I recently received email from a woman whom we’ll call Adriana:
I am told I am a very beautiful, intelligent, fun, woman, but that is all subjective. I am 61 years old but pass for late 40’s; good genes. I have been divorced for 10 years and engaged once during that time. I have dated so many men and feel that I have no purpose because I can’t find “him.” I don’t find most men attractive don’t have chemistry with them and I don’t want to settle. I have not been successful in love at all and have tried to look within myself to see my faults but the truth is I just want to love and be loved.
Anyway, I am so tired of dating and getting my hopes up each time I meet someone I really am attracted to. I was setting up a booth for a trade show and a man from the booth a few down came by and gave me a bottle of water (he is a manager for a water company) and I said thanks and did not really pay much attention to him ”¦ he was ok looking.
The next day he was all dressed up looked so nice and he came to my booth looked me dead in the eyes and said “so where are you taking me to lunch?” I was so charmed by his approach and of course we ended up having lunch and then went out that night, but he conned me into dinner than back to his apt. Where he put the move on me. I am a savvy woman, but I must have been stupid. We spent the weekend together and he began to change plans on me, would get all emotional and cry but I never saw any tears, anyway bottom line is he is a liar, he never asked me for money ever, but the rest of the stuff on your sociopath list he is guilty of.
Everything is about HIM AND ONLY HIM, I think his cold hot actions were to throw me off and keep me under his control. Anyway my question is how could I have such deep feelings for this man I have known for two weeks, and if he is only like eight out of your 10 markers does that mean he is not a sociopath? He has done so much damage to me that I prayed to die. I feel worthless, unworthy, lonely, and I still miss the jerk.
I tried to level with him and told him no more games, I wanted to be loved and he said he could not give me that now. That was the first honest thing he said to me I think.
Please help me figure out if he is or is not a sociopath ”¦
Adriana’s first question was, “How can I have such deep feelings for this man I have known for two weeks?” The answer: Adriana was the target of calculated seduction.
She didn’t provide a lot of detail about her interaction. But a man who walks up and says, “Where are you taking me to lunch?” has obviously targeted her. So I assume he also employed the rest of the strategies in the sociopath’s playbook, such as love bombing and the sudden soul mates tactic. I explain them all in my book, Red Flags of Love Fraud—10 signs you’re dating a sociopath. The bottom line is that for two weeks, Adriana was probably subject to over-the-top attention, and she responded.
About her second question—If Adriana saw eight out of the 10 Red Flags of Love Fraud, then that’s warning enough. It doesn’t matter if the guy doesn’t completely qualify as a sociopath, he certainly qualifies as bad news, and that’s exactly what I told her.
Emotional void
But reading this email, I was more concerned about Adriana’s frame of mind. She came out and said, “I feel that I have no purpose because I can’t find ‘him.'”
This is precisely the type of emotional void that a sociopath will happily step into.
I am not criticizing Adriana. I know exactly how she feels, because I once felt the same way. I was smart, successful, attractive, looked younger than my years—and none of that made any difference to me because I was without a partner.
The emptiness in my heart was certainly palpable to me—and perhaps to the sociopath as well. James Montgomery quickly figured out that I was an easy target. He complimented me, poured on the attention, proclaimed I was the woman he’d been waiting for all his life, painted a shimmering picture of how wonderful our life together would be—and I swallowed it all, hook, line and sinker.
Vulnerabilities
Sociopaths specialize in preying on lonely people. So if you are walking around with a big hole in your heart instead of the fulfillment of love, imagine that you are also walking around with a big, red target tattooed on your forehead. KNOW THAT YOU ARE VULNERABLE.
Sociopaths have an uncanny ability to sense emptiness. For this reason, if you feel lonely, it is critically important that you know the Red Flags of Love Fraud. Because sociopaths all seem to use exactly the same strategies and tactics, I’m beginning to believe that involvements with these destructive individuals are totally preventable, if you know what to look for, and, if you spot the signs, you get out.
But you also need to know yourself. Sociopaths target vulnerabilities, and there are many more vulnerabilities besides loneliness. You can be overly trusting. You can be wounded from past betrayals. You can be suffering from grief.
Vulnerabilities are not necessarily flaws. We are all vulnerable in some way. It’s part of being human. In fact, we must allow ourselves to be vulnerable in order to have a fulfilling relationship. But we must recognize that vulnerabilities also leave us open to exploitation by sociopaths.
Red Flags of Love Fraud Workbook
To help you become aware of your vulnerabilities, and recognize when someone is trying to take advantage of you, I’ve put together a companion for my new book called the Red Flags of Love Fraud Workbook.
It’s a small book—only 40 pages—with checklists and questions to ask yourself, and spaces to record your answers. Its purpose is to enable you to think carefully about your internal reality, so you can strengthen your resistance to predators. And if you’ve already been snagged by a sociopath, answering the questions will help you figure out how it happened, and what you have to do to get out of the involvement.
The Workbook will be available exclusively in the Lovefraud Store, and will be free with the purchase of the printed version of Red Flags of Love Fraud.
The key to keeping sociopaths out of your life is to know that they exist, know the warning signs, and know yourself. The two Red Flags of Love Fraud books give you the tools you need to stay safe and healthy.
Thanks truthspeak, I appreciate the good wishes, I am recovering but it is slow going. Think I feel better this morning than I have in quite a while. Even my ditzy mind seems to be clearing up some.
Funny how when your body is sick your mind doesn’t work right either and when your mind is stressed out, your body goes down hill as well.
That’s why we need to work hard at keeping our life as free of stress as we can.
OxD, you’ve got that right, m’dear! HUGS TO YOU!!!
onelukgirl,
I think he wants the video to posterize himself as ‘relationship material’. When you see pics of a a guy and his ex-girlfriend with the ex-girlfriend beaming at the time they were still together, it makes the new women think the guy must have been good relationship material.
It’s one of the first things I did with the spath: made sure that he couldn’t use any of our ‘couple’ pics or ‘videos’ as ‘evidence’ of how ‘happy’ he can make someone. The few ones he had on his own profile, I added a comment “fake”. And since he’s blocked, he’s not even able to remove the ‘fake’ comment on our pics he has, because he can’t see my comments. But anyone else can see it though.
Anyway, that’s why he wants the video: to prove to OWs that he was a great guy…
NOT!
Getting back to the topic of the emotional void, this is so true, and easy to see a pattern of it if you follow the spath. I have three children with mine who live with her, no contact is not an option. When we started dating, I was very emotionally vulnerable. I had just got out of a long relationship where she left me to go live with a friend of mine. When my ex spath and I split this last time, last august, she had met a guy who was very vulnerable. His wife had died fairly recently. She used him for a few months, until she saw he really didn’t have as many assets as she had hoped. She dated several others. I don’t know their stories. Then she met her most recent ex. He was recently divorced, (days before) and there very vulnerable. He had met the woman of his dreams. My ex doesn’t work, and he moved her and or three kids in with him within days of dating. She hooked him good. He came to me a couple of weeks later concerned that things were not as they seemed. I tried to help him, and explain to him what he was dealing with. I had just learned at that time what she was. I told him the best advice I could give him was to run and not look back as she has already destroyed at least five lives, and if he didn’t, he would be next. She convinced him I was spreading rumors about her to break them up because I was, and still am totally in love with her, jealous, and wanted her back. About two weeks ago he called me and suggested that I talk to Children’s Aid about her abuse to our children. she was furious. She then called CAS and police herself that night, and accused him of assulting our 5 yo son. She left the next morning, taking valuables, reversing his car payment, and mortgage payment and draining his bank account, and went to stay at a womans shelter. She then contacted his baby’s mom to tell them a whole bunch of stories about his abuse, and is helping her to make sure he never sees his little girl again. Such a sweetheart isn’t she??? Lol. Do these ftards not fear death? I know that legally she’s untouchable because she’s such a great “innocent victim”. But isn’t desperation the reason people resort to desperate measures?
Dear Dying dad,
I am so sorry you have children with this woman. While “no contact” is not an option…LOW CONTACT is the best you can hope for.
Read the article on Gray Rock, which is NO DRAMA, no arguing, no getting angry, just BORRRRRING.
She will try to provoke you, but you must NOT RESPOND with any emotion at all. Just BLANK FACE, no emotions. No matter what she does. just borrring.
I suggest that you document what this man has to say….and that you keep in contact with him. You and he should be on the same team. You can testify for him, and him for you if it comes to court for either of you.
DOCUMENT DOCUMENT DOCUMENT keep records that show a PATTERN of how she behaves irresponsibly.
If she has lived with X number of guys in Y number of months, if she doesn’t work, etc. then this is showing a PATTERN of irresponsible behavior and that is NOT GOOD PARENTING.
Show that you have kept a responsible job, that you have not lived with five other women in 6 months and so on….show that you are STABLE.
Over a period of time she will show that she is IRRESPONSIBLE and that is your ace in the hole. Whatever you do, make sure you are appearing to be STABLE and RESPONSIBLE and eventually you will prevail. Oh, and BTW….a woman with 3 toddlers is NOT “prime meat” on the relationship market, and so she is going to have a more and more difficult time in finding partners who are interested in her, so at some point she is going to want to shed herself of these impediments to her “fun”
Darwin…
He wants to ‘remember’ ‘who he was’ at THAT time because, honestly, I think that’s the most he EVER has ‘felt’ with ‘real’ feelings. He knows he’s a fake yet that’s his default- its who he’s got the most ‘control’ over ( the one version of himself he’s the most in charge of)…WOW!!!! I. Elieve tha was a ‘time’ he felt proud of ‘who he had become’ except it was really difficult to maintain.
I can’t tell u the amount of times he would refer to ‘my old self’ in situations. I’ve slipped past him sorta…enough time has gone by without CONSTANT reminders from me About ‘integrity, doing the right thing’ and hes back to who he really is. Don’t know if he believes I don’t know it tho…BINGO!!!! He’s trying to convince me HE’S healthy n IM unhealthy. He’s got ‘mastry’ over THIS version of his life Cept THIS version is really EFFED UP!!!
Dyingdad, OxD is (again) spot-on on every level. “Grey Rock” is so vital when attempting to co-parent with a sociopath. There is a WHOLE section of co-parenting with a sociopath under the Sociopaths & Family heading blog.
Having been through custody battles and so forth with the first exspath, I can clearly see where I made a HUGE number of mistakes…..Here’s what I sent to someone, just recently, about their custody issues with a sociopathic father (SORRY that it’s so long!):
“”I learned about shared custody with a sociopath the hard, cruel way. I’m going to share some “rule” that I learned that I hope will help you.
#1: Remember that the new Mrs. Victim is either a spath, herself, or that she has become addicted to the intoxicating sense of false power in the drama/trauma that the exspath creates.
#2: The new Mrs. Victim has no legal right, or business, being involved in any issues between you and the exspath – period. She can listen, she can “witness,” she can do many, many things, but she does not have any legal business being involved.
#3: Document, document, document. This cannot be emphasized enough. Save all emails/responses to a thumb-drive. Log all verbal conversations in a paper notebook with a waterproof pen noting dates, times, and exact quotes/exact responses. Keep in mind, this log must be 100% objective, accurate, and consistently maintained. No feelings, no personal observations, and no personal judgments. Save feelings, observations, and judgments for your personal journal and counseling therapist.
#4: Remember that the exspath knows your fears better than you do, yourself – he created them, and he’s counting upon your feelings to cause you to react. “Feelings” are not “facts.” Make this your personal mantra.
#5: Keep all communications of any type isolated to the topic of visitation, only. Set this boundary and do not waver from it. You know that the exspath can use one word or phrase to divert the topic into bedlam – you know this from personal experience. When the exspath attempts this, your proactive remark will always be, “Okay, I’m done. Bye.” And, don’t allow your personal fears to prevent you from taking control of your own actions.
#6: Remember that any attempt to discuss feelings, damages, or what’s “appropriate” with a sociopath only results in a senseless waste of your precious oxygen. A sociopath does not care, has never cared, and will never care, especially if the issue is children.
#7: Remember that children are innocent of their parents’ issues. Under no circumstances do we discuss child support, finances, adult issues, reasons for divorce, or anything else with our children – these are adult issues that they cannot process and that they will be caused to feel torn if they are included (or, indulged) in discussions of these sorts. If they question us, our committed and unwavering response will always be, “Those issues do not involve you, and we’re not going to discuss them.” Change the topic, immediately.
#8: If you are not already engaged in strong counseling therapy, I urge you to do so, as soon as possible with a counselor who “gets it” about domestic violence/abuse. Never use the word, “sociopath,” in therapy sessions – we are not qualified to render a diagnosis, even though we know the exspaths exhibit symptoms. To find a counselor that “gets it,” contact your local domestic abuse/violence hotline and ask for the names of counselors who specialize in PSTD, domestic violence/abuse, and shame-core. Often, these counselors provide their services at no charge.
#10: Move through your days viewing the exspath as a “grey rock.” “Grey rock” technique is acknowledging that something is there, but recognizing that it does not have any power.
#11: When children visit with the exspaths, we do not question them, call them, demand responses, or monitor what is going on. To do so only strengthens the trauma-bond between child and spath parent, and causes us to look like raving, ranting, busybody lunatics. Force yourself to do something else other than focus on what may, or may not, be happening during visitations – take up a long-desired hobby, do some gardening, write in your personal journal, or get involved in something that redirects your focus into something healthy and productive.
I hope that you find something helpful, here, Jo. I went through hell in a hand basket with the first exspath, and no matter how well-meaning we are for the sakes of our children, there is no winning/fairness when co-parenting with a sociopath. “”
Truthspeak, I like the guidelines you write, for co-parenting. I am not disagreeing with any of it, but maybe questioning some of it (forgive me, I am in a melancholy mood today).
The part about how to handle the truth with our children; I spent the years when they were little, continuing to pretend that everything was OK with their dad — this seemed to be the advice given me, so that the kids would grow up happy and secure. At least, that was the way I interpreted the approach of “not discussing” the “adult issues” with the children. It sounds so good in theory, and I can see that in one sense that is what is best for the kids. But… then they get older and start asking questions, and I tried for awhile to say, “that is between your dad and me. You don’t need to concern yourself with that.” That is true, and it works for awhile, in one sense. Then they get older.
But then also, there is the uncomfortable truth that their dad also does similar invalidating, abusive stuff to them that he had done to me. Why on earth people would think that men who abuse their wives will not also abuse the children, is beyond me (this has to do with custody — why give the guy another chance; say, hmm, maybe he is only abusive towards his spouse, why would we think he would also do it to the kids? Silly thought….)
I think this advice (to keep adult matters between adults) is very sound when both parents are normal (not spaths). But I found after awhile that I was still covering up for my ex-husband, enabling him to continue to keep his mask on, sort of, while doing the spath things to us behind closed doors (except since the divorce, I was not there in person when he did it to the kids). I just heard about it afterwards. From the kids. Except they didn’t have a name for it (poor dears) and if you can’t name it, it’s that much more difficult to figure out.
So… after awhile I began to break with this protocol and I would indeed validate my kids, when they came to me with questions about something their dad had done to them. Because it was, very sadly, the same stuff he’d done to me. I wanted to find a way to teach them: this is NOT how a loving, normal dad treats his kids! Except I didn’t, either, want to “badmouth” him (parental alienation). I took a slow approach of validating their feelings about what he was doing and how they perceived it. But you know what… the more you validate them, the more pointed their questions become. After awhile, you just can’t be vague any more. No, I have not by any means told them everything! But they know now that he was physically and verbally and emotionally abusive to me, and that’s why I left the marriage.
The alternative (to keep pretending or to just say “sorry, that’s between your dad and me”) doesn’t seem like, in the end, it is going to be the best approach to help them grow up to have healthy relationships.
This is a very tough place to be in — and the usual advice applies, but then again, sometimes it doesn’t.
I’m not done raising my teenagers yet, but at this point we are much more truthful with each other about who their dad is. It is a very uncomfortable, ugly situation. We haven’t totally figured it out yet.
And it’s tough to be a co-parent, to maintain the “adult” role and figure out the right balance between being truthful and overspilling boundaries about what one should share with the kids. Above all, I want what is best for them and for them to grow up healthy.
I cannot believe, in the end, that it will be healthiest for my kids to grow up with a mother who glosses over or will not discuss the reasons for the divorce (abuse), not when they are being emotionally abused by him, themselves. I can’t possibly pretend that their dad is “OK.”
And unfortunately, with a wealthy dad who manipulates them with money (will he or won’t he pay for college? Hmmm…. not sure yet….) and a financially struggling mom — it is impossible for me to keep finances “off the table” as a discussion topic. There are some pretty harsh realities going on in our family. The kids need to know the truth — or enough of it — at this point. They need to know what they are dealing with.
I think it depends on the age and maturity level of the kids, their curiosity and sense that something isn’t right.
I never bad mouthed my X to my kids, but we had no involvement with him. When they grew up, they figured it out for themselves. But, if an X was in their lives and constantly causing them pain and disappointment, stirring the sh@t pot, and they expressed worry or upset, I would level with them. Just my 2 cents.
I agree, Kim, it depends on the ages of the child and what the X is doing/saying. It is difficult and a tight rope walk at best.
I think parents need to reassure the kids that we will never leave or abandon them, that we love them unconditionally, etc. and keep them out of the middle as much as possible. It ain’t gonna be easy co parenting with a psychopath…that’s for sure. I have the utmost respect for those of you who must do so.