I recently received email from a woman whom we’ll call Adriana:
I am told I am a very beautiful, intelligent, fun, woman, but that is all subjective. I am 61 years old but pass for late 40’s; good genes. I have been divorced for 10 years and engaged once during that time. I have dated so many men and feel that I have no purpose because I can’t find “him.” I don’t find most men attractive don’t have chemistry with them and I don’t want to settle. I have not been successful in love at all and have tried to look within myself to see my faults but the truth is I just want to love and be loved.
Anyway, I am so tired of dating and getting my hopes up each time I meet someone I really am attracted to. I was setting up a booth for a trade show and a man from the booth a few down came by and gave me a bottle of water (he is a manager for a water company) and I said thanks and did not really pay much attention to him ”¦ he was ok looking.
The next day he was all dressed up looked so nice and he came to my booth looked me dead in the eyes and said “so where are you taking me to lunch?” I was so charmed by his approach and of course we ended up having lunch and then went out that night, but he conned me into dinner than back to his apt. Where he put the move on me. I am a savvy woman, but I must have been stupid. We spent the weekend together and he began to change plans on me, would get all emotional and cry but I never saw any tears, anyway bottom line is he is a liar, he never asked me for money ever, but the rest of the stuff on your sociopath list he is guilty of.
Everything is about HIM AND ONLY HIM, I think his cold hot actions were to throw me off and keep me under his control. Anyway my question is how could I have such deep feelings for this man I have known for two weeks, and if he is only like eight out of your 10 markers does that mean he is not a sociopath? He has done so much damage to me that I prayed to die. I feel worthless, unworthy, lonely, and I still miss the jerk.
I tried to level with him and told him no more games, I wanted to be loved and he said he could not give me that now. That was the first honest thing he said to me I think.
Please help me figure out if he is or is not a sociopath ”¦
Adriana’s first question was, “How can I have such deep feelings for this man I have known for two weeks?” The answer: Adriana was the target of calculated seduction.
She didn’t provide a lot of detail about her interaction. But a man who walks up and says, “Where are you taking me to lunch?” has obviously targeted her. So I assume he also employed the rest of the strategies in the sociopath’s playbook, such as love bombing and the sudden soul mates tactic. I explain them all in my book, Red Flags of Love Fraud—10 signs you’re dating a sociopath. The bottom line is that for two weeks, Adriana was probably subject to over-the-top attention, and she responded.
About her second question—If Adriana saw eight out of the 10 Red Flags of Love Fraud, then that’s warning enough. It doesn’t matter if the guy doesn’t completely qualify as a sociopath, he certainly qualifies as bad news, and that’s exactly what I told her.
Emotional void
But reading this email, I was more concerned about Adriana’s frame of mind. She came out and said, “I feel that I have no purpose because I can’t find ‘him.'”
This is precisely the type of emotional void that a sociopath will happily step into.
I am not criticizing Adriana. I know exactly how she feels, because I once felt the same way. I was smart, successful, attractive, looked younger than my years—and none of that made any difference to me because I was without a partner.
The emptiness in my heart was certainly palpable to me—and perhaps to the sociopath as well. James Montgomery quickly figured out that I was an easy target. He complimented me, poured on the attention, proclaimed I was the woman he’d been waiting for all his life, painted a shimmering picture of how wonderful our life together would be—and I swallowed it all, hook, line and sinker.
Vulnerabilities
Sociopaths specialize in preying on lonely people. So if you are walking around with a big hole in your heart instead of the fulfillment of love, imagine that you are also walking around with a big, red target tattooed on your forehead. KNOW THAT YOU ARE VULNERABLE.
Sociopaths have an uncanny ability to sense emptiness. For this reason, if you feel lonely, it is critically important that you know the Red Flags of Love Fraud. Because sociopaths all seem to use exactly the same strategies and tactics, I’m beginning to believe that involvements with these destructive individuals are totally preventable, if you know what to look for, and, if you spot the signs, you get out.
But you also need to know yourself. Sociopaths target vulnerabilities, and there are many more vulnerabilities besides loneliness. You can be overly trusting. You can be wounded from past betrayals. You can be suffering from grief.
Vulnerabilities are not necessarily flaws. We are all vulnerable in some way. It’s part of being human. In fact, we must allow ourselves to be vulnerable in order to have a fulfilling relationship. But we must recognize that vulnerabilities also leave us open to exploitation by sociopaths.
Red Flags of Love Fraud Workbook
To help you become aware of your vulnerabilities, and recognize when someone is trying to take advantage of you, I’ve put together a companion for my new book called the Red Flags of Love Fraud Workbook.
It’s a small book—only 40 pages—with checklists and questions to ask yourself, and spaces to record your answers. Its purpose is to enable you to think carefully about your internal reality, so you can strengthen your resistance to predators. And if you’ve already been snagged by a sociopath, answering the questions will help you figure out how it happened, and what you have to do to get out of the involvement.
The Workbook will be available exclusively in the Lovefraud Store, and will be free with the purchase of the printed version of Red Flags of Love Fraud.
The key to keeping sociopaths out of your life is to know that they exist, know the warning signs, and know yourself. The two Red Flags of Love Fraud books give you the tools you need to stay safe and healthy.
This is my first post on there and I identify with the letter. I always felt that I had a great life, but was missing a partner to have a family with. My son is 7 and his father I divorced while I was pregnant and he has since passed. I would love to give him a good male role model. I met a guy online a little over a year ago we talked had the same passion horses and hit it off. He was a shy yes mame cowboy I grew up around and was just a nice guy. I knew one of his three acknowledged ex fiances and she warned me about him, but she’s not exactly all together herself and I confronted him and he explained everything. I checked it online, knew his employer and checked him out there as well as in the horse community. I could not find anything really bad so proceeded with caution. We were together almost a year when I was discarded. My son and I were discarded literally in front of my replacement. I didn’t know what was going on at first he said that the crazy lady there was a friend who had left an abuser and was only staying a few days until she found a place of her own. I was still there just like normal for two weeks, in fact he called me more than ever and was more attentive, but at the point told me he needed me to be more his friend than girlfriend as he was going down finiancially and would not drag me with him. He said he knew if he’d let me I’d just jump in and fix it, but he had to do this on his own. He never asked for alot of money or things so I didn’t pick up on anything. In total over the year, I gave him $500, but it was always for something and I saw the receipts where that’s where the money went. I did take a computer there and some minor stuff like CDs. I truelly didn’t think anything until after we had our talk he just stopped calling or answering when I called, I left messages at his work nothing, emailed nothing. I didn’t understand how someone who said they cared for me deeply and for my son deeply that he just needed a time out(he even told my son he wasn’t leaving) and hopefully we would pick up again and keep going. The hurt was something I’ve never experienced before and hope to never again. I could not understand how someonoe or why someone would act this way. He always said he didn’t believe in cheating or lying so when I offered to take my stuff home the night of our talk and he said no you’re not going anywhere and we are not completely breaking up. I’ve never begged anyone not to leave, but I did him as I thought after all the crap in my life he was my blessing from God. He was adament that he wasn’t leaving me so I believed. Every time I questioned him on anything, he always had a logical explanation for it and it was backed up if I checked on it. As time went by and there was no contact, I started to get really upset to the point where if I didn’t have my son I would have probably ended my life. I’m a Christian and suicide is always a non option, but I was so hurt I literally could not breathe. I have a close friend who until recently I did not know could tap into people and see things. I hate to say psychic, because her gift is word of knowledge from God, but she started to tell me what she saw and when she got to no capacity to love and doesn’t really believe in it something clicked and I started to look online as I know that’s not normal and found you guys. Between here and my friend, I see now I was played in a cruel way where I didn’t see things as red flags. I remember things now and know he is an spath and there were small glimpses of his true self along the way. Lisa feels he is already onto yet another victime after the crazy lady that he used to torture me with. My friend tells me there are many victims before and will be after me, but eventually he will meet someone smarter than him who will take him for everything he has, which looks like not much, but I don’t know now really where all his money went. I have started trying to commit myself to getting more into my horses and getting out and competing. My friends know what’s going on and they are trying to be supportive. I have found out since he didn’t know as much about training horses as I did and what he showed me about roping wasn’t completely all there was. I think now he was jealose of my connection to his horses and my own horses. If he’d let me have his one horse in exchange for the stuff he took from me I would jump at it, but I know the best thing is no contact and let it go. My friend says that while he yells at the horses he does take care of them so I have peace in that.
omg-” the sudden soul mates tactic”-I just called this out to Louise last night but in description…one of the few things I thought might have been real about this lowlife….wow.
It’s the major thing that kept me on the string. He got that I hate small talk and inauthentic behavior. I actually told him that but felt comfy enuf to do so, so he must have intuited it anyway from sitting next to me at work, telling me weird stories to see how I reacted, etc.
Bet he patted himself on the back for being so “intuitive.” “Damn, look at me, I got it right again. She’s almost NO fun at all…too easy to figure out.” He once told me in an email, “I have you figured perfectly. You don’t have me figured at all.” Boy he was right about that. I thought all he wanted was a trip to the broom closet. So glad he never got that.
The vulnerability thing…he hooked RIGHT into that…he knew I was older and out of a job for starters, also don’t look my age. He knew exactly how to get to me…used to talk about “vanity.” Used Biblical terms so excessively, and did such anti-Biblical things. What a pig.
Sorry, Cowgirl, I have been posting on this blog for awhile and didn’t even read your post till after I commented. Only had read the article.
Your experience sounds ghastly. You surely did meet a path and I can still hear the shock between the lines of your post. I’m glad you’re rid of him but I know this takes much more than a pound of flesh. I’m convinced some women (and men) don’t suffer as much from experiences with paths and they are lucky but some of us are just wired and nurtured in a way that makes us perfect prey.
Hope things continue to get better. You are doing the right thing by getting busy with your horses as you love them. One day you will see a little glimmer of hope and it will grow into a sense of well-being again. I’m sure between your son, friends, trust in your faith and the horses, you are going to be ok. We are stronger than we think.
http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2012/05/18/taking-back-our-power/#comment-161632 is the thread I’ve been blogging on…not sure if you’re explored other threads (left side of the page)…I just found LF myself a few months ago. Lots of good people out here.
I’ll post this thread over there.
Big hug and take care for now.
Hi Donna,
In reference to emotional voids: we may not know we have them, or necessarily understand their importance to us (or how we can be manipulated through them), but the spath will. My spath uncovered unfulfilled longings in me, and although i knew of them, i hadn’t realized how deep or important they were. The spath saw them, and although i can’t say if she knew instantly how great a hook they were, she surely figured that out by my responses.
I know a lot of people don’t see themselves as lonely. I also know that many people don’t relate to the line one hears all the time(and are offended by the reductiveness of it) , ‘they prey on those who are lonely’. Talking about vulnerabilities, unmet desires, longings, and needs seems more accessible.
Oy, the things i was willing to give up/ the boundaries i was willing to let others cross – just to have those needs fulfilled! THIS should be a red flag in OUR behaviour.
We are all vulnerable all the time, if we are honest about it. the trick is to know this, live our lives with as much joy and openness as possible, AND submit EVERYONE to the red flag test….more than once, as we sometimes have to wait some time for the mask to slip a bit, so that we can see what we are dealing with.
Dear MDCowgirl,
Welcome to LoveFraud, but sorry you have had the experience to need it…..
You will find information here and I suggest that you get Donna’s book Red Flags of Love Fraud….it will lanswer your questions.
If you don’t want to buy the book or can’t afford it, 99.9% of the information is here on the blog for free…so READ AND LEARN. Knowledge is what gives us power over “them.”
People who love you do not hurt you.
Yes, there are also red flags in our own behavior, our need to be loved…feeling incomplete without someone else to love us. It leaves us vulnerable to having people use and abuse us and there are plenty of people out there looking for that opportunity with vulnerable people of all sexes, sexual orientations, ages, and situations. Even smart, successful people fall. I did, Donna Andersen did, Dr. Liane Leedom fell for her X’s cdon…and most of us lost a GREAT DEAL financially, mentally, morally, sexually, spiritually…they suck us dry in every aspect of our being.
I hope you will feel welcome here in this great community of people who know what you have gone through because we also have. Again, welcome and God bless.
One/joy step – yes, we may be well aware of our longings – I certainly knew that I wanted a committed partner. But yes, there may be other issues and longings that we’ve hidden from ourselves. They are good at finding all of them.
“…..other issues and longings that we’ve hidden from ourselves. They are good at finding all of them.”
Terrifying.
My realization today was that they also work diligently at creating them for us. It’s not hard to do, and they are masters at it.
By comparing us to others, they create a sense of shame, of not measuring up. The intent is to seed envy in us, start rivalries among others and generally produce drama.
I watched my spath do this over and over to me and to other people. He had several variations of this trick. Often, he would recruit other people to work with him in his games.
He would start conversations where one person would be scrutinized or compared to another in the group. “Helpful” advice might be offered to the one who didn’t measure up.
Or he would send his minion over to tell me about their new roof or porch, while my own roof and porch rotted away. I was supposed to feel envious – that much was obvious.
The reason it didn’t work was because it was obvious that the minion had come over with the express intention of making me envious. This told me that SHE was envious of ME already. As Rene Girard explains, when the model observes the subject envying her, it serves to confirm that she is enviable and further resolves to block her rival from becoming like her.
But still, it slimes us, and it does create a rivalry and drama.
The point is, they make us feel things we would not have otherwise felt. My spath told me that before he destroys someone, he likes to make them really happy and get them feeling high. That way they have further to fall.
When it comes to spaths, or anytime, we need to watch for the highs as well as the lows that they make us feel.
I think online dating makes it especially easy for people to manipulate others. When asked usually early on by anyone what I was looking for I would say a long term monogamous relationship. It was a way to weed out the just looking to get laid guys and when I was firm on it they gave up quickly. I wish I could post somewhere that would label my ex and mark his email so others would know what he is. My friend Lisa says he plays the feel sorry for me card alot and actually has plenty of money, but doesn’t want anyone to know where or what it’s spent on.
Thanks for the warm welcome. I learned to rope correctly this weekend and am hoping to rodeo some and make a little side money to help me get on my feet further.
skylar: wow…where have I heard all that before?
you could be talking about my situation.
YES!!!! Absolutely yes.
When the current ‘bed fellow’ called a couple weeks ago and left a five minute blah blah session on my answering machine, it made me laugh for two to three days. Just knowing that SPATH was using me to make her jealous…oh yes…they play everyone against each other and I just jumped ship. I don’t play no more. At all. My life and my time is worth way more than that.
You are absolutely right, skylar….absolutely.
Dupey
MDCowgirl: congrats on learning to rope today! YAHOO!!!
Online dating is like Ox says: “Fishing in a sewer”. That is where I think a good majority of us have met our “ITS”. I know in my case, that is where I met “IT”. And, the 8 some + other minions. Trying to date online is like taking such a major chance with yourself. Truly. You doing rodeo’ing, you should be able to meet a handsome, hunky, cowboy, mam’…the internet dating is a cess pool of psychopaths and people who have a difficult time fitting in somewhere. Stop and think about it. They can be whatever they want, online, and in my experience, it’s a no no.
Spaths are all the same MDCowgirl…all the same…
Dupey