I recently received email from a woman whom we’ll call Adriana:
I am told I am a very beautiful, intelligent, fun, woman, but that is all subjective. I am 61 years old but pass for late 40’s; good genes. I have been divorced for 10 years and engaged once during that time. I have dated so many men and feel that I have no purpose because I can’t find “him.” I don’t find most men attractive don’t have chemistry with them and I don’t want to settle. I have not been successful in love at all and have tried to look within myself to see my faults but the truth is I just want to love and be loved.
Anyway, I am so tired of dating and getting my hopes up each time I meet someone I really am attracted to. I was setting up a booth for a trade show and a man from the booth a few down came by and gave me a bottle of water (he is a manager for a water company) and I said thanks and did not really pay much attention to him ”¦ he was ok looking.
The next day he was all dressed up looked so nice and he came to my booth looked me dead in the eyes and said “so where are you taking me to lunch?” I was so charmed by his approach and of course we ended up having lunch and then went out that night, but he conned me into dinner than back to his apt. Where he put the move on me. I am a savvy woman, but I must have been stupid. We spent the weekend together and he began to change plans on me, would get all emotional and cry but I never saw any tears, anyway bottom line is he is a liar, he never asked me for money ever, but the rest of the stuff on your sociopath list he is guilty of.
Everything is about HIM AND ONLY HIM, I think his cold hot actions were to throw me off and keep me under his control. Anyway my question is how could I have such deep feelings for this man I have known for two weeks, and if he is only like eight out of your 10 markers does that mean he is not a sociopath? He has done so much damage to me that I prayed to die. I feel worthless, unworthy, lonely, and I still miss the jerk.
I tried to level with him and told him no more games, I wanted to be loved and he said he could not give me that now. That was the first honest thing he said to me I think.
Please help me figure out if he is or is not a sociopath ”¦
Adriana’s first question was, “How can I have such deep feelings for this man I have known for two weeks?” The answer: Adriana was the target of calculated seduction.
She didn’t provide a lot of detail about her interaction. But a man who walks up and says, “Where are you taking me to lunch?” has obviously targeted her. So I assume he also employed the rest of the strategies in the sociopath’s playbook, such as love bombing and the sudden soul mates tactic. I explain them all in my book, Red Flags of Love Fraud—10 signs you’re dating a sociopath. The bottom line is that for two weeks, Adriana was probably subject to over-the-top attention, and she responded.
About her second question—If Adriana saw eight out of the 10 Red Flags of Love Fraud, then that’s warning enough. It doesn’t matter if the guy doesn’t completely qualify as a sociopath, he certainly qualifies as bad news, and that’s exactly what I told her.
Emotional void
But reading this email, I was more concerned about Adriana’s frame of mind. She came out and said, “I feel that I have no purpose because I can’t find ‘him.'”
This is precisely the type of emotional void that a sociopath will happily step into.
I am not criticizing Adriana. I know exactly how she feels, because I once felt the same way. I was smart, successful, attractive, looked younger than my years—and none of that made any difference to me because I was without a partner.
The emptiness in my heart was certainly palpable to me—and perhaps to the sociopath as well. James Montgomery quickly figured out that I was an easy target. He complimented me, poured on the attention, proclaimed I was the woman he’d been waiting for all his life, painted a shimmering picture of how wonderful our life together would be—and I swallowed it all, hook, line and sinker.
Vulnerabilities
Sociopaths specialize in preying on lonely people. So if you are walking around with a big hole in your heart instead of the fulfillment of love, imagine that you are also walking around with a big, red target tattooed on your forehead. KNOW THAT YOU ARE VULNERABLE.
Sociopaths have an uncanny ability to sense emptiness. For this reason, if you feel lonely, it is critically important that you know the Red Flags of Love Fraud. Because sociopaths all seem to use exactly the same strategies and tactics, I’m beginning to believe that involvements with these destructive individuals are totally preventable, if you know what to look for, and, if you spot the signs, you get out.
But you also need to know yourself. Sociopaths target vulnerabilities, and there are many more vulnerabilities besides loneliness. You can be overly trusting. You can be wounded from past betrayals. You can be suffering from grief.
Vulnerabilities are not necessarily flaws. We are all vulnerable in some way. It’s part of being human. In fact, we must allow ourselves to be vulnerable in order to have a fulfilling relationship. But we must recognize that vulnerabilities also leave us open to exploitation by sociopaths.
Red Flags of Love Fraud Workbook
To help you become aware of your vulnerabilities, and recognize when someone is trying to take advantage of you, I’ve put together a companion for my new book called the Red Flags of Love Fraud Workbook.
It’s a small book—only 40 pages—with checklists and questions to ask yourself, and spaces to record your answers. Its purpose is to enable you to think carefully about your internal reality, so you can strengthen your resistance to predators. And if you’ve already been snagged by a sociopath, answering the questions will help you figure out how it happened, and what you have to do to get out of the involvement.
The Workbook will be available exclusively in the Lovefraud Store, and will be free with the purchase of the printed version of Red Flags of Love Fraud.
The key to keeping sociopaths out of your life is to know that they exist, know the warning signs, and know yourself. The two Red Flags of Love Fraud books give you the tools you need to stay safe and healthy.
still reeling:
http://www.fisheadmovie.com/
Watch #1 and Watch #2 on the left side.
Still reeling,
Very well said. One of the things that I’ve observed is how incredibly alike they are. The things they do, the things they say, the patterns in their lifestyle… For those of us who know, we could almost predict how they will behave and react in most situations, even if we’ve never even met them. They’re almost predictable.
Another thing I’ve noticed is as many others have said, unless you’re been there, you don’t get it. You can’t get it. But there is more to this. It seems the sub-concious mind picks up on these ques aswell.
An example of what I mean is my mother. She saw right through my ex’s mask. It’s as if it were transparent to her. She has always seem her as fake and without warmth, while everyone else thought she was great.
What I hadn’t realized was why she was so intuitive.
When she was much younger, she had many run ins including sexual adult and attempted rape by a sadistic psychopath, her uncle. I believe it’s because of their alikeness that she was able to see my ex for exactly what she is immediately. Kinda freaky. I feel this is something that definatly deserves more investigation.
Dyingdad:
I am extremely intuitive almost to the point of being somewhat psychic and can normally see right through people also, but I did not see it at all with the spath…this must mean he is reeeaallly good at what he does…extremely conning…scary.
I know exactly what you mean. I still watch my ex do it on a daily basis. No one has the slightest clue about the act she puts on.
I agree. It’s extremely scary to see how someone can lie so convincingly.
Dyingdad,
That is very interesting what you said about your mother. I think that is a very real phenomenon for some people who have been spathed and lived to tell about it (I mean, those of us who are not so much endlessly repeating, but perhaps finally it sinks in and we don’t have to repeat any more… kind of the awakening).
So your mom must have learned this lesson (the hard way) a long time ago, and she applies it now.
Was she the only one who got your ex, from the get-go? What that must have been like for you (if so), to have your mom not be very accepting of your wife… we hear about things like that all the time in advice columns, about people not liking a chosen spouse.
For me, I have run into the fake and without-warmth people all my life, but I never connected it with sociopathy or anything to be very wary of — until quite recently. Now… I could be wrong and ask me again in another 20 years, but I think I can spot ’em quite well. The red flags are screamingly obvious to me, now, whereas before I really was more or less blind to them. It is a weird thing, to think about this… how blind I was before, and how much more aware I am now.
I’m glad you brought this up — it is very interesting.
20years, I thought this was very interesting also. It just kind of grabbed me.
And to answer your question, she was one of only two people who truly saw her. The other was my 12yo niece. And no, it didn’t add any pressure to the relationship. You see, my mom is my absolute best friend. We talk for hours and hours on the phone. (we live 2500 miles apart). But she is always very supportive of me and my decisions, no matter what they are. Also for a long time, she kept her feelings about my ex to herself, until I talked to her about it. It was more intuitive, and therefore she didn’t know how to address it, if it was appropriate, or how to put her feelings into words. I love her so much and feel I am so blessed to have such a close relationship to my mom.
Wow, Dyingdad, you are so very lucky to have a mother like that. She sounds like a wonderful mom to have, not just when you were little but for all time.
Louise, thx, oh, ok…so it’s just about 11 – 13 min long total? I thought there was longer movie out there. I thought it was really good. Hope you’re doing ok.
Dyingdad, very good pts you’re making. Yes, since I’ve been on LF, I see how much alike these creatures are. I was always interested in J Dahmer and other socios but to me, they were devastatingly sick beyond the pale. Now, though the path in my life and others on this blog were not acting out to that extent as far as I know, I do see the similarities, even with the likes of Dahmer, Koresh, Jones, et al.
I feel somehow changed by this experience. As you indicated, knowing that these people are out there, (reading about them on line, watching that Fishead link, for instance), was shocking to me…especially the fact that they are so prevalent in everyday life. I wonder about some of my friends, even fam members, even myself at times. I think the extra sensitivity to this behavior has made me a little paranoid and I hope as time goes by, I will be able to set things back in perspective.
As I look back, I know that I dated at least 1 of these creeps. Thankfully, though I didn’t realize he was socio until my recent experience, (no internet back then!!) I had the support of many who knew him and let me know after my experience that he was “crazy”, followed a similar pattern with many women and it was not me. I could not figure this guy’s brutal sadism out. However, on the + sides of things, I got over it right away and no fallout. Maybe too much info is not a good idea. I just realized he was nuts and that was enough!
I agree with 20 yrs and anyone else who said your mom is amazing. She is one of those kinds of people we all strive to be or become….who use adversity to be better and more loving and giving people…though I would bet she was always strong and loving. I’m so glad you can get some comfort from someone who loves you so much. And that she isn’t telling you how right she was and how you should have listened to her, ad nauseum…..wow. That you do not need.
You are correct, if you haven’t been there, it would be very difficult to “get it.” Even sharing with wonderful friends, only one got it and that’s because it reminded her of a guy she used to date who was kind of crazy in a hippy, motorcycle way, planned all these cool things with her, showed up for *some* of them, was very intensely enamored with her, then would just drop out of her life for weeks on end…only to show up as if nothing had happened. And he was mean.
Dyingdad, please stop dying…you are going to be ok…I am very sorry for what life has handed you. Hang in there – I can tell you are going to be OK….you are very intuitive and willing to see this thing for what it is…an illness on your ex’s part. I can tell that for you, things are going to improve. Peace to you.
Thank you Still reeling. She truly is the most wonderful person I know and is a role model for me.
Now as for the name. Lol. I’m not so much dying because of the hurt inflicted on me but instead, watching three innocent little victims who are so helpless. And my role as a parent is to protect them, and I can’t.
What’s worse is I put them in this predicament as they were living soly with me about a year and a half ago, and I may have had a good shot at legal custody. But just weeks before court, her boyfriend got arrested for domestic assault and she was on the street. I made the mistake of pittying her, and I was reeled back in.
I just so regret that decision. Damn it, why do I have to be so compassionate? Oh yeah, cause I’m human, and not a SOCIOPATH!!! Lol.
still reeling:
Sorry…go to the left side where it says where to see; click on that. Then you will click on the high def version. Password is fhmovie. It’s over an hour long. Hope this helps. Let me know if you need help.