A Lovefraud reader frequently sends me links to stories in the Daily Mail, a tabloid based in the United Kingdom. Here are some recent articles:
Newlywed ”˜murdered his wife of just five months after she discovered his affairs on Facebook’ (September 3, 2010)
Bigamist who claimed to be decorated Falklands hero to woo fifth wife then fleeced her of £50,000 (September 6, 2010)
Cheating husband bludgeoned wife to death before going Christmas shopping with mistress (September 9, 2010)
Internet Romeo conned dozens of women out of £500,000 pretending to be terminally ill (September 15, 2010)
Here at Lovefraud, we can recognize that the bad actors in all of these cases are likely sociopaths.
The signs are all there. One perp was called, “The man with the golden tongue.” About another perp, a cop said, “he targeted vulnerable women, gained their trust and then fraudulently obtained money for his own needs.” The man who murdered his wife conducted an elaborate charade for four days, using her phone to send texts to family and friends saying that she had left him.
A different story
Yes, I’d say these guys are sociopaths. But to the Daily Mail, they’re just sensational stories.
The Daily Mail has a circulation of nearly 2 million. That means every day, nearly 2 million people read these stories. Can you imagine how helpful it would be if the Daily Mail actually pointed out that there is a common denominator among all these cases? That they are, in fact, sociopaths?
For example, here’s the type of information I’d like to see added to the “Internet Romeo” story:
Good-looking, charming and apparently a successful professional, David Checkley seemed perfect to the women he courted on dating websites.
In reality, however, the 52-year-old was a serial fraudster who cheated his victims out of half a million pounds.
One lent him £10,000 after he claimed to need money for a vital operation to cure his fictional Parkinson’s disease.
Others gave him cash for invented business dealings as he posed variously as an architect, property developer, fighter pilot and Vietnam War veteran. One woman ended up losing her house.
Here’s where I’d elaborate:
How did this happen? How did so many smart, successful women fall for this bloke’s stories?
“In cases like this, the perpetrators often have a personality disorder,” explained one expert. “Often, people who charm others and then take advantage of them are sociopaths.”
The term “sociopath,” the expert explained, does not necessarily mean someone is a serial killer. Rather, a sociopath is someone with no conscience and no empathy for others. They can appear to be charming, glib and charismatic. They often seem to be a lot of fun. But they are social predators, whose aim is to exploit people to get what they want.
So why don’t the media explain what a sociopath is, or connect the dots so that people can start to see the pattern in the behavior described in these stories?
First of all, most reporters are clueless about this disorder, just as we were once all clueless. They went to the same schools and live in the same society as we do. If we never learned it, neither did they.
Secondly, even if the media realizes someone is a sociopath, actually saying it creates all kinds of legal problems. The media are in the publicity business, and publicity gone bad can turn into defamation. The Daily Mail has lost some big libel suits, and I’m sure would prefer to avoid them.
Media suggestions
So what could be done? Here are suggestions for the Daily Mail and other media:
- Publish informational stories about sociopathy, explaining how prevalent the disorder is, and what the symptoms are.
- Watch for stories in which someone has been diagnosed as a sociopath in court, because, in the U.S. at least, anything said in court can be published without fear of defamation.
- When someone is diagnosed as a sociopath, explain what it means, and what kind of behavior the person exhibited that is typical of a sociopath.
If the media could add education to the sensationalism, a lot of people may learn to recognize the behavior and avoid being victimized.
If I were a cynic, I’d say that the media might not want to do this, because then they’d have fewer sensational stories. But I don’t think they’d have to worry. Unfortunately, there are so many sociopaths, and they are so good, that it will be a long time before the predators run out of victims.
I will notify donna again and see if the problem is with her server or IT. Thanks for the information, it has been a continual problem with me on an on and off basis and drives me bonkers. LOL
Sociosibs, I got a bit excited reading your post! I think a community such as this of people who have gotten away from them has powerful potential as a research group and advocacy front to present education to the general public.
With these condescending reports about scams (even the word implies something slimy and low class but mainly involving money) and victims who’ve been cheated and swindled and abused there is a kind of condescencion. You are so right Rosa about how targets are looked down on in stories like that. In relation to sociopaths, a quote comes to mind
“There, but for the grace of God go I”
Any one of us who is wandering around like an innocent child is vulnerable to any manner of attack from these predators. This might be an exploitative work relationship, a single swindling event or a long term life sucking situation. Knowledge and intuition are definitely our best forms of defence against being prey again. Development of both is key. I think intuition exists even when we’re in relationship dynamic with the psychopath, but we teach ourselves to attempt to ignore it as it warns us of the extreme danger we’re surviving in.
It’s a war zone where you never know where the next hit is coming from .You have no idea what it will be – it could be a cold look or a frosty response or perhaps a general pattern of behaviour over days or weeks or years. And always the promises – so we teach ourselves to ignore it – we accept their version of reality where everything is perfectly normal according to them. We KNOW it’s not but nobody will believe us. That is if we’re not detached from everyone else in our lives but the psychopath.
It’s a real horror situation. All those films with ghosts and ghouls are nothing when compared to the horror that is a person with no feeling for his fellow human being. A heartless and souless shell – an automatron. That is horror. And to be abused and manipulated and lied to and used and treated with contempt by this person because we don’t know how to recognise them is a horror. It was hell for me – torment and hell on earth. I could have died or gone mad or given up or ended it all. But I didn’t. ANd now life is … not the same, but is slowly moving towards being more normal.
Public education is a must … we all need to share where we can with people who believe us and when we feel strong enough be prepared to highlight the issue to the mainstream media. I have contacted several investigative journalism programmes in my country to request a clip on everyday sociopaths and some of the myths attached to them. It would be good to have some funding from Government to help with public education campaigns … people really need to know about this.
Many thanks to Donna and other brave determined former targets who go above & beyond to spread the word!
“Public education is a must ” we all need to share where we can with people who believe us and when we feel strong enough be prepared to highlight the issue to the mainstream media.”
And thanks to Pollyannanomore and others here who gather the courage & gumption to speak & write publicly whenever the opportunity arises.
This place, Lovefraud, has been not only a great place for information and support, but a place where folks can heal safely and empower one another.
One of the biggest obstacles to protecting targets, and a boon for the sociopaths, is that they are believed no matter how absurd their tales, whereas we’re looked at as having 2 heads when we attempt to expose them. This is a key reason why I feel a need to raise awareness among professionals and the general public. However bizarre my story sounds, it is thus because of the exploits of the sociopath, rather than inherent in my telling about it, like the case of others here who are portrayed as nuts by the sociopath and not believed, compounding the trauma.
In addition to posting comments to articles online and sending messages to media requesting coverage of this topic, I, too, have been composing my own story. It began as a way to protect myself and my family, whom I believe to be in danger of the acts of a specific sociopath. Once it is ready, I’ll submit it here at Lovefraud, as well as at my website, and elsewhere.
Having been painfully confronted by how hard it is to get the word out, especially considering that we will not sink to the depths to which the sociopaths will, which puts us at a disadvantage, I’ve deduced that the way to counter such underhandedness is to methodically build a case. That is, collect evidence, put the puzzle pieces of the portrait of the sociopath together, and add an expert opinion or two.
It does seem that a main reason that the words, “sociopathy” & “psychopathy” are not attached to those who undoubtedly have it in the many published stories about them is due to liability issues, which sociopaths take full advantage of. So I figure if I back up my story with hard evidence and professional opinions, then that may cover the issue and allay the fear of legal action for publicizing it.
Read a follow up on the case of the bridegroom who murdered his wife 5 months after the wedding when she caught him on FB–he got 17 years! Be out sooner of course!
WHEN ARE THEY GOING TO MAKE MURDER A CRIME in the civilized world? Gosh I am tired of this carp where in the “civilized” world we almost condone Murder, and in other countries they will stone you for cheating! There has to be some MIDDLE GROUND HERE!
Thank you, One_step_at_a_time. Glad you liked it.
I’m an amateur designer so it isn’t a robust site, but it’s a basic start for what I’m trying to do in reducing or eliminating sociopathic destruction.
Dear Sociosibs,
I like your site very much, but I would recommend that you let people READ at least without joining, because your real reason for the site is INFORMATION and EDUCATION. Making it EASIER for folks to read I think will help push that agenda further.
As for publishing the “stories” and them being “verified” by whatever method you intend to “verify” them—even if you were Maginum PI, and a CSI, a judge and a lawyer all rolled into one, you cannot assure that your printed stories are TRUE. That is why newspaper say “the alleged rapist” or “Joe Blow was ALLEDGED to have raped a 4 year old.” ONLY after he is convicted by a jury and sentenced is he “guilty.” Then the paper will say, “Joe Blow was convicted of raping a 4 year old child.”
It so happens that I believe Donna’s story about James is true. She has newspaper articles etc. to attest to that, but that is not PROOF, as in a court of law except where he was convicted by a court.
OJ was judged “not guilty” too, but I think the truth is otherwise, so just having “proof” that someone is or is not “bad,” “mean” or “criminal” doesn’t mean they are a “psychopath/sociopath/Antisocial personality disorder.” Doesn’t mean I won’t say “my son is a psychopath” or that “my son displays behavior that is labeled psychopathic by mental health and lawenforcement professionals, such as…”
And NOTHING means they can’t sue you. (Believe me, I can prove that one!) Doesn’t mean they will prevail in a suit, but it does mean you must defend yourself, hire an attorney, etc.
Look at Maryjo Buttifuco, Joey threatened to sue her, he changed his mind, but in spite of everything he did and all the EVIUDENCE she had, she is NOT QUALLIFIED TO CALL HIM A SOCIOPATH legally. If he had had a “reputation” of any kind to besmerch, he might have actually prevailed in court.
Look at the story recently where the DA who texted the victim in a DV case he was handling and trying to have an affair with her. While you and I might think he is a psychopath for behaving in this way, legally and medically, he is not one. So he could sue me for saying he is… but I say, BRING IT ON BOZO, LET’S GO FOR IT!
Lovefraud is on a mission to do exactly what you are talking about – raise awareness about sociopaths.
In fact, that’s why I wrote my book as literary nonfiction – it is a nonfiction story written like a novel. My goal was to paint a picture of what these predators are really like, and how they manipulate their victims.
Please tell people about the book. My goal is to get a movement going – a movement of education, of enlightenment, of not letting these predators get away with their crimes because so many people are ignorant. I want all of us at Lovefraud to be a force, and the way to do that is to create an identity in the marketplace of ideas. If Love Fraud were to become a bestseller, it would give us the clout to make changes.
Dear Donna,
You HAVE CREATED A FORCE!!! The ripples of the stone you threw into the “ocean of ignorance” about psychopathy are still moving outward every day!
I read Hare’s book “Without Conscience” sometime in the mid 1990s, and though much of it resonated with me about my psychopathic family (specifically my P-sperm donor) never the less, Hare’s book did NOT give me the TOOLS to HEAL THE DAMAGE that had been done for decades to my LIFE.
Hare is GREAT as a researcher. Many other mental health researchers are great researchers and are working on the wheres and wherefores of psychopathy. How much is nurture, and how much is nature? BUT WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR ME?
Frankly, not much! LoveFraud on the other hand gave me a comforting place to come for validation and for knowing I was NOT alone in my misery. It helped me to see that others had come before me, and were working their way out of their misery and I could use their SHINING LIGHTS for guides to help me find the way.
It isn’t just about stories of bad people who hurt innocent people…it is about recognizing WHY there is a problem, and that THERE IS A SOLUTION. That there is a COMMON thread that runs through the seam of humanity.
We study the history of the Holocoust, not just to tell tales about bad guys who hurt others, or how they did it, but to find out how to prevent it from happening again. To recognize that there are some people on this earth that are so EVIL that they cannot even be redeemed by any God or philosophy, because they don’t want to be. We can’t change them, but we can refuse to enable them. We can help to heal their victims. We can educate others to their presence, and help them to recognize the predators when they see them just like a mama antelope teaches her calf to run from the smell of the lion.
Thank you again Donna! And everyone here on LF who has worked so hard to recover and to reach out hands to others to help them as well. God bless the survivors!
Dear Ox Drover,
Thank you for your feedback. I’m confused about the initial paragraph, though, particularly, “” I would recommend that you let people READ at least without joining, because your real reason for the site is INFORMATION and EDUCATION. Making it EASIER for folks to read I think will help push that agenda further. —
As for the stories, it is not that they need to be verified by professional opinions, it is that appropriate professionals can look at the evidence, such as public records and witness statements, and offer an opinion. It’s OK with me to use the word “alleged”, or clarify that they are only “opinions”, or even not attach the words “sociopath” or “psychopath” directly to the person profiled, so long as it’s within the same story and refers to that person. For instance, something along the lines of, “The acts that you describe fit the pattern of a psychopath, and here’s how,” or “These are typical behaviors which sociopaths engage in.”
In the case of my story, I’ve already secured an FBI trained & certified criminal profiler, and am also looking for a forensic psychiatrist trained & certified to administer Robert Hare’s psychopathy checklist.
Dear Donna,
“Lovefraud is on a mission to do exactly what you are talking about ”“ raise awareness about sociopaths.”
“Please tell people about the book. My goal is to get a movement going—
That’s why I’m such a devotee and applaud your valiant efforts. I mention Lovefraud in just about every conversation I have with folks about this topic, and refer them to this website. Now that your book is out, I’ve done my little part to promote it, too. I tell people about it and it’s among my website’s list of valuable resources at http://www.sociosibs.info/resources.htm.
With Lovefraud, you have indeed created a movement, and I’m blessed to be onboard.