Last year, Slate published an article called My mother married her prison pen pal. A synopsis of the story is this: After 22 years of marriage, the author’s parents divorced. One day her mother receives a collect phone call from Joe, who was incarcerated. He dialed her phone number at random; thinking it was someone she knew who had the same name, the woman accepted the call. The prisoner asked the woman to write to him. She thought it was a good mentorship opportunity, so she did. Eventually, the woman married the guy.
Please pause now and read the story:
My mother married her prison pen pal
By Anna Balkrishna
The biggest myth
Mom knew that Joe was in jail—she started writing to him because she wanted to be a “positive influence” in his life. She fell for one of the biggest myths that our culture propagates: There’s good in everyone.
Unfortunately, it isn’t true. Despite the platitudes we’ve grown up with”—All men are created equal,” “Everyone deserves a chance,” “We’re all God’s children—”some people are rotten to the core. And they’re called sociopaths.
Joe worked his sociopathic magic, and Mom fell in love. So even when she married him, and then found out that he wasn’t in prison for vehicular manslaughter, he was really in prison for rape, she stood by him, and spent her retirement money on his lawyers. Balkrishna wrote:
She believed that he was put into her path for a purpose. She made a commitment: morally, to “turn him around” and wean him off his bad behaviors, and practically, to help him through his sentence and his parole until he could integrate back into free society. Once she made the commitment, she could not break it.
So Joe gets out of jail and guess what? He cheats on Mom. He stops looking for work and starts doing drugs. Eventually he ends up back in jail. Mom was heartbroken, and the author of the story makes a very telling observation:
Lovers are hard enough to give up, but ideals are even harder.
Discernment
Many of us know exactly what she means. Many of us tried to nurture that “poor, unloved child” under the abusive shell—only to find out that under the shell there was nothing.
We were crushed. We were deceived and emotionally destroyed, and we were forced to admit that our view of the world was deeply flawed.
Yes, our experiences with sociopaths were devastating. But I don’t believe that once we’ve encountered these predators, we have to totally give up on our ideals. However, we do need to recognize that our ideals can’t encompass everyone.
There are people who have been dealt a bad hand in life, and with understanding and assistance, can turn their lives around. They are worthy of our efforts. The sociopaths, however, will continue to do what they do, no matter how we persevere in our attempts to help them, save them, reform them. Once sociopaths are adults, they are not going to change.
We are not all created equal. We don’t all deserve a chance. We may all be God’s children, but some people have forgotten, and don’t care.
We need to be able to discern which people have a heart and a conscience, and which people don’t. Then, we can lavish our time, love and idealism on those who can benefit from our efforts. The others, we leave behind.
Witty I am so glad I just read this latest post of yours.{re delayed PTSD.} I was feeling really really dumb and STOOPID,{to quote OXY, who is FAR from stoopid.}The reason was It is 30 years since the terrible events happened,{studio and paintings trashed, house vandalised.me being bashed and hispitalised,} But Id never had the luxury of time to go there in my head, so I kept it all inside, simmering away, in a toxic brew!Thereason I felt dumb was that I felt GUILTY for still feeling so bad after 30 plus years!
Then when my older spath D had her kids, I knew I had to keep “Stum” in order to be allowed to see the GKs,{even then, I had to beg quite often to see them.}So, I squelched down all the hurt, pain, anger, on and on.Its only NOW, some 30 plus years later that its a ll coming out, and its HARD! Worse than giving birth! But I know for my very survival I HAVE to get it out, and ina way that it doesnt leave me bitter and vengeful. Not easy!I DONT want to end up a bitter person
As Joyce meyer says, “Wishing evil on a person who has hurt you, is like drinking poison yourself, and hoping your enemy dies! And usually they,{the enemy} is not even aware of you at all, and could care less!
Just had an Epiphany, {sorry EB! to borrow the pets name,LOL!!} They {my adult daughters}
,are the ENEMY!!.This is the unvarnished truth.Are they on my side? NO. Do they love, and care for me? NO. Are they kind and loving to me? NO. have they actively plotted and planned to do me ill, to cause me pain and mental anguish.to deny me their kids, to use me for cash,do they give a rats behind about me?NO! Are they my FRIENDS? No. Would they come to my funeral? Only if they thought there was money left to them.So why do I continue to agonise over them? THEY ARE NOT WORTH A PINCH OF SHIAT!! Im getting there, but its very very hard, and I keep digging into deeper layers of SHIAT!! Love, mama Gem.XX
Witty – you and i are coming here at about the same intervals right now. 🙂 i don’t have a lot of time on the computer at the library so i have copied your post and will work on it at home.
passing over a nice chicken sandwich and a cup of tea for a short rest on the trail…
xxx one step
Witty,
There is something about rising to care for others that makes the rough going possible. Why, I would like to know, is it so much easier than rising to care for ourselves. I am not looking for answers in the usual places ”“ the psychological and sociological impact of how we have been raised as women and traumatized as children, but rather I am trying to understand as I go along, why I don’t believe, in the face of all the evidence, that I am as important and worthy as some make believe boy.
It’s like the toggle switch for ’precious and needs protection’ toggle switch is permanently in the off position. I do a lot in the name of taking care of myself, but there just seems to be something missing ”“ self appreciation, or? I don’t know. Somehow, I can rise to being there for another, and not do it for myself. somehow i see that others need love and light and that i will give it to them, but not to myself.I am trying to change this. I wouldn’t put up with the way I treat myself form another person, and I am trying very hard to squish the haranguing voice within me.
When my computer went down recently, it severely limited my internet access. I was traveling from place to place to do different things, and it helped a lot. Even when I was sick and couldn’t get online, because I couldn’t get out, it was still positive. I am less likely to get overwhelmed by the sheer amount of what I need to get done because I am not hopping fro one foot to the other. And because I have been able to work on some of my job search where I could get some feedback ”“ and that tells me I am too isolated.
I am getting more balanced. Now, I don’t want to give so much to others; I see how it drains me of what I need for myself. And I need to get and stay focused. Being focused is terribly calming ”“ both being engaged and getting things done.
I am still waiting for my referral for the PTSD and anxiety evaluation, and I also want to be evaluated for ADD/ ADHD. I have heard that it often doesn’t show itself in women until they are severely traumatized. It could well be that my lack of focus is completely due to PTSD and the chemical exposures I have had, but I also want to check this out. Another piece to the puzzle.
I was listening to the radio and the host was talking about savings and retirement plans ”“ I got really upset. But I decided to listen through anyway ”“ yes I have nothing, and I can’t think past today or I get overwhelmed, but listening to it was liberating. I HAVE to do something radical, and I believe that will be creating or joining a community where people can share resources. I lived ina housing coop (hyphen removed for editorial reasons) for 7 years, and have lived in a couple of religious retreat centres in Europe for extended periods of time, so I am not a neophyte, but I think I am really reaching a tipping point in terms of need, so I am starting to read. There is a new book on community, that by all accounts has a good reputation. I was at a meeting for an economic board I sit on yesterday and was talking with someone who values this about book, and said that I have put it on hold at the library and that I want to get a discussion group together to read it and discuss the ideas, with an eye to knowing what we can do in to create more sustaining and sustainable communities, so that PEOPLE can live with enough security to be able to give their best, and get the best others have to offer. And I suspect this group will happen. In a way I have to just climb over the dead bodies of regret and terror that I am living with, move out of all that is not working and move directly into the direction where I think salvation may lay, for many of us in the world. I can longer afford the luxury of messing around with my friends who think that one day something is magically going to appear to help them out. They are in huge denial about their socio/economic futures ”“ they are barely hanging on as it is, and they will not be able to continue as they get older.
After reading your post and your statement about moving out of solely identifying yourself by what happened with your son/ your feeling of failure; and reading a couple of silver’s recent raw posts I realize what is changing for me. I have been living in the feeling THAT MY LIFE COUNTED ON getting through/ making all the sleuthing/ outing /dealing with the burgeoning evidence about the ppath and her evil doing. This has changed in the last three weeks as the taste for the fight has completely left me. I may still engage, but it repulses me. I see it pull me down. I live, and for the moment, I cannot muster an interest the ppath and the things left undone.
Looking over at you on your path—
I have some nice roasted almonds”
xxx one step
One Step,
I really, really GET that One, I really do. That change in you in the last three weeks. Its not so important anymore. Because when you come to the other side, and this other place……The fight isn’t so important any more.
The fight keeps us in a mode that doesn’t allow as much time for focusing on much else. It really can be consuming. I also believe that when we are in fight mode, there is a false belief that after the fight is over there will be a “closure”. A “win” in a mass of the losses, so to speak. But the real win is when we are healing.
However when that “fight” isn’t about divorce, something that must be done…….Or custody battles……
It is then a choice. A very personal choice.
And I think, like with most everything else, there is a price to pay for this choice. Especially when there is PTSD to deal with as well. The price, is our energy. Something that we have to ration.
Sometimes life has a way of throwing things our way that at first trouble us and later can be seen as a blessing in disguise. Like your computer virus. This actually made you s-i-m-p-l-i-f-y even more! Although I am sure at first it wasn’t percieved as that. When we have to go to the library and use public computers it MAKES us manage our time, down to the minute. I have had this experience the last time my computer crashed. In the end, I actually used my time more efficiently on the computer. I was forced to.
I think you are doing really well on your path. And using your energy wisely.
I also can relate to trying to understand why it is difficult for us to take care of ourselves (in a caring and gentle way) and it seems to be more of a “natural thing” to take care of others.
I am learning as I go along. I think it has to do alot with peeling back more layers. Internally we have to believe that we deserve to GET what we GIVE. Does that make any sense?
We need to raise the bar on how others can treat us, as well as how we treat ourselves.
Seems to me that it is important to exhaust oneself of the urge to know and to manifest some result in all of this.
It would be easier if it was easier to just walk away from it…
But in a way we do. And what we do is quite literally to walk on in life. Do other things, be other places and be pleasantly surprised about how normal life can really be around not SPATHS.
Big energy and interest for sustainable living up in Ft Collins, CO. Of course they are also about to be next door to a Uranium mine (see POWERTECH.COM and http://www.NUNNGLOW.COM) but the concept is very popular there and there is a program about it that is international at Colorado State University.
Yes, the whole experience feels defining until you get out and start doing other things, interacting with people outside the story of the SPATH. And then , the thing you are engaged in right then, takes over for that time. And its like getting sleep.
After that, well…..
Pomegranate Martini recipe
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1 oz vodka
1/2 oz Cointreau® orange liqueur
3 oz pomegranate juice
Combine ingredients in a cocktail shaker 1/4 filled with chopped ice. Shake and strain into a cocktail glass. Serve with a squeeze of lemon.
witty – LIKE THIS: ‘deserve to GET what we GIVE’.
i would be in heaven, if someone gave what i have given in relationships. i can’t even imagine it. That in itself, speaks volumes.
bar rising over here.
and nice to actually be here at the same time. 😉
looks like there may be a little gardening to do over on ‘dangers of online dating’, and that work is best done with friends…
Silver – well, all my peeps are here tongiht!
‘and its like getting sleep.’ YES and YES!
would you shake me one please….it would be lovely.
silver – thanks for the info. will check it out. am reading a book about intentional communities in the US right now.
I have wanted to go to findhorn for years.
One,
I saw that…Boy I am not in the mood today for it either.
I feel like I could be a B—ch today dealing with something like that! Lol.
No pulling weeds for me tonight….
Silver,
I want one to. And some roasted almonds as well please.