Last year, Slate published an article called My mother married her prison pen pal. A synopsis of the story is this: After 22 years of marriage, the author’s parents divorced. One day her mother receives a collect phone call from Joe, who was incarcerated. He dialed her phone number at random; thinking it was someone she knew who had the same name, the woman accepted the call. The prisoner asked the woman to write to him. She thought it was a good mentorship opportunity, so she did. Eventually, the woman married the guy.
Please pause now and read the story:
My mother married her prison pen pal
By Anna Balkrishna
The biggest myth
Mom knew that Joe was in jail—she started writing to him because she wanted to be a “positive influence” in his life. She fell for one of the biggest myths that our culture propagates: There’s good in everyone.
Unfortunately, it isn’t true. Despite the platitudes we’ve grown up with”—All men are created equal,” “Everyone deserves a chance,” “We’re all God’s children—”some people are rotten to the core. And they’re called sociopaths.
Joe worked his sociopathic magic, and Mom fell in love. So even when she married him, and then found out that he wasn’t in prison for vehicular manslaughter, he was really in prison for rape, she stood by him, and spent her retirement money on his lawyers. Balkrishna wrote:
She believed that he was put into her path for a purpose. She made a commitment: morally, to “turn him around” and wean him off his bad behaviors, and practically, to help him through his sentence and his parole until he could integrate back into free society. Once she made the commitment, she could not break it.
So Joe gets out of jail and guess what? He cheats on Mom. He stops looking for work and starts doing drugs. Eventually he ends up back in jail. Mom was heartbroken, and the author of the story makes a very telling observation:
Lovers are hard enough to give up, but ideals are even harder.
Discernment
Many of us know exactly what she means. Many of us tried to nurture that “poor, unloved child” under the abusive shell—only to find out that under the shell there was nothing.
We were crushed. We were deceived and emotionally destroyed, and we were forced to admit that our view of the world was deeply flawed.
Yes, our experiences with sociopaths were devastating. But I don’t believe that once we’ve encountered these predators, we have to totally give up on our ideals. However, we do need to recognize that our ideals can’t encompass everyone.
There are people who have been dealt a bad hand in life, and with understanding and assistance, can turn their lives around. They are worthy of our efforts. The sociopaths, however, will continue to do what they do, no matter how we persevere in our attempts to help them, save them, reform them. Once sociopaths are adults, they are not going to change.
We are not all created equal. We don’t all deserve a chance. We may all be God’s children, but some people have forgotten, and don’t care.
We need to be able to discern which people have a heart and a conscience, and which people don’t. Then, we can lavish our time, love and idealism on those who can benefit from our efforts. The others, we leave behind.
Thanks for the encouragement! I have to say that I am glad that I joined the gym because I am finally taking care of MYSELF…
I’ve been raising my girls alone for 8 yrs..and I am finally committed to making myself secure and strong so that I don’t EVER tell myself that I don’t deserve the BEST.
I realize now that I settled for so much less than I deserve. My self esteem is better than its been in all of my life. Doing things for YOURSELF builds self esteem. I want to have the BEST life that I can…and taking care of MY needs is helping me to feel really good.
I know that for the rest of my life…I will be different …stronger, wiser, and more secure and no sociopath could ever fool me again. I really think that we need to have programs in our schools to teach kids SOCIAL skills…how to identify ….see “RED FLAGS” in people and how to deal (or not deal) with them. Kids today don’t socialize and spend lots of time texting and emailing..etc.
My 15 yr old’s first boyfriend texted her all day how much he loved her just to try to get her to have sex with him…and when she refused,…he dumped her overnight! Little sociopath…known to bully others and laugh at them, etc..
Had I known what I know now, she would have not fallen for his “I love you” texts..(like “I” did!) and she wouldn’t have felt so devasatated. I was SO worried about her..she was writing “I want to die” on FB and Myspace!
So, NOW, they ALL know about sociopaths. When a peer was bullying my middle child…on the bus, she came home and told me that we “have to stop this sociopath girl”! LOL!!! Wise 13 yr old!!
I was asked to have a “documentary” film made of my life..by a student at NYU. Most students in the school will see it. I will DEFINITELY use this opportunity to educate them about sociopaths, and how easily the most intelligent successful people can be CONNED by these “deceptive” monsters. Maybe I can change the world in one small way by doing this. Its a start, anyway.
I know that I’m doing much better than I did last summer when I ended my r/s with my b/fsociopath. I went back because I didn’t find this site soon enough! I needed answers.
Thank God for this site and you wonderful people!
Dear 2B—TOWANDA FOR YOU and for your kid-os, that is the best thing we can do for our young people in our lives, our kids, our sibs, kids, the kid next door, the kids everywhere is to TEACH them to not allow others to bully and abuse them AT ALL I sure hope your film turns out great! Would love to see it. Maybe you can get a DVD copy of it and Donna can post a link to it! (((hugs)))) Oxy
Great idea….would love to share it with you! Thanks
Dear One Step
I feel this is a time of coming to know myself. And learning the very difficult patience/action paradigm. I am an action girl. Except when cowed ”“ then I freeze. To wait (patience) triggers feeling like I am cowed. And this has made me roar. But I am possibly learning something. It’s just new and painful.
Yes. Exactly.
I get so exhausted by waiting for what has to happen, by waiting to find out.
I remind myself of the dog who gets desensitized to the doorbell. I end up in a numb, unfeeling place. I am waiting. I can not act on what is not done. I am a hostage in that sense.
I can get past pain when I am active and I totally agree with 2b that excercise is a wonderful drug. Only recently I started bicycling again and it reminds me of a part of me that I’d lost contact with.
Last weekend I met a wonderful new friend at the HS reunion and am so looking forward to knowing her- she lives near me and we are much alike and enjoy each other’s company.
One of my classmates wrote about her experience there and I find such a sense of belonging to that time in life- I was lost and I was scared and I was away from everything and everyone I knew- and I thought (at the ripe old age of 14:-) – that if I was tough or cool you would like me. Little did I know how much I would love YOU. And that I didn’t have to be anything but me and you would LOVE me!! Wow. You all became my home.
I went back lookng for pieces of my old self to pull from the wreckage and found some good ones.
It is not far fetched to find a similar sense here at LF- differnt, but the close connections by experience are a community.
And one that is a home to the parts of me which became broken by what gives me common with everyone else.
it is not enough to commune, it is something to be able to do it authentically as you describe.
This is an excercise of new muscles and it is not always easy nor comfortable.
On we go along the path.
Thanks Oxy and Elizabeth for the feedback
I agree with you Elizabeth – She should be reported. But an estranged “Babies Mama” is not really a credible witness. All I know is hear-say – However…all the lawsuits were under a married name, and she has returned to her maiden name. That is the only verifiable fact I have. All other info was stories – that I verified to be true through other family members, and the dept of vital statistics. I know her true character from 25-years of being associated with her family and unfortunately – her.
By-the-way…The S owes more than 45k in child support to me – another 35k for another child. We were doing contempt and set a trial date. The judge did not order him to appear for trial – so he did not show up for the status conference hearing prior to the trial. So we could not proceed to trial. The judge only ordered a bench warrent due to the failure to appear for the status conference. He has to be ordered to appear for trial to be have a default verdict. A bench warrant does not mean they go pick him up – they wait until he crosses their path.
Anything I do would seem vindictive at this point – so I will not put myself out there. I am tired of not being believed. Because they are such good con artists…I won’t open myself up to another ‘defeat’. And I don’t want to have to defend myself either. What my ‘insight’ is is not enough to make the county take notice of a potentially bad situation. Sad but true – and we all know it. A notable pattern of behavior experienced by the correct individual is the only thing that convinces those who need to know. I have been fighting that battle for more than 20-years. I am done now. I come on here, to Lovefraud, to reaffirm…deal with my ptsd and know I have made the right decision when I am ruminating on past events or wanting that attention again. Reading the articles from Steve, Donna, Kathleen and all the other authors who are able to articulate their experience, give me strength – remind me of what I got away from and help me move on every day.
I took my ‘new’ screen name from Maya Angelo – now that i know better – I do better.
Peace and Love everyone!!
Dear Know better,
Sometimes it is just time to gather our forces and head “home” and get out of the battle ground. Staying and fighting doesn’t accomplish much when you are in battle with a psychopath and their dupes.
Glad you are doing better now too! ((hugs)))
Witty,
From the sound of it, you and I are dealing with a very similar paradigm. I am trying to figure out how to get things done and NOT ride myself all day long. I NEED to be friendlier with myself, as I have figured out that my primary relationship and support may be forever myself. I am practicing speaking to myself the way I would if I were the best friend/ lover in the world. And a piece of that for me is comforting myself. I lay in bed at night and thought, ’if someone was my partner and I’d just had the day I’d had what would be most comforting right now’ ”“ to be held and reassured comes to the fore. We really can do only so much, and if my ’so much’ is nowhere near what I have been able to do in the past, or nowhere near what I feel I have to get done, then so be it. I really CAN only do so much.
I do not work well for people who ride me, I am not happy when people are leaning on me ”“ so I know that it is a defective way to approach myself. Understanding, support, collaboration, kindness and attainable goals are huge motivators for me. What motivates you?
I used to use that saying, ’ doing the best that I can.’ It doesn’t calm me any more ”“ doesn’t give me a sense of absolution or hope for a better day”.just makes me think that my ’best’ sucks. So, I have had to throw that one out. I need to learn so much more about PTSD, or rather how to manage it.
I know army folks who have PTSD ”“ I have worked with a couple of volunteers who were deeply damaged in combat. They are okay one day and not the next, they just ’tilt’. They ARE fragile in that way, and very reactive and take things very personally all the time. One fellow used to start talking about killing people when we were working on databases together. They were very immersed in their past experiences and seeing the world through those lenses. Some this sounds rather familiar to me as I write it.
Having my computer offline at home has A Reason (as silver likes to say). It has meant I have had to compartmentalize the things I have to do every day while on the computer. I can only write at home and check my business email address. At the library (with it’s lying timers on the computers) I can check lf and my other email, and I don’t have time to do personal research ”“ so it’s cut out some of the not really necessary extraneous research (sim-pli-fy), and at the job centre I am working on resumes (I have had a good editing relationship with a resource centre person there). Which means until all the reusmes are done, I am not even looking at the job boards”’cause I don’t have time”they close @....... 4:30. And I have to travel form place to place to get to these different computers. So all of this does three things: focuses me on specific tasks at specific places, gives me breaks (known as travel time) between each activity and also limits the time for each activity, and limits the number of hours I can work on all this stuff period. It gives me STRUCTURE, and connection with someone who is there to help with one of my tasks, and a basic social interaction (even if it is to just say ”“ ’excuse me, would you mind sitting at the next computer because you should have bathed AFTER you put on the cologne and I can feel my airways closing down as I speak, and I WILL bring out the secret weapon if you deny my kind request’)
Re obtainable goals ”“ well, maybe I have to take a longer view of this. it is taking me what feels like forever to complete some things. And I also need to shut down the worry factory about THAT. Because worry and riding myself only makes my life grimmer. And as I grew up in a house where worry and the uber amped work ethic were alive and kiciking I naturally apply them when I am NOT aware ”“ literally ’out of my mind’ (with the buddhist definition of ‘in mind’: being aware)
What all of this says to me ”“ the thing si gave the ppath I need to give to me. If I can do no other thing in terms of moving my internal dialogue forward every day, I can be kind to myself. That’s a bit like the Buddhist maxim of ’do no harm’ (a WHOLE lot easier said than done, and if done the WHOLE point is understood/ experienced). Having had firbromyalgia and CFS for many years I am at least familiar with the terrain of good one day and not the next. It IS frustrating”.it’s like trying to ’drive a horse that comes up lame every 2nd or 3rd day ”“ and you never know when it will ”“ just that it WILL. So, we need plans. How do we act towards ourselves on lame days? What do we do? I remember liking to spend a day in bed (before chronic illness) when I had the flu or something. First there was the feeling awful, but then there was convalescing ”“ which meant reading a book or some similar activity that I wouldn’t ordinarily have the peace of hours to do. It was a sweet indulgence when nothing else could realistically be done.
It is hard to have a similar attitude now ”“ but maybe adopting it would be a very good idea. Beating a lame horse doesn’t work. Convalescence ”“ an attitude of accepting what the illness is and finding appropriate treatment and activity levels for ’flare-ups’. I need structure and social contact. And time alone to just decompress, and time alone to get to know myself. PTSD, or any chronic situation IS a burden. It requires more from us, and sometimes more is ’less’.
I need to keep learning about it. My grief counselor knows of someone who works with people with PTSD ”“ and is searching down her contact information. May take months to get in to see her. Man, I really need a facilitated support group and have found nothing yet. I have found some unfacilitated mental health support groups, but that idea is making me back away, not come forward. I really need to be with folks dealing with this ”“ however they were injured ”“ and I want to be in a facilitated group ”“ want the expertise of a trained moderator, because, unlike the other things i deal with on an ongoing basis, I know squat about this one.
I have been having flaskbacks again the last few days. They ARE intrusive, so the more engaged I am with the things I need to do, the better. That way they don’t carry me away into my internal world, and I have a fair chance of actually staying in the present and external world.
And I am also having trouble with seeing people who look like the ’boy’ and his bf all the time. This is a uni town, so there is no end of people in his age range and who affect the same look. And I am not sure how to deal with this. I stare at them. I moon a bit”but, for what? I have no idea. I find it helps if they engage with other people and I can see their personalities and they are not the sock puppets, then the spell breaks. But it is an enchantment. It has been happening for a year ”“ but now it is a sad thing, enchanted by an evil witch and not by the magic of fey. OMG, I am such a idiot for romanticism. There were a number of response to harmonyman yesterday that I read with great interest. People lovingly calling him out on his romanticizing of pain. Yo! Or should that be oy! Claim it, work with it, don’t romanticize it. SOOOO much to learn. Given my poetic/ writerly nature I am exceedingly prone to magic and romanticism. Oy, oy oy.
Structure, information, kindness, learning about myself. Okay.
Looking over at you on you path Witty. Offering tea and friendship.
Love
one step
silver – i hope there was some progress today for you. xx
One-step, I noticed you used the word, “enchanted”. The root word is, “chant”. Words are magic. They bring things into reality…..so, your dialougue with yourself is important….it’s time to be enchanted by YOU.
On a symbolic level this idea can be expressed like this:
The word was God, and the word was with God, and the word was made flesh. So, never doubt your power to effect magic with the words you use to enchant yourself. 🙂
ouuu kim, that’s NICE!
the lying computer clock says i have 9 minutes…
ppath and i played with words. all. the .time.
in without conscience there is a very good section about how ppaths use words and how they are ordered in theri heads. I want to wrtie about it when i have the time.
i read janines story….oy….i have a LONG post to write to her!
okay – it’s saying 7 minutes now – let’s see if it gives me another 15…
best,
one step