Last year, Slate published an article called My mother married her prison pen pal. A synopsis of the story is this: After 22 years of marriage, the author’s parents divorced. One day her mother receives a collect phone call from Joe, who was incarcerated. He dialed her phone number at random; thinking it was someone she knew who had the same name, the woman accepted the call. The prisoner asked the woman to write to him. She thought it was a good mentorship opportunity, so she did. Eventually, the woman married the guy.
Please pause now and read the story:
My mother married her prison pen pal
By Anna Balkrishna
The biggest myth
Mom knew that Joe was in jail—she started writing to him because she wanted to be a “positive influence” in his life. She fell for one of the biggest myths that our culture propagates: There’s good in everyone.
Unfortunately, it isn’t true. Despite the platitudes we’ve grown up with”—All men are created equal,” “Everyone deserves a chance,” “We’re all God’s children—”some people are rotten to the core. And they’re called sociopaths.
Joe worked his sociopathic magic, and Mom fell in love. So even when she married him, and then found out that he wasn’t in prison for vehicular manslaughter, he was really in prison for rape, she stood by him, and spent her retirement money on his lawyers. Balkrishna wrote:
She believed that he was put into her path for a purpose. She made a commitment: morally, to “turn him around” and wean him off his bad behaviors, and practically, to help him through his sentence and his parole until he could integrate back into free society. Once she made the commitment, she could not break it.
So Joe gets out of jail and guess what? He cheats on Mom. He stops looking for work and starts doing drugs. Eventually he ends up back in jail. Mom was heartbroken, and the author of the story makes a very telling observation:
Lovers are hard enough to give up, but ideals are even harder.
Discernment
Many of us know exactly what she means. Many of us tried to nurture that “poor, unloved child” under the abusive shell—only to find out that under the shell there was nothing.
We were crushed. We were deceived and emotionally destroyed, and we were forced to admit that our view of the world was deeply flawed.
Yes, our experiences with sociopaths were devastating. But I don’t believe that once we’ve encountered these predators, we have to totally give up on our ideals. However, we do need to recognize that our ideals can’t encompass everyone.
There are people who have been dealt a bad hand in life, and with understanding and assistance, can turn their lives around. They are worthy of our efforts. The sociopaths, however, will continue to do what they do, no matter how we persevere in our attempts to help them, save them, reform them. Once sociopaths are adults, they are not going to change.
We are not all created equal. We don’t all deserve a chance. We may all be God’s children, but some people have forgotten, and don’t care.
We need to be able to discern which people have a heart and a conscience, and which people don’t. Then, we can lavish our time, love and idealism on those who can benefit from our efforts. The others, we leave behind.
Kim, My spath daughter is just the same. She acts SO superior,as if she is an elevated, entitled, being. She has no humility, just like the daughter you mention. Any compassion she is trying to put out is a ll FAKE. Im convinced they feel NO compassion, they have no finer feelings at all.A good friend of mine, now dead, Dee, said to me when D was about 13 or 14,
“theres something wrong with your daughter. She is emotionally FLAT. Havent you noticed it?”Of course at the time I was offended, but boy, she was right, as it turned out!
Its like something vital is missing. Also, she doesnt “get “humour, sarcasm, irony, fun,{unless its at someones expense!}Should we feel sorry for them, because something is lacking in their brain chemistry?I think we should feel sorrier for ourselves, and put the greatest distance between them and us! They have NO remorse, NO pity,and they NEVER change. Ive been waiting for my D to change since she was 16, shes now 46 in2 months . She hasnt changed.She is a compulsive liar, even when her lies are caught out,she is now THIEf, she embezzled, ie stole,A$62,000 from a company she worked for and “laundered it’ thru another company, who sacked her when an audit was done and she was found out.What sad, sorry sick ass holes they are! they are their own worst enemies! Love, Gem.XX
Kim,
I hear your unease. And I reflect on the article about how families are considered a control for released inmates and most can’t deal with the SPATH because the disorder is OUT OF THEIR LEAGUE
And I think of myself and the woman to who the man who used to sleep here are both married on the premise that even with starting from nothing, something could be built and a life could be made at the intersection of love and hard work.
Well, neither are characteristics of a Spath and the part where they have the greatest opportunity to betray. I refer back in this line of thought to Donna Andersen’s story.
The truth is that when you partner, you have a reasonable expectation of being able to depend on your partner. When someone decieves with intent to defraud, take advantage and go for a ride, then its just not good. It doesn’t work.
Erin Brock’s story is an example of it. Look at the roll out.
I think back to the afternoon before I knoew what was true, the attorney for he who will not be named called to find out if I was a hppy, hopeful wife who wanted nothing more than my husband back in my bed. And I said NO. WAIT. I didn’t know there was any reason for him to be in jail, I have not talked to him so there is no explanation except that a law enforcement professional suggested I might not legally be married to him.
And what was going through my head was the idea that the system wanted to dump this guy on me to manage, but he’d already lied to me by omission and comission so how as that going to work out?
And there was the whole issue of if I let him back in for even ONE NIGHT, then I would be ineleigible for an anullment from a bigamist!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Go figure how that works….
So I said NO, I won’t have him here until I know why this happened and what it means to me and to the marriage.
The only answer he would give me is that he was in love. Well, how easy is that to say under the circumstances and what it told me is that the real answer is somewhere else.
And ALL the risk was mine so that the parole offices and courts and jails could save time and money by making him my responsibility.
The answer to that was NFW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What ever it is, I thought, its out of my league. I’m just a nice kid from the suburbs, I don’t get this stuff and it will run me over like a train!
Do I believe in soul mates and all that? WEll actually I do and I did fall head over heels for the guy in a way that had nothing to do with all of it, but the sad truth is, once they are in a legal relationship and in the home, you own ’em.
The risk of getting into something that is dangerous or illegal and becoming implicated by association isn’t worth it. Not if you are trying anyway to build a life of any kind that includes social connections like friends and family.
Who would I hang out with? His lovers? I’d have been rejected by a lifetime of people I care about. Not the same kind of love by any means, but still people I love.
So in a case like this, you have to do what Ben Franklin would have done. Draw a line down a piece of paper and write all the good things about walking away from a SPATH on one side and then write all the bad things on the other.
No doubt that a broken heart tips the scales deeply. And I feel it – I grieve and I hurt like I had to chew my own leg off.
But the upside of walking away is just so much more valuable because I get to keep my identity, self esteem, family and friends, job, and hope.
When you look at it, it makes perfect sense that way.
Fried Green Tomatoes Recipe
Since the movie bearing the same title came out in 1991, this fried green tomatoes recipe has gotten popular. Since then this favorite southern food has been discovered by other parts of the nation.
Some people use dredge in beaten eggs first, then coat in cracker crumbs, breadcrumbs or as in this case, flour. Whatever coating you choose, the tomatoes need to be fried for that crispy outside, meaty inside effect.
For the full Fried Green Tomatoes experience, fry up a batch or two and call some girlfriends for a chick flick night. The movie is great, the food is greasy and incredibly tasty, and with that combination you’ll have a night you’ll remember.
Who can resist girlfriends that follow the motto “great friends help you get rid of the body”?
Ingredients:
2 1/2 lbs green tomatoes, sliced
3/4 cup flour
salt
pepper
4 tbsp olive oil
Directions:
1. Combine salt, pepper and flour in a flat pan. Coat tomatoes well.
2. Heat oil over medium heat in large skillet.
3. Add tomatoes in one layer, fry for about 5 minutes on each side.
4. Season with salt and pepper to taste.
I’m watching the movie, “A Few Good Men”, for about the 25th time tonight.
It’s on one of the cable channels.
My favorite exchange in that movie is between Tom Cruise and Jack Nicholson:
Tom Cruise says, “I want the TRUTH!!!”
Jack Nicholson responds, “YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!!”
I think that sums it up for a lot of people.
They cannot handle the truth.
Not about themselves, or the world around them.
They don’t want to believe that there are people in the world who are operating without a conscience or any moral reasoning ability.
And they definitely don’t want to ponder the possibility of a sociopath next door…or in their bed.
That’s just too close for comfort.
Hi Kim Frederick:
I understand the point you are making.
I don’t think Anna Balkrishna, the author who wrote about her Mother, realizes how slick and manipulative some of these con artists can be.
It’s easy for her to see her Mother’s mistakes with this prison inmate. That’s an obvious one.
But, what about the well-dressed, articulate guy who comes along and is able to read into all of HER inner wants and desires????
Will she still be so….. “above it all” and condescending????
Hmmmm…..
~She’s definitely done her homework on her Mom.
I wonder if she’s done the same type of “homework” on herself.
I am guilty of that Rosa, I ignored the truth because I couldn’t handle it. I was sleeping with the enemy and I knew it. It was like a bad dream that I could not wake up from, I knew if I would just wake up the nitemare would be over, but he was able to keep me in that dream state. I hated the dream, waking up was my only choice, that or die. The truth set’s us free..
We made it out. 🙂
“the truth sets us free….” BUT “first it pithes us off!”
BTW for REAL “fried green tomatoes you use CORN MEAL or half corn meal and half flour, but NEVER just flour!!!!!! Make sure you use a HOT cast iron skillet and coat the tomatoes in a mixture of milk and beaten egg before you dip in corn meal. You can also fry squash like this too! Or you can use flour or Bisquick on the squash but not on the maters! Gosh, I am having to ed-u-ma-kate all you guys! Sigh! What a taskk I have before me! LOL 😉
AND Yankees use white corn meal and red-necks use YELLOW corn meal and always “Clabber girl baking power” LOL
When I lived in Florida I couldn’t find good yellow corn meal or Clabber girl baking powder and so when the egg donor flew down to visit I had her pack a suit case with yellow corn meal and Clabber girl. The airline lost it and the guy asked her what was in it and she told him what and why, and he really laughed!
Couldn’t do that now cause they are charging for CARRY ON LUGGAGE now much less a 50 pound suitcase full of corn meal! Oh, well, I grind my own now anyway, get that nice stone ground texture that beats anything you can buy in the grocery store! YUM!!!!
Wow! Just went back and read some of the posts more closely and WELCOME “KNOW”—even though you have been around a while. You make a great point with your story! Ah yes, these “ministers” who are CROOKS and CREEPS! And Silver, I agree with you totally about that! I do believe that some people do indeed really “find Jesus” in prison, because sometimes people have to get FLAT OF THEIR BACKS before they LOOK UP, but that said, that doesn’t mean that I am going to GIVE trust to anyone with a criminal background.
One of my dearest friends is a minister who works with prisoners and you know what, his group that he works with has only a 10% recidivism rate vs a MUCH bigger one for the others in prison, but I keep in mind that MY P SON WAS ONE OF HIS “SHINING STARS” IN HIS PROGRAM! In fact, that is how I met this man. BTW I AM educating him about psychopaths too.
While I think spirituality and honest religion can be a great thing for people who have lost or never had a moral compass, but at the same time, I realize that people can and DO use religion, spirituality etc for a SHIELD from detection as a psychopathic life style and to BILK others out of their lives.
Kim, I sort of agree with your take on this author’s attitude, and Ii did not see that until you pointed it out. I think part of that is that I tend to give LF posters and authors the “benefit of the doubt” on this score and assume that they are “honorable” and so on. I know I sometimes come across as a “know it all old witch” and I admit that sometimes I am abrupt in my posting or articles, so I try to be more tolerant of others, even when they make the hair stand up on my neck. I think though that you may have a valid point on this score. I don’t mean I am absolutely judging her, but maybe there IS some seeming lack of compassion for her mother there. Maybe she didn’t mean it to come out that way, but I think you may have picked up on a VIBE there Kimmie chickie.
I’ve been reading more on emotional abuse lately and about how we tend to give others the “benefit of the doubt” even when our gut instincts say to us “that person is attacking you” at least being subtle about it. KNOW BETTER’s comment from her “minister” about how FAT she was, is a perfect example of a NOT-so-subtle dig and attack. I applaud her for not punching the witch out on the spot! LOL G-night kiddies!
Know Better now:
“Found multiple records for her in the County’s’ Superior Court website. She has been sued by credit card companies, landlords, dentists (has a full set of veneers) and hair stylists for bad checks. Now she is a foster parent, receiving full disability from SSA and has a couple of foster kids along with their foster children grant checks. I have NEVER known her to have a job a day in her life. She has been married 6 or seven times and lived in four states. ”
This just blows me away. The most basic background check on this woman would raise red flags that she is probably an S or Borderline, but Social Services thinks she’s a qualified Foster Parent?
If this woman can become a foster parent, then it’s no wonder that children come out of fostering scarred for life. I wouldn’t entrust my two fat, dumb, happy goldfish to this broad. I can’t imagine leaving children to her “tender mercies”.