I recently received email from a woman whom we’ll call Adriana:
I am told I am a very beautiful, intelligent, fun, woman, but that is all subjective. I am 61 years old but pass for late 40’s; good genes. I have been divorced for 10 years and engaged once during that time. I have dated so many men and feel that I have no purpose because I can’t find “him.” I don’t find most men attractive don’t have chemistry with them and I don’t want to settle. I have not been successful in love at all and have tried to look within myself to see my faults but the truth is I just want to love and be loved.
Anyway, I am so tired of dating and getting my hopes up each time I meet someone I really am attracted to. I was setting up a booth for a trade show and a man from the booth a few down came by and gave me a bottle of water (he is a manager for a water company) and I said thanks and did not really pay much attention to him ”¦ he was ok looking.
The next day he was all dressed up looked so nice and he came to my booth looked me dead in the eyes and said “so where are you taking me to lunch?” I was so charmed by his approach and of course we ended up having lunch and then went out that night, but he conned me into dinner than back to his apt. Where he put the move on me. I am a savvy woman, but I must have been stupid. We spent the weekend together and he began to change plans on me, would get all emotional and cry but I never saw any tears, anyway bottom line is he is a liar, he never asked me for money ever, but the rest of the stuff on your sociopath list he is guilty of.
Everything is about HIM AND ONLY HIM, I think his cold hot actions were to throw me off and keep me under his control. Anyway my question is how could I have such deep feelings for this man I have known for two weeks, and if he is only like eight out of your 10 markers does that mean he is not a sociopath? He has done so much damage to me that I prayed to die. I feel worthless, unworthy, lonely, and I still miss the jerk.
I tried to level with him and told him no more games, I wanted to be loved and he said he could not give me that now. That was the first honest thing he said to me I think.
Please help me figure out if he is or is not a sociopath ”¦
Adriana’s first question was, “How can I have such deep feelings for this man I have known for two weeks?” The answer: Adriana was the target of calculated seduction.
She didn’t provide a lot of detail about her interaction. But a man who walks up and says, “Where are you taking me to lunch?” has obviously targeted her. So I assume he also employed the rest of the strategies in the sociopath’s playbook, such as love bombing and the sudden soul mates tactic. I explain them all in my book, Red Flags of Love Fraud—10 signs you’re dating a sociopath. The bottom line is that for two weeks, Adriana was probably subject to over-the-top attention, and she responded.
About her second question—If Adriana saw eight out of the 10 Red Flags of Love Fraud, then that’s warning enough. It doesn’t matter if the guy doesn’t completely qualify as a sociopath, he certainly qualifies as bad news, and that’s exactly what I told her.
Emotional void
But reading this email, I was more concerned about Adriana’s frame of mind. She came out and said, “I feel that I have no purpose because I can’t find ‘him.'”
This is precisely the type of emotional void that a sociopath will happily step into.
I am not criticizing Adriana. I know exactly how she feels, because I once felt the same way. I was smart, successful, attractive, looked younger than my years—and none of that made any difference to me because I was without a partner.
The emptiness in my heart was certainly palpable to me—and perhaps to the sociopath as well. James Montgomery quickly figured out that I was an easy target. He complimented me, poured on the attention, proclaimed I was the woman he’d been waiting for all his life, painted a shimmering picture of how wonderful our life together would be—and I swallowed it all, hook, line and sinker.
Vulnerabilities
Sociopaths specialize in preying on lonely people. So if you are walking around with a big hole in your heart instead of the fulfillment of love, imagine that you are also walking around with a big, red target tattooed on your forehead. KNOW THAT YOU ARE VULNERABLE.
Sociopaths have an uncanny ability to sense emptiness. For this reason, if you feel lonely, it is critically important that you know the Red Flags of Love Fraud. Because sociopaths all seem to use exactly the same strategies and tactics, I’m beginning to believe that involvements with these destructive individuals are totally preventable, if you know what to look for, and, if you spot the signs, you get out.
But you also need to know yourself. Sociopaths target vulnerabilities, and there are many more vulnerabilities besides loneliness. You can be overly trusting. You can be wounded from past betrayals. You can be suffering from grief.
Vulnerabilities are not necessarily flaws. We are all vulnerable in some way. It’s part of being human. In fact, we must allow ourselves to be vulnerable in order to have a fulfilling relationship. But we must recognize that vulnerabilities also leave us open to exploitation by sociopaths.
Red Flags of Love Fraud Workbook
To help you become aware of your vulnerabilities, and recognize when someone is trying to take advantage of you, I’ve put together a companion for my new book called the Red Flags of Love Fraud Workbook.
It’s a small book—only 40 pages—with checklists and questions to ask yourself, and spaces to record your answers. Its purpose is to enable you to think carefully about your internal reality, so you can strengthen your resistance to predators. And if you’ve already been snagged by a sociopath, answering the questions will help you figure out how it happened, and what you have to do to get out of the involvement.
The Workbook will be available exclusively in the Lovefraud Store, and will be free with the purchase of the printed version of Red Flags of Love Fraud.
The key to keeping sociopaths out of your life is to know that they exist, know the warning signs, and know yourself. The two Red Flags of Love Fraud books give you the tools you need to stay safe and healthy.
You know, it’s interesting because I dated a sociopath … actually, I think I’ve dated more than one because my parents were sociopaths. Although I do have questions about the difference between a narcissist and a sociopath. Basically both view relationships as transactions where they are always trying to get something from the other person and will use any type of underhanded means to get it. But the other burning question is why my ex-boyfriends who are sociopaths continue to contact me even after the relationship ended years and years ago. I maintain no contact and keep it firm, but even blocking their email addresses doesn’t solve the problem because they just use other email addresses to get to you. Plus, the last one has been particularly sticky and even a year and half after breaking up, he is obsessed with knowing where I am (I have since moved to a few other countries for my work) and what I’m doing. I didn’t keep in touch with our mutual friends who, in the end, turned out to be his friends and to be just as opportunistic as him. Finally, I wonder about the statistics on sociopaths. As an American woman living in Latin American countries, I have run into quite a few people who are looking only to get something from me and usually it’s the people who are in the middle and upper classes, not the poorest of the poor. There’s some sort of sense of entitlement, especially regarding those who are visibly not Latino. Any information on that as well?
luzblanca82: I think our world is becoming more full of psychopaths/sociopaths/narcissists because the tide of morality has changed so much. People aren’t as ‘compassionate’ as we once were and it’s very sad.
All three are bad news. They all basically are the same, just some uglier than others. They don’t like ‘letting go’. I have had a psychopath ex lover stalking me for ten years now and it’s gotten really very old. Yet, with the threats, it’s kind of hard just walking by it all without notice.
The way it always is: not the poorest of the poor but those who don’t need it at all – the sharks of our world. I have no use for uncaring non compassionate people as I see them as a spawn of the devil.
“entitlement”….that’s the underlying purpose and attitude of these horrid people. They always feel entitled and I know one in particular that doesn’t stop no matter what until “IT” gets what it wants.
Read here, more, at the site…there is much to learn. Many read flags to see…be safe and take care. I wish you happiness and joy in your world. Travel safe.
Dupey
Dupey, I take it PFA is personal firearm? I think if my stalkers know I’m armed, I’m less likely to get “broken into” to get hurt.
I’ve gotten by decades just trusting my gut as to “who to know” and “who not to know.” Guess what? You have no control over who moves in your neighborhood, what coworkers you have, etc.
Anyway, sounds like you have a great situation (sorry, relatively speaking compared to the police not believing me at all and my being forced to move) going on and I would not give that up. I just would not.
Well, I took my pics, date stamped and all. Now I just kick back and wait I guess. Best wishes to both of us. I am happy you feel you can talk to me because, believe me, I understand!
Dupey,
You raise the issue of “entitlement.” I agree that is a real underpinning cause for this sociopathy. What do you think causes this? Nature vs. nurture? I guess I can read up on it, but just wondering what you think.
kathy
It’s genetic. Just as “temperament” is.
They proved that they have more “white matter” in the brain than normal people.
My xhusb and his father are carbon copies.
Hi Everyone…just checking in….going to sleep now….TTY another time.
kathy: yes , PFA=personal firearm. But, I do prefer my club. Oh yes, my stalker knows I am armed. That won’t matter.
That sucks the police wouldn’t believe you and you had to move. I am really grateful that I have such amazing back up here. Truly. Pisses spath off so much he is thinking about suing them. hahahaha
You would THINK that would be enough to keep him away but I am not so sure. I think that’s why the stalking continues from far away. HE IS TOO CHICKEN TO BRING IT OVER ANYMORE. The last time he did, he didn’t like the reception he got. Almost didn’t get to leave town.
Yes, they feel they are entitled to whatever they can scam from whomever. Their thinking is: if a person is stupid enough to give up whatever they are giving up to them, they deserve to have it. That is just their reasoning and I have heard “IT” say so before. That we all deserve whatever we get. If it was so bad, we would just get away from them.
Oh yes, entitlement is a huge issue for psychopaths.
I think it’s genetic and I think the rest of it comes from acquired traumas in their lives. That is what I think. GENETICS. Their ‘white matter’ and chemical make up is different than as in normal people, just like tobehappy says. It’s true.
I would suggest you watch this movie: FishHead the Movie. You can find it by googling it. It explains sociopathy to a perfection and one you really must see. It gives you a whole different perspective on this enigma.
Best wishes to you kathy0707, I will remember you in my prayers. You be careful and safe there; hear me? Thanks for being here to chat with me today and this evening. It helps me feel not so all alone. xxoo
Dupey
one joy, you said, well, a lot:
“devious tricksters tearing our guts open and making soft little nests for themselves to shit in and grow, distorting our beings.
….. the reality is that i think they really can grow things in us. the depth of their evil is quite honestly, astonishing.”
My experience was so tiny compared with most peoples’ on LF. Dupey, glad you sound better…hope you can find some peace, my friend. Same for everyone else who has to spend any time at all on these empty, evil beings.
The path in my life was very subtle in the way he handled me. He had so many problems by the time he finally hit on me, both with the job (“big” boss’blech), at home (hub and father of young child), *and* his women friends, he was unable to pay me much attention. He often told me he was in a fog. However, because they know their victims, he was able to push all the right buttons. Subtle, smooth. I used to tell him that and he’d just look at me with that slight smile. I was used to getting nothing stable from anyone, as he knew, so he gave very little and I enhanced it to fit what I wanted.
If I could just go back and change EVERYTHING I said to him once he snagged my heart. EVERYTHING!!! I can now think of so many responses that would have shown self-respect, but as you say, I believe he shot me thru the heart, brain and gut with something that just made me passive and stupid and accepting of all his shit.
I recall sending him a note once that said “You’ve made me feel so awesome.” Well he had but none of it made any sense. As was said earlier and very revelatory for me, they intuit what is most meaningful to you and dive right in. It only takes a few words. I’m guessing he knew this and how hungry I was for connection, so vulnerable after two lousy jobs and other things he prob heard while sitting next to me for a couple of months.
Anyway, I’m sick of it all and don’t really care if their sense of gross entitlement is nature or nurture or both. I’ve dated pigs like this before, it’s just that I’m older now and have been married so long, it all took me by surprise and I was ripe for the picking. Just glad we never did anything physical. And so glad I did not take him up on his invitation to “visit” him when he found out my husband was out of town. Boy I got an email in the snap of a finger, “Come visit me.” I am convinced I may have been raped, killed or treated like dirt. He prob would have gotten a “call” after he could see he wasn’t getting any (no way-I wasn’t ready for that for about 100 reasons) and his wife of someone was on her way unexpectedly so I’d have to leave. Who knows. In a way, I wish I would have gone – I’ll always be curious, but I am hoping that fades away too. Even if it had been fun, that would just make things worse now. Maybe I would have found things out that would have made me hate him…well, maybe, maybe, maybe…I will never know.
Realization when I woke up today:
I do know that he wants no part of me. I do also know that he was attracted to me enough to get himself in deeper shit at work and possibly at home. I know that he is sick as he was deathly afraid he’d get fired, but still couldnt’ control his impulses to screw up his own life. In a sense, even tho he hurt innocent people, including his own kid, I don’t think we can possibly understand what the f is going on in a path’s head. I do not forgive him but I know that I have to let him go and let him fade as I have others in the past.
I have dated some vile lads in my time, one in fact that sticks out the most had the same name as Godzilla. He was in school, to become an LCSW, no surprise there, earning credits
by interning at a place where I was volunteering. He hit on me and boy, it was like a brick thru the heart. I was warned in advance but let it happen anyway. After we had sex, he started treated me strangely, calling and being jealous because I had gone to work out, then disappearing for days at a time. Once, we were planning to go to an amazing fundraiser and he took me out the night before. We were supposed to stay together (I was in my late 20’s – long, long time age but the experience is as sharp as if it were yesterday) that night but instead, he asked me to make him something to eat, which I did, and he inhaled it, then said, “I’m going home, I need my rest, oh and I’m not picking you up in the AM. I’ll just see you there.”
I begged him to say (how embarrassing), cried all night, then went to the f.raiser the next day. He completely ignored me.
When I was doing my volunteer shift a week or so later, the girl working with me told me he was a huge shitheel and that he tried to date and f all the women there that he was attracted to. That very evening, he showed up, knelt down and asked me to please let him explain, apologized. I whispered in his ear that if he wanted to keep his balls, he had better get up, walk away and NEVER approach me again.
I had not one single feeling for him after I realized what a pig he was.
BTW, I did not know he was a path nor did I think about his being sick…just a huge asshole loser. As I look back, it’s obvious….he had all the signs of a socio. I *never* had sex with anyone on the first, 2nd, 3rd or any other particular date in a budding relationship. It happened when I was ready and felt I could trust the others person. This guy had me in bed in 15 min. But I got over him so easily…..not so with Godzilla.
Perhaps I should have gone to visit him. I may have seen a side that completely turned me off. Also he was very diff from the other Godzilla of my 20’s and well, I was diff too.
All this to say, I am ready to get there….I want Godzilla II to fade out of existence for me. I don’t care what or who he is. It doesn’t help in my situation. I want my life and mind back.
Whatever it takes, I felt it this morining. He cared, he tried, he didn’t conquer, but he did hurt me. I need to let it go.
Hugs.
still reeling – there must be theme music in the air this week…i have been looking into the past at the people and situations that left me feeling ashamed and used.
I hear that tiny voice of curiosity in your writing. the one that wants to know what if. i’d have a reasonable talk with it about ‘what if’, and include all the extra suffering you would have endured, and the possibility that you may not have escaped.
those tiny voices are our attachment – regardless if they serve to show us as a hero (trying to re-empower ourselves (good line about the balls wit godzilla I , btw!) or if they wonder how if the other would be different if ‘we just…’
And if it doesn’t listen to reason, club it into submission. 🙂 But really, i find i have to sometimes just turn that voice off if it isn’t making sense.
all the best,
one joy
still reeling: thank you for your post. Wow, you really hit the nail on the head when you said:
“….Anyway, I’m sick of it all and don’t really care if their sense of gross entitlement is nature or nurture or both.
I’ve dated pigs like this before…”
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PIG being the operative and important word…
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You then finished with:
“I want Godzilla II to fade out of existence for me. I don’t care what or who he is. It doesn’t help in my situation. I want my life and mind back. Whatever it takes, I felt it this morning. He cared, he tried, he didn’t conquer, but he did hurt me. I need to let it go. ”
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I have been truly feeling like THAT for the past 3 years and it has just been a lingering cyst in my life. I have actually had people tell me that I should ‘have him off’d’. That’s not the way I fly. But I can relate to your final intense disdain for “IT” the same way I do mine.
Like I told “IT” at ‘good bye’: “I could take you to court and sue the ass right off of you for the criminal things you have done to me, you know that, right? But you know what? I don’t have time to waste anymore of my life on you. You just aren’t worth it. I wash my hands of you. You leave me alone and don’t ever come back now. IF you DO come back, we will deal with you. I am finished with your ugliness and your disrespect. Finished with all your lies and deceptions. You will always be alone in the end because you are an ugly person who only cares about himself. You are not worth my time nor attentions. You leave me alone and I leave you alone; got it?” Even a stupid p-path would take that offer, especially knowing all the stuff they did to you. It wasn’t a forgiveness but it WAS a ‘letting go’; an ‘absolution’ more for myself than for “IT”. As I told it: “…there will be no forgiveness because some things in this life, there is no forgiveness for, but this is a new beginning. hope you truly make yours work for you. Blame someone else now. Torture someone else because I am finished with you.”
And, I meant it and still do. The RESULTING psychological effects from all of this ‘roadshow’ has severely damaged me to the point that I have been almost non functional for the past 3-4 years. I have been in non stop counseling right along with trying to recover from my heart attack that almost killed me. “IT” took full advantage of my heart attack to try pushing me into another and final one. “Murder by proxy”. I can plainly see that. When one thing wouldn’t work for him, because I was too strong, he tried something else but that psychological toying and manipulating and psychologically being cruel was always an ingrained part of him. Always. Just like his propensity for violent behavior. He has never been with any woman that he has not beaten. Period. And, from researching him, it’s true. I have heard many stories from different people; ‘survivors’. He is that way to everyone in his life until they get tired of it and throw him out.
These people have no conscious or sense of grace about them at all. It’s all about what THEY WANT and they could care less about anyone else. I know that is so now. I accepted, quite recently, that this was no ‘acquaintance’; no ‘friend’; no ‘lover’; this was just exactly what IT IS: a psychopathic stalker. I accept it and see it now. I called “IT” out and told it I knew and that if it didn’t stop we would make charges stick and I mean every word. More than dying, they fear jail and being confined where they can’t run their games on others. He already has charges on him elsewhere and it’s only a matter of time before he does time in jail.
I think they will eventually fade as long you don’t give them any further attention. Their whole thing is the attention. However, “I” don’t give MY IT any attention and yet, it continues to stalk me. What’s with that? I think “IT” thinks that I am going to just keep coming back for more and that just isn’t the case anymore.
You cannot help anyone that doesn’t want to help themselves. This ‘being’ has no interest in being anything other than what “IT” is. It is never going to change. They are bottom dwellers, like in the ocean: they move along and suck everything in off the bottom and what they can’t digest, they expel back out into the water and continue on. I know you know the kind of fish I am talking about…they live on the bottom of the ocean floor and suck everything in just like a vacuum cleaner. What they can eat, they digest and what they can’t, they expel. Just like a psychopath and even a sociopath.
I realized just about two years ago now,completely, that if I didn’t remove myself from this ‘roadshow’, “I” was going to end up dead. Seriously. It’s not easy being smooth talked by one of the best there is ….. what a dreadful man. “PIG” doesn’t fit everything it is.
You got the right thought pattern going on, still reeling:
“I WANT MY LIFE AND MIND BACK.”
Thanks for sharing…I can see they are all the same.
Strange that so many ‘things’ can be genetically altered the way they have; isn’t it? Just mind boggling…actually.
Thank you for your wishes steel reeling…I am trying to find better for myself but my medical condition and psychological state just isn’t letting it come real easy anymore. xxoo
Dupey
One Joy
The other day I posed a question on this site. Louise came on and said she wondered the same thing.
My question was this. I have broken up with men in the past. And while painful, NOTHING compares to the pain associated with THIS relationship. WHY is this the case?
But in your post, I think I found the answer. I am in pain because of my SENSE OF SHAME and because I was USED.
I can’t undo the things I did, and I am shamed of them. My spath drew me to the dark side. I am ashamed. And, this guy used me over and over again, and I took it, blindly and willingly. And I keep having cog/dis where I’m tempted to call him and say, “really? you don’t miss me? You don’t love me? What is wrong with you?” Bleh!!!
I am sure somebody can tease apart these concepts better than I can. I am really not sure I understand it.
Athena