I recently received email from a woman whom we’ll call Adriana:
I am told I am a very beautiful, intelligent, fun, woman, but that is all subjective. I am 61 years old but pass for late 40’s; good genes. I have been divorced for 10 years and engaged once during that time. I have dated so many men and feel that I have no purpose because I can’t find “him.” I don’t find most men attractive don’t have chemistry with them and I don’t want to settle. I have not been successful in love at all and have tried to look within myself to see my faults but the truth is I just want to love and be loved.
Anyway, I am so tired of dating and getting my hopes up each time I meet someone I really am attracted to. I was setting up a booth for a trade show and a man from the booth a few down came by and gave me a bottle of water (he is a manager for a water company) and I said thanks and did not really pay much attention to him ”¦ he was ok looking.
The next day he was all dressed up looked so nice and he came to my booth looked me dead in the eyes and said “so where are you taking me to lunch?” I was so charmed by his approach and of course we ended up having lunch and then went out that night, but he conned me into dinner than back to his apt. Where he put the move on me. I am a savvy woman, but I must have been stupid. We spent the weekend together and he began to change plans on me, would get all emotional and cry but I never saw any tears, anyway bottom line is he is a liar, he never asked me for money ever, but the rest of the stuff on your sociopath list he is guilty of.
Everything is about HIM AND ONLY HIM, I think his cold hot actions were to throw me off and keep me under his control. Anyway my question is how could I have such deep feelings for this man I have known for two weeks, and if he is only like eight out of your 10 markers does that mean he is not a sociopath? He has done so much damage to me that I prayed to die. I feel worthless, unworthy, lonely, and I still miss the jerk.
I tried to level with him and told him no more games, I wanted to be loved and he said he could not give me that now. That was the first honest thing he said to me I think.
Please help me figure out if he is or is not a sociopath ”¦
Adriana’s first question was, “How can I have such deep feelings for this man I have known for two weeks?” The answer: Adriana was the target of calculated seduction.
She didn’t provide a lot of detail about her interaction. But a man who walks up and says, “Where are you taking me to lunch?” has obviously targeted her. So I assume he also employed the rest of the strategies in the sociopath’s playbook, such as love bombing and the sudden soul mates tactic. I explain them all in my book, Red Flags of Love Fraud—10 signs you’re dating a sociopath. The bottom line is that for two weeks, Adriana was probably subject to over-the-top attention, and she responded.
About her second question—If Adriana saw eight out of the 10 Red Flags of Love Fraud, then that’s warning enough. It doesn’t matter if the guy doesn’t completely qualify as a sociopath, he certainly qualifies as bad news, and that’s exactly what I told her.
Emotional void
But reading this email, I was more concerned about Adriana’s frame of mind. She came out and said, “I feel that I have no purpose because I can’t find ‘him.'”
This is precisely the type of emotional void that a sociopath will happily step into.
I am not criticizing Adriana. I know exactly how she feels, because I once felt the same way. I was smart, successful, attractive, looked younger than my years—and none of that made any difference to me because I was without a partner.
The emptiness in my heart was certainly palpable to me—and perhaps to the sociopath as well. James Montgomery quickly figured out that I was an easy target. He complimented me, poured on the attention, proclaimed I was the woman he’d been waiting for all his life, painted a shimmering picture of how wonderful our life together would be—and I swallowed it all, hook, line and sinker.
Vulnerabilities
Sociopaths specialize in preying on lonely people. So if you are walking around with a big hole in your heart instead of the fulfillment of love, imagine that you are also walking around with a big, red target tattooed on your forehead. KNOW THAT YOU ARE VULNERABLE.
Sociopaths have an uncanny ability to sense emptiness. For this reason, if you feel lonely, it is critically important that you know the Red Flags of Love Fraud. Because sociopaths all seem to use exactly the same strategies and tactics, I’m beginning to believe that involvements with these destructive individuals are totally preventable, if you know what to look for, and, if you spot the signs, you get out.
But you also need to know yourself. Sociopaths target vulnerabilities, and there are many more vulnerabilities besides loneliness. You can be overly trusting. You can be wounded from past betrayals. You can be suffering from grief.
Vulnerabilities are not necessarily flaws. We are all vulnerable in some way. It’s part of being human. In fact, we must allow ourselves to be vulnerable in order to have a fulfilling relationship. But we must recognize that vulnerabilities also leave us open to exploitation by sociopaths.
Red Flags of Love Fraud Workbook
To help you become aware of your vulnerabilities, and recognize when someone is trying to take advantage of you, I’ve put together a companion for my new book called the Red Flags of Love Fraud Workbook.
It’s a small book—only 40 pages—with checklists and questions to ask yourself, and spaces to record your answers. Its purpose is to enable you to think carefully about your internal reality, so you can strengthen your resistance to predators. And if you’ve already been snagged by a sociopath, answering the questions will help you figure out how it happened, and what you have to do to get out of the involvement.
The Workbook will be available exclusively in the Lovefraud Store, and will be free with the purchase of the printed version of Red Flags of Love Fraud.
The key to keeping sociopaths out of your life is to know that they exist, know the warning signs, and know yourself. The two Red Flags of Love Fraud books give you the tools you need to stay safe and healthy.
Well, Dupey, I met mine volunteering and he was doing homeless outreach, so they’re not all online.
Having said this, I have no intention of going online until (if and when) my Cluster B radar (don’t want Ns, Ss, Ps, etc) is so finely honed it’s safe.
As to loneliness and vulnerabilities, I don’t expect mine will ever go away. If this means I don’t have another date, so be it. I simply will NEVER go through that experience again, and I’m still not over that experience.
The last thing my CB (Cluster B) did to me was to tell me I’d called him and asked him to take my handgun from me. Well, considering I was being stalked at the time, why on earth would I EVER do such a thing? The point is it was a lie, a bizarre lie or fabrication and I still wonder why, but whatever. I called him on it and never did hear back.
I’m lucky I only have ONE psychopath stalking me at a time. And this stalker is a bonified psychopath. The good part is that I had no romantic ties. The bad part is he’s a psychopath and just cut a wire in my back yard last night. I was just starting to hope it was over, but nope.
skylaaaaaar, of course. sigh. devious tricksters tearing our guts open and making soft little nests for themselves to shit in and grow, distorting our beings.
i am going to spend some time trying to figure out what she grew in me and what she coaxed out of me. the reality is that i think they really can grow things in us. the depth of their evil is quite honestly, astonishing.
skylar said: ‘By comparing us to others, they create a sense of shame, of not measuring up. The intent is to seed envy in us, start rivalries among others and generally produce drama.’
JSJ was ALL OVER THIS!
kathy0707: thanks for your post. Yah, they are everywhere but I found they are especially prevalent online. Right, I will NEVER go online for another date, ever again, as long as I live. I don’t feel EVER safe. Not ever again.
I don’t think mine is ever going to go away either, kathy…it sure doesn’t seem that way at least. I think “I” am the one who has to go and just disappear before he finally murders me. I don’t think I will ever be over this experience. I put this “THING” off for years and then suddenly, he wormed his way into my life and we were romantically involved for a brief time, until I found out he was married and lying to me for four of the ten years I knew him. After that, the webs just started unwinding more and more and more until I found out things that would make your hair stand on end, literally.
I want no one like that around me. I would be always sleeping with one eye open. I would rather be alone than to sell myself out that short.
Yes, I understand what you are going through. My “IT” has been diagnosed three times as a psychopath and judging by the way he is – he is so violent, I absolutely do believe it. Just ugly violent. He manipulates with charm until he doesn’t get what he wants and then throws fits and starts beating and threatening.
I have lots of protection around me; however, if he wanted to, I am sure he could get through. It is always a constant looking over my shoulder and jumping at the phone when it rings or someone knocks on the door.
I haven’t said a peep to him in over a month now although the stalking continues. I do think the only ‘revenge’ we have is NO RESPONSE. They love attention, whether it’s good or bad. If you just refuse to play the game with them anymore, they move onto their next victim. That’s how they live: victimizing others.
They are always saying things to try tripping us up and making us feel like we are the insane ones and it isn’t us. They lie about everything and anything and are not to be trusted; not ever. Every thing they say and do is a lie. They are plastic and not sincere in anything. They only look out for themselves and don’t like losing. They don’t like being told no.
I hope you report your cut wire to the police department and that you start keeping a log of all of these ‘mysterious happenings’. It will come in handy later on, if you need it. I would definitely make the local authorities aware of it and your situation. Better to be safe than sorry; trust me, I KNOW.
I am just trashed, inside and out, psychologically and physically, kathy. I have just so had it with everything anymore. The only place I find that I get ANY understanding for any of this, is right here, on Love Fraud. As hard as my therapists try to understand, they just don’t really ‘get it’, I don’t think. They all just want me to shut up and go sit down somewhere and take these pills so they don’t have to be bothered, I think. In the meantime, I am struggling and fighting for my life over here.
I just feel so all alone anymore with all of this.
Too much, sometimes, to come out of.
Take care of yourself and stay safe kathy0707…
If you ever fear for your safety, go to the authorities. Psychopaths are not to be trusted. I KNOW.
Blessings of peace and safety, kathy…
Dupey
Dupey,
I can relate and maybe the thing to do is to leave and disappear. I went so far as to consult a PI but he told me he’d find me no matter what I did (the PI). So…I cooled to that idea.
In your case though maybe it would help. I am not really afraid for myself, mostly for my animals. I have every tool I need (and a talent for aiming well) to feel like I can take care of myself should anyone break in here. I have the alarm system, the dogs, etc. Of course, shooting at the range (and with professional instructors) is different than at 3 a.m. IRL alone. Thing is, NO ONE ever wants to have to use force, but I’ve accepted that if my life is on the line I will. I’ll also be dialing 911 or pressing my two panic buttons at the same time (which automatically sends the police). Even in self defense, even in your own home, you’re still charged. The idea is to let the stalkers know (and I have) that I am well equipped to defend myself so they never want to go there. I want no problems.
What is up with these types? Why can’t they just leave us alone and let us live our lives in peace?
As to the authorities, been there, done that. I’ll take a pic and document but I’m so tired of the stalking (and have so many pics and flash drives via my former CCTV system) that I’m just spent. I want a normal life. I am going to do what I can to protect my animals and not live in fear. I won’t give into the stalkers. They WANT me to change the wire, so I won’t. They WANT me to know they’ve been here, so I ignore it. Maybe in two years it will be over and I’ll be able to plant a tree without them killing it. Until then, I’ll just deal with no trees.
Dupey, I’d encourage you to find a GOOD therapist, one who is empathetic and will really listen. I have such a therapist and she gets all of it. She’s been a blessing and they are out there. Without her, I think I would have gone over the edge. You hang in there too and know that there are still good people (many on here) who do get things and want to help.
xoxo,
Kathy
kathy0707: i am starting to seriously considering just disappearing. i have places to go. but, you are right, they will find you where ever you go if they are that obsessed. This has been going on for ten years, why would it stop now? “I” am the one true love of his life…please……
i am not afraid to die but i am not letting him have it on a silver platter, either. know what i mean? i have a local authority response time to my place of one minute. and when they come to my apartment for any reason, they come by UNIT. they are aware of him and he is not welcome here. escorted out of town a couple times already.
yah, i am so disappointed in the assistance i have been finding. i feel so all alone anymore. i truly have nobody or nothing left. and all i really have to look forward to is my next heart attack, if things keep going like they are for me. and i know “IT” has caused this huge chain reaction in my life. like a 40 bazillion car pile up on the 101 going into Los Angeles….
Thank you for your encouragement and support, kathy…you have mine too. I guess things are what they are and will be what they will be. Just wish I didn’t have to go out, like this.
Dupey
I think sometimes you’re better off stayinig where you know your surroundings, have ties to the area and people who know you and know what the deal is to back you up. I know enough good ole boys that if needed they’d have words with my ex if needed.
Dupey, I’ve posted stats before (not sure if I have here), but you are unfortunately in that one percent. Stalking was broken down by percentage and those over five years and over more were rated by one percentage point (as in five to ten, ten to 20, 20 to 30 and 30 plus years or something like that. Anyway, you are in that unlucky one percent. I can’t recall the cutoff, but I do believe that once you hit five years you are in that one percent.
The good news is, that there is a chance that if you disappear he just might stop. It all depends and that is a very serious situation to weigh. Since you have a unit responding in one minute, I’d be careful to give that up. Law Enforcement (LE) doesn’t take stalking all that seriously, even though we now have Jan as Nat’l Stalking Awareness month. They are uneducated plus all laws differ in the 50 states so it gets tricky.
I hope you live in a state where you can own a gun (I never owned one in my life before and didn’t want one) and even if you don’t like them, they bring peace of mind. They do give you an added level of confidence. OH, and I almost forgot to add, get professional training. Know what you’re doing. Know the laws. If you don’t have one or don’t want one, at least have some wasp spray on hand at all times (will shoot 20 feet and disarm an attacker). There are baseballs bats, tazers, etc you can get. I think the idea is to have a plan as even one minute can make a difference.
Here is a tip I’ve learned about therapists. I call four or five and ask them for a few minutes of their time to screen them over the phone. If they won’t give me this, forget them. Then I bring up my most important issue and ask them what their philosophy is on it. If I like what I hear, I’ll schedule an appointment. No sense in making an appt if you can rule someone out (or in) in three minutes.
I’d suggest (if you can afford it, it would be money well spent) to go to a PI and ask him or her how to disappear. First read the book on it (called “How to Disappear”) and see if you could handle the required life style changes. All that has to change is everything.
I wish for you the best and I hope someday these sickos are locked up behind bars where they belong. In the meantime, take care of yourself and have a plan. Hugs.
Kathy
kathy0707: thanks for your post. I am in the one percent; hm? Like I was when I had my first heart surgery: I was that one in 100,000 allergic to integrelin and I almost bled to death on the operating table. That’s just my luck. Tell me more about that one percent, kathy0707…I am all ears and eyes.
If I disappear, “he just might stop”; hm? Right, I have such amazing back up here and “IT” knows it. I am really kind of hard pressed to relinquish that empowerment. “IT” does NOT want to be confronted like that again, but who is to say he wouldn’t attempt it? It’s very difficult getting in and out of my neighborhood without being noticed. TRULY. I do volunteer work for the police department and they happen to know my situation (have heard the death threats on the phone) and have acquainted themselves with him on a personal, up close, couple occasions already.
They take this kind of stalking VERY SERIOUSLY here, where I live. In fact, some of the threats he has made are ‘terroristic’ in nature. I could own a PFA and perhaps I do. What I like most of all is that there is a baseball bat that sits by my door and it would take nothing to defend myself with that…straight up between the legs without any warning or notification but I choose to not even answer the door and just call the law instead. Although I would get tremendous pleasure out of breaking his tool, I don’t think that would deter him and I would end up getting myself hurt. Can’t ‘dance’ like I used to, not anymore.
I do have pepper spray and I never go anywhere without my cellphone. I never go anywhere after dark and I don’t park next to vans in parking lots. I watch everyone and everything around me, all the time. As long as I stay within the city limits, I am relatively safe but still have a HUGE problem going outside for any reason. I am not terrified of him but I don’t believe I should serve my life up on a silver platter either. We were talking about paranoia, on another thread and why p-paths have such paranoia like they do…I think it’s from the ugly things they do to people. They don’t see it as their conscious trying to speak to them and they turn it into paranoia instead. Back to that self centered agenda.
Thanks for the reference: “How to Disappear”…I will check it out. I am sure I wouldn’t have any trouble at all disappearing but I find it so unjust that “I” have to do all this changing for some sicko that doesn’t have any common sense at all. I am not a well person and I don’t know how long I have.
He definitely needs to be behind bars and he is only LUCKY he isn’t there already for all the stuff he has done to me and to others that I know of. I am not the only ‘survivor’, I do know that. He thinks he is a real Casanova, ‘big hero man’, omnipotent and hates women. According to him, they are only for one thing. Everyone is meant to be used.
Oh yes, I always have a plan, kathy…thanks for reminding me. You can never hear that too much when you deal with a psychopath; trust me. Always a plan.
Hugs back; thanks for walking some of this journey with me.
I am very grateful for your understanding and for having you to ‘connect’ with. It’s comforting.
Dupey
National Stalking Resource Center link:
http://www.ncvc.org/src/main.aspx?dbID=DB_statistics195