A Lovefraud reader frequently sends me links to stories in the Daily Mail, a tabloid based in the United Kingdom. Here are some recent articles:
Newlywed ”˜murdered his wife of just five months after she discovered his affairs on Facebook’ (September 3, 2010)
Bigamist who claimed to be decorated Falklands hero to woo fifth wife then fleeced her of £50,000 (September 6, 2010)
Cheating husband bludgeoned wife to death before going Christmas shopping with mistress (September 9, 2010)
Internet Romeo conned dozens of women out of £500,000 pretending to be terminally ill (September 15, 2010)
Here at Lovefraud, we can recognize that the bad actors in all of these cases are likely sociopaths.
The signs are all there. One perp was called, “The man with the golden tongue.” About another perp, a cop said, “he targeted vulnerable women, gained their trust and then fraudulently obtained money for his own needs.” The man who murdered his wife conducted an elaborate charade for four days, using her phone to send texts to family and friends saying that she had left him.
A different story
Yes, I’d say these guys are sociopaths. But to the Daily Mail, they’re just sensational stories.
The Daily Mail has a circulation of nearly 2 million. That means every day, nearly 2 million people read these stories. Can you imagine how helpful it would be if the Daily Mail actually pointed out that there is a common denominator among all these cases? That they are, in fact, sociopaths?
For example, here’s the type of information I’d like to see added to the “Internet Romeo” story:
Good-looking, charming and apparently a successful professional, David Checkley seemed perfect to the women he courted on dating websites.
In reality, however, the 52-year-old was a serial fraudster who cheated his victims out of half a million pounds.
One lent him £10,000 after he claimed to need money for a vital operation to cure his fictional Parkinson’s disease.
Others gave him cash for invented business dealings as he posed variously as an architect, property developer, fighter pilot and Vietnam War veteran. One woman ended up losing her house.
Here’s where I’d elaborate:
How did this happen? How did so many smart, successful women fall for this bloke’s stories?
“In cases like this, the perpetrators often have a personality disorder,” explained one expert. “Often, people who charm others and then take advantage of them are sociopaths.”
The term “sociopath,” the expert explained, does not necessarily mean someone is a serial killer. Rather, a sociopath is someone with no conscience and no empathy for others. They can appear to be charming, glib and charismatic. They often seem to be a lot of fun. But they are social predators, whose aim is to exploit people to get what they want.
So why don’t the media explain what a sociopath is, or connect the dots so that people can start to see the pattern in the behavior described in these stories?
First of all, most reporters are clueless about this disorder, just as we were once all clueless. They went to the same schools and live in the same society as we do. If we never learned it, neither did they.
Secondly, even if the media realizes someone is a sociopath, actually saying it creates all kinds of legal problems. The media are in the publicity business, and publicity gone bad can turn into defamation. The Daily Mail has lost some big libel suits, and I’m sure would prefer to avoid them.
Media suggestions
So what could be done? Here are suggestions for the Daily Mail and other media:
- Publish informational stories about sociopathy, explaining how prevalent the disorder is, and what the symptoms are.
- Watch for stories in which someone has been diagnosed as a sociopath in court, because, in the U.S. at least, anything said in court can be published without fear of defamation.
- When someone is diagnosed as a sociopath, explain what it means, and what kind of behavior the person exhibited that is typical of a sociopath.
If the media could add education to the sensationalism, a lot of people may learn to recognize the behavior and avoid being victimized.
If I were a cynic, I’d say that the media might not want to do this, because then they’d have fewer sensational stories. But I don’t think they’d have to worry. Unfortunately, there are so many sociopaths, and they are so good, that it will be a long time before the predators run out of victims.
Donna, I agree with you totally! Sensationalizing a story with “eye popping headlines” is what draws readers whether the story is written in the tabloids or the broadsheets! Or magazine, or on line!
I don’t have a doubt that most of the “honorees” of these stories are most likely very nigh in psychopathic traits and if they are ever given a PCL-R while they are in prison, there is little doubt in my mind at least that they will flunk. I think they will score very highly!@.......
The problem is too, a layman can say about a “bad guy” or anyone else, “He looked depressed to me” and no one is going to take action legally for “calling him names.” However, even professionals are loath to label someone “psychopath” for fear of reprisals because without an accurate and legal “diagnosis” the term can’t be used “safely.”
Strangely enough though the papers say the “alleged serial rapist” or “alleged” whatever crime he is being prosecuted for.
Sometimes I’ve even read the comment “the lady arrested was alleged to have been very depressed before her children were killed.”
Even if only more reporters would publish articles about what a psychopath is, or publish the general behaviors of a con-man who RESEMBLES a psychopath it might help.
Until our young people are being taught at an early age that “not everyone is nice” and names given to the type of people who are not nice I think the ignorance will continue. I think we still have a long up-hill battle to educate the public, much less the press about what a typical psychopath is. I think most if not all of the criminals in those stories would qualify.
I’ve noticed that on some shows such as, 48 hours, or D
ateline or 20/20, often a comentator will say, “He/ she showed a lack of remorse and an inability to empathize with others…ocassionally they will use the word, “sociopath,” but it would be most helpful if they used all the descriptors and the label together.
Frankly, I’m pretty amazed that anyone ever gets diagnosed as an S. They don’t seek help, and they lie like a rug, fake and charm, connive and masquerade…I don’t see how anyone can depend on a professional diagnoses…I just think that is probably pretty rare….but we know what they are and how to identify them. I guess, at this time the best thing we can do is proclaim, “he fit the profile” or, he displayed the charactoristics” of a Sociopath, because he….1. 2. 3.
Probably the vast majority that are diagnosed are diagnosed in prison, and so are perpetuating the myth that all are serial killers, and violent criminals.
I had direct experience of the Daily Mail when one of their regular journalists wanted to write a feature about my book. The book is an auto-biographical novel and describes my disordered ex (NPD, APD) and what life was like with him. Even though the names were changed (to protect children) the paper didn’t want to run the story without giving my (absent) ex the right of reply. They wanted to fix on another aspect of my life and leave the whole NPD/APD out of it, despite the fact I had a top UK forensic psychologist read the book and provide his professional opinion.
The sad fact is that these conditions are rarely diagnosed until a serious crime is committed, and in cases like mine, it is the victim who ends up getting psychological help, whilst the APD/NPD remains just below the official forensic radar.
I’m now glad the story didn’t run, as it’s not really the platform I want for my book, which addresses such a serious issue. I totally agree with you though that the media do little to help educate people about this problem. Instead, often making the subject of the story look gullible or even stupid. Some of the reader comments they allow are horrific.
Very goood points Donna – there seems to be an almost universal reluctance to mention sociopathy or psychopathy except in the most extreme cases of violence ie serial rapes or murders. Naturally this bias contributes to the erroneous belief that all sociopaths are serial killers. So when we meet a charming one dressed in a suit we are not prepared for what dwells beneath that polished exterior.
I would like to see more publically funded research on sociopaths who are not in jail. If this happened and was publicised, it might contribute to shifting the beliefs about sociopaths to a more realistic picture of the subtleties associated with sociopathy. They don’t weild a knife or gun every day, very often hold down responsible jobs and definitely engage in exploitative relationships that destroy and harm others. But they don’t look any different to a normal person for the first while – there’s no fangs or strange horns growing from the head.
Maybe what we should do is add our own comments and point out that these symptoms look like sociopathy – then at least anyone who reads the article and comments might become knowledgeable and aware. I suppose we could also write letters to the editor highlighting the magnitude and impact of sociopathy on targets.
@....... Sarah Tate – Sarah, is Tate your actual name? I am just wondering as I knew a Brit in Canada a few years ago with that last name, who told me some wild stories about his ex…and in light of being spathed I have wondered more than once about him.
It’s like the reporters of these stories always seem to evoke a condescending tone of “This could never happen me, but look what happened to this poor dupe.”
It’s a disconnected reality that is dangerous to project because any one of us could be taken in at any given time.
If the media is going to continue to sensationalize this subject, the least they could do is close by saying these disordered personalities are everywhere, and we should all educate ourselves about the characteristics of these types of predators so the same thing does not happen to us or one of our loved ones.
Instead of treating each sensationalized story like an isolated incident, the media should be responsible enough to portray the personality disordered as a deviant thread that runs throughout society….mostly UN-checked.
The only way people will raise their awareness of this subject is when it is seen as a problem that affects ALL of us.
Dear Donna:
You website has helped me more than anything, and I mean everything–every resource I have checked into for support.
It never ceases to amaze me that whatever place I am in my grief, boom-LF has an article or topic on the very thing.
I can so relate to what you are saying here. After calling many, many counselors recently, I found 1 counselor who works at a domestic violence agency.
The first question I asked her was: do you have experience dealing with women who have had relationships with sociopaths.
She says: Why is that important to you? Duhhhhh!
Rosa, SO TRUE! It baffles me how little people understand about this. Even in the therapy community….I have two friends and colleagues who work with DV (I have, too, with perpetrators) but these two therapists have NO idea about aspd (sociopaths). I have told them my story in bits and pieces and one said to me “well just move on”. seriously? Like I am NOT trying to move on! and when things were really bad with me and x spath I was no doubt acting like the basket case I was and I think they really wondered what I was doing to cause him to do this. I get that my behavior before coming to LF needed some work..I was out of my mind in pain, fear, disbelief, but you’t think seasoned counselors would recognize this, esp. those who work in DV!
I can tell you…I plan to work with women, and men, who have had this issue…when I heal first, that is!
Kim F-and others on this topic….my ex spath is a physician. tall good looking, comes across the strong silent type (translation: rager). He and his girlfriend now 3rd wife, had to do MMPI for custody eval. (so did I) and his came back narcissist, extreme anger towards women, paranoid and lacking insight. His g/f who is also a physician came back as inconclusive translation: LYING.
My MMPI was benign. But HE got custody. I get what he was doing. He found someone to marry to look credible (which is what he has done over and over) and they were in MY house that I designed for our family. I left the family home is what the Ph.D psychologist custody eval. said. Well, I told her that I left one family home and went to our other family home in the city. She told me she was unsure of my stability because of not working and leaving the town my daughter had grown up in. (she was 4 at this time). I told her i had given up my previous career as a nurse anesthetist to stay home with my D after we brought her home from China, something she needed very badly, and I raised her, I disciplined and taught her. He was never home. He said he would give us “one night a week for family time the rest of the week is mine”. And I had to go back to school…I was getting my masters in psych and had this plan for a while. But two doctors living in my house in same town despite MMPI results meant I lost my daughter to this sicko. It is INSANE. You can see why I lost my mind after that. I just couldn’t understand what had happened in my life. THe five years of marriage and insanity was something I didn’t get yet, either, then losing custody….I couldn’t think straight. I was so distraught and so wish I would h ave had LF at that time so I could have made better decisions. I tried so hard to put my life back together overnight basically and in my pain I made stupid decisions. My goal is to now help women make good decisions after this kind of situation..to now make any major changes until they can think clearly. I tried to buy a house and I moved and just was nutty in trying to get my power and my life back but I didn’t know what was happening, what my ex was still doing…pi’s on me, keystroke monitor on my computer, he harrassed and followed me and my friends…and took my four runner out of my locked parking area…yet he is the healthy one? Really?
Dear Chinagirl,
They take so much away, not just physically, but emotionally and mentally and even sometimes our REALITY…but you have started welll…how are the telephone visits going with your daughter? Is his wife still being kind to you and to your daughter as well? I sure hope so and I pray so.
Continue to focus on the positive moves you can make, and to reinforce that you are moving in a positive direction.
Rome wasn’t built in a day, and the most important thing right now for you and your daughter is the relationship you two have. Even though right now it is at a distance, keep up every positive second of communication with her. ((((Hugs)))) and God bless.