I recently received email from a woman whom we’ll call Adriana:
I am told I am a very beautiful, intelligent, fun, woman, but that is all subjective. I am 61 years old but pass for late 40’s; good genes. I have been divorced for 10 years and engaged once during that time. I have dated so many men and feel that I have no purpose because I can’t find “him.” I don’t find most men attractive don’t have chemistry with them and I don’t want to settle. I have not been successful in love at all and have tried to look within myself to see my faults but the truth is I just want to love and be loved.
Anyway, I am so tired of dating and getting my hopes up each time I meet someone I really am attracted to. I was setting up a booth for a trade show and a man from the booth a few down came by and gave me a bottle of water (he is a manager for a water company) and I said thanks and did not really pay much attention to him ”¦ he was ok looking.
The next day he was all dressed up looked so nice and he came to my booth looked me dead in the eyes and said “so where are you taking me to lunch?” I was so charmed by his approach and of course we ended up having lunch and then went out that night, but he conned me into dinner than back to his apt. Where he put the move on me. I am a savvy woman, but I must have been stupid. We spent the weekend together and he began to change plans on me, would get all emotional and cry but I never saw any tears, anyway bottom line is he is a liar, he never asked me for money ever, but the rest of the stuff on your sociopath list he is guilty of.
Everything is about HIM AND ONLY HIM, I think his cold hot actions were to throw me off and keep me under his control. Anyway my question is how could I have such deep feelings for this man I have known for two weeks, and if he is only like eight out of your 10 markers does that mean he is not a sociopath? He has done so much damage to me that I prayed to die. I feel worthless, unworthy, lonely, and I still miss the jerk.
I tried to level with him and told him no more games, I wanted to be loved and he said he could not give me that now. That was the first honest thing he said to me I think.
Please help me figure out if he is or is not a sociopath ”¦
Adriana’s first question was, “How can I have such deep feelings for this man I have known for two weeks?” The answer: Adriana was the target of calculated seduction.
She didn’t provide a lot of detail about her interaction. But a man who walks up and says, “Where are you taking me to lunch?” has obviously targeted her. So I assume he also employed the rest of the strategies in the sociopath’s playbook, such as love bombing and the sudden soul mates tactic. I explain them all in my book, Red Flags of Love Fraud—10 signs you’re dating a sociopath. The bottom line is that for two weeks, Adriana was probably subject to over-the-top attention, and she responded.
About her second question—If Adriana saw eight out of the 10 Red Flags of Love Fraud, then that’s warning enough. It doesn’t matter if the guy doesn’t completely qualify as a sociopath, he certainly qualifies as bad news, and that’s exactly what I told her.
Emotional void
But reading this email, I was more concerned about Adriana’s frame of mind. She came out and said, “I feel that I have no purpose because I can’t find ‘him.'”
This is precisely the type of emotional void that a sociopath will happily step into.
I am not criticizing Adriana. I know exactly how she feels, because I once felt the same way. I was smart, successful, attractive, looked younger than my years—and none of that made any difference to me because I was without a partner.
The emptiness in my heart was certainly palpable to me—and perhaps to the sociopath as well. James Montgomery quickly figured out that I was an easy target. He complimented me, poured on the attention, proclaimed I was the woman he’d been waiting for all his life, painted a shimmering picture of how wonderful our life together would be—and I swallowed it all, hook, line and sinker.
Vulnerabilities
Sociopaths specialize in preying on lonely people. So if you are walking around with a big hole in your heart instead of the fulfillment of love, imagine that you are also walking around with a big, red target tattooed on your forehead. KNOW THAT YOU ARE VULNERABLE.
Sociopaths have an uncanny ability to sense emptiness. For this reason, if you feel lonely, it is critically important that you know the Red Flags of Love Fraud. Because sociopaths all seem to use exactly the same strategies and tactics, I’m beginning to believe that involvements with these destructive individuals are totally preventable, if you know what to look for, and, if you spot the signs, you get out.
But you also need to know yourself. Sociopaths target vulnerabilities, and there are many more vulnerabilities besides loneliness. You can be overly trusting. You can be wounded from past betrayals. You can be suffering from grief.
Vulnerabilities are not necessarily flaws. We are all vulnerable in some way. It’s part of being human. In fact, we must allow ourselves to be vulnerable in order to have a fulfilling relationship. But we must recognize that vulnerabilities also leave us open to exploitation by sociopaths.
Red Flags of Love Fraud Workbook
To help you become aware of your vulnerabilities, and recognize when someone is trying to take advantage of you, I’ve put together a companion for my new book called the Red Flags of Love Fraud Workbook.
It’s a small book—only 40 pages—with checklists and questions to ask yourself, and spaces to record your answers. Its purpose is to enable you to think carefully about your internal reality, so you can strengthen your resistance to predators. And if you’ve already been snagged by a sociopath, answering the questions will help you figure out how it happened, and what you have to do to get out of the involvement.
The Workbook will be available exclusively in the Lovefraud Store, and will be free with the purchase of the printed version of Red Flags of Love Fraud.
The key to keeping sociopaths out of your life is to know that they exist, know the warning signs, and know yourself. The two Red Flags of Love Fraud books give you the tools you need to stay safe and healthy.
I did NOT give him the video despite his insists ce this was ‘his too’ and I was keeping something that ‘was half his’. He tried all sorts of guilt and finally sent me a picture of himself… He was clothed but I think he wanted to see my reaction. He told me ‘ please do not talk to me unless you’re ready to give me that video’.
I blocked his number from my phone
lukygirl,
They try ANY way to “reconnect” and to get thehook into you again, it is like FISHING, it is throwing the bait out there “it’s part his too” with the HIDDEN HOOK to try to reel you in.
Good for you for blocking his number. If he calls in the future or figures a way to contact you. Hang up! Don’t read. Delete! Don’t let him try to get the hook back into you.
It is all a lie. HE IS THE LIE.
Thanks ox
I left out a bunch although I’m more concerned with what the obsession over the video is? We’ve not been together for over a year and NOW he wants the video? It’s soooo inappropriate yet he’s insists t that THAT’S the ONKY THING that will ‘show him’ I can put his wants before mine. It just sounds so effed up! What’s the point?
He doesn’t want the video oneluckygurl, he wants to eff with your head. It’s a trap. If he wanted the video because he cared about it in any small way or if he wanted genuine relationship with you, he would have both right this minute. And since when does a spath ever not take what they want when they want it? If he wanted it, he would have taken it long ago.
I’d throw it in a garbage bin across town after breaking it and then tell him where to find it if he really wants it.
Parallel
It’s gone…
A ‘trap’? For what? To eff with my head? But what’s he getting from this? A sense of power over me to do what he wants and control over me doing it?
onelukygurl
‘A sense of power over me to do what he wants and control over me doing it? ‘
that sounds about right.
I love those songs “Behind Blue Eyes” and “Beware of Darkness.” They are new to me. I had no idea George Harrison had solo stuff. Good Sunday listening music.
Aw, take care, Beyond the Edge/Dupy. The spaths take so, so much, and it’s all frustrating and beyond the pale, but to ruin music for a person who was once passionate about music, seems especially cruel. A person who is passionate about music is generally a person who needs music, a person for whom music is valuable. I hope you push through the sad songs until you feel the music reciprocating again. Could music be missing you, too? I wanted to hear everything and nothing after my spath, it was a combination on numbness, disinterest, fatigue, fear. I stopped listening to music but then I heard “I’m on Fire” by Springsteen on the radio in a hardware store. I don’t love the song but it was a song I always remembered hearing on the radio when I was young. That kickstarted something. When I got home I again felt messy and didn’t know what to listen to that would be safe so I put my ipod on shuffle and let the songs choose me. And that was how I got music back. Am I making it sound simple? Because it was dire times, I understand. Be well and thank-you also for the kind thoughts. Can you share the news when you start feeling music rumbling in your heart again?
I found “The Wall” too upsetting to finish watching when I saw it in my twenties, too. Too, too raw.
Still reeling, I’m glad! It isn’t even the best song on their new album, go get it!
Yeah to what one/joy and oxy said, oneluckygirl. He’s not being subtle.
You even said that when he first called it “turned into an opportunity for him to blast me on how I have issues with power and control..” You know how the spath reverses everything and blames us for what they are guilty of themselves? Blocking his number and not answering was smart.
onelukygirl,
my spath had an envelope in which he kept a stash of things. In it was a small photo album of me. Once the shit hit the fan and his mask slipped, the envelope disappeared.
I know why he has those pictures of me. It was part of his mask. The pics showed us hugging and smiling. they are going to be used to lure his next victim. Spaths understand how women think: if he had a pretty wife before, he must be a nice man, right?
Those pics are evidence that he is a nice human being. In fact, he is the most sadistic monster imaginable.
Then there’s the sex video I suspect he made of me… that gets used in a different context…
Spaths like to have PROPS for their dramatic productions.
Good for you, not giving him any.
Thank you all…
It IS so obvious in the texts what HE wants and how sick and twisted he’s trying to get the control. What though, is the purpose of him wanting the video!!! Can’t he gain a sense of control with anything else? I kept saying ‘it’s not about the video, it’s not about the vidro’ and he agreed. He said it was ‘about seeing that you are willing to put what I want and need before yourself. It was about seeing that what I want and need is important’.
What the heck is that crap?