I recently received email from a woman whom we’ll call Adriana:
I am told I am a very beautiful, intelligent, fun, woman, but that is all subjective. I am 61 years old but pass for late 40’s; good genes. I have been divorced for 10 years and engaged once during that time. I have dated so many men and feel that I have no purpose because I can’t find “him.” I don’t find most men attractive don’t have chemistry with them and I don’t want to settle. I have not been successful in love at all and have tried to look within myself to see my faults but the truth is I just want to love and be loved.
Anyway, I am so tired of dating and getting my hopes up each time I meet someone I really am attracted to. I was setting up a booth for a trade show and a man from the booth a few down came by and gave me a bottle of water (he is a manager for a water company) and I said thanks and did not really pay much attention to him ”¦ he was ok looking.
The next day he was all dressed up looked so nice and he came to my booth looked me dead in the eyes and said “so where are you taking me to lunch?” I was so charmed by his approach and of course we ended up having lunch and then went out that night, but he conned me into dinner than back to his apt. Where he put the move on me. I am a savvy woman, but I must have been stupid. We spent the weekend together and he began to change plans on me, would get all emotional and cry but I never saw any tears, anyway bottom line is he is a liar, he never asked me for money ever, but the rest of the stuff on your sociopath list he is guilty of.
Everything is about HIM AND ONLY HIM, I think his cold hot actions were to throw me off and keep me under his control. Anyway my question is how could I have such deep feelings for this man I have known for two weeks, and if he is only like eight out of your 10 markers does that mean he is not a sociopath? He has done so much damage to me that I prayed to die. I feel worthless, unworthy, lonely, and I still miss the jerk.
I tried to level with him and told him no more games, I wanted to be loved and he said he could not give me that now. That was the first honest thing he said to me I think.
Please help me figure out if he is or is not a sociopath ”¦
Adriana’s first question was, “How can I have such deep feelings for this man I have known for two weeks?” The answer: Adriana was the target of calculated seduction.
She didn’t provide a lot of detail about her interaction. But a man who walks up and says, “Where are you taking me to lunch?” has obviously targeted her. So I assume he also employed the rest of the strategies in the sociopath’s playbook, such as love bombing and the sudden soul mates tactic. I explain them all in my book, Red Flags of Love Fraud—10 signs you’re dating a sociopath. The bottom line is that for two weeks, Adriana was probably subject to over-the-top attention, and she responded.
About her second question—If Adriana saw eight out of the 10 Red Flags of Love Fraud, then that’s warning enough. It doesn’t matter if the guy doesn’t completely qualify as a sociopath, he certainly qualifies as bad news, and that’s exactly what I told her.
Emotional void
But reading this email, I was more concerned about Adriana’s frame of mind. She came out and said, “I feel that I have no purpose because I can’t find ‘him.'”
This is precisely the type of emotional void that a sociopath will happily step into.
I am not criticizing Adriana. I know exactly how she feels, because I once felt the same way. I was smart, successful, attractive, looked younger than my years—and none of that made any difference to me because I was without a partner.
The emptiness in my heart was certainly palpable to me—and perhaps to the sociopath as well. James Montgomery quickly figured out that I was an easy target. He complimented me, poured on the attention, proclaimed I was the woman he’d been waiting for all his life, painted a shimmering picture of how wonderful our life together would be—and I swallowed it all, hook, line and sinker.
Vulnerabilities
Sociopaths specialize in preying on lonely people. So if you are walking around with a big hole in your heart instead of the fulfillment of love, imagine that you are also walking around with a big, red target tattooed on your forehead. KNOW THAT YOU ARE VULNERABLE.
Sociopaths have an uncanny ability to sense emptiness. For this reason, if you feel lonely, it is critically important that you know the Red Flags of Love Fraud. Because sociopaths all seem to use exactly the same strategies and tactics, I’m beginning to believe that involvements with these destructive individuals are totally preventable, if you know what to look for, and, if you spot the signs, you get out.
But you also need to know yourself. Sociopaths target vulnerabilities, and there are many more vulnerabilities besides loneliness. You can be overly trusting. You can be wounded from past betrayals. You can be suffering from grief.
Vulnerabilities are not necessarily flaws. We are all vulnerable in some way. It’s part of being human. In fact, we must allow ourselves to be vulnerable in order to have a fulfilling relationship. But we must recognize that vulnerabilities also leave us open to exploitation by sociopaths.
Red Flags of Love Fraud Workbook
To help you become aware of your vulnerabilities, and recognize when someone is trying to take advantage of you, I’ve put together a companion for my new book called the Red Flags of Love Fraud Workbook.
It’s a small book—only 40 pages—with checklists and questions to ask yourself, and spaces to record your answers. Its purpose is to enable you to think carefully about your internal reality, so you can strengthen your resistance to predators. And if you’ve already been snagged by a sociopath, answering the questions will help you figure out how it happened, and what you have to do to get out of the involvement.
The Workbook will be available exclusively in the Lovefraud Store, and will be free with the purchase of the printed version of Red Flags of Love Fraud.
The key to keeping sociopaths out of your life is to know that they exist, know the warning signs, and know yourself. The two Red Flags of Love Fraud books give you the tools you need to stay safe and healthy.
Thank you again Oxy. I will certainly check it out as I see this happening already. And they are only 2, 5, and 8. The she where they form healthy/unhealthy bonds.
Dyingdad ~ Sorry you are in such a difficult position. Everyone has given you such good ideas.
You just mentioned above, that you already see signs of “trauma bonding” as described by Oxy. Document these things, being very specific. Many times the children are put into the position of being the “parent”, as Oxy mentioned “I need you so much, who would take care of me sort of thing”. This is not looked upon as healthy by Children’s Services and often times the court. This is something you need to try and keep track of.
Thank you MiLo.
On a lighter note, I love your witty, sarcastic sense of humor… Would love to hear a new joke?? Lol. 🙂
Also, white knuckled right now from hanging onto the grey rock so tightly. Some of her bait is so hard to resist.
Oxy, do you remember commented on a thread, ask Dr. Leedom, Any new research on parenting with a sociopath?? In this article, she has list of questions parents should consider when deciding wether their children should have contact. Very helpful.
This article explains exactly what happened to me.
Before I met my sociopath ex, i was in a state of depression in my life. I felt unfulfilled and thought that I would never meet a woman again. When i met her, that changed. She showered me with attention from day 1. And by the 3rd week she was discussing plans for marriage. Because I felt so lonely at the time, I decided to go along with it. It was the biggest mistake of my life. Once I commited, her “True side” came out. She first told me that the “honeymoon was over” and then came the lies and deception. By the 5th month, she was in regular contact with her ex partners, sometimes calling them while I was in front of her, sometimes for hours on end, flirtatious conversation. It was terrible. But again, I didnt really say anything because of my FEAR of losing her. It was a classic case of “stockholm syndrome” as this article says. I am apalled that I let myself get sucked in the way I did. But as they say it is “easy to look in hindsight”. I am at a loss for words. All I can say is that I was defintely manipulated by a predator. I feel used, I feel weak. Now that she has dumped me I have truly been conned. I feel like she has all the power and is laughing at me – EVERY SINGLE DAY. All that I can hope for is getting more sleep, which i have been, and hopefully getting over her one day.
Hello dyingdad,
Get milo to tell you her grey rock techniques……..a particular favourite of mine is when she’s on the phone trying really hard to think of an excuse to end the call pronto……sorry honey, must dash the dog has a boil on it’s a**e that needs lancing. Or my all time fave …….when you get some really tough steak. Milo beats “the holy crapola out of it!
One of the fantastic aspects of this community…….the humour is awesome!
Sebbo, I know exactly what you mean. But keep in mind that we are not fools for letting this happen. We were targeted victims by a proffessional con. They live to decieve. Thinking this was your fault for allowing it to happen would be like thinking that being robbed at gun point was your fault. They are cold and only care about themselves. Further more, she probably isn’t laughing about it as she probably doesn’t even understand the devastation she caused you. I know it’s not easy and you can only do this when your ready, but try to concentrate on you, and moving forward rather than trying to figure out what happened or how. Your concious mind will likely never understand the mind of the sociopath. I don’t think rationality applies.
Take care and good luck.
Dyingdad
Thank you for your words of support.
I am at a loss for words. I really am.
I cant understand why she would be so cruel
and leave me on my own with no reasons.
Its terrible. I’ve tried making contact but
unfortunately she has placed me under the
threat of a restraining order so I’m “locked in”.
I feel like a prisoner trapped in mental torture.
I really want to escape but how? She is a cruel
predator and she would be happy to see me
go through the confusion of finding out the answers – even though there are 1000 answers to choose
from. Mutiple choice seems to be the exam that
Sociopaths choose. They also see their victims as
multiple choices unfortunately.
So true. They keep you too confused inside your own head, and the her and now, you are unable to see the big picture. Again, I can’t stress enough the importance of not trying to rationalize anything they do or have done. You didn’t do anything to deserve it despite what she would have you believe. Instead, learn about the psychopathic brain and how they operate. When you see how remarkably similar they are and how they operate, it makes it much easier to understand. There are many other links at the to of this page that may help with this. Remember, the only thing you’re guilty of is caring. And that’s a positive thing. You were a target. Educating yourself here about the red flags will also greatly diminish the chance of you being successfully targeted by one of these predators again in the future.
To Emotional Void,
You worded it perfectly. Hot/cold to keep me hooked in. Jim kept his distance from me to get me to chase him. Then he would “distance” himself at night and on weekends. It drove me crazy. I would have been done with him sooner, but he would chase me down Monday. He bullied me into submission. He would drive over to my house in a rage. cause i didn’t answer the phone. He would storm into my house and scream at me. He called me names and accused me of thinking “I’m too good” to pick up the phone.
I broke up with that guy two years ago. And, I’m still talking about it! Oh, the damage he caused me!
In reading comments today, I see the same theme for basically all the issues paths bring into our lives….the inability to grasp that *yes*, no matter what you believed, it was a lie. Even if you truly believe that they cared at any pt, any pt at all, they did not. They don’t have the capacity. The most they could possibly muster is an attraction for you because they want to f you (6000% mechanical) and/or because you have something they want to mimic or steal in some way.
We all know this intellectually. It’s that seed that they instill in the *right* people. Again, I will say, though quite ill, they have the uncanny capacity to choose exactly the right people to invade. If they make a mistake, well, those folks are *not* on this thread. I’m sure this happens.
Being unable to believe they didn’t love you and do not give a rat’s patoot about you, is horrendously difficult for some people to see. I read it on this thread each and every time I come out here. I feel the same way…thinking about some of the things the the path in my life said and did. And we were never together….just worked in the same office.
I can honestly say that I truly despise this creature but he is still deeply rooted in my mind and soul (whatever that is). For me, my work is around exorcising him from me so that my feelings towards him are completely and entirely apathetic. A non-issue.
Whatever it is they do, we seem to believe they cared when we KNOW they do not have that capacity….is confused thinking; the angel on one shoulder reminding us these are just very very sick people, expecting them to care about us is like asking the blind to see. On the other shoulder is the devil, telling us that we know in our hearts they cared, of course they cared. This constant (is this the cog dis I keep reading about?) confusion of truth and self-deception is crazy-making and using up valuable time.
BTW, I am trying to find Fishead the movie in its entirety. But can only find two 5 or 6 min. fragments of it. Can anyway direct me?
Thx