I recently received email from a woman whom we’ll call Adriana:
I am told I am a very beautiful, intelligent, fun, woman, but that is all subjective. I am 61 years old but pass for late 40’s; good genes. I have been divorced for 10 years and engaged once during that time. I have dated so many men and feel that I have no purpose because I can’t find “him.” I don’t find most men attractive don’t have chemistry with them and I don’t want to settle. I have not been successful in love at all and have tried to look within myself to see my faults but the truth is I just want to love and be loved.
Anyway, I am so tired of dating and getting my hopes up each time I meet someone I really am attracted to. I was setting up a booth for a trade show and a man from the booth a few down came by and gave me a bottle of water (he is a manager for a water company) and I said thanks and did not really pay much attention to him ”¦ he was ok looking.
The next day he was all dressed up looked so nice and he came to my booth looked me dead in the eyes and said “so where are you taking me to lunch?” I was so charmed by his approach and of course we ended up having lunch and then went out that night, but he conned me into dinner than back to his apt. Where he put the move on me. I am a savvy woman, but I must have been stupid. We spent the weekend together and he began to change plans on me, would get all emotional and cry but I never saw any tears, anyway bottom line is he is a liar, he never asked me for money ever, but the rest of the stuff on your sociopath list he is guilty of.
Everything is about HIM AND ONLY HIM, I think his cold hot actions were to throw me off and keep me under his control. Anyway my question is how could I have such deep feelings for this man I have known for two weeks, and if he is only like eight out of your 10 markers does that mean he is not a sociopath? He has done so much damage to me that I prayed to die. I feel worthless, unworthy, lonely, and I still miss the jerk.
I tried to level with him and told him no more games, I wanted to be loved and he said he could not give me that now. That was the first honest thing he said to me I think.
Please help me figure out if he is or is not a sociopath ”¦
Adriana’s first question was, “How can I have such deep feelings for this man I have known for two weeks?” The answer: Adriana was the target of calculated seduction.
She didn’t provide a lot of detail about her interaction. But a man who walks up and says, “Where are you taking me to lunch?” has obviously targeted her. So I assume he also employed the rest of the strategies in the sociopath’s playbook, such as love bombing and the sudden soul mates tactic. I explain them all in my book, Red Flags of Love Fraud—10 signs you’re dating a sociopath. The bottom line is that for two weeks, Adriana was probably subject to over-the-top attention, and she responded.
About her second question—If Adriana saw eight out of the 10 Red Flags of Love Fraud, then that’s warning enough. It doesn’t matter if the guy doesn’t completely qualify as a sociopath, he certainly qualifies as bad news, and that’s exactly what I told her.
Emotional void
But reading this email, I was more concerned about Adriana’s frame of mind. She came out and said, “I feel that I have no purpose because I can’t find ‘him.'”
This is precisely the type of emotional void that a sociopath will happily step into.
I am not criticizing Adriana. I know exactly how she feels, because I once felt the same way. I was smart, successful, attractive, looked younger than my years—and none of that made any difference to me because I was without a partner.
The emptiness in my heart was certainly palpable to me—and perhaps to the sociopath as well. James Montgomery quickly figured out that I was an easy target. He complimented me, poured on the attention, proclaimed I was the woman he’d been waiting for all his life, painted a shimmering picture of how wonderful our life together would be—and I swallowed it all, hook, line and sinker.
Vulnerabilities
Sociopaths specialize in preying on lonely people. So if you are walking around with a big hole in your heart instead of the fulfillment of love, imagine that you are also walking around with a big, red target tattooed on your forehead. KNOW THAT YOU ARE VULNERABLE.
Sociopaths have an uncanny ability to sense emptiness. For this reason, if you feel lonely, it is critically important that you know the Red Flags of Love Fraud. Because sociopaths all seem to use exactly the same strategies and tactics, I’m beginning to believe that involvements with these destructive individuals are totally preventable, if you know what to look for, and, if you spot the signs, you get out.
But you also need to know yourself. Sociopaths target vulnerabilities, and there are many more vulnerabilities besides loneliness. You can be overly trusting. You can be wounded from past betrayals. You can be suffering from grief.
Vulnerabilities are not necessarily flaws. We are all vulnerable in some way. It’s part of being human. In fact, we must allow ourselves to be vulnerable in order to have a fulfilling relationship. But we must recognize that vulnerabilities also leave us open to exploitation by sociopaths.
Red Flags of Love Fraud Workbook
To help you become aware of your vulnerabilities, and recognize when someone is trying to take advantage of you, I’ve put together a companion for my new book called the Red Flags of Love Fraud Workbook.
It’s a small book—only 40 pages—with checklists and questions to ask yourself, and spaces to record your answers. Its purpose is to enable you to think carefully about your internal reality, so you can strengthen your resistance to predators. And if you’ve already been snagged by a sociopath, answering the questions will help you figure out how it happened, and what you have to do to get out of the involvement.
The Workbook will be available exclusively in the Lovefraud Store, and will be free with the purchase of the printed version of Red Flags of Love Fraud.
The key to keeping sociopaths out of your life is to know that they exist, know the warning signs, and know yourself. The two Red Flags of Love Fraud books give you the tools you need to stay safe and healthy.
still reeling:
The Brit PF show was in my town also, but I didn’t go to see it…I will next time…sounds great!
I also love “Comfortably Numb”…my favorite PF song!
Brit PF is the better of the two groups….right now. The Aussie PF musicians went to Brit PF esp the guys who we saw all 3x do R. Waters and D Gilmour. They have a group of musicians who rotate – we just got lucky to see these same amazing 2 guys each time we went.
Do catch it next time….not sure it will be the same 2 guys…but I’m sure they’ll be great. Defintely perfectionists. And they are so nice and so grateful to be able to do PF music..they say that each time they perform..it’s very humbling. I know they are making a lot of $ but they work hard, very hard, they earn it.
Not surprised you also like Comf Numb!! What a song.
The move The Wall…very depressing, did you see it? Wow
still reeling:
No, I did not see “The Wall.” Should I?
Louise,
here’s an essay about “The Wall” that explores it in a little different way. I thought it was an amazing analysis.
http://www.ravenfoundation.org/images/stories/Ordered_Disorder_Phil_Rose.pdf
I thought the movie, The Wall, was depressing. I mean, the album is pretty much one depressing song after the other.
Beautiful to be sure, but not uplifting.
I’d be interested in your thoughts on it, Louise.
Actually, I love the movie Tommy, done to the Who’s rock opera…..such a great movie. Have seen that about 10 times or more and the play twice. Very quirky and fun. Not heavy and foreboding like The Wall.
Skylar, wow, that was some article…way above my head to be sure, but that which I understood, truly is fascinating. All the lyrics were written by Roger Waters (one troubled dude and I believe The Wall is more than somewhat auto-biographical). All the music was also written by Waters except Comf Numb which was written by Gilmour.
Dark Side of the Moon, to me, is breathtakingly, heartbreak-ingly beautiful. Breathe in the Air and Us and Them….gorgeous.
As I age, I am more and more in awe of good musicians..I mean how DO they do it?? How does one write amazing lyrics and music too?? Lennon and McCartney completely blow me away as does PF and so many others.
I am just SO glad I did not ever discuss PF with Godzilla. We traded a lot of music. Funny, he only liked cover songs…never songs by the original artists. I didn’t get it then but now I do…..masks. And he consistently reminded me lyrics meant nothing to him so not to read anything into music he sent me. What a darling man.
Hi Glinderella, yup, I’ve noticed the personality disordered free-for-all that is the Real Housewives. Watching Kelly (New York) literally gave me hives once (like Alex, oy) but reading articles about what was going on with her psychologically was beneficial. Everything happened for me around that time and I was totally ignorant about personality disorders as a legit and serious condition (and not just an exaggerated way to cuss out a jerky person) and the show helped me put the pieces together when I needed to, which was soon. Taylor on Beverly Hills is why I stopped watching the franchise. She is one of the few people I am 100 percent certain is a sociopath; she is very, very dark. I’ve never seen the likes of it on reality tv before. I was getting stupid obsessed, like slo-mo’ing her reactions and stuff to spot her smirks and eye gleams. Everything about her was sociopathic – even the way she ate cotton candy! I did see Orange Country early seasons. I never warmed to Vikki and was glad she wasn’t a friend of mine, but I hope its not true or that she cottons on before it’s too late. If she’s still as stubborn as she used to be….well, it doesn’t bode well for her.
Thank you sky for that link to the Wall… I’ve been a PF fan since I was 10 or so. The Wall was the first record of them I owned. And the lyrics I actually loved the most was that of the final song (about the bleeding hearts and artists banging against the wall). Every time I put it on, it made me ponder a lot about abuse, isolation, but identified with the bleeding heart.
Still Reeling, The second record I owned was Dark Side of The Moon, and the album itself is very precious to me, because it was gifted to me by a home stay couple in London where I stayed with for lodgings during the 3 day school excursion we had there when I was 14-15. They found out I was a PF-fan, and the man in that family instantly hauled out the record and gave it to me for a present. Blew me away! Initially I refused to take it; said I was ok with just listening to it. I couldn’t take another person’s PF record. But they insisted, and I still have it.
I never saw Waters’ Wall in concert, but I did see the Gilmour PF live with the Division Bell tour, when I was 18-19. That concert along with Santana and Dire Straits at 17 are my most treasured memries of mythical bands to have experienced for real.
Anyway, I have every record of PF, and there are plenty of records here I think, “This one must be the BEST!”
As for the Beatles!!!!! Have all their records too, but prefer the records from Rubber Soul on. The Beatles taught me the concept of time. I was born in ’74, so after they ceased to exist. And my dad had this Revox giant tape player (well still has it). One of those reel tapes had a lot of Beatles on it (along with James Brown, Melanie, Stones, Tom Jones, etc) and so I dubbed it the Beatles’ tape. Was one of the first tapes I learned to twirl on the other empty tape by myself by the time I was 5, wind it up and then press the heavy “play” button.
And then came 1980, and suddenly the song Imagine by John Lennon was all over the radio and even the news. I knew something was going on, but didn’t know what yet. So, I asked my mom. She told me they were playing it even on the news, because John Lennon had been shot and killed.
I was in shock and cried, “What! But then the Beatles can’t make more music anymore!” So, my mom then told me the next shocking news. “The Beatles split and stopped making music 4 years before you were born.” For me their music had kinda always existed and would always exist and keep making music. So that was a very big shock to me.
Anyway, my best friend used to despise hard rock (for his gay identity process when he was an adolescent he preferred House music and such). A few years ago, he had heard some early AC/DC from my IPod in the car on a short trip together with the spath and I. And he absolutely loved it. So this year for his birthday, with me having little or no penny, I burnt some hard rock CDs for him with my collection: Black Sabbath, Led Zeppelin, the Who, some Pink Floyd, a bit of Bowie, AC/DC of course AND the Beatles (but not any of the typical songs). He still comments to me all the time the Beatles’ blow him away every time. He never knew they had made such loud and raw music (and that Led Zeppelin was so bluesy). Best kept secret about the Beatles 🙂 People tend to regard them as the fab four with poppy ballads and tunes, but they actually have a very ecclectic mash of music styles, including some of the earliest hard rock, with Paul reading a review about the Who, then hearing the power pop record and thinking… Euhm that’s not as loud as I imagined it to be; so, I’ll make a real loud one, and so he did. Hehe.
I recently copied all of my music in ITunes, and I still conclude that the 60s and 70s were the most innovative and best sounding decades when it comes to rock. The 90s come in 3rd place for me.
skylar:
I loved “The Wall” essay…thanks for good reading!
darwinsmom, love your post. I have noticed over the years that the younger gen likes older music. maybe it’s cause I’m old but I haven’t really liked a lot of music since maybe mid-80’s. I mean, there are songs here and there that I love, but nothing touches the 60’s and 70’s to me. My husband is a Zeppelin fanatic. He loves music! Always searching for new stuff to like.
Agree with everything you said about the Beatles. Amazing talents. It’s funny, I hate blues but most of the groups I love, including the Beatles, def the Stones, etc. are blues-based!
That was an eye-opener for me…still can’t stand pure blues or jazz.
Sounds like amazing CD’s you made for your buddy. Those are the best gifts. My daughter burns them for me. I make her a list of songs and play them till they’re warped, usually in the car.
A few months back, there was a great documentary on cable on George Harrison, where I first heard his song, Beware of Darkness. I think I posted it on here before. What a beautiful song. The lyrics, all the background music, the emotion. WOW. Unfotunately, it hooks into path for me…I should never have shared it with him.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sGvnJzaWUII
Have a great day.
still reeling:
Beautiful song…thank you.
All the best music is from the UK…love that. No doubt they are all the best musicians.