I address this post mainly to my female audience because, in my experience, the pathology I’ll be discussing, while not exclusively male, is more often than not expressed by men against women.
I revisit here what I regard as an important relationship red flag: When you meet a man who seems to be “Mr. Perfect,” someone “you can’t find anything wrong with,” you need to take a good long pause; otherwise, trouble bodes.
Now I’m not talking about, or maligning, the experience of “great chemistry.” Great chemistry, even electric chemistry, where you hit it off instantly, is a good thing and sometimes a good omen.
But there’s an important difference between “great chemistry” versus the sense of having met and experienced “perfection.” The genuine Mr. Right, in other words, is a very different creature than Mr. Perfect, who almost always will be a quack.
There are a number of reasons for this. First, men perceived by the women they meet as “too good to be true” are often men with an agenda to be perceived as too good to be true. These men are often calculating narcissists or sociopaths for whom the game, the challenge, the principal goal, is to disarm their female [target] objects with their apparent, and compelling, perfection.
To advance their agenda these men may exhibit inordinately seductive qualities right from jump—inordinate levels, for instance, of charm, politeness, thoughtfulness, soliticousness, sacrifice and attentiveness (in a word, responsiveness).
But this isn’t a case of their being on their “best behavior,” as new partners normally are with each other; rather, it’s a case of their being on their best “contrived” behavior, their intent being to effect an impression of perfection as if they are cut from a different cloth—specifically, the cloth of male romantic perfection.
These men may want you to regard them as Princes heaven-sent; they may want you to feel that it took something like your lottery-like good fortune to have found them.
Many of them will be seeking the approbation of your social circle; they may want those around you to ask as with shaking heads, “Where did you find him?” “What planet did he come from?” “Oh my God, he’s like”¦perfect!”
These men will often “groom” you not unlike how the sexual abuser grooms his victims—with promises of his special attentiveness, gratification and protectiveness. This exploitive strategy is extremely potent as it accesses deeply-held fantasies to be perfectly loved, protected and embraced.
Other LoveFraud columnists and astute posters have correctly noted that not all of these men are consciously operating as predators. While true, it’s also important not to minimize just how many of these men are, consciously, operating with predatory agendas.
In either case, these are not men who love, respect, or even like women. Rather, they use women for ego-gratifying and ego-masturbatory purposes. And just as the thrill of a masturbatury experience fades fast, so too does the thrill that women give such men fade with often startling, disorienting suddenness.
While this dynamic may or may not confuse the exploiter, it will surely confuse the unalert woman.
In their “grooming” process, these men will often pull out all the stops: they may, for instance, be the best, most attentive lovers you’ve ever had while all the while they’re not actually enjoying the sex because they’re not present; rather, they are watching themselves, and watching themselves with you, as if they’re porno aspirants determined to make a name for themselves, determined to stamp themselves (to legendize themselves, if you will) in your mind.
Many of these men are desperate to be the fantasy of their perfect selves–that is, the fantasy of themselves as special, unique, memorable. And so they tend parasitically (and compulsively) to seek cooperative, vulnerable hosts (such as you) as if to hold for them, store for them their slippery, empty gestures at immortality. (I intend to flesh this idea out in a separate post, recognizing the incompleteness of my explanation.)
We’ve discussed some of these concepts before, but another of them bears repeating: Narcissists, sociopaths and their like will chew you up for the temporary ego-gratifying nutrients you can supply them in the short-term; and then, like a piece of chewing gum from which they’ve extracted all the sugar, they’ll spit you out, devalue and discard you, now that you’ve lost your flavor (and thus use).
(This article is copyrighted (c) 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW)
also – the sex thing, having sex was not ‘enough’, the love was not enough, he wanted it filmed and recorded… which is fine I resolved…’in a relationship or between two consenting adults’… for fun… or something… but it wasnt about me or ‘US’ it was about something else altogether… never come across it before so I had no idea what I was dealing with… God! these creatures really are missing the point, how awful to never FEEL intimacy, ‘the connection'(and yet crave it so much) its like living in 2D.
I have to agree with those who responded that this article is so spot on- I feel like I’ve told my story to Steve and he is re-telling it. And like justabout healed said, ” Some of these guys may have so little self-insight that they do this predatory behavior over and over, not really aware or caring about the impact on the woman, but just once again idealizing some woman, only to find out , nope, this high didn’t last either.” So true, he had no idea how much he hurt me- even seemed shocked at my upset. It’s taken me a while to fully realize how much he doesn’t get it- how he does not know how love feels and conversely doesn’t know how being badly hurt by one you love feels.
SC,
Last time we had a sex discussion on LF, I probably did psychological damage to everyone by telling them about the way my exP liked it. So I won’t repeat it, but I will say that I now understand how much of his self-esteem and his need to control was wrapped up in sex. For him to be happy, I had to be driven to the top of a mountain, so that he could push me off of it the next day. it was all a calculated plan. So when I denied him sex for 15 years, it made him feel small. Oh wait, that was facing reality! He WAS small. Reality bites.
Oh yes, I remember some of what you wrote!!! Yes, reality bites. You must have made him feel like shit. Good for you!!!! I have to go to sleep now even thought it’s only 10pm here, have a job that I have to get up for at the crack of dawn, or wait, it’s still dark at 5am. I can feel the Ativan kicking in!!
Note to a few of you for your information:
A few of us left this site when the explicit sex discussions began. Perhaps Donna could set up a different blog for such discussions for those who would benefit?
Tonight, I see it has begun again.
SO, I will just let you guys know, as I promised, that my colon cancer surgery will take place on Friday, October 2nd, with a cardiologist also on hand — since I am a high risk heart patient.
I have no idea what the outcome will be but if I survive, I’ll be back to the board. If not, I will see you in Heaven, okay?
I don’t see the gender limitation in this behavior. Women can be pretty seductive and “perfect” as well, and they can jump up and down on every guy around after trashing them, taking their money etc……There are even black widows, but they are more elusive than the common variety spiders.
Sex in the city isn’t just on tv anymore.
Dear Lili, be sure we will all pray with u! U are not alone. Everything will be fine, do not worry.
My heart goes to u
Bout “explicit sex discussions”:
Sex was/is MAIN controling tool sociopats are using, manipulating our feelings when we were most voulnerable.
If i, personally, discussed it, i thought on it as on every other tool of exploitation, and as a flagrant RED FLAG to pay an attention.
I am sorry if it hurted someone’s feelings a way or another.
My standing point is that we are all mature and within context we can discuss ALL the manipulative technicks sociopats are using.
Making love, being beated, cheated, humiliated, used and abused financially, what is the difference?
Yes I guess i am remiss- the bigger picture at this point. ANewLily- you will make it to see us here-not there.
We wish you the best for what you are facing.