I address this post mainly to my female audience because, in my experience, the pathology I’ll be discussing, while not exclusively male, is more often than not expressed by men against women.
I revisit here what I regard as an important relationship red flag: When you meet a man who seems to be “Mr. Perfect,” someone “you can’t find anything wrong with,” you need to take a good long pause; otherwise, trouble bodes.
Now I’m not talking about, or maligning, the experience of “great chemistry.” Great chemistry, even electric chemistry, where you hit it off instantly, is a good thing and sometimes a good omen.
But there’s an important difference between “great chemistry” versus the sense of having met and experienced “perfection.” The genuine Mr. Right, in other words, is a very different creature than Mr. Perfect, who almost always will be a quack.
There are a number of reasons for this. First, men perceived by the women they meet as “too good to be true” are often men with an agenda to be perceived as too good to be true. These men are often calculating narcissists or sociopaths for whom the game, the challenge, the principal goal, is to disarm their female [target] objects with their apparent, and compelling, perfection.
To advance their agenda these men may exhibit inordinately seductive qualities right from jump—inordinate levels, for instance, of charm, politeness, thoughtfulness, soliticousness, sacrifice and attentiveness (in a word, responsiveness).
But this isn’t a case of their being on their “best behavior,” as new partners normally are with each other; rather, it’s a case of their being on their best “contrived” behavior, their intent being to effect an impression of perfection as if they are cut from a different cloth—specifically, the cloth of male romantic perfection.
These men may want you to regard them as Princes heaven-sent; they may want you to feel that it took something like your lottery-like good fortune to have found them.
Many of them will be seeking the approbation of your social circle; they may want those around you to ask as with shaking heads, “Where did you find him?” “What planet did he come from?” “Oh my God, he’s like”¦perfect!”
These men will often “groom” you not unlike how the sexual abuser grooms his victims—with promises of his special attentiveness, gratification and protectiveness. This exploitive strategy is extremely potent as it accesses deeply-held fantasies to be perfectly loved, protected and embraced.
Other LoveFraud columnists and astute posters have correctly noted that not all of these men are consciously operating as predators. While true, it’s also important not to minimize just how many of these men are, consciously, operating with predatory agendas.
In either case, these are not men who love, respect, or even like women. Rather, they use women for ego-gratifying and ego-masturbatory purposes. And just as the thrill of a masturbatury experience fades fast, so too does the thrill that women give such men fade with often startling, disorienting suddenness.
While this dynamic may or may not confuse the exploiter, it will surely confuse the unalert woman.
In their “grooming” process, these men will often pull out all the stops: they may, for instance, be the best, most attentive lovers you’ve ever had while all the while they’re not actually enjoying the sex because they’re not present; rather, they are watching themselves, and watching themselves with you, as if they’re porno aspirants determined to make a name for themselves, determined to stamp themselves (to legendize themselves, if you will) in your mind.
Many of these men are desperate to be the fantasy of their perfect selves–that is, the fantasy of themselves as special, unique, memorable. And so they tend parasitically (and compulsively) to seek cooperative, vulnerable hosts (such as you) as if to hold for them, store for them their slippery, empty gestures at immortality. (I intend to flesh this idea out in a separate post, recognizing the incompleteness of my explanation.)
We’ve discussed some of these concepts before, but another of them bears repeating: Narcissists, sociopaths and their like will chew you up for the temporary ego-gratifying nutrients you can supply them in the short-term; and then, like a piece of chewing gum from which they’ve extracted all the sugar, they’ll spit you out, devalue and discard you, now that you’ve lost your flavor (and thus use).
(This article is copyrighted (c) 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW)
Ox Drover
Dear Banana,
Passive aggressive behavior IS AGGRESSIVE BEHAVIOR, so it is a RED FLAG in any relationship. I used to be hung up in a pinch with passive AGGRESSIVE behavior from others, but now it is one of the FIRST red flags that I look for in any relationship and I NO LONGER TOLERATE IT. I confront it.
The problem you have in confronting it is that your X and you share a child and share custody, so he has something you value at least partly in his control (YOUR SON) so he will use every little ZINGER of inconvenience and so on to keep you off balance as much as possible and obviously if he was doing this during your relationship, he will CONTINUE to do it—to him it is fun. He “scores points”
The ONLY way I can suggest is that you have an IRON CLAD WRITTEN CUSTODY AGREEMENT spelled out to the LETTER and then he STILL may violate it. It is frustrating I know! (((Hugs))))
skylar
Thornbud,
that’s a beautiful poem, I really enjoyed it, thanks.
Trixie
This blog was so spot-on for me and my situation with my exP. Several folks posted references to previous blogs/discussions about sociopaths and sex. I’d like to read more about this particular aspect of their behavior (stop snickering — I’m serious!). I think I have a pretty good understanding about their pathological lying, rampant cheating, sex addiction and addiction to porn. But the sex thing — his bizarre need to have as much of it as possible, with multiple women each day, if possible, yet he never seemed to enjoy it, other than to demonstrate how skilled he was — has always completely baffled me. Reading this blog, and others’ comments, has really helped me put so much of this unfortunate episode with him behind me.
So . . . can anyone direct me to the previous blogs or posts that involve the P’s fascination with sex, specific sexual techniques, etc.?
Thanks!
skylar
Trixie, we had a long discussion one evening. Maybe Kim or Star or Erin can remember where that happened.
Easy
If you go to you tube and search Sociopath you will find a lot of good short videos.
One Had a simple tool for avoiding bad people!
1. lie
2. lies
3. lies your out!
People lie for different reasons but Bad people cannot stop lieing. And since N/S/P are professional liers I thought that was a good test!
Easy
http://counsellingresource.com/features/2009/10/01/disturbances-of-character-book/
banana
Trixie,
At first I thought his obsession with “going down”on me was weird.
Then I thought, “wow, he’s so unselfish”
Then back to…”this is not normal”
Yeah…never really seemed to enjoy it (very quiet), yet complained that he didn’t get enough. I certainly enjoyed it.
He always seemed to have this air (sp) about him. Like he was a professional…I just thought it was because he was older…he was 8 years my senior…8 years older than the olderst I’d ever been with.
Twice Betrayed
Hey Trixie:
These P males really enjoy the sexual power they have over females. That’s where the ‘rush’ comes from for them.
ErinBrock
Hi Trixie:
We did go into this pretty openly….and I am sorry, I do not remember where? I think it was either August of Sept…..but it could have been on a much older thread that was brought up.
Sex with my ex S sucked!
I thought of this yesterdsy….He would say….I only want to make love to you. In response to me asking him what he likes or enjoys……cuz god knows….he NEVER gave me any inclination he liked ANY of it!
His face was rock hard, no expression, nothing in his eyes…..blank….
I spent years crying during sex…..
I just couldn’t understand how there was NO connection.
He thought he was superman….like all of them do….but he was so uncaring doing things the HE wanted, not what I enjoyed.
Everything is always about them! ALways…..always always!
I’ts about power and control.
ThornBud
Sex sucked, yeah! In 4 years he did not know what i like, what turns me on, how do i like him to kiss/touch me. HE DID NOT CARE for me at all. What he did care was impression he left, was he good…
Once, after 4 months, we met and we “made love”. When it was over, he said: WOW…it was 45 minutes!
Than he asked to go to my home, telling me: I LOVE UR HOME.
Why, i asked him. U know his answer?
“How can u ask me why??? It is the place i felt loved, supported,holded”.
Well, silly me, i expected him to say: it is the place where my beloved one lives….