. Worry and fear are delightful tools of the spath, even when the spath isn’t a spouse or romantic partner! Keeping that worry/fear in play keeps the source targets (don’t you just love how generic that sounds?) off-balance, in doubt, and full of anxiety. It’s much easier to control someone who is off-balance, and they put a great deal of energy into maintaining that sense of anxiety.
Brightest blessings.
bluejay:
That was monumental for me…..was the minute I realized REALLY…..HE WON”T CHANGE.
This is where th knowledge of sociopaths really helped me…..
THEY DON”T CHANGE!!!
They don’t!
3 years out of my relationship…..It is sooooo confirmed…..
THEY DON”T CHANGE.
Damn glad I figured it out when I did….or i’d still be waiting for the crumbs……
Buttons –
Hugs to you! Like everyone, I simply desire a settled existence without anymore DRAMA. Take care and have a good rest of the day.
One Step,
I read your response to me waaaaay up there on the thread.
I believe you and I are much on the same parcel of road dealing with the PTSD symptoms. And I recognize the crippling effect that these can have on a daily basis.
I was originally diagnosed with this many years ago, after my husband died. And back then I had a very difficult time, at first especially because I was having panic attacks as well.
But over the years I thought that I was managing the PTS symptoms well and moving forward. I had two goals back then and I realized full well that I needed to “get it together” in order to attain these goals.
Initially, I was so very overwhelmed. I couldn’t think straight. I am a thinker…..This is what I do. I had some important decisions to make. And I was emotionally distrought.
I had to simplify to the MAXIMUM.
My goals were to raise my kids, and be there for them as a “full time” parent, seeing as both my kids were minus a hands on dad. (one through divorce, and one by death) And somehow get through the grieveing process of the suicide as well. Suicide really complicates grieving. I knew that I couldn’t set this grieving process aside, (for later) because I needed to be emotionally available to my kids. However in order to do this I really needed to focus all of my attention on these two important things. And not get side tracked on other energy sucking things that I needed to do, or thought I needed to do.
I didn’t feel like I had the energy to take on anything else at the time. Such as going back to school to “prepare” for the future. This seemed important at the time as well but was one of those things that got “set aside”.
I couldn’t think so much about the future….This seemed to overwhelm me even more, thinking about the future. I learned to live in the right now. It was all about what I could do on any given day. ONE DAY at a time.
I kind of learned early on that I did need to step to the plate, and help wasn’t going to be forthcoming. It was me, myself and I, that I had to depend on and learn to wear the different “hats” in the family.
After many years of feeling like I had managed, I have now found myself right back where I started with the PTSD. It makes me angry. Like I have come full circle again. It feels now as if I have done little more that “survive” through those years and maybe I wasn’t managing at all and moving forward….(as I had thought I was)
I have recently started to ride myself harder because I am so tired of feeling incompetent in so many areas of my life. My future is still overwhelming because I have done nothing to prepare for it.
I listen to friends my age and their retirement plans and what they look forward to in the future.
I am still on the ONE day at a time plan. All of my energy is drained, or so it seems. And I have to make myself pursue ahead. I am trying to have obtainable goals again. But all seems outside of my comfort zone. And this is where I have to ride myself hard. Getting out of my comfort zone. Pushing myself harder.
I think you are sounding like you are figuring this all out for yourself. When to be gentle with yourself, when to compartmentalize, when to ask for help, when to do things on your own.
It’s really about knowing ourselves internally.
You asked me what motivates me? I am trying to figure out what motivates me now? For many years it was my kids…
Now, maybe I am having a bit of an identity crisis? What “hat” do I wear now? I’m not sure? But I know I need to get past this feeling of failure. And not define myself soley by what has transpired with my son.
Looking over at you on your path……
xxxx