Last year, Slate published an article called My mother married her prison pen pal. A synopsis of the story is this: After 22 years of marriage, the author’s parents divorced. One day her mother receives a collect phone call from Joe, who was incarcerated. He dialed her phone number at random; thinking it was someone she knew who had the same name, the woman accepted the call. The prisoner asked the woman to write to him. She thought it was a good mentorship opportunity, so she did. Eventually, the woman married the guy.
Please pause now and read the story:
My mother married her prison pen pal
By Anna Balkrishna
The biggest myth
Mom knew that Joe was in jail—she started writing to him because she wanted to be a “positive influence” in his life. She fell for one of the biggest myths that our culture propagates: There’s good in everyone.
Unfortunately, it isn’t true. Despite the platitudes we’ve grown up with”—All men are created equal,” “Everyone deserves a chance,” “We’re all God’s children—”some people are rotten to the core. And they’re called sociopaths.
Joe worked his sociopathic magic, and Mom fell in love. So even when she married him, and then found out that he wasn’t in prison for vehicular manslaughter, he was really in prison for rape, she stood by him, and spent her retirement money on his lawyers. Balkrishna wrote:
She believed that he was put into her path for a purpose. She made a commitment: morally, to “turn him around” and wean him off his bad behaviors, and practically, to help him through his sentence and his parole until he could integrate back into free society. Once she made the commitment, she could not break it.
So Joe gets out of jail and guess what? He cheats on Mom. He stops looking for work and starts doing drugs. Eventually he ends up back in jail. Mom was heartbroken, and the author of the story makes a very telling observation:
Lovers are hard enough to give up, but ideals are even harder.
Discernment
Many of us know exactly what she means. Many of us tried to nurture that “poor, unloved child” under the abusive shell—only to find out that under the shell there was nothing.
We were crushed. We were deceived and emotionally destroyed, and we were forced to admit that our view of the world was deeply flawed.
Yes, our experiences with sociopaths were devastating. But I don’t believe that once we’ve encountered these predators, we have to totally give up on our ideals. However, we do need to recognize that our ideals can’t encompass everyone.
There are people who have been dealt a bad hand in life, and with understanding and assistance, can turn their lives around. They are worthy of our efforts. The sociopaths, however, will continue to do what they do, no matter how we persevere in our attempts to help them, save them, reform them. Once sociopaths are adults, they are not going to change.
We are not all created equal. We don’t all deserve a chance. We may all be God’s children, but some people have forgotten, and don’t care.
We need to be able to discern which people have a heart and a conscience, and which people don’t. Then, we can lavish our time, love and idealism on those who can benefit from our efforts. The others, we leave behind.
OxD, I also appreciate your ability to present a clear view of things. “Religion” is one of the most favored tools, I think. As you pointed out so perfectly, it’s the forgiveness of sins and all that rubbish that the spaths connect with, NOT the “forgiveness of sins, and don’t DO IT, AGAIN!”
Child of God……..no, they don’t experience that or even have a frame of reference. In SpathWorld, there is only one god and one inhabitant, and the spath fills both job descriptions.
Dear One-step,
Not everyone does DESERVE A “chance.” Or a second chance or a final chance! I think there are some crimes that are such that ONE violation should take the perp out of the community FOREVER. Period. NO second chance. If they really do find Jesus and repent, that’s wonderful and they will have their entire natural life to preach Jesus in prison to the other inmates.
In a book I read recently about emotional abuse the author pointed out that it is very common for people to stand silently by while others are verbally abused and “be so tolerant” that they will not make a moral judgment no matter what the action.
When I was a young woman there was a woman Named Kitty Genovese (spelling?) who was murdered and 20+ people either saw or heard it and NO ONE called the police. People even looked out their windows, then turned away and closed the windows. She was attacked for half an hour or so, screaming for help and NO ONE EVEN CALLED THE POLICE. That event sparked all kinds of studies in what people should and would do in cases like that. I think the bottom line was that the more people who witnessed something like that the less llikely anyone of them was to help, each one counting on the “other guy” to help.
But this is NOTHING new in human nature, remember the story of the Good Samaritan in the Bible? The “priest” and the other “upstanding” folks walked by on the other side of the road when they saw the beaten and wounded man, but the Samaritan who was considered by the other Jews as “low life white trash” was the one who had compassion on the wounded man and helped him.
Too many people who are “upstanding citizens” or “deeply religious” are anything but compassionate and caring. Too many psychopaths mask themselves as “good guys” by sitting up front at church or at the “do gooders” groups, but the bottom line is they could care less about anyone except themselves. It is just a good front. By looking at how people demonstrate compassion to those less fortunate than themselves we see how they are inside.
It isn’t giving a can of food to a food drive that shows you are compassionate, it is giving the next-to-the-LAST CAN of food you have. (remember, you must take care of yourself too!)
Sadly, there are people in the churches who don’t know what these guys are and they let them into places where they should not be.
I will never forget the man who was introduced into the children’s service and exclaimed ” I just got out of San Quentin and I am happy to be here!”
All the moms FREAKED OUT!
The minister insisted that the doors of the church were open to all and we all said FINE” OUR KIDS AREN”T GOING THROUGH THEM!”
Ox,
I remeber Kitty Genovese’s story. It is a compelling one for may reasons.
its why we teach kids now to yell FIRE not HELP.
Sad state of affairs. Compellingly so.
How long does it take to stop thinking EVERYBODY is an S- or worse?
There must be more than 5 million. I swear I think the world is full of them.
Full of them!
Hi all, I have been on here before – I have been reading since 2007 – so none of you are new to me – not really a welcome back as much as – how are you all doing?
Anyhow.
Quick version. Met S when I was 16. I Had a Son at 20. psychologists were telling me the S was a sociopath from 1994-1998. Wasn’t sure what it really meant, so I kept giving him chances and believing his lies. I am now NC for more than 18-months.
Anyhow, as it turns out, my sons Paternal Grandmother is the Queen Sociopath. She also claims to be an Ordained Pentecostal minister. However, at her 14-year-old nephews funeral (He was killed by a drunk driver when he was walking from a football game to get a hamburger) approached me, and asked me if I was… well…. me. I told her ‘of course its me – You know its me’…then she said “well, I couldn’t tell – you’ve gotten so fat.” I ask you – is this the conduct of a God loving, God Fearing Pentecostal minister? The was a FUNERAL of a murdered 14-year-old boy. And this woman starts this….’stuff’…I really think she was trying to get cussed out.
The woman, as it turns out, has been evicted from every space she has rented in the county, residential and business for her “churches”. Found multiple records for her in the County’s’ Superior Court website. She has been sued by credit card companies, landlords, dentists (has a full set of veneers) and hair stylists for bad checks. Now she is a foster parent, receiving full disability from SSA and has a couple of foster kids along with their foster children grant checks. I have NEVER known her to have a job a day in her life. She has been married 6 or seven times and lived in four states. At 20-years old, she told a man that the son she just gave birth to was his, went so far as putting this mans name ‘Jones’on the Birth certificate (I pulled it from county records – so I know the story is true). This was a con – she was just trying to trap poor Mr ‘Jones’. The man on the birth certificate walked away. As time went on she enrolled the son in school using his REAL fathers last name ‘Smith’ – but she forgot all about the birth certificate…and the name ‘Jones’ listed with Social Security. When the S was 25, he found out that his birth certificate said ‘Jones’ instead of ‘Smith’ like he always believed, and his mom had to confess the story. Now neither of the ‘S’ children have HIS legal last name – He is using ‘Jones’ and the kids are using ‘Smith’.
My son, her grandson, He will be 20 in May, wants nothing to do with her or anyone in the family. He has seen what it is like to live in peace, and he is not going back to chaos and drama. Last time he saw his father, his father made a big huge scene over nothing; it was too crazy for words. It made no sense. My son hasn’t seen him since.
Anyway, I digress, Seems for a sociopath, The quickest route to anybodies good nature seems to be God. And Sociopaths know it. It is very sad. On the ‘S’ arm he has his only tattoo – “without God I am nothing”. The hypocrisy of this family is more than I can stomach.
I’m not sure why this article bothered me. Maybe my own issues. In reading the responses of others, I certainly felt that I was on my own.
I’ve been reading, “People of the Lie”, By M. Scott Peck, and the thesis is basically this: That human evil hides in the guise of caring. Period. Evil is self-agrandising.
I might hav emy own issues, but in reading this article, I could not see this daughter’s real concern about her mother, at all.
I heard a tone in the daughters voice of superiority, throughout. I felt that she enjoyed outing her mothers “stupidity” and didn’t even rejoice in the fact that she was doing well, in the aftermath. I thought she enjoyed publicising the fact, that her Mom was taken by a psychopath.
And writing an article, and getting aprobation from it, at someone elses expense, is, in my opinion, pretty narrcisisstic…
and to pretend to care…just down-right evil, at least as M. Scott Peck would describe it. Just my 2 cents o the subject. Always open to another point of viw. I could be wrong.
I just kept thinking, though, this daughter ought to be thinking, “there but for the grace of God go I.”
Oxy, Hi! Re your son in jail quoting scripture, even satan could and can quote scripture. When he tempted Christ in the wilderness, satan said,
“it is written,” but Christ refuted all satans arguments by saying,”It is written AGAIN!!,” Satan knows the Bible off by heart!he was quoting it to try to trap Jesus, but he picked the wrong guy!
Then he,{satan} offered Christ all the Kingdoms of the world if he would worship satan, I used to wonder,”How could s. do that?’ they werent his to offer. But they were! When Adam and eve sold out to satan, he then became the Prince of this world, and he still rules in this world, the only escape as I see it is to be on Christs side, and He will vindicate us.THATs why we are in such a fierce battle, we are on the winning side!
Christ said,”If they persecuted me they WILL persecute you. A servant is not greater than his master.”In other words, “If the devil aint shootin at you, you aint worth the price of a bullett!
So in a way its a back handed compliment that satan wants us dead! “In this world you WILL have tribulation, He said,but “FEAR NOT!! I have overcome the world!
Love, mama Gem.XXX
Karl “Baby face’ Williams, a notorious underworld killer who committed at least 4 murders athet he fessed up to, has been beaten to death in his maximum security jail near Melbourne, Australia.,yesterday. His death happened on the same night {coincidence? NOT!!}as the last instalment on TV of the hugely popular Tv series,”Underbelly”, about his life, the mafia, drugs, cons, corruption, hookers, the police, etc etc., came out last night. These guys were his “best friends” in jail, and he was allowed 6 hoursa week as time out to play sport with these guys. They beat him to death with the handle bars of the sports bike belonging to one of them. What do you reckon?
Australia has a long History of supporting and glorying in violence, the underworld, crooks, bad boys, etc. Im disgusted at how violence , crime and corruption is lauded and glorified in Australia.Todays news, spoken in reverent, hushed tones by the newsreaders, is all about how reporters are flocking to the home of this guys parents, staking them out, trying to get a “story”.Baby Face Williams always had
a smirk on his chubby, fat face, even when he was being led from the courthouse in cuffs.Now it turns out that the Police force had paid for his kids to go to an expensive private school!! WTF??!!As Oxy says, “Where is the PUKE emoticon when you need it??Love, gem.
What I also meant to say is, LAW OF KARMA IN ACTION!! Yay,EB!!! Love, gem,XX
Guys, you know our battle cry ,TOWANDA, from the movie “Fried green tomatoes”,it could mean this, to us,—
“TO,W Ards a New DAy!!” A brand -new, spath- free day!
TOWANDA to us All!! mama Gem.XX