By Ox Drover
Recently on Lovefraud there have been several people who have talked about how their ex-significant others have been violent, and yet they still have strong feelings for these (mostly) men. The readers find it difficult to go “no contact” and refuse to listen to the pleas of these guys to get back with them.
Statistics show that more women are hurt or murdered at the time that they are breaking up with someone who has formerly been violent than at any other time. Breaking up with someone who is physically violent can be dangerous. Staying with someone who has proven they are physically dangerous and capable of violence is more dangerous.
Here are stories about an ex-cop Eddy Coello from New York who has been arrested after his wife was found strangled and dead. She was apparently not the only woman he hurt either.
Eddy Coello, ‘person of interest’ in wife’s murder, assaulted and terrorized me, ex Glory Perez says, on NYDailyNews.com
Ex-cop Eddy Coello arrested by NYPD police on day he skips murdered wife Tina Adovasio’s funeral, on NYDalyNews.com
Ex-NYPD cop Eddy Coello arraigned in wife Tina Adovasio’s murder, on CBSNews.com.
Not everyone who murders someone has been violent before the murder, but many times they have been. They have “worked up” to the murder, either with lesser violence or with posturing and threatening.
Murder is the ultimate form of control, the ultimate form of revenge. Sometimes it is planned well in advance, and sometimes it is an impulsive act—but whatever the situation, it is a final solution. Murder is something that can’t be made amends for. It is the end for the victim.
If you are associated with someone who is violent, get away from them. Stay away from them. Keep yourself and your children safe. Do whatever you must to to remain safe.
An excellent source of information on keeping safe is Dr. Sherry L. Meinberg’s book,Toxic Attention—Keeping Safe from Stalkers, Abusers and Intruders. Dr. Meinberg is personally acquainted with being abused and holds the record with the FBI for the number of years she was abused, beaten and stalked by her former husband, an extremely violent mental health patient. Whatever you do, however, don’t think for one moment, “It could never happen to me. S/he wouldn’t go that far.”
breckgirl,
After thirteen years of marriage was when I first witnessed the raging, blowing me away, being dumbfounded by it. During an argument he followed me, punching a hole in the wall. He has put his face up close to mine, his body language being very intimidating, trying to control me with threats. As long as no-one challenges him on his behavior, he is fine, just dandy. He does not want to explain himself to anyone. I never imagined that I would experience such behavior from an adult person. He goes about life, living his life on his terms, not caring about how his actions affect others. They are deceptively self-centered people. The charm covers the underlying true personality – a callous, cold-hearted user of people.
I think this is a really good place to share about what OTHER kinds of violence that can happen, not “just” verbal and physical (although sexual too). Mine would put his hand around my NECK during sex and SQUEEZE. One time he did this, I literally COULD NOT BREATHE…so I purposely held my breath until he let go….
This was so subtle, that at the time, I never would have thought it was ABUSE, nor would have considered this remotely “violent” when it is most prominent in my memory. It scared me. And that was BEFORE the gun incident!
LL
dear bluejay – it is so hard to believe that someone we think we know and have spent years with can change or suddenly reveal the ugliness inside. I guess just like we do not come with instruction manuals as I tell my kids – the more dangerous characters do not come with warning tags either…
I have read that bi-polar disorder which makes people in the manic phase seem very high energy and fun can unleash itself later in life – it seems like early to mid 40’s is when untreated bi-polar can suddenly go off like a time bomb. I am sure Steve Becker or Dr. Leedom can address this since I am not a professional. What I have read is that unlike schizophrenia which I believe shows up in late adolescence or early 20’s bi-polar disorder can manifest later in life – this is not common but if a person with it grew up with fewer triggers (no family depression or stressors) or else someone was heavy into booze or drugs that can account for delayed onset of symptoms….
Oxy you mentioned Lacie Petersen – I live in the area she lived – went to school near where she was found. I always wonder what home life was like and if she was just such an upbeat positive person she put a gloss over how it was at home as she wouldn’t want to worry others. I wonder if she knew inside but did not want to admit to herself that the pretty picture she had imagined for herself was a lie. I know that is my projection but still….it is what I did – I fought knowing the truth because it wasn’t how I wanted my life to be. Accepting reality was the first step in my maturing and saving my own life and that of my children from the daily nightmare we were living and I kept excusing away – I hate to say how late that maturity came for me.
I have wondered since he was arrested WHY he did what he did, I realize he is a sociopath and that is the ultimate WHY but how could everyone close to them see them as the “perfect couple”—but a couple of the books written about him show that Laci KNEW ABOUT HIS INFIDELITY, and not only with Amber Frey—one of his girl friends actually walked into the bedroom with him and Laci in bed, thinking he was SINGLE and she was going to “surprise” him….his roommates actually let her into the house so LACI KNEW at least about one of his infidelities…..and I think that like you said, Blue, she didn’t want to believe what she saw, what she knew, and she kept up this pretense of the “perfect marriage.” Well, we know if he was cheating and Laci knew it wasn’t “perfect” don’t we?
Scott and his mother both were labeled “pathological liars” and her daughter Anne Bird says that Jackie will “recreate facts” to suit herself…so Scott being a pathological liar is the apple not falling far from the tree. Jackie had 3 kids in almost as many years when she was 18-21 and gave up 2 of them for adoption, then was persuaded to keep Jackie was raised in an orphanage noted for its brutality and sexual and physical as well as emotional abuse from age 2 to 13, at which time she moved back to her mother’s house to care for her mother who was ill. So, she didn’t have a stable home life to start with….and Scott probably didn’t get much “mothering” from her either. So there was at least a home life devoid of loving and nurturing.
I think the signs of lack of empathy and his capability for violence were there prior to the murder—my own theory is that he actually didn’t pre-plan her murder, but they had a fight and he killed her in an outburst of rage, possibly over something that she said or did that threatened his “perfect” fantasy world….he had also created fake scholarships and fake diplomas from schools he never went to as well as the fantasy “world traveler” he portrayed to Amber Frey….
Then there is the point too that several years before Laci’s death, he had described how he would weight down a body by the head, hands and feet and throw it into the bay—Laci’s body had no head, hands or feet, indicating that she had been weighted down at those points which eventually gave way, detaching from the body, which because of gasses rose to the surface to wash ashore. So he had, I think, thought of how he would dispose of a body prior to Laci’s death…so maybe he did premeditate her death.
He sure didn’t do well at “faking” a normal behavior though of someone who was “grief stricken”—so his “mask” wasn’t all that great after all.
Which leads me to the conclusion that people who are chronic and habitual liars, fakes, show little or no empathy are capable of more violence than most people might imagine. That’s the kicker, is that “normal” people don’t assume that someone who “lies” and has little empathy is capable of what they actually ARE capable of—I never imagined my P son was capable of murder either, not until it happened. Robbery, other things? yes, murder? No!
Ox,
I have a question about this. My ex would be “violent” as described above or as he did with the gun, but I’m still alive.
He DID NOT do this with either of his ex wives and I KNOW that for a fact.
Please don’t misunderstand me, I don’t believe that his hatred of me makes me “special” in any way…..
But why the hell did he hate me so much he would be willing to show me he would kill me?
I got the message.
But why? Why ME and not his ex’s?
I believe he hates me more than I could ever understand more than his ex’s.
But WHY?
Was I really that disposable?
He ALWAYS wanted me to feel less than the ex’s.
Was it worth me dying over for him?
He could have done it, Ox. And the only one’s who would have suspected that he did anything at all, would have been my children, which ironically, may well have kept me alive…he knew how protective they were over me and how much they HATED him…
Could that have saved my life? Why was I such a focus of this man’s hatred? He had many to hate.
Why?
I didn’t read your posts until now Oxy and LL. I had already posted on a similar topic here.
http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2011/04/11/sudden-psychopath-the-horrifying-yet-strange-case-of-col-russell-williams/comment-page-1/#comment-114247
We must be on the same wave length, thinking similar thoughts right now.
LL,
to answer your question. He hates all humanity the same. You were just extra vulnerable and that makes you extra delicious to him. It’s like the difference between eating cow and eating veal. Veal seems more cruel because the animal is raised in such strict confines, that if it could speak it would ask, “why, why? why do you hate me so much?” But the cows would ask the same, they don’t want to be eaten either. (no offense Oxy, I eat meat too, but not veal) Neither you nor his wife was hated more or less, you were just very very vulnerable because of your past abuse – which he knew all about. In fact, he chose you because he knew that your spath husband was abusing you. He didn’t come in to save you, he came in to get some of that action.
LL – the thing is it is progressive – like a disease – kind of like a peeping tom progresses to an underwear thief to a rapist to a killer – it wasn’t you – it was that you met him further along in his “depraved” thinking / behavior.
The BIGGEST GIFT I could give anyone here is to make sure you know THIS IS NOT ABOUT YOU – you just happen to be witness and subject to their craziness and evilness. If it had not been you it would have been someone else – they are who they are – their behavior is not a reflection of your imperfections or mistakes – your value is not assessed by how they treat(ed) you. You are a child of God and are perfect – you are not a burned dinner, unpaid bill or a badly ironed shirt or any of the other things that you been verbally beaten with.
Please get it – THIS IS NOT ABOUT YOU. They don’t love you, they don’t want to waste time knowing about you or needing to care for you and make the most feeble attempts only to con you into believing they love you so you will stay with them.
The day I realized THIS IS NOT ABOUT ME – IT NEVER HAS BEEN AND IT NEVER WILL BE… was they day I gained my real freedom even though he had been out of the picture for months.
The bigger lesson I learned is that loving people will love me and cruel people will be cruel and either way I just happen to be there – so the goal is to go spend time and energy around loving people. You cannot make an unloving selfish narcissistic person become a warm nurturing loving person.
Go share your light and lives with warm loving people and heal. Find peace and know joy.
I called him to tell him I was moving and he wouldn’t know where I lived, and to have a nice life. The conversation was unnerving. “Why are you so calm?” he asked. “I’m doing well, I’ve been in therapy, no hard feelings.” “I still don’t understand why you’re so calm or why you are calling, but I am doing GREAT,” he said. He asked about my business, goals, and dreams, and said that he was “happy” to hear I was doing well.
Within 24 hours my bank account was empty – it went from 1400 to 7 within a 24 hour period. I did NOT think it was him. I sent him a text message, because he was the last person I spoke with. He called me with uncontrollable rage, telling me, “I knew this was going to happen, I knew you just wanted to ruin MY LIFE!” He continued to call and harass me, then told me over the phone, ” I am glad you can experience love and empathy, I’m glad you are not like me, because it means that you will be miserable and pathetic your whole life. And I am going to do everything in my power to make you as miserable as I can for the rest of MY life.”
I STILL didn’t think it was him. Fast forward three weeks, two restraining order hearings where he didn’t show, and every account I own in every capacity hacked, from my website to my t-mobile account. I discovered all of the classes he was attending at a community college didn’t exist. He had my roommate — an electronic musician — help him build a voice changer for a “sound design” class. He literally has been stalking me for years and only reconnected by being a voyeur on FaceBook. He read and memorized me like a book, held up a mirror to pretend to be who I was looking for, told me he had gone to treatment and he only wanted positive people in his life. He also spoke a lot about fate and instinct. I discovered through a mutual friend that these things that he told me came directly from the movie “Wanted” — starring Angelina Jolie and Morgan Freeman. His father is a CIA agent — real life, and process serving him has been the scariest and greatest pain.
All of the people he talked sh– about showed up in court as his character witnesses at our third hearing. They have criminal backgrounds and he knows they will be pulled, it’s a federal courthouse. He doesn’t care, he is parading them out like his toys. I am positive he doesn’t care if he goes to prison — his only fear is being alone and having nobody to manipulate. He doesn’t care about anything, everything is a toy and a game. He has 14 years hanging over his head for stabbing a girlfriend in the neck with scissors when he was 19, he is 33 now. He convinced the judge it was a psychotic episode caused by the drugs he was using.
He went away and came back charming, remorseful, and then began to bare his teeth about a year out.
I grew up with a pedophile psychopath. My father molested me and many others. I have dated sociopaths and other abusers.Yet I have never been more sick or scared. I have been diagnosed with acute stress disorder.
This one is going to kill me. Mutual friends believe his charm – they don’t look at the facts and the attempted suicides by his current girlfriend, they don’t look at the fact that throughout high school he was beating people and robbing them and that he worked as a mortician’s assistant all the way up to the point that he stabbed his first victim. They don’t see the emptiness in his eyes — and if they do, they think it is deepness or something to be transfixed with.
My attorney told me she thought that I should run. No joke, that is what she told me — to drop the protective order, take care of myself, and RUN. I can’t do that, he will find me.
I have friends that think I am schizophrenic, rambling about how his father is in the CIA and how I have filed reports with the internet crimes commission and am getting spoofed calls and emails. Every day a new account is hacked. Even my web server locked me out because somebody tried a series of passwords and authentication failed — Thank God.
His lies, his hate, and his rage are out of control. His parents protect and defend him and pay for fancy lawyers. He is violent, intelligent, cunning and can mimic anyone or anything.
I have considered suicide a better solution than dying at his hands, but I know better. I can’t let him win.
He is so dangerous, evil, and gorgeous all at once. I looked at him in court and all I saw was the emptiness and hatred in his eyes.
If somebody has a violent past, they most likely have a violent future. I am telling my story everywhere I can, but in the end, I am pretty sure this psychopath will find a way to kill me. All I do is cry, work on my court case and all the investigations, and pray.
Dear Mysmys,
Running is an option…I have done it and there are ways to do it and to stay safe where he can’t find you…..leave no paper trail.
It won’t be easy, but you can do it….I had to run, and by not having any utilities in my name and keeping my vehicle registered/insured etc at my old address (you can also get an LLC which is kind of like a corporation but not easily traced) to register your car to….or move to a city where you don’t have to have a car….don’t let this man kill you. There are many books on the internet about how to hide in plain sight….I may still have to run again if my P-son gets out of prison, but I’ll do what I have to do to stay alive til I die…but I will NOT live in terror, but will live with CAUTION—-Knowledge is power, but take care of yourself FIRST! Don’t let him win. (((hugs))) and God bless you and keep you safe!
I am with Oxy 100% – leaving a place where you have to live on high alert for a place where eventually you can live in watchfulness but not terror or on guard would be your best choice if you count the days of your life with value and don’t want to waste them in a dance with this particular devil.
I had extenuating circumstances that kept me where I am or I too would have left silently in the night….