By Ox Drover
Recently on Lovefraud there have been several people who have talked about how their ex-significant others have been violent, and yet they still have strong feelings for these (mostly) men. The readers find it difficult to go “no contact” and refuse to listen to the pleas of these guys to get back with them.
Statistics show that more women are hurt or murdered at the time that they are breaking up with someone who has formerly been violent than at any other time. Breaking up with someone who is physically violent can be dangerous. Staying with someone who has proven they are physically dangerous and capable of violence is more dangerous.
Here are stories about an ex-cop Eddy Coello from New York who has been arrested after his wife was found strangled and dead. She was apparently not the only woman he hurt either.
Eddy Coello, ‘person of interest’ in wife’s murder, assaulted and terrorized me, ex Glory Perez says, on NYDailyNews.com
Ex-cop Eddy Coello arrested by NYPD police on day he skips murdered wife Tina Adovasio’s funeral, on NYDalyNews.com
Ex-NYPD cop Eddy Coello arraigned in wife Tina Adovasio’s murder, on CBSNews.com.
Not everyone who murders someone has been violent before the murder, but many times they have been. They have “worked up” to the murder, either with lesser violence or with posturing and threatening.
Murder is the ultimate form of control, the ultimate form of revenge. Sometimes it is planned well in advance, and sometimes it is an impulsive act—but whatever the situation, it is a final solution. Murder is something that can’t be made amends for. It is the end for the victim.
If you are associated with someone who is violent, get away from them. Stay away from them. Keep yourself and your children safe. Do whatever you must to to remain safe.
An excellent source of information on keeping safe is Dr. Sherry L. Meinberg’s book,Toxic Attention—Keeping Safe from Stalkers, Abusers and Intruders. Dr. Meinberg is personally acquainted with being abused and holds the record with the FBI for the number of years she was abused, beaten and stalked by her former husband, an extremely violent mental health patient. Whatever you do, however, don’t think for one moment, “It could never happen to me. S/he wouldn’t go that far.”
Dear Mysmys,
Dr. Sherry L. Meinberg who was stalked for 40 years wrote a book called “The Bogeyman, Stallking and its aftermath” It is an excellent book….and there are others one by a guy named JJ Luna which gives ideas of how to lose a paper trail so that it is almost impossible to follow you physically. You may even have to go to another country—but that still beats the graveyard…I am determined to keep safe.
?A restraining order or protective order is a piece of paper, it only keeps people away who really are afraid of going to jail. If he is not afraid of going to jail, or thinks he is so smart he won’t get caught, then he may try to kill you, so I think most restraining orders are worthless.
My P son, when he gets out of prison, even if he has to wear an ankle monitor and is kept in Texas, will cut the monitor off come to my state and come directly to me to kill me—even if he knew he would be most likely killed in the process. He hates me that much, it is so important for him to “get even with” for turning him i9n to the cops for robbing our friends business. That was 23 years and he did 6 weeks as a juvy with the record sealed. Then went on 4-5 months later to do another felony robbery that I didn’t turn him in for but he gout caught the next day—but it was still MY faulty he was in prison. I can’t figure out how, but he has it figured out. So, with me cutting him out of my will, and adopting another son it is important for me to die. Makes sense to him.
So because I know he is capable of murder—he’s done it in cold blood and premeditated, there’s no doubt he is capable if he gets out. I’ll do my best to keep him incarcerated as long as I can.But, if he gets a discharge I will most likely have to move and go underground until he is rearrested and goes back to prison.
But it isn’t the end of the world….I may go over seas, but will probably stay right here in central Arkansas. There just will be no paper trail leading to me.
Oxy,
You can stay at my house. You would love it. But I think with all the people that you have saved here on LF, you will have an open, standing invitation anywhere you want to go. Your spath son can’t say the same – LOL. WTF, just keep traveling while you wait for the egg donor to die.
The spaths have hatred toward their mothers and they will kill women, any women, as a substitute. I have told you about my own spath and how he told me that I reminded him of his mother, even though I look NOTHNG like her. She was large, red headed and german, I’m tiny, petite, dark-haired. (well, kinda fat now 🙂 )
Anyway, it’s the root of their illness. They needed their moms when they were infants and they learned to manipulate their moms but something didn’t work out quite right and they failed. Now they hold a grudge.
I read about it in Joseph Campbells book. I think it was, “the hero with a thousand faces”. I know it sounds weird. It sounds unbelievable, but my spath told my BF that he wanted to gut my neighbor, Jaye, from her throat to her navel. He was having an affair with her and he was using her to try to destroy me. They always tell a kernal of truth.
Well, Joseph Campbell says THE EXACT SAME THING ABOUT INFANTS. Of course I can’t know where he got his knowledge from, but he describes exactly the same desire of the infant to gut its mother. Weird huh?
I might be posting things that make people/you very uncomfortable. But it’s so important to understand this stuff, not just for ourselves but for the human race. Our experiences are nothing new. Just the same stuff we read about in the bible.
No, Oxys coming to Australia to stay with me!
That should be far enough away from spath son!
Oxy knows shes welcome to stay here as long as she likes!
She can have 6 months with each of us, but who will look after all her animals,LOL?
I forgot, shes going to SWIM over on Fat ASS,s back, towing Hairy Ass ,whos bringing all the luggage!
Shes going to leave the psychotic cat at home!!
Love,
GemXX
Hey, were all getting way too serious! Its time for an LF party folks! Lets crack open the champagne, fire up the barby, and BOOGIE into the night!
Hens and LL can bring their Wieners,LL can bring her che wow wow, EB can bring Holly,Oxy can bring FaT and Hairy Ass,Il bring Bobby,{my Poodle},well have a great time!!
Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow we diet!LOL!!
Love,
Mama gemXX
MOM!
she can bring her Asses to my house and her psychotic cat too. I use tracking devices on my animals so that I can always find them.
Did you say DIET? That’s a 4-letter word!!
Shame on you Mom!
Yea Sky, The 4 major food groups are,
+White chocolate
+dark Chocolate,
+Peanut Butter, and
+Choc caramel Frosting.
Everything else is BAD for you,LOL!! Would I lie to you?
Love,
Mama GemXX
breckgirl,
One of my sisters suspects that the spath is hyperactive, simply because he’s never around, always busy, on the move (she noticed this while we were married). He comes across as cool, calm, and collected at all times. If you “worry him” (his words), or translated, try and have a serious discussion about what he has or hasn’t done (failed to live up to his obligations), then you’ll see the raging. He is not normal, obviously. I think that he has gotten worse with age. I just live my life, getting completely free of him. I’ll look up bi-polar disorder and see what that condition is all about. The spath’s paternal family tree has other spaths in it (my assessment), such as his deceased father (displayed many traits of sociopathy), a female cousin (she conned her maiden aunt into making her executor of her estate, getting all the aunt’s money and assets, ticking my father-in-law off), and an uncle (who was committed to a mental hospital for a violent act toward one of his siblings), having been afflicted with the disorder. The family does have some interesting stories, that’s for sure.
Thank you everyone for just reading this, and for your responses.
He could have taken the restraining order without admissions, and he would not have violated his parole. It WILL be a parole violation when the judge grants it, and there are numerous criminal charges that are currently being investigated and these are all federal cases because of where I live and the fact that these are almost all internet crimes.
I am almost positive he reads all of these forums and, well, everything on the web about himself and anyone else. He trolls. He has nothing else to do — he is 33 and he lives in his parents basement. I am sure his father is a spath, too. He has told me his family hates me and that is ONE thing I believe. His father seemed to take great joy in being in the courthouse. He terrorizes his mother, I feel sorry and scared for her, knowing the abuse she has lived through at both of their hands. I cannot imagine what it is like to live over 30 years terrified of the man you are in love with, then another 20 terrified of both him and your own son. I imagine she feels tremendous guilt and that it is all her fault. And I also imagine she is so brainwashed she has no idea what reality IS anymore.
Kind of how I was, until I went back to therapy in December and my mind cleared up a lot.
In a way, the lies he has told are pretty amusing. Especially since he told me he was diagnosed with a “5th grade reading level” — incredibly impossible, all he did was read the DSM book and legal books in prison. He has made up so many disorders and diagnoses and had so many of the labels, from bipolar to sociopath to ADHD (which, apparently, is his current diagnosis, he takes his adderall to stay up all night and won’t leave the house when the sun is out.)
Running is a difficult option. He has literally made it impossible for me to access my money, I re-ordered all of my things and they came to my old house and then disappeared — stolen right out of the mailbox — while I have been in the safe house. He has access to criminals from his term in prison. I am not sure how far they will go for him. I think it depends on their level of intelligence. I am lucky to live in a city that is about 80% African American — he hates/fears black people and it is very likely he had trouble keeping his mask on in prison to take the time to befriend any.
I believe in my heart that while easily manipulated, most of the criminals he has befriended don’t have it in them to KILL for him, especially considering the federal charges, they are not going to risk life in prison for him. His FAMILY would have to offer a ton on money for somebody to be willing to take that risk, and they are very protective of their reputations and careers. I am not sure how far they will support him when these things come out in court.
I have thought about calling Fox News. I don’t WANT to be on the news, but if this restraining order somehow doesn’t go through, if it becomes a news story, at least there will be people watching and knowing what is happening, if anything further happens to me.
When I had access to money, I have spent a lot of it moving my things into storage and dealing with all of these debts and wreckage from the past, which was the path I was on before he decided to try to ruin me THIS round. I try to avoid thinking about when this REALLY began, it has been almost four years — literally 3 years NO CONTACT, and I had been restored to sanity and removed many evil people from my life.
My family lives in the same town with him. I am a city away and he DOES have an ankle bracelet, I do not doubt he will cut it off when he feels it is time. I don’t get along with my family and we don’t speak much, he is aware of this and knows I feel they are a burden to me, mom & stepdad are both ill and and will have to go to a care home in the next year or so… He wants me to have as many burdens as possible, and thank God their house is on total lockdown and dog is so funny and crazy she is a rescue and has “issues” that make her impossible to walk in a lot of places, she’s just a step away from being called a “dangerous dog” — she bites and snaps and freaks out at so many people.
I am at a loss right now for any further words. I don’t know what tomorrow will bring, or the next day, I know I have court this upcoming week, he wants to take a civil protective order to trial, and that is really the only thing I know. I never tell anybody what route I will take to get anywhere, I never tell my family or friends where I am located. The acute stress disorder makes my memory so terrible I haven’t even memorized the address where I am staying, and have given it out inaccurately to my mother TWICE, and finally, I told her it DOESN’T matter, not to send any mail here anyway.
If I leave town completely, I am afraid he will never ever be charged with anything. It ISN’T just about me anymore, I truly believe he has probably killed many women and not been caught. I have never been more religious, never really believed in the EVIL side of things, until recently. I just couldn’t wrap my head around the idea of evil. I have known him the longest — this is where his rage stems from — he doesn’t comprehend the word “love” but he comprehends “loyalty” — and I breached that over 4 years ago.
I want to change my name and move out of state. Changing my name won’t help, though, if it has to be published in all of the newspapers and on public record. I own a very successful business and am pretty high profile here, it won’t be easy to pick up and disappear even when I get access to my money again. Unfortunately, all of my bank accounts are virtual banks, mostly because I had to close and re-open accounts due to financial fraud and I am literally afraid to go to branches in person. So I can’t just pick up and go.
I don’t know what steps to take or what order to take them in.
I literally don’t KNOW HOW to just pick up and leave. I don’t have a car, I don’t own any property, and I currently don’t even have a lease in my name, I gave my 30 days notice at the old address while I have been in the safe house.
My mail goes to the old house where it is presumably stolen, I am not speaking to those roommates, one of them has actually spoken to HIM because they met him, he was adorable and nervous and charming for them — and they contacted him because they were worried and think I am crazy. He told them I had been diagnosed with schizophrenia. They know he went to prison for malicious wounding — he doesn’t tell anyone the nature of the crime, he has some other lie he makes up, they don’t write the details out in background checks so all it says is “malicious wounding” — not “stabbed his girlfriend of two years in the neck with a pair of scissors”. However, there are several articles archived on Google about the incident, even though it happened over 10 years ago.
I have changed my address only privately with a few businesses. They are aware of what is going on, in fact, they are a part of the investigations for the criminal charges.
If somebody could PM me? Let me know *how* to disappear? The first few steps? I literally have no access to cash of any sort until this weekend because I had to re-order everything, again. I want to disappear after court — the FBI is investigating some of these things and I know they will find me, I am not afraid of that, they may be able to put me in witness protection or something.
Dear Mysmys,
Just so you will know, I also had to RUN with little more than what I could carry from my home in order to be safe from a stalker who lived in my mother’s house on another part of our farm. So I do know about fear….the stalker was sent by my P son who was and is in prison for murder, to kill me, so he could inherit everything I have.
I am assuming you are living in a shelter,
STOP!!!! TAKE A DEEP BREATH: I am also assuming if you order anything on line with a credit card it will be SHIPPED TO YOUR OLD ADDRESS…STOP: you have done this before and lost IT. DO NOT DO THIS AGAIN…SAVE WHAT MONEY YOU HAVE.
You are PANICKED right now. And with GOOD REASON but Panic doesn’t help you, it makes you react—react like a rabbit with a dog on its trail. You must use your HEAD and your WITS and you can’t do it when you are in a panic.
SLOW DOWN and BREATHE.
First let me show you some things that are NOT true in your statements. above.
1. YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR PARENTS or for taking care of them, you are first and ONLY responsible for taking care of YOURSELF. You can’t do anything for anyone else if you are DEAD or in panic mode.
2. The FBI may investigate some of these things that he is doing but they will NOT put you into witness security (witness protection) and even if they did for a few days, they are not going to go to the trouble to spend a great deal of money or time on you as a witness unless he is a BIG international Drug dealer or mafia don, so don’t depend on them helping you.
Here are some positive things:
YOU ARE ALIVE.
Okay, the “stuff” you have in storage or had in storage, or anything else is NOT important–that stuff would only slow you down. All you really need is a couple of sets of clothes and a tooth brush.
The farther away you get the harder it will be to track you and to get there to hurt you, so just GETTING OUT OF TOWN IS ONE OF YOUR BIGGEST SAFETY NETS.
If you are not in a shelter, go to one, call the DV support line, or go to a church or other place of worship and tell them you are in danger and ask for assistance. Take any court documents you have to prove this because you are going to look “crazy” to them. Don’t let that worry you, even my new therapist thought I was a NUT JOB until he saw my documents and heard my one witness. It’s okay to be crazy and paranoid when someone IS TRYING TO KILL YOU.
Gather up all the relevant documents about your identity, credit, etc. and get them into a bag so that you can keep them with you.
If you are due to testify in court on a criminal case, CALL the detective and tell him or her that you are going to have to disappear for your own safety.
Make up your mind that the piece of paper “protection order” or whatever they call it IS ONLY WORTH WHILE IF HE IS AFRAID OF IT. If he has been in jail or prison before for VIOLENCE this order is probably only a BULLS EYE to paste on your back as he is not afraid of it.
If he has prison buddies he will be able to convince them that somehow it will benefit them if they hurt or kill you—if they can’t find you though, that is your best defense.
The people in the shelter should be able to help you with advice if even nothing else….if you must, go from town to town by train or bus from DV shelter to DV shelter…until you can find a place to settle down.
California is one state that is very helpful and will actually help people change their name without publishing it in the paper for their safety.
I thiink your worst problem right now is your panic, and I have been there, I did not realize that my house, my home, my stuff was WORTHLESS IF I WAS DEAD…I worried about taking care of my “mother” who was helping the psychopaths (my P son and his criminal friend) and even after the convict was arrested and sent to prison, and in the meantime he had started an affair with my daughter in law and she also went to prison….now she still sends money and hires attorneys for my P son to try to get him out of prison on parole. I am NO CONTACT with her though she lives on the same farm I do. I am in my home again, but still cautious and careful and know that if my son gets out of prison on parole I will have to change my name and go into deep hiding again.
The main thing is that there must be no direct PAPER TRAIL to where you are and where you get your mail.
Keep in mind though, that through hacking internet access can be had to things you post or your IP address that you are using even if you are using a computer at a library they can at least figure out the town you are using it from. So, close down any face book accounts or anything like that. If you need a credit card to order something off the internet or for any other reason, get a PREPAID CARD, or a GIFT CARD that cannot be traced and can be kept in any name you pick out. It will give the same usefulness as a credit card without the danger.
NO UTILITIES IN YOUR NAME, so no phone contracts, only the throw away pay as you go cell phones…
If you have a driver’s license, it must not be registered in the address you live so if you want to keep it current, I suggest that you get the DV shelter people to help you with that, but since you do not have a car at this time, that’s not a problem that needs to be addressed TODAY.
Start with the things that are important TODAY. Things that are about YOUR safety. Shelter, food, that sort of thing. Check into what resources are available to provide you with these things until you can start working again.
Then start with looking at things that should be addressed SOON, like any health care issues. Medical, dental, emotional and counseling. Look at what your resources are and what your needs are.
Do NOT concern yourself with “stuff”—-the less you have to carry the safer you are, the easier and more quickly you can move. I had to learn that STUFF is just that, STUFF, and my life is more important than the STUFF. We get distracted by our STUFF and the importance we put on it, but in the end, that is all it is.
Think of what you NEED (papers and documents to prove who you are) and a couple of changes of clothes, medications, and a toothbrush—everything else can be replaced at some time or other when you are SAFE.
Keep coming here, keep reading, and start the slow breathing, and telling yourself that you are ARE ARE going to be safe….don’t focus on the things that aren’t going to help you in the long run and panic about them. PUT YOURSELF FIRST!!!! PUT YOUR SAFETY FIRST….even before anything else.
RUNNING IS A GOOD OPTION and if he can’t find you because you are on the other side of the country and there is no paper trail from A to B, then you are safer than with 100 orders of protection. It is obvious you dont have much in the way of friends or support where you are, so make a new life right from the bottom up. You can do it. You are stronger than you know! Just PUT YOURSELF FIRST!!!! Your SAFETY! God bless and protect you! (((hugs)))
My ex spath was violent. His best friend witnessed one of the two fights we had and had to actually protect me from him. He was trying to physically put me out of his home and later told his friend he was only trying to scare me and make me think he was crazy. The second incident he injured my neck. Like I say the third time is a charm. I did not give him the opportunity to put his hands on me again. That final time could have led to something much more serious and maybe even death. Ps are abnormal beings they make impulsive decions and actions and no matter how bad they never are sorry. Most act like it never happened the next day.