By | May 28, 2012 194 Comments

If you feel an emotional void, the sociopath will step in

I recently received email from a woman whom we’ll call Adriana:

I am told I am a very beautiful, intelligent, fun, woman, but that is all subjective. I am 61 years old but pass for late 40’s; good genes. I have been divorced for 10 years and engaged once during that time. I have dated so many men and feel that I have no purpose because I can’t find “him.” I don’t find most men attractive don’t have chemistry with them and I don’t want to settle. I have not been successful in love at all and have tried to look within myself to see my faults but the truth is I just want to love and be loved.

Anyway, I am so tired of dating and getting my hopes up each time I meet someone I really am attracted to. I was setting up a booth for a trade show and a man from the booth a few down came by and gave me a bottle of water (he is a manager for a water company) and I said thanks and did not really pay much attention to him ”¦ he was ok looking.

The next day he was all dressed up looked so nice and he came to my booth looked me dead in the eyes and said “so where are you taking me to lunch?” I was so charmed by his approach and of course we ended up having lunch and then went out that night, but he conned me into dinner than back to his apt. Where he put the move on me. I am a savvy woman, but I must have been stupid. We spent the weekend together and he began to change plans on me, would get all emotional and cry but I never saw any tears, anyway bottom line is he is a liar, he never asked me for money ever, but the rest of the stuff on your sociopath list he is guilty of.

Everything is about HIM AND ONLY HIM, I think his cold hot actions were to throw me off and keep me under his control. Anyway my question is how could I have such deep feelings for this man I have known for two weeks, and if he is only like eight out of your 10 markers does that mean he is not a sociopath? He has done so much damage to me that I prayed to die. I feel worthless, unworthy, lonely, and I still miss the jerk.

I tried to level with him and told him no more games, I wanted to be loved and he said he could not give me that now. That was the first honest thing he said to me I think.

Please help me figure out if he is or is not a sociopath ”¦

Adriana’s first question was, “How can I have such deep feelings for this man I have known for two weeks?” The answer: Adriana was the target of calculated seduction.

She didn’t provide a lot of detail about her interaction. But a man who walks up and says, “Where are you taking me to lunch?” has obviously targeted her. So I assume he also employed the rest of the strategies in the sociopath’s playbook, such as love bombing and the sudden soul mates tactic. I explain them all in my book, Red Flags of Love Fraud—10 signs you’re dating a sociopath. The bottom line is that for two weeks, Adriana was probably subject to over-the-top attention, and she responded.

About her second question—If Adriana saw eight out of the 10 Red Flags of Love Fraud, then that’s warning enough. It doesn’t matter if the guy doesn’t completely qualify as a sociopath, he certainly qualifies as bad news, and that’s exactly what I told her.

Emotional void

But reading this email, I was more concerned about Adriana’s frame of mind. She came out and said, “I feel that I have no purpose because I can’t find ‘him.'”

This is precisely the type of emotional void that a sociopath will happily step into.

I am not criticizing Adriana. I know exactly how she feels, because I once felt the same way. I was smart, successful, attractive, looked younger than my years—and none of that made any difference to me because I was without a partner.

The emptiness in my heart was certainly palpable to me—and perhaps to the sociopath as well. James Montgomery quickly figured out that I was an easy target. He complimented me, poured on the attention, proclaimed I was the woman he’d been waiting for all his life, painted a shimmering picture of how wonderful our life together would be—and I swallowed it all, hook, line and sinker.


Sociopaths specialize in preying on lonely people. So if you are walking around with a big hole in your heart instead of the fulfillment of love, imagine that you are also walking around with a big, red target tattooed on your forehead. KNOW THAT YOU ARE VULNERABLE.

Sociopaths have an uncanny ability to sense emptiness. For this reason, if you feel lonely, it is critically important that you know the Red Flags of Love Fraud. Because sociopaths all seem to use exactly the same strategies and tactics, I’m beginning to believe that involvements with these destructive individuals are totally preventable, if you know what to look for, and, if you spot the signs, you get out.

But you also need to know yourself. Sociopaths target vulnerabilities, and there are many more vulnerabilities besides loneliness. You can be overly trusting. You can be wounded from past betrayals. You can be suffering from grief.

Vulnerabilities are not necessarily flaws. We are all vulnerable in some way. It’s part of being human. In fact, we must allow ourselves to be vulnerable in order to have a fulfilling relationship. But we must recognize that vulnerabilities also leave us open to exploitation by sociopaths.

Red Flags of Love Fraud Workbook

To help you become aware of your vulnerabilities, and recognize when someone is trying to take advantage of you, I’ve put together a companion for my new book called the Red Flags of Love Fraud Workbook.

It’s a small book—only 40 pages—with checklists and questions to ask yourself, and spaces to record your answers. Its purpose is to enable you to think carefully about your internal reality, so you can strengthen your resistance to predators. And if you’ve already been snagged by a sociopath, answering the questions will help you figure out how it happened, and what you have to do to get out of the involvement.

The Workbook will be available exclusively in the Lovefraud Store, and will be free with the purchase of the printed version of Red Flags of Love Fraud.

The key to keeping sociopaths out of your life is to know that they exist, know the warning signs, and know yourself. The two Red Flags of Love Fraud books give you the tools you need to stay safe and healthy.

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This is my first post on there and I identify with the letter. I always felt that I had a great life, but was missing a partner to have a family with. My son is 7 and his father I divorced while I was pregnant and he has since passed. I would love to give him a good male role model. I met a guy online a little over a year ago we talked had the same passion horses and hit it off. He was a shy yes mame cowboy I grew up around and was just a nice guy. I knew one of his three acknowledged ex fiances and she warned me about him, but she’s not exactly all together herself and I confronted him and he explained everything. I checked it online, knew his employer and checked him out there as well as in the horse community. I could not find anything really bad so proceeded with caution. We were together almost a year when I was discarded. My son and I were discarded literally in front of my replacement. I didn’t know what was going on at first he said that the crazy lady there was a friend who had left an abuser and was only staying a few days until she found a place of her own. I was still there just like normal for two weeks, in fact he called me more than ever and was more attentive, but at the point told me he needed me to be more his friend than girlfriend as he was going down finiancially and would not drag me with him. He said he knew if he’d let me I’d just jump in and fix it, but he had to do this on his own. He never asked for alot of money or things so I didn’t pick up on anything. In total over the year, I gave him $500, but it was always for something and I saw the receipts where that’s where the money went. I did take a computer there and some minor stuff like CDs. I truelly didn’t think anything until after we had our talk he just stopped calling or answering when I called, I left messages at his work nothing, emailed nothing. I didn’t understand how someone who said they cared for me deeply and for my son deeply that he just needed a time out(he even told my son he wasn’t leaving) and hopefully we would pick up again and keep going. The hurt was something I’ve never experienced before and hope to never again. I could not understand how someonoe or why someone would act this way. He always said he didn’t believe in cheating or lying so when I offered to take my stuff home the night of our talk and he said no you’re not going anywhere and we are not completely breaking up. I’ve never begged anyone not to leave, but I did him as I thought after all the crap in my life he was my blessing from God. He was adament that he wasn’t leaving me so I believed. Every time I questioned him on anything, he always had a logical explanation for it and it was backed up if I checked on it. As time went by and there was no contact, I started to get really upset to the point where if I didn’t have my son I would have probably ended my life. I’m a Christian and suicide is always a non option, but I was so hurt I literally could not breathe. I have a close friend who until recently I did not know could tap into people and see things. I hate to say psychic, because her gift is word of knowledge from God, but she started to tell me what she saw and when she got to no capacity to love and doesn’t really believe in it something clicked and I started to look online as I know that’s not normal and found you guys. Between here and my friend, I see now I was played in a cruel way where I didn’t see things as red flags. I remember things now and know he is an spath and there were small glimpses of his true self along the way. Lisa feels he is already onto yet another victime after the crazy lady that he used to torture me with. My friend tells me there are many victims before and will be after me, but eventually he will meet someone smarter than him who will take him for everything he has, which looks like not much, but I don’t know now really where all his money went. I have started trying to commit myself to getting more into my horses and getting out and competing. My friends know what’s going on and they are trying to be supportive. I have found out since he didn’t know as much about training horses as I did and what he showed me about roping wasn’t completely all there was. I think now he was jealose of my connection to his horses and my own horses. If he’d let me have his one horse in exchange for the stuff he took from me I would jump at it, but I know the best thing is no contact and let it go. My friend says that while he yells at the horses he does take care of them so I have peace in that.

still reeling

omg-” the sudden soul mates tactic”-I just called this out to Louise last night but in description…one of the few things I thought might have been real about this lowlife….wow.

It’s the major thing that kept me on the string. He got that I hate small talk and inauthentic behavior. I actually told him that but felt comfy enuf to do so, so he must have intuited it anyway from sitting next to me at work, telling me weird stories to see how I reacted, etc.

Bet he patted himself on the back for being so “intuitive.” “Damn, look at me, I got it right again. She’s almost NO fun at all…too easy to figure out.” He once told me in an email, “I have you figured perfectly. You don’t have me figured at all.” Boy he was right about that. I thought all he wanted was a trip to the broom closet. So glad he never got that.

The vulnerability thing…he hooked RIGHT into that…he knew I was older and out of a job for starters, also don’t look my age. He knew exactly how to get to me…used to talk about “vanity.” Used Biblical terms so excessively, and did such anti-Biblical things. What a pig.

Sorry, Cowgirl, I have been posting on this blog for awhile and didn’t even read your post till after I commented. Only had read the article.

Your experience sounds ghastly. You surely did meet a path and I can still hear the shock between the lines of your post. I’m glad you’re rid of him but I know this takes much more than a pound of flesh. I’m convinced some women (and men) don’t suffer as much from experiences with paths and they are lucky but some of us are just wired and nurtured in a way that makes us perfect prey.

Hope things continue to get better. You are doing the right thing by getting busy with your horses as you love them. One day you will see a little glimmer of hope and it will grow into a sense of well-being again. I’m sure between your son, friends, trust in your faith and the horses, you are going to be ok. We are stronger than we think. is the thread I’ve been blogging on…not sure if you’re explored other threads (left side of the page)…I just found LF myself a few months ago. Lots of good people out here.

I’ll post this thread over there.

Big hug and take care for now.


Hi Donna,

In reference to emotional voids: we may not know we have them, or necessarily understand their importance to us (or how we can be manipulated through them), but the spath will. My spath uncovered unfulfilled longings in me, and although i knew of them, i hadn’t realized how deep or important they were. The spath saw them, and although i can’t say if she knew instantly how great a hook they were, she surely figured that out by my responses.

I know a lot of people don’t see themselves as lonely. I also know that many people don’t relate to the line one hears all the time(and are offended by the reductiveness of it) , ‘they prey on those who are lonely’. Talking about vulnerabilities, unmet desires, longings, and needs seems more accessible.

Oy, the things i was willing to give up/ the boundaries i was willing to let others cross – just to have those needs fulfilled! THIS should be a red flag in OUR behaviour.

We are all vulnerable all the time, if we are honest about it. the trick is to know this, live our lives with as much joy and openness as possible, AND submit EVERYONE to the red flag test….more than once, as we sometimes have to wait some time for the mask to slip a bit, so that we can see what we are dealing with.

Ox Drover

Dear MDCowgirl,

Welcome to LoveFraud, but sorry you have had the experience to need it…..

You will find information here and I suggest that you get Donna’s book Red Flags of Love Fraud….it will lanswer your questions.

If you don’t want to buy the book or can’t afford it, 99.9% of the information is here on the blog for free…so READ AND LEARN. Knowledge is what gives us power over “them.”

People who love you do not hurt you.

Yes, there are also red flags in our own behavior, our need to be loved…feeling incomplete without someone else to love us. It leaves us vulnerable to having people use and abuse us and there are plenty of people out there looking for that opportunity with vulnerable people of all sexes, sexual orientations, ages, and situations. Even smart, successful people fall. I did, Donna Andersen did, Dr. Liane Leedom fell for her X’s cdon…and most of us lost a GREAT DEAL financially, mentally, morally, sexually, spiritually…they suck us dry in every aspect of our being.

I hope you will feel welcome here in this great community of people who know what you have gone through because we also have. Again, welcome and God bless.

still reeling

“…..other issues and longings that we’ve hidden from ourselves. They are good at finding all of them.”


My realization today was that they also work diligently at creating them for us. It’s not hard to do, and they are masters at it.

By comparing us to others, they create a sense of shame, of not measuring up. The intent is to seed envy in us, start rivalries among others and generally produce drama.

I watched my spath do this over and over to me and to other people. He had several variations of this trick. Often, he would recruit other people to work with him in his games.

He would start conversations where one person would be scrutinized or compared to another in the group. “Helpful” advice might be offered to the one who didn’t measure up.

Or he would send his minion over to tell me about their new roof or porch, while my own roof and porch rotted away. I was supposed to feel envious – that much was obvious.

The reason it didn’t work was because it was obvious that the minion had come over with the express intention of making me envious. This told me that SHE was envious of ME already. As Rene Girard explains, when the model observes the subject envying her, it serves to confirm that she is enviable and further resolves to block her rival from becoming like her.

But still, it slimes us, and it does create a rivalry and drama.

The point is, they make us feel things we would not have otherwise felt. My spath told me that before he destroys someone, he likes to make them really happy and get them feeling high. That way they have further to fall.

When it comes to spaths, or anytime, we need to watch for the highs as well as the lows that they make us feel.


I think online dating makes it especially easy for people to manipulate others. When asked usually early on by anyone what I was looking for I would say a long term monogamous relationship. It was a way to weed out the just looking to get laid guys and when I was firm on it they gave up quickly. I wish I could post somewhere that would label my ex and mark his email so others would know what he is. My friend Lisa says he plays the feel sorry for me card alot and actually has plenty of money, but doesn’t want anyone to know where or what it’s spent on.

Thanks for the warm welcome. I learned to rope correctly this weekend and am hoping to rodeo some and make a little side money to help me get on my feet further.


skylar: wow…where have I heard all that before?
you could be talking about my situation.

YES!!!! Absolutely yes.
When the current ‘bed fellow’ called a couple weeks ago and left a five minute blah blah session on my answering machine, it made me laugh for two to three days. Just knowing that SPATH was using me to make her jealous…oh yes…they play everyone against each other and I just jumped ship. I don’t play no more. At all. My life and my time is worth way more than that.

You are absolutely right, skylar….absolutely.



MDCowgirl: congrats on learning to rope today! YAHOO!!!
Online dating is like Ox says: “Fishing in a sewer”. That is where I think a good majority of us have met our “ITS”. I know in my case, that is where I met “IT”. And, the 8 some + other minions. Trying to date online is like taking such a major chance with yourself. Truly. You doing rodeo’ing, you should be able to meet a handsome, hunky, cowboy, mam’…the internet dating is a cess pool of psychopaths and people who have a difficult time fitting in somewhere. Stop and think about it. They can be whatever they want, online, and in my experience, it’s a no no.

Spaths are all the same MDCowgirl…all the same…



Well, Dupey, I met mine volunteering and he was doing homeless outreach, so they’re not all online.

Having said this, I have no intention of going online until (if and when) my Cluster B radar (don’t want Ns, Ss, Ps, etc) is so finely honed it’s safe.

As to loneliness and vulnerabilities, I don’t expect mine will ever go away. If this means I don’t have another date, so be it. I simply will NEVER go through that experience again, and I’m still not over that experience.

The last thing my CB (Cluster B) did to me was to tell me I’d called him and asked him to take my handgun from me. Well, considering I was being stalked at the time, why on earth would I EVER do such a thing? The point is it was a lie, a bizarre lie or fabrication and I still wonder why, but whatever. I called him on it and never did hear back.

I’m lucky I only have ONE psychopath stalking me at a time. And this stalker is a bonified psychopath. The good part is that I had no romantic ties. The bad part is he’s a psychopath and just cut a wire in my back yard last night. I was just starting to hope it was over, but nope.


skylaaaaaar, of course. sigh. devious tricksters tearing our guts open and making soft little nests for themselves to shit in and grow, distorting our beings.

i am going to spend some time trying to figure out what she grew in me and what she coaxed out of me. the reality is that i think they really can grow things in us. the depth of their evil is quite honestly, astonishing.


skylar said: ‘By comparing us to others, they create a sense of shame, of not measuring up. The intent is to seed envy in us, start rivalries among others and generally produce drama.’



kathy0707: thanks for your post. Yah, they are everywhere but I found they are especially prevalent online. Right, I will NEVER go online for another date, ever again, as long as I live. I don’t feel EVER safe. Not ever again.

I don’t think mine is ever going to go away either, kathy…it sure doesn’t seem that way at least. I think “I” am the one who has to go and just disappear before he finally murders me. I don’t think I will ever be over this experience. I put this “THING” off for years and then suddenly, he wormed his way into my life and we were romantically involved for a brief time, until I found out he was married and lying to me for four of the ten years I knew him. After that, the webs just started unwinding more and more and more until I found out things that would make your hair stand on end, literally.

I want no one like that around me. I would be always sleeping with one eye open. I would rather be alone than to sell myself out that short.

Yes, I understand what you are going through. My “IT” has been diagnosed three times as a psychopath and judging by the way he is – he is so violent, I absolutely do believe it. Just ugly violent. He manipulates with charm until he doesn’t get what he wants and then throws fits and starts beating and threatening.

I have lots of protection around me; however, if he wanted to, I am sure he could get through. It is always a constant looking over my shoulder and jumping at the phone when it rings or someone knocks on the door.

I haven’t said a peep to him in over a month now although the stalking continues. I do think the only ‘revenge’ we have is NO RESPONSE. They love attention, whether it’s good or bad. If you just refuse to play the game with them anymore, they move onto their next victim. That’s how they live: victimizing others.

They are always saying things to try tripping us up and making us feel like we are the insane ones and it isn’t us. They lie about everything and anything and are not to be trusted; not ever. Every thing they say and do is a lie. They are plastic and not sincere in anything. They only look out for themselves and don’t like losing. They don’t like being told no.

I hope you report your cut wire to the police department and that you start keeping a log of all of these ‘mysterious happenings’. It will come in handy later on, if you need it. I would definitely make the local authorities aware of it and your situation. Better to be safe than sorry; trust me, I KNOW.

I am just trashed, inside and out, psychologically and physically, kathy. I have just so had it with everything anymore. The only place I find that I get ANY understanding for any of this, is right here, on Love Fraud. As hard as my therapists try to understand, they just don’t really ‘get it’, I don’t think. They all just want me to shut up and go sit down somewhere and take these pills so they don’t have to be bothered, I think. In the meantime, I am struggling and fighting for my life over here.

I just feel so all alone anymore with all of this.
Too much, sometimes, to come out of.

Take care of yourself and stay safe kathy0707…
If you ever fear for your safety, go to the authorities. Psychopaths are not to be trusted. I KNOW.

Blessings of peace and safety, kathy…




I can relate and maybe the thing to do is to leave and disappear. I went so far as to consult a PI but he told me he’d find me no matter what I did (the PI). So…I cooled to that idea.

In your case though maybe it would help. I am not really afraid for myself, mostly for my animals. I have every tool I need (and a talent for aiming well) to feel like I can take care of myself should anyone break in here. I have the alarm system, the dogs, etc. Of course, shooting at the range (and with professional instructors) is different than at 3 a.m. IRL alone. Thing is, NO ONE ever wants to have to use force, but I’ve accepted that if my life is on the line I will. I’ll also be dialing 911 or pressing my two panic buttons at the same time (which automatically sends the police). Even in self defense, even in your own home, you’re still charged. The idea is to let the stalkers know (and I have) that I am well equipped to defend myself so they never want to go there. I want no problems.

What is up with these types? Why can’t they just leave us alone and let us live our lives in peace?

As to the authorities, been there, done that. I’ll take a pic and document but I’m so tired of the stalking (and have so many pics and flash drives via my former CCTV system) that I’m just spent. I want a normal life. I am going to do what I can to protect my animals and not live in fear. I won’t give into the stalkers. They WANT me to change the wire, so I won’t. They WANT me to know they’ve been here, so I ignore it. Maybe in two years it will be over and I’ll be able to plant a tree without them killing it. Until then, I’ll just deal with no trees.

Dupey, I’d encourage you to find a GOOD therapist, one who is empathetic and will really listen. I have such a therapist and she gets all of it. She’s been a blessing and they are out there. Without her, I think I would have gone over the edge. You hang in there too and know that there are still good people (many on here) who do get things and want to help.




kathy0707: i am starting to seriously considering just disappearing. i have places to go. but, you are right, they will find you where ever you go if they are that obsessed. This has been going on for ten years, why would it stop now? “I” am the one true love of his life…please……

i am not afraid to die but i am not letting him have it on a silver platter, either. know what i mean? i have a local authority response time to my place of one minute. and when they come to my apartment for any reason, they come by UNIT. they are aware of him and he is not welcome here. escorted out of town a couple times already.

yah, i am so disappointed in the assistance i have been finding. i feel so all alone anymore. i truly have nobody or nothing left. and all i really have to look forward to is my next heart attack, if things keep going like they are for me. and i know “IT” has caused this huge chain reaction in my life. like a 40 bazillion car pile up on the 101 going into Los Angeles….

Thank you for your encouragement and support, kathy…you have mine too. I guess things are what they are and will be what they will be. Just wish I didn’t have to go out, like this.



I think sometimes you’re better off stayinig where you know your surroundings, have ties to the area and people who know you and know what the deal is to back you up. I know enough good ole boys that if needed they’d have words with my ex if needed.


Dupey, I’ve posted stats before (not sure if I have here), but you are unfortunately in that one percent. Stalking was broken down by percentage and those over five years and over more were rated by one percentage point (as in five to ten, ten to 20, 20 to 30 and 30 plus years or something like that. Anyway, you are in that unlucky one percent. I can’t recall the cutoff, but I do believe that once you hit five years you are in that one percent.

The good news is, that there is a chance that if you disappear he just might stop. It all depends and that is a very serious situation to weigh. Since you have a unit responding in one minute, I’d be careful to give that up. Law Enforcement (LE) doesn’t take stalking all that seriously, even though we now have Jan as Nat’l Stalking Awareness month. They are uneducated plus all laws differ in the 50 states so it gets tricky.

I hope you live in a state where you can own a gun (I never owned one in my life before and didn’t want one) and even if you don’t like them, they bring peace of mind. They do give you an added level of confidence. OH, and I almost forgot to add, get professional training. Know what you’re doing. Know the laws. If you don’t have one or don’t want one, at least have some wasp spray on hand at all times (will shoot 20 feet and disarm an attacker). There are baseballs bats, tazers, etc you can get. I think the idea is to have a plan as even one minute can make a difference.

Here is a tip I’ve learned about therapists. I call four or five and ask them for a few minutes of their time to screen them over the phone. If they won’t give me this, forget them. Then I bring up my most important issue and ask them what their philosophy is on it. If I like what I hear, I’ll schedule an appointment. No sense in making an appt if you can rule someone out (or in) in three minutes.

I’d suggest (if you can afford it, it would be money well spent) to go to a PI and ask him or her how to disappear. First read the book on it (called “How to Disappear”) and see if you could handle the required life style changes. All that has to change is everything.

I wish for you the best and I hope someday these sickos are locked up behind bars where they belong. In the meantime, take care of yourself and have a plan. Hugs.



kathy0707: thanks for your post. I am in the one percent; hm? Like I was when I had my first heart surgery: I was that one in 100,000 allergic to integrelin and I almost bled to death on the operating table. That’s just my luck. Tell me more about that one percent, kathy0707…I am all ears and eyes.

If I disappear, “he just might stop”; hm? Right, I have such amazing back up here and “IT” knows it. I am really kind of hard pressed to relinquish that empowerment. “IT” does NOT want to be confronted like that again, but who is to say he wouldn’t attempt it? It’s very difficult getting in and out of my neighborhood without being noticed. TRULY. I do volunteer work for the police department and they happen to know my situation (have heard the death threats on the phone) and have acquainted themselves with him on a personal, up close, couple occasions already.

They take this kind of stalking VERY SERIOUSLY here, where I live. In fact, some of the threats he has made are ‘terroristic’ in nature. I could own a PFA and perhaps I do. What I like most of all is that there is a baseball bat that sits by my door and it would take nothing to defend myself with that…straight up between the legs without any warning or notification but I choose to not even answer the door and just call the law instead. Although I would get tremendous pleasure out of breaking his tool, I don’t think that would deter him and I would end up getting myself hurt. Can’t ‘dance’ like I used to, not anymore.

I do have pepper spray and I never go anywhere without my cellphone. I never go anywhere after dark and I don’t park next to vans in parking lots. I watch everyone and everything around me, all the time. As long as I stay within the city limits, I am relatively safe but still have a HUGE problem going outside for any reason. I am not terrified of him but I don’t believe I should serve my life up on a silver platter either. We were talking about paranoia, on another thread and why p-paths have such paranoia like they do…I think it’s from the ugly things they do to people. They don’t see it as their conscious trying to speak to them and they turn it into paranoia instead. Back to that self centered agenda.

Thanks for the reference: “How to Disappear”…I will check it out. I am sure I wouldn’t have any trouble at all disappearing but I find it so unjust that “I” have to do all this changing for some sicko that doesn’t have any common sense at all. I am not a well person and I don’t know how long I have.

He definitely needs to be behind bars and he is only LUCKY he isn’t there already for all the stuff he has done to me and to others that I know of. I am not the only ‘survivor’, I do know that. He thinks he is a real Casanova, ‘big hero man’, omnipotent and hates women. According to him, they are only for one thing. Everyone is meant to be used.

Oh yes, I always have a plan, kathy…thanks for reminding me. You can never hear that too much when you deal with a psychopath; trust me. Always a plan.

Hugs back; thanks for walking some of this journey with me.
I am very grateful for your understanding and for having you to ‘connect’ with. It’s comforting.



National Stalking Resource Center link:


You know, it’s interesting because I dated a sociopath … actually, I think I’ve dated more than one because my parents were sociopaths. Although I do have questions about the difference between a narcissist and a sociopath. Basically both view relationships as transactions where they are always trying to get something from the other person and will use any type of underhanded means to get it. But the other burning question is why my ex-boyfriends who are sociopaths continue to contact me even after the relationship ended years and years ago. I maintain no contact and keep it firm, but even blocking their email addresses doesn’t solve the problem because they just use other email addresses to get to you. Plus, the last one has been particularly sticky and even a year and half after breaking up, he is obsessed with knowing where I am (I have since moved to a few other countries for my work) and what I’m doing. I didn’t keep in touch with our mutual friends who, in the end, turned out to be his friends and to be just as opportunistic as him. Finally, I wonder about the statistics on sociopaths. As an American woman living in Latin American countries, I have run into quite a few people who are looking only to get something from me and usually it’s the people who are in the middle and upper classes, not the poorest of the poor. There’s some sort of sense of entitlement, especially regarding those who are visibly not Latino. Any information on that as well?


luzblanca82: I think our world is becoming more full of psychopaths/sociopaths/narcissists because the tide of morality has changed so much. People aren’t as ‘compassionate’ as we once were and it’s very sad.

All three are bad news. They all basically are the same, just some uglier than others. They don’t like ‘letting go’. I have had a psychopath ex lover stalking me for ten years now and it’s gotten really very old. Yet, with the threats, it’s kind of hard just walking by it all without notice.

The way it always is: not the poorest of the poor but those who don’t need it at all – the sharks of our world. I have no use for uncaring non compassionate people as I see them as a spawn of the devil.

“entitlement”….that’s the underlying purpose and attitude of these horrid people. They always feel entitled and I know one in particular that doesn’t stop no matter what until “IT” gets what it wants.

Read here, more, at the site…there is much to learn. Many read flags to see…be safe and take care. I wish you happiness and joy in your world. Travel safe.



Dupey, I take it PFA is personal firearm? I think if my stalkers know I’m armed, I’m less likely to get “broken into” to get hurt.

I’ve gotten by decades just trusting my gut as to “who to know” and “who not to know.” Guess what? You have no control over who moves in your neighborhood, what coworkers you have, etc.

Anyway, sounds like you have a great situation (sorry, relatively speaking compared to the police not believing me at all and my being forced to move) going on and I would not give that up. I just would not.

Well, I took my pics, date stamped and all. Now I just kick back and wait I guess. Best wishes to both of us. I am happy you feel you can talk to me because, believe me, I understand!



You raise the issue of “entitlement.” I agree that is a real underpinning cause for this sociopathy. What do you think causes this? Nature vs. nurture? I guess I can read up on it, but just wondering what you think.



It’s genetic. Just as “temperament” is.
They proved that they have more “white matter” in the brain than normal people.

My xhusb and his father are carbon copies.

Hi Everyone…just checking in….going to sleep now….TTY another time.


kathy: yes , PFA=personal firearm. But, I do prefer my club. Oh yes, my stalker knows I am armed. That won’t matter.

That sucks the police wouldn’t believe you and you had to move. I am really grateful that I have such amazing back up here. Truly. Pisses spath off so much he is thinking about suing them. hahahaha

You would THINK that would be enough to keep him away but I am not so sure. I think that’s why the stalking continues from far away. HE IS TOO CHICKEN TO BRING IT OVER ANYMORE. The last time he did, he didn’t like the reception he got. Almost didn’t get to leave town.

Yes, they feel they are entitled to whatever they can scam from whomever. Their thinking is: if a person is stupid enough to give up whatever they are giving up to them, they deserve to have it. That is just their reasoning and I have heard “IT” say so before. That we all deserve whatever we get. If it was so bad, we would just get away from them.

Oh yes, entitlement is a huge issue for psychopaths.
I think it’s genetic and I think the rest of it comes from acquired traumas in their lives. That is what I think. GENETICS. Their ‘white matter’ and chemical make up is different than as in normal people, just like tobehappy says. It’s true.

I would suggest you watch this movie: FishHead the Movie. You can find it by googling it. It explains sociopathy to a perfection and one you really must see. It gives you a whole different perspective on this enigma.

Best wishes to you kathy0707, I will remember you in my prayers. You be careful and safe there; hear me? Thanks for being here to chat with me today and this evening. It helps me feel not so all alone. xxoo


still reeling

one joy, you said, well, a lot:

“devious tricksters tearing our guts open and making soft little nests for themselves to shit in and grow, distorting our beings.
….. the reality is that i think they really can grow things in us. the depth of their evil is quite honestly, astonishing.”

My experience was so tiny compared with most peoples’ on LF. Dupey, glad you sound better…hope you can find some peace, my friend. Same for everyone else who has to spend any time at all on these empty, evil beings.

The path in my life was very subtle in the way he handled me. He had so many problems by the time he finally hit on me, both with the job (“big” boss’blech), at home (hub and father of young child), *and* his women friends, he was unable to pay me much attention. He often told me he was in a fog. However, because they know their victims, he was able to push all the right buttons. Subtle, smooth. I used to tell him that and he’d just look at me with that slight smile. I was used to getting nothing stable from anyone, as he knew, so he gave very little and I enhanced it to fit what I wanted.

If I could just go back and change EVERYTHING I said to him once he snagged my heart. EVERYTHING!!! I can now think of so many responses that would have shown self-respect, but as you say, I believe he shot me thru the heart, brain and gut with something that just made me passive and stupid and accepting of all his shit.

I recall sending him a note once that said “You’ve made me feel so awesome.” Well he had but none of it made any sense. As was said earlier and very revelatory for me, they intuit what is most meaningful to you and dive right in. It only takes a few words. I’m guessing he knew this and how hungry I was for connection, so vulnerable after two lousy jobs and other things he prob heard while sitting next to me for a couple of months.

Anyway, I’m sick of it all and don’t really care if their sense of gross entitlement is nature or nurture or both. I’ve dated pigs like this before, it’s just that I’m older now and have been married so long, it all took me by surprise and I was ripe for the picking. Just glad we never did anything physical. And so glad I did not take him up on his invitation to “visit” him when he found out my husband was out of town. Boy I got an email in the snap of a finger, “Come visit me.” I am convinced I may have been raped, killed or treated like dirt. He prob would have gotten a “call” after he could see he wasn’t getting any (no way-I wasn’t ready for that for about 100 reasons) and his wife of someone was on her way unexpectedly so I’d have to leave. Who knows. In a way, I wish I would have gone – I’ll always be curious, but I am hoping that fades away too. Even if it had been fun, that would just make things worse now. Maybe I would have found things out that would have made me hate him…well, maybe, maybe, maybe…I will never know.

Realization when I woke up today:
I do know that he wants no part of me. I do also know that he was attracted to me enough to get himself in deeper shit at work and possibly at home. I know that he is sick as he was deathly afraid he’d get fired, but still couldnt’ control his impulses to screw up his own life. In a sense, even tho he hurt innocent people, including his own kid, I don’t think we can possibly understand what the f is going on in a path’s head. I do not forgive him but I know that I have to let him go and let him fade as I have others in the past.

I have dated some vile lads in my time, one in fact that sticks out the most had the same name as Godzilla. He was in school, to become an LCSW, no surprise there, earning credits
by interning at a place where I was volunteering. He hit on me and boy, it was like a brick thru the heart. I was warned in advance but let it happen anyway. After we had sex, he started treated me strangely, calling and being jealous because I had gone to work out, then disappearing for days at a time. Once, we were planning to go to an amazing fundraiser and he took me out the night before. We were supposed to stay together (I was in my late 20’s – long, long time age but the experience is as sharp as if it were yesterday) that night but instead, he asked me to make him something to eat, which I did, and he inhaled it, then said, “I’m going home, I need my rest, oh and I’m not picking you up in the AM. I’ll just see you there.”

I begged him to say (how embarrassing), cried all night, then went to the f.raiser the next day. He completely ignored me.
When I was doing my volunteer shift a week or so later, the girl working with me told me he was a huge shitheel and that he tried to date and f all the women there that he was attracted to. That very evening, he showed up, knelt down and asked me to please let him explain, apologized. I whispered in his ear that if he wanted to keep his balls, he had better get up, walk away and NEVER approach me again.
I had not one single feeling for him after I realized what a pig he was.

BTW, I did not know he was a path nor did I think about his being sick…just a huge asshole loser. As I look back, it’s obvious….he had all the signs of a socio. I *never* had sex with anyone on the first, 2nd, 3rd or any other particular date in a budding relationship. It happened when I was ready and felt I could trust the others person. This guy had me in bed in 15 min. But I got over him so easily…..not so with Godzilla.
Perhaps I should have gone to visit him. I may have seen a side that completely turned me off. Also he was very diff from the other Godzilla of my 20’s and well, I was diff too.

All this to say, I am ready to get there….I want Godzilla II to fade out of existence for me. I don’t care what or who he is. It doesn’t help in my situation. I want my life and mind back.
Whatever it takes, I felt it this morining. He cared, he tried, he didn’t conquer, but he did hurt me. I need to let it go.



still reeling – there must be theme music in the air this week…i have been looking into the past at the people and situations that left me feeling ashamed and used.

I hear that tiny voice of curiosity in your writing. the one that wants to know what if. i’d have a reasonable talk with it about ‘what if’, and include all the extra suffering you would have endured, and the possibility that you may not have escaped.
those tiny voices are our attachment – regardless if they serve to show us as a hero (trying to re-empower ourselves (good line about the balls wit godzilla I , btw!) or if they wonder how if the other would be different if ‘we just…’

And if it doesn’t listen to reason, club it into submission. 🙂 But really, i find i have to sometimes just turn that voice off if it isn’t making sense.

all the best,
one joy


still reeling: thank you for your post. Wow, you really hit the nail on the head when you said:

“….Anyway, I’m sick of it all and don’t really care if their sense of gross entitlement is nature or nurture or both.
I’ve dated pigs like this before…”
PIG being the operative and important word…
You then finished with:

“I want Godzilla II to fade out of existence for me. I don’t care what or who he is. It doesn’t help in my situation. I want my life and mind back. Whatever it takes, I felt it this morning. He cared, he tried, he didn’t conquer, but he did hurt me. I need to let it go. ”
I have been truly feeling like THAT for the past 3 years and it has just been a lingering cyst in my life. I have actually had people tell me that I should ‘have him off’d’. That’s not the way I fly. But I can relate to your final intense disdain for “IT” the same way I do mine.

Like I told “IT” at ‘good bye’: “I could take you to court and sue the ass right off of you for the criminal things you have done to me, you know that, right? But you know what? I don’t have time to waste anymore of my life on you. You just aren’t worth it. I wash my hands of you. You leave me alone and don’t ever come back now. IF you DO come back, we will deal with you. I am finished with your ugliness and your disrespect. Finished with all your lies and deceptions. You will always be alone in the end because you are an ugly person who only cares about himself. You are not worth my time nor attentions. You leave me alone and I leave you alone; got it?” Even a stupid p-path would take that offer, especially knowing all the stuff they did to you. It wasn’t a forgiveness but it WAS a ‘letting go’; an ‘absolution’ more for myself than for “IT”. As I told it: “…there will be no forgiveness because some things in this life, there is no forgiveness for, but this is a new beginning. hope you truly make yours work for you. Blame someone else now. Torture someone else because I am finished with you.”

And, I meant it and still do. The RESULTING psychological effects from all of this ‘roadshow’ has severely damaged me to the point that I have been almost non functional for the past 3-4 years. I have been in non stop counseling right along with trying to recover from my heart attack that almost killed me. “IT” took full advantage of my heart attack to try pushing me into another and final one. “Murder by proxy”. I can plainly see that. When one thing wouldn’t work for him, because I was too strong, he tried something else but that psychological toying and manipulating and psychologically being cruel was always an ingrained part of him. Always. Just like his propensity for violent behavior. He has never been with any woman that he has not beaten. Period. And, from researching him, it’s true. I have heard many stories from different people; ‘survivors’. He is that way to everyone in his life until they get tired of it and throw him out.

These people have no conscious or sense of grace about them at all. It’s all about what THEY WANT and they could care less about anyone else. I know that is so now. I accepted, quite recently, that this was no ‘acquaintance’; no ‘friend’; no ‘lover’; this was just exactly what IT IS: a psychopathic stalker. I accept it and see it now. I called “IT” out and told it I knew and that if it didn’t stop we would make charges stick and I mean every word. More than dying, they fear jail and being confined where they can’t run their games on others. He already has charges on him elsewhere and it’s only a matter of time before he does time in jail.

I think they will eventually fade as long you don’t give them any further attention. Their whole thing is the attention. However, “I” don’t give MY IT any attention and yet, it continues to stalk me. What’s with that? I think “IT” thinks that I am going to just keep coming back for more and that just isn’t the case anymore.

You cannot help anyone that doesn’t want to help themselves. This ‘being’ has no interest in being anything other than what “IT” is. It is never going to change. They are bottom dwellers, like in the ocean: they move along and suck everything in off the bottom and what they can’t digest, they expel back out into the water and continue on. I know you know the kind of fish I am talking about…they live on the bottom of the ocean floor and suck everything in just like a vacuum cleaner. What they can eat, they digest and what they can’t, they expel. Just like a psychopath and even a sociopath.

I realized just about two years ago now,completely, that if I didn’t remove myself from this ‘roadshow’, “I” was going to end up dead. Seriously. It’s not easy being smooth talked by one of the best there is ….. what a dreadful man. “PIG” doesn’t fit everything it is.

You got the right thought pattern going on, still reeling:

Thanks for sharing…I can see they are all the same.
Strange that so many ‘things’ can be genetically altered the way they have; isn’t it? Just mind boggling…actually.

Thank you for your wishes steel reeling…I am trying to find better for myself but my medical condition and psychological state just isn’t letting it come real easy anymore. xxoo



One Joy

The other day I posed a question on this site. Louise came on and said she wondered the same thing.

My question was this. I have broken up with men in the past. And while painful, NOTHING compares to the pain associated with THIS relationship. WHY is this the case?

But in your post, I think I found the answer. I am in pain because of my SENSE OF SHAME and because I was USED.
I can’t undo the things I did, and I am shamed of them. My spath drew me to the dark side. I am ashamed. And, this guy used me over and over again, and I took it, blindly and willingly. And I keep having cog/dis where I’m tempted to call him and say, “really? you don’t miss me? You don’t love me? What is wrong with you?” Bleh!!!

I am sure somebody can tease apart these concepts better than I can. I am really not sure I understand it.



callmeathena: because they preyed upon our sense of all that is worthy: your conscious, your kindness, your caring…that’s why. They threw a wrench into your thinking. While you were giving and giving and giving, they were merely taking and taking and taking and you were trapped into thinking you were doing the loving, rightful, thing. You know: “Hang in there; forget, forgive…” Only with them, they use our conscience and our sense of right against us. That’s where the cog/dis comes from. They make us wonder and doubt ourselves and that isn’t so. It is THEM doing the using. It was THEM disrespecting and disregarding and they made us think that our best just wasn’t good enough. When, in reality, THEIR BEST ISNT. We are not required to have any loyalty or ‘staying power’ with someone who is cruel to us. That is not expected of us, I don’t believe. If that was the case, none of us would be here because we would all be used up and empty shells. Instead, here we are, fighting to get ourselves back. We know who we are. They don’t know who they are and never will. I will never feel ashamed for loving and caring about someone, whether they used me and/or manipulated me or not. I know what my intentions were and that is all that matters and if someone can be like that to you, you certainly don’t need them in your life. Disposable. Period.

It hurts more than all the other break ups because they tied a bond of some sort around our emotions and our beliefs. They used them to their advantage and left us questioning ourselves.

Shame has nothing to do with it. I am not ashamed of being scammed. “IT” is the one who has all the shame in this. Not us. We have been the sincere people and they are the ones who were deceiving. The shame only rests upon THEM.

This is at least what I have found in my experience. I am not ashamed for giving someone all I had within me, and they chose to use it and abuse it. I will certainly know better next time for sure. We have to find a way to ‘temper’ our kindness and not think that ‘over the top’ loyalty is the way to go. Everyone does things, anyways, that isn’t always acceptable, but spaths do it more and without conscience nor regard.



call me athena – one of the things skylar said really got me thinking – that if they can’t find our vulnerabilities, that they create them. this really struck a deep chord with me. It this is true, then it speaks to our entrapment and their utter evilness.

it is terrifically hard to ‘get’ that something that walks upright on two legs like the rest of humanity can be so absolutely twisted and unlike us.

i am getting lots of pain coming up around shame in this past while. i hope that i am getting closer to some answers for myself about the wrenching perversion she made of my personality and traits.

i too, have never experienced anything like it. that anyone would do the things the spath does is hard to get straight with. for people who have been taught and have learned that certain things are ‘their own fault’ a spath shines a large spot light on our inability to separate where we end and others start. i was taught to take responsibility. period. on a deep core level, i believe i am at fault. spaths play that like a toy tied to a stick – all to their amusement and fulfillment of the ‘game.’ I can feel that string in my chest – all shame and wanting to please, and wanting to be rescued. in some cultures, that feeling could be associated with waiting for fulfillment – that feeling we have we we first meet someone and want them so much. Desire and attachment get our butts in so much trouble. Spaths play those of us who have bundled pleasing people with love, desire, responsibility and shame. and self esteem. It’s the whole enchilada. No wonder she snared me.

it looks like the latest round at the supreme court hasn’t been won by the woman who is sueing the spath. i read the opinion and besides some procedural issues, the spath walks mostly because it was a ‘personal’ relationship. we don’t have the same rights against fraud in our private lives as we do in our business lives. the law has some catching up to do. i am hopeful that the other dupe will continue to fight on agianst the spath.

if nothing else, I am a decade younger and in better health that the spath – so i will most likely outlive her. that may be all i ‘get’, and i’ll take it. i will not dance on her grave. but i will piss on it.


Dupey, yes, they left us questioning ourselves.

One/Joy can you provide a link to the supreme court story you’re talking about? I am curious.

Yes, I too was taught that my mother’s anger was my fault.
I believed it. Quietly hid in the basement. Tried to be perfect.
Man, that is such a terrible thing to do to a child. Now I am married to a passive husband, and I keep thinking it’s my job to fix him and to tell him what to do. “Now do this” “Now do that”. I need to step back and just watch to see what happens when I dont’ provide minute by minute instruction.



callmeathena: we should not question ourselves. we know who we are and what we are made of and we know who they are and what they are made of; hm?

that questioning of ourselves is everything they hoped for. like their ultimate dream…making us doubt ourselves. take that empowerment away from them.

Boundary # 1.



Being with someone is a perfectly natural human condition.

It is human nature to want a caring, loving partner to enjoy life, but as we all know – those ‘perfect’ partners are tough to find!!

I have found it really depends on where we are in our lives, and where they are in their own lives.

“Timing is everything”

At 50 or 60 most people are still young and healthy enough to want a ‘second’ life but may not necessarily be ready for it!

Either the man or the woman.

My students and I researched and interviewed about 30 people in their 50’s and 60’s who were actively dating – that is looking for a partner.

All the interviewee’s lived in Los Angeles, California, primarily on the Westside.

25 were white

2 African American

3 Latin American

Our questions and questionnaire were about wants and needs.

Emotional, physical, environmental (as in where t live), common interests, and financial.

We found overwhelmingly that women were looking for ‘stability’ – financial being the most important and many were searching for a partner that would introduce them into a new social circle or interest (such as tennis or golf) or travel (ranked high on ‘wants’ as ‘escapism’).

During the first stages of meeting and dating someone, both agreed they were on their ‘best behavior’ – and physical intimacy escalated relatively quickly.

However women gave a greater ‘weighting’ to a ‘professional’ than a blue collar worker, and were quickly ‘evaluating’ their dates financial well-being as to the clothes he wore ‘nicely dressed’ the car he drove, and most importantly the profession he was in, and last the house or apartment he lived in, and where it was located.

They looked for ‘power’ in a man – not as in a dictator – but ‘power’ in himself – as in ‘sure of himself’.

Men on the other hand did not care about the woman’s work or profession, unless it was a profession that overshadowed themselves either by the professional ‘power’ or income level.

Men looked for attractiveness, emotionally security, and physical intimacy, and then common interests.

Although the sampling was low – 30 people (we did not have the resources to conduct a broader base interviews) – there were clear ‘dove tails’ of comparability.

What we discussed in an open forum after the questionnaire, was what are the barriers to meeting the right person – which took on a life of it’s own – as everyone had a story, everyone wanted to speak.

What was most interesting (we taped the forum and interviews) was that there was a common thread to the stories.

Reading the above article of Adriana, it seemed to me that this experience – both her’s and her date’s experiences with each other (they could be quite different if we interviewed the man) – are very common in ‘speed dating relationship’s’.

Adriana’s comments ” I don’t find most men attractive don’t have chemistry with them and I don’t want to settle” are very revealing.

What is she looking for – exactly – does that fictional man exist? Is her expectations set too high?

Are they a fantasy?

Then she comments ” I am so tired of dating and getting my hopes up each time I meet someone I really am attracted to”

So a contradiction from her first statement that she isn’t attracted to any man she has met?

I am in no way criticizing Adriana, I am pointing out that so many people start dating – at a mature age – that they may not really know what they want, with physical and emotional ‘wants’ being compromised with other ‘needs’ or visa versa.

I think Adriana experience may be more typical than not.

EHarmony – a well known dating site started by a psychologist – has stated that they have an algorithm to ‘comparability’?

Although we have not studied the ‘comparability’ program at E Harmony – we did conclude that a type of self questionnaire, with a ‘self analysis’ – similar to a’ step’ program’s ‘inventory’ – could be helpful for anyone who is re-entering the dating scene – as from my own experiences – it can be extremely daunting!

I wish Adriana well in finding the right person, but the most important person she has in her life – is herself, and as Eckhart Tolle say’s – the quest to find someone to ‘complete’ oneself is an ilusionary quest if we are not ‘whole’ spiritually, with ourselves.

Labeling someone a ‘sociopath’ because a short lived date did not live up to expectations and there is an element of resentment at herself perhaps for ‘being a fool’ to get involved so quickly – – is not dealing with the core issue – which is herself.

I truly wish her all the best in her search for that perfect person.


Brotmannurse, you said

“Labeling someone a ’sociopath’ because a short lived date did not live up to expectations and there is an element of resentment at herself perhaps for ’being a fool’ to get involved so quickly ”“ ”“ is not dealing with the core issue ”“ which is herself.”

Actually, if I had known what a sociopath is and knew the necessary red flags, I would have known in LESS than 2 weeks that my ex was a spath.

You don’t need years and years of being with someone to be able to see all the signs of a sociopath. An hour, a day, a week and certainly two weeks are enough, once you know what to look for. The sole difference between 2 weeks of being the target of a spath and 2 years is that 2 weeks are enough to label someone as a suspected spath and at least bad enough news to stay away from – 2 years just make you sure they’re a spath.

As for “feeling foolish” that is exactly how being conned by a spath makes a trusting, open person feel!

still reeling

You guys are just truly awesome. So much really going on in these bright minds, I can smell smoke as soon as I logon!

darwinsmom, boy do I hear what you’re saying. Had I known about paths (and I thought I was well-versed on most things psychological (being quite the head case myself)), I would have RUN, not walked from Godzilla at the first whiff (the first time I met him for an interview actually!!!) and probably not gone back. If I had, I would have been very businesslike and professional at all times. He would not have bothered me.
I SO wish, I mean SO SO wish I had known.

one joy- I know, I know, you are very astute. I just finished working out and realized for the first time in a long time I wasn’t fantacizing that Godz could see me…wasn’t doing my best for him…now that is a very difficult thing for me to admit. It’s so sad and so immature and kind of really sick. But it’s true. I do it a lot. For awhile, I almost felt like he was with me (that soulmate crap I guess or those poison eggs festering in my brain! Pure disgust).

But yes, there is still that curiosity, that painful little niggly feeling at times, that “what if?” If I’d said this or had that convo w/him, had been smarter, more sophisticated…more like the woman from Up in the Air that blind-sided Clooney, more, well, grown-up, things might have gone differently. Any way you cut it, he makes me feel, not awesome, but like crap.

I don’t understand how someone who was chided by management for his inability to shit or get off the pot when it came to decision-making had it in him to play such a devious game with me and other women. He just didn’t seem the type. Oh well…I can’t figure it out and I’m sick as shit of him.

Dupey, thanks for your post. I’m glad you could relate to some of my thoughts. We are all siblings here and I’m so infuriated that you and others have suffered for these vile creatures. A bad date is one thing, even an experience like mine, it sux but doesn’t compare to the yrs of extreme pain and loss of health. My heart is truly full for you and others who are holding it together. Stay strong, Dupey, you are going to be OK! Promise.

Love you all. Hang tough..there IS no other choice. None.

you are right, that we do have to work on our core issues too. The first core issue is being able to recognize a spath within the first few minutes, rather than 2 weeks or 20 years.

If I had known what I know now, it would have been only days before I noticed the inappropriate boundary crossing.

Once we can see the outward signs, we KNOW that the core is beyond rotten, it’s filled with maggots. They are running on pure envy and it SHOWS. We just have to know what it looks like: it looks like lies, pity ploys, narcissism, and basically, it looks like envy toward everyone they encounter. They are constantly comparing. Comparing us to others and others to themselves.


One thing I absolutely agree with…timing is everything.


Hi Dupey,

Thanks for the support and the information. I’m enjoying reading through the site, although I have to say I was both relieved to find it and saddened that there is such a need to have a site like this and be informed on this problem. Still, better to be armed with information and solid boundaries than to be prey to a sociopath/narcissist/psychopath again. I’m super careful these days and evaluate everyone based on their actions and what their true intentions are.

Luz Blanca


Hi luzblanca82: Welcome to our ‘family’ of ‘survivors’. Sorry you have to join us under these conditions and situation but I am so glad you found your way here. Pull up your socks and hang on because you are in for an explanation of your life!!!

All the things we thought we knew, we have found out we really haven’t known, all along. I would strong suggest watching this movie: It’s about two hours long and can be watched on your computer, depending upon your internet connection speed. It very precisely explains and defines psychopathy and reasons it exists and explanations as to why.

When you get to the page, on the left, click on “Where to See” and follow the instructions and you will have it in no time at all.

Yes, it’s a mixed emotion: sad we have to be here but aren’t we grateful to Donna Andersen for coming forward and sharing her story with us, bravely and courageously? There isn’t another place I know of that describes what we have experienced and what the rest of society chooses to ignore. There is no other place to find the encouragement and support we so long for. You come here anytime and someone will always be around to respond to you……..It some how rattles the cages of folks who haven’t experienced this in their lives, to even acknowledge this kind of evil exists, I think. From professionals all the way down. It makes them as vulnerable as we have found ourselves.

WELCOME! Stay with us, read and indulge in the truths you will find here. Apply them to your life and you will find a new person and a new life. Yes, we are all super careful now. If only we had known then, what we know now. Right?

Blessings of peace and resolution to you, luzblanca,



one of my new skills is recognizing a spath by the third paragraph.


and one of my new hobbies is googling screen names.

yes, you were right… I had to stick a needle in my eye to burn out the images. 😯

The reason I give some people the benefit of the doubt is because I’ve encountered christians who seriously think I’m being “judgemental” in my assessment of my spath.

How could they (or anyone) imagine that the word “psychopath” is an understatement, when applied to my ex-spath?

The first priest that I went to, said, “Don’t call anyone evil, we are all children of God.”

By the time I got to the second priest, I knew more and I elaborated a tiny bit more. He ran out of the room shouting, “I’m just a poor parish priest!”

The world isn’t ready to know what they don’t want to know.



there is a popular late night talk show here that has a lyric that is something like, ‘good in everyone.’ I try to block it out, ’cause it ain’t true, amiga.

interesting paradigm: all children of god vs. scared child of god in denial.

guess Jack was right. 😉


off to bed…good dreams and safe awakenings to everyone.


skylar says:

yes, you were right” I had to stick a needle in my eye to burn out the images. 😯

The reason I give some people the benefit of the doubt is because I’ve encountered christians who seriously think I’m being “judgemental” in my assessment of my spath.

How could they (or anyone) imagine that the word “psychopath” is an understatement, when applied to my ex-spath?

The first priest that I went to, said, “Don’t call anyone evil, we are all children of God.”

By the time I got to the second priest, I knew more and I elaborated a tiny bit more. He ran out of the room shouting, “I’m just a poor parish priest!”

The world isn’t ready to know what they don’t want to know.


I completely agree with you. Calling my “IT” a psychopath is definitely an understatement of the century, if not all time.

As for people not relating: our ‘stories’ upset their nice, safe, little, organized, worlds. We bring visions of things they don’t want to know or hear. Tales of the evil that walks amongst us all. That is why they run and trip us so that the zombies will eat our faces and not theirs.



Just read a couple of the comments to my post – and I realize that there are some very damaged people here.

This site is not an alternative to professional therapy, and can be destructive without a professional mediator.

I suggest that when someone has experienced a traumatic relationship that they seek professional help – it is available relatively cheaply – even for those that do not have private medical coverage.

Again a hurt person, as in Adriana case specifically, labeling someone she has known so briefly, only serves a purpose of self suffering, and the victim complex, which again adversely effects self esteem. It is not healthy.

He could easily have been suffering from depression, or PTSD – you simply do not know that, and without professional diagnoses it is wrong to smear someone.

Holding a resentment against somebody, is like taking poison, hoping the other person suffers.

The only person that really suffers is the holder of that resentment and it can destroy people from the inside out.

Again I am not being judgmental and only commenting on Adriana’s situation.

Peace and Blessing


oh my


Mostly a pathological liar,looted my Trust for 70k after 25 years together. I am now filing 16 months from the first event, and 10 months from the last event, with the States Attorney for Extortion.
He always said he picked me as his girlfriend because I was essentially alone; and both my parents had paranoid disorders.

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