Last year, Slate published an article called My mother married her prison pen pal. A synopsis of the story is this: After 22 years of marriage, the author’s parents divorced. One day her mother receives a collect phone call from Joe, who was incarcerated. He dialed her phone number at random; thinking it was someone she knew who had the same name, the woman accepted the call. The prisoner asked the woman to write to him. She thought it was a good mentorship opportunity, so she did. Eventually, the woman married the guy.
Please pause now and read the story:
My mother married her prison pen pal
By Anna Balkrishna
The biggest myth
Mom knew that Joe was in jail—she started writing to him because she wanted to be a “positive influence” in his life. She fell for one of the biggest myths that our culture propagates: There’s good in everyone.
Unfortunately, it isn’t true. Despite the platitudes we’ve grown up with”—All men are created equal,” “Everyone deserves a chance,” “We’re all God’s children—”some people are rotten to the core. And they’re called sociopaths.
Joe worked his sociopathic magic, and Mom fell in love. So even when she married him, and then found out that he wasn’t in prison for vehicular manslaughter, he was really in prison for rape, she stood by him, and spent her retirement money on his lawyers. Balkrishna wrote:
She believed that he was put into her path for a purpose. She made a commitment: morally, to “turn him around” and wean him off his bad behaviors, and practically, to help him through his sentence and his parole until he could integrate back into free society. Once she made the commitment, she could not break it.
So Joe gets out of jail and guess what? He cheats on Mom. He stops looking for work and starts doing drugs. Eventually he ends up back in jail. Mom was heartbroken, and the author of the story makes a very telling observation:
Lovers are hard enough to give up, but ideals are even harder.
Discernment
Many of us know exactly what she means. Many of us tried to nurture that “poor, unloved child” under the abusive shell—only to find out that under the shell there was nothing.
We were crushed. We were deceived and emotionally destroyed, and we were forced to admit that our view of the world was deeply flawed.
Yes, our experiences with sociopaths were devastating. But I don’t believe that once we’ve encountered these predators, we have to totally give up on our ideals. However, we do need to recognize that our ideals can’t encompass everyone.
There are people who have been dealt a bad hand in life, and with understanding and assistance, can turn their lives around. They are worthy of our efforts. The sociopaths, however, will continue to do what they do, no matter how we persevere in our attempts to help them, save them, reform them. Once sociopaths are adults, they are not going to change.
We are not all created equal. We don’t all deserve a chance. We may all be God’s children, but some people have forgotten, and don’t care.
We need to be able to discern which people have a heart and a conscience, and which people don’t. Then, we can lavish our time, love and idealism on those who can benefit from our efforts. The others, we leave behind.
Thats what annoys me. I sued to think oh he had a bad life, he doesn’t know any better, its his mothers fault for nbeing a callous bitch…but now I think hang on, my life was crap, every abuse under the sun and I am basically a good person, I may have hurt people but never with intent, I try to do good for people and will help anyone. I think they are just rotten end of.
Dear Muldoon,
They know “right from wrong” and they CHOOSE to do what they want to do even if it is by society’s standards “wrong” and they do not CARE if you are hurt.
It is not because they were “mistreated” as children. YOU were mistreated as a child but you are not a MONSTER. You had a choice and you chose differently to not be cruel. So he could be different if he wanted to be. He uses “tough childhood” as an excuse, not a reason. EXCUSES are worthless and FALSE!
They are what they choose to be and in the case of the P it is EVIL. Pure and simple.
Muldoon and Oxdrover –
These past few weeks have confirmed to me in a mighty way what Oxdrover say’s is true. I am a good person who hasn’t had an easy life either, but I try not to hurt others. My h-spath (we’re separated) is very callous toward me, putting me through blankety-blank experiences. He knows right from wrong, CHOOSING to do what is wrong, no matter how maddening and hurtful it is to his family. I can be very compassionate, understanding, and empathetic, something that he isn’t (especially toward me). It has hit home with me this month, the truth being that he doesn’t CARE about me, my emotional well-being. The mask is off and I don’t like what I see.
Dear Bluejay,
Sometimes what we see under that mask is VERY UGLY, and it is frightening when we really comprehend the potential damage that they can and are WILLING to do to us to get us to conform to whatever it is that they want us to do.
They expect us to take their abuse and when we refuse to continue to do that, they up the abuse, or they put the mask back on and try to sweet talk us, and then they alternate between the sweet talk and more abuse until they eventually hook us back into the relationship, then everything is back to “normal’ again.
I don’t want to live like that again, and I don’t want to live in a war zone in my own home. This is my SANCTUARY. I can put up with an abusive person at a store, because I can go HOME TO MY SANCTUARY, but no one within my “circle of trust” or my sanctuary-my home is going to be allowed to abuse me and stay there.
Toward the end of December, during a very trying time for me for other reasons, my son C who was living with me at the time, LIED TO ME. He didn’t rob a bank, and he wasn’t into drugs, he didn’t hit me, but he simply LIED about something that was so SMALL and so UNIMPORTANT it was almost funny, but it did not matter that the thing he lied to me about was UN-important, it was the fact that he DISRESPECTED me enough to LIE TO ME AT ALL.
That being the case, I asked him to leave. Because I did trust him and I do love him, it hurt me very very much but now I’m over the grief, over the pain, over the fact that he disrespected me. I realized also that I had too easily restored trust to him from past lies, past inconsistencies and past disrespects. He no longer has my trust. That’s his problem and not mine any longer. This time I think it is probably pretty close to impossible for him to ever get trust restored. Not because he is a psychopath, as he isn’t, but he has betrayed my trust one time too many and I also can’t see him really changing his ways on a permanent basis. Might happen. I hope it happens, but not expecting it to. EXPECTATIONS=REALITY=CONTENTMENT on my part. Since I no longer expect A and get B instead, I can be quite happy with whatever reality is because I know I can’t change reality. In the meantime, I don’t need a liar in my circle of trust or my HOME.
Oxdrover,
I know that he is emotionally abusive and I don’t care how rotten his childhood may have been, there is no excuse for all the things that he has done. It’s important to me to get past the dread that I live with concerning the future. This man lies repeatedly to me, justifying his mistreatment of me (in his head), my family hearing the things that he has said to me, thinking that he’s sick (eg. “As long as you worry me, that’s one more day that I won’t pay the tax bill, give you some money, etc.”). I get anxious about bills and he doesn’t care one bit about my emotional state. He’s a blankety-blank.
As long as he is allowed to push your buttons about money he will do so to control you by punishing you. As long as you allow him to continue to control you by withholding money or whatever way he does it. In other words as long as he knows how to use a “stick or a carrot” one to lure you and the other to frighten you, he will continue to use them.
It is only when you say–take your carrot, I will not reach toward it, or shove your stick I willl not let you beat me with it, and you refuse to either be lured or frightened that you can control what happens to you.
Sure I get anxious about bills too, but you don’t have to let him use your anxiety to control you and that seems to be what he is doing.
As long as he has you under his financial thumb he will use money to control you. That is why I have never let my egg donor give me a “gift” of money because she would use it to control me, but I made up my mind I would live in a cardboard box and eat out of a dumpster before I would let my financial status depend on someone else’s good will.
Independence has a price, you must be responsible for yourself, but it is worth it.
Bluejay:
So….the question is now….
What are YOU going to do about it?
Continue to let him control you? OR stand up for yourself and gian control for yourself?
It’s up to you……
Oxy has made some good points for you to ponder….
Pick yourself up by the bra straps and take control of your life.
With whatever tools you have CURRENTLY!
That’s all you need…..your current tools…..if you become creative, you will be able to figure out how to use a screw driver as a hammer and sorts…..
You CAN do this…..but you need to have strength, patience and control over your life!
Start small…..gain momentum!
Dear EB,
I bought a cute wooden box at a flea market years ago, about the right size to put a loaf of bread into. It says on the outside “Mom’s Toolbox” and for years I used it as a bread box, but now I use it as a tool box with MY tools—things that I can use for multiple purposes, a BIG screwdriver (flat head) that I can use for a pry bar as well as the handle works great for driving in a small nail into sheet rock—and so on. I’ve got a semi-truck load of tools of all descriptions, but don’t want to go get them for one little bitty nail, so I use my “mom’s tools” for convenience and because THEY WORK if you use them! Whatever we have is what we should use! Good analogy! Down here we call it “red-neck engineering and machining”—bailing wire and duct tape!” works every time!
ErinBrock,
I don’t depend on him for money. I have to totally rely on myself and that’s scary. He just talks, his words being empty. I know that I can take care of myself and my children – this month was when it hit home that he is a talker, telling me that he’ll do things and not following through, all lies (just another reminder of his character). Thanks for your encouragement. I still get nervous, needing to talk to myself, telling myself that I can make it on my own, come what may. I KNOW that I don’t need him because I’ve been doing it mostly on my own for months. I want to be there for myself and people that I care about, like my children.
Ya know Bluejay….
When we’ve always had a partner to ‘rely’ on…..at least in our heads…..it doesn provide at least an emotional sense of security.
In the past few years I’ve also realized…..I”M ALONE…..
I have never received even emotional support from my parents….during this hard times….
I always thought, theyd be there no matter what…..NOT THE CASE….
So I lost my fantasy of the spath AND my back up fantasy of the parents togethre……
It’s frightening!!!!
But….the more you learn about yourself…..the more you are able to pull it all together and take care of yourself.
This is a lesson I try and teach my children……
WE ONLY HAVE OUR SHADOWS.
It’s a shock…..when we uncover the truth of our situation.
And appreciate ourselves that much more!!!
We are not helpless…..we are capable of doing whatever we believe we can…..
I’m glad your in a decent finincial ‘position’…..GOOD FOR YOU!!!!!
Keep your head up!