A Lovefraud reader frequently sends me links to stories in the Daily Mail, a tabloid based in the United Kingdom. Here are some recent articles:
Newlywed ”˜murdered his wife of just five months after she discovered his affairs on Facebook’ (September 3, 2010)
Bigamist who claimed to be decorated Falklands hero to woo fifth wife then fleeced her of £50,000 (September 6, 2010)
Cheating husband bludgeoned wife to death before going Christmas shopping with mistress (September 9, 2010)
Internet Romeo conned dozens of women out of £500,000 pretending to be terminally ill (September 15, 2010)
Here at Lovefraud, we can recognize that the bad actors in all of these cases are likely sociopaths.
The signs are all there. One perp was called, “The man with the golden tongue.” About another perp, a cop said, “he targeted vulnerable women, gained their trust and then fraudulently obtained money for his own needs.” The man who murdered his wife conducted an elaborate charade for four days, using her phone to send texts to family and friends saying that she had left him.
A different story
Yes, I’d say these guys are sociopaths. But to the Daily Mail, they’re just sensational stories.
The Daily Mail has a circulation of nearly 2 million. That means every day, nearly 2 million people read these stories. Can you imagine how helpful it would be if the Daily Mail actually pointed out that there is a common denominator among all these cases? That they are, in fact, sociopaths?
For example, here’s the type of information I’d like to see added to the “Internet Romeo” story:
Good-looking, charming and apparently a successful professional, David Checkley seemed perfect to the women he courted on dating websites.
In reality, however, the 52-year-old was a serial fraudster who cheated his victims out of half a million pounds.
One lent him £10,000 after he claimed to need money for a vital operation to cure his fictional Parkinson’s disease.
Others gave him cash for invented business dealings as he posed variously as an architect, property developer, fighter pilot and Vietnam War veteran. One woman ended up losing her house.
Here’s where I’d elaborate:
How did this happen? How did so many smart, successful women fall for this bloke’s stories?
“In cases like this, the perpetrators often have a personality disorder,” explained one expert. “Often, people who charm others and then take advantage of them are sociopaths.”
The term “sociopath,” the expert explained, does not necessarily mean someone is a serial killer. Rather, a sociopath is someone with no conscience and no empathy for others. They can appear to be charming, glib and charismatic. They often seem to be a lot of fun. But they are social predators, whose aim is to exploit people to get what they want.
So why don’t the media explain what a sociopath is, or connect the dots so that people can start to see the pattern in the behavior described in these stories?
First of all, most reporters are clueless about this disorder, just as we were once all clueless. They went to the same schools and live in the same society as we do. If we never learned it, neither did they.
Secondly, even if the media realizes someone is a sociopath, actually saying it creates all kinds of legal problems. The media are in the publicity business, and publicity gone bad can turn into defamation. The Daily Mail has lost some big libel suits, and I’m sure would prefer to avoid them.
Media suggestions
So what could be done? Here are suggestions for the Daily Mail and other media:
- Publish informational stories about sociopathy, explaining how prevalent the disorder is, and what the symptoms are.
- Watch for stories in which someone has been diagnosed as a sociopath in court, because, in the U.S. at least, anything said in court can be published without fear of defamation.
- When someone is diagnosed as a sociopath, explain what it means, and what kind of behavior the person exhibited that is typical of a sociopath.
If the media could add education to the sensationalism, a lot of people may learn to recognize the behavior and avoid being victimized.
If I were a cynic, I’d say that the media might not want to do this, because then they’d have fewer sensational stories. But I don’t think they’d have to worry. Unfortunately, there are so many sociopaths, and they are so good, that it will be a long time before the predators run out of victims.
Chinagirl,
I could barely read your posts when you told your story awhile back. They were so painful. I’m glad you are reaching out to others because you have invaluable advice to help others.
The damage your ex has done and continues to do, is beyond comprehension. Terrorizing and wreaking havok on the innocent partners, parents, relatives and the worst is what they do to the children. Without conscience for sure.
Keep the faith and stay strong, he hasn’t destroyed you yet (and won’t)! Like the phoenix, rise from the ashes! I know that sounds kind of corny but I believe it. The strength of will to overcome the spaths path of destructive carp is ENORMOUS!
@....... one_step_at_a_time
no, that’s not my real name. It’s my pen name. I live in Europe, hence the connection to the Daily Mail.
They really were more interested in focusing on ome other ‘sensational’ headline, such as ‘why I hate my ex’ or ‘why I never want my children to see their father again’ than focusing on the things he had done and the Personality Disorder which lay behind it all. I know if I’d have gone ahead with the feature, I would have come in for a lot of stick. It may have a massive circulation, but it is aimed at a specific audienc,e and therefore ‘educating’ people about such serious disorders is not high up on it’s priority list.
Sad, but true.
until one has personally suffered from being in the path of a sociopath, education about them just doesnt register, it’s one of those things we have to experience first hand to understand
Dear Pollyannanomore, et al,
“Maybe what we should do is add our own comments and point out that these symptoms look like sociopathy ”“ then at least anyone who reads the article and comments might become knowledgeable and aware. I suppose we could also write letters to the editor highlighting the magnitude and impact of sociopathy on targets.”
Yes! I’ve been espousing that very sentiment for awhile and remain a strong proponent of making it known to the media that we want to educate the mainstream and raise public awareness.
While it is frustrating ”“ to use an understatement ”“ to be targeted by a sociopath, I feel even more frustrated that the word isn’t getting out in a big & informative way. I’ve commented at websites on articles and show pieces, and composed requests to syndicated shows, as well as cable & broadcast programs & networks for this very reason, and oftentimes encouraged others who’ve experienced the exploits of a sociopath to do the same.
So I put together a media contact list to make it as easy as possible without actually typing & sending everyone’s messages for them at http://www.sociosibs.info/awareness.htm#media. While it doesn’t yet include print media, it does contain an extensive up-to-date list of nationally aired media contact pages & email addies.
If we want more media focus on this topic, then we have to make it known to media editors & programmers. They can’t read out minds. And for those who are of the mind that it won’t help, we won’t know if we don’t ask, and it can’t hurt to ask.
sociosibs – went to your home page – very nicely written. and very true to my experience of that kind sweet ‘preyed upon’ soul who i loved.
Donna Andersen and Sarah Tate:
I know you both understand the dilemma faced by the media and why they want to avoid the potential for liability that would come with labeling someone a sociopath (especially if there’s no diagnosis included from court records, as Donna mentioned). And the truth is, most of us would want the chance to give our side of the story too if someone publicly accuses us of inappropriate behaviors (there also can be non-sociopathic people with hidden agendas, as we all know).
When facts in a story are balanced, they really do speak for themselves. And Donna does a great job of this in her book. She provides factual information of what happened in her dealings with James Montgomery, and examples of how she perceived and handled many events. Montgomery is exposed by unquestionably clear indications of his deceptive behaviors.
At the same time, I see progress made with the internet being such an open forum for all kinds of information. There are many individuals now publishing their experiences with NPDs/sociopaths and personal recovery from toxic relationships on personal blogs.
So there is much to celebrate, even small victories. More information is accessible to the public now than ever before in the history of this country.
Since Donna and Sarah are both authors of books about relationships with sociopaths, I’m sure you get to use opportunities that come up (book signings, speaking at schools,etc.) to keep putting the word out whenever possible.
I am doing what I can to share research and other information with clients, colleagues, family and friends.
A generational shift is happening in my own family-of-origin in that I am introducing topics related to sociopathy in some discussions with my son (who’s 14) and some nieces and nephews. I try not to overwhelm them and generally ask questions to get them to think about how they’d feel if a friend continuously lied or tried to cause trouble between them and others, for example.
In contrast, I got my most intensive education about sociopathy in my mid-40s — even though in hindsight I can now say pieces of the puzzle were thrown my way since my early 20s (the dots weren’t connected, though, until now — and I continue to learn).
I also sometimes post comments after reading newspaper articles and find a way to mention the words sociopath or narcissist as food for thought. Many Lovefraud readers speak of how they attempt to help educate others — potential new victims and family members.
So through our combined advocacy and education efforts to deal with the major problems of and caused by pathological narcissism and sociopathy/psychopathy, we will keep making a difference.
To all at LF — One person at a time, and in each of our communities across the globe, never forget that your experience and knowledge can help someone else.
Fannie,
You are so right. I’ve long noticed that as soon as I start talking about what a sociopath is, and the traits they display, people suddenly realize, “I know someone like that.”
Yes, we can all educate those around us. Perhaps as we do, we’ll also find more opportunities to explain this personality disorder to larger and larger audiences. That’s what I hope to do.
Donna et al,
All knowledge acquired by the human race is not once and for all educated into people—but must continually be re-educated into each generation.
Just as the offspring of the best horse I ever had, if not educated and trained, will in one generation revert to the wild state of total ignorance of humans.
No matter how many people we educate about sociopathy, as each new child is born into the world, we must continue the educational process. It is a process that is never “finished.”
Even if by “magic” we were able to teach every person in the world about psychopaths today, the job would still not be “done” any more than if we were able to teach every adult person in the world how to read today, tomorrow we would still need to send our children to school.
We mustn’t give up on our efforts to educate people about sociopathy every chance we get, any more than we would give up working toward 100% literacy in our communities just because we may not achieve that goal instantly and then never have to work on it again.
I applaud each of the authors here and the people who have written books, spoken in the media, or even just commented on a news article. Each “drop of rain helps to fill the river” and by everyone contributing to the river, we can make our lives, and the lives of others, better and safer from the predators among us.
Oxy – you are absolutely right. The education process never ends.
Oxy, off topic, sorry, but you asked (yesterday? I can’t find the right thread) if any of us were having trouble downloading threads… last night I would try to download a long thread and only half of it would download, then I would hit the refresh button and would get the page downloaded… and many times when I post a comment I am left looking at a blank screen — I have to refresh. I have a cable hookup that is very fast (Road Runner) so I’m not sure what the problem is, mine sounds very similar to what you’ve been going through.