I recently received email from a woman whom we’ll call Adriana:
I am told I am a very beautiful, intelligent, fun, woman, but that is all subjective. I am 61 years old but pass for late 40’s; good genes. I have been divorced for 10 years and engaged once during that time. I have dated so many men and feel that I have no purpose because I can’t find “him.” I don’t find most men attractive don’t have chemistry with them and I don’t want to settle. I have not been successful in love at all and have tried to look within myself to see my faults but the truth is I just want to love and be loved.
Anyway, I am so tired of dating and getting my hopes up each time I meet someone I really am attracted to. I was setting up a booth for a trade show and a man from the booth a few down came by and gave me a bottle of water (he is a manager for a water company) and I said thanks and did not really pay much attention to him ”¦ he was ok looking.
The next day he was all dressed up looked so nice and he came to my booth looked me dead in the eyes and said “so where are you taking me to lunch?” I was so charmed by his approach and of course we ended up having lunch and then went out that night, but he conned me into dinner than back to his apt. Where he put the move on me. I am a savvy woman, but I must have been stupid. We spent the weekend together and he began to change plans on me, would get all emotional and cry but I never saw any tears, anyway bottom line is he is a liar, he never asked me for money ever, but the rest of the stuff on your sociopath list he is guilty of.
Everything is about HIM AND ONLY HIM, I think his cold hot actions were to throw me off and keep me under his control. Anyway my question is how could I have such deep feelings for this man I have known for two weeks, and if he is only like eight out of your 10 markers does that mean he is not a sociopath? He has done so much damage to me that I prayed to die. I feel worthless, unworthy, lonely, and I still miss the jerk.
I tried to level with him and told him no more games, I wanted to be loved and he said he could not give me that now. That was the first honest thing he said to me I think.
Please help me figure out if he is or is not a sociopath ”¦
Adriana’s first question was, “How can I have such deep feelings for this man I have known for two weeks?” The answer: Adriana was the target of calculated seduction.
She didn’t provide a lot of detail about her interaction. But a man who walks up and says, “Where are you taking me to lunch?” has obviously targeted her. So I assume he also employed the rest of the strategies in the sociopath’s playbook, such as love bombing and the sudden soul mates tactic. I explain them all in my book, Red Flags of Love Fraud—10 signs you’re dating a sociopath. The bottom line is that for two weeks, Adriana was probably subject to over-the-top attention, and she responded.
About her second question—If Adriana saw eight out of the 10 Red Flags of Love Fraud, then that’s warning enough. It doesn’t matter if the guy doesn’t completely qualify as a sociopath, he certainly qualifies as bad news, and that’s exactly what I told her.
Emotional void
But reading this email, I was more concerned about Adriana’s frame of mind. She came out and said, “I feel that I have no purpose because I can’t find ‘him.'”
This is precisely the type of emotional void that a sociopath will happily step into.
I am not criticizing Adriana. I know exactly how she feels, because I once felt the same way. I was smart, successful, attractive, looked younger than my years—and none of that made any difference to me because I was without a partner.
The emptiness in my heart was certainly palpable to me—and perhaps to the sociopath as well. James Montgomery quickly figured out that I was an easy target. He complimented me, poured on the attention, proclaimed I was the woman he’d been waiting for all his life, painted a shimmering picture of how wonderful our life together would be—and I swallowed it all, hook, line and sinker.
Vulnerabilities
Sociopaths specialize in preying on lonely people. So if you are walking around with a big hole in your heart instead of the fulfillment of love, imagine that you are also walking around with a big, red target tattooed on your forehead. KNOW THAT YOU ARE VULNERABLE.
Sociopaths have an uncanny ability to sense emptiness. For this reason, if you feel lonely, it is critically important that you know the Red Flags of Love Fraud. Because sociopaths all seem to use exactly the same strategies and tactics, I’m beginning to believe that involvements with these destructive individuals are totally preventable, if you know what to look for, and, if you spot the signs, you get out.
But you also need to know yourself. Sociopaths target vulnerabilities, and there are many more vulnerabilities besides loneliness. You can be overly trusting. You can be wounded from past betrayals. You can be suffering from grief.
Vulnerabilities are not necessarily flaws. We are all vulnerable in some way. It’s part of being human. In fact, we must allow ourselves to be vulnerable in order to have a fulfilling relationship. But we must recognize that vulnerabilities also leave us open to exploitation by sociopaths.
Red Flags of Love Fraud Workbook
To help you become aware of your vulnerabilities, and recognize when someone is trying to take advantage of you, I’ve put together a companion for my new book called the Red Flags of Love Fraud Workbook.
It’s a small book—only 40 pages—with checklists and questions to ask yourself, and spaces to record your answers. Its purpose is to enable you to think carefully about your internal reality, so you can strengthen your resistance to predators. And if you’ve already been snagged by a sociopath, answering the questions will help you figure out how it happened, and what you have to do to get out of the involvement.
The Workbook will be available exclusively in the Lovefraud Store, and will be free with the purchase of the printed version of Red Flags of Love Fraud.
The key to keeping sociopaths out of your life is to know that they exist, know the warning signs, and know yourself. The two Red Flags of Love Fraud books give you the tools you need to stay safe and healthy.
callmeathena: because they preyed upon our sense of all that is worthy: your conscious, your kindness, your caring…that’s why. They threw a wrench into your thinking. While you were giving and giving and giving, they were merely taking and taking and taking and you were trapped into thinking you were doing the loving, rightful, thing. You know: “Hang in there; forget, forgive…” Only with them, they use our conscience and our sense of right against us. That’s where the cog/dis comes from. They make us wonder and doubt ourselves and that isn’t so. It is THEM doing the using. It was THEM disrespecting and disregarding and they made us think that our best just wasn’t good enough. When, in reality, THEIR BEST ISNT. We are not required to have any loyalty or ‘staying power’ with someone who is cruel to us. That is not expected of us, I don’t believe. If that was the case, none of us would be here because we would all be used up and empty shells. Instead, here we are, fighting to get ourselves back. We know who we are. They don’t know who they are and never will. I will never feel ashamed for loving and caring about someone, whether they used me and/or manipulated me or not. I know what my intentions were and that is all that matters and if someone can be like that to you, you certainly don’t need them in your life. Disposable. Period.
It hurts more than all the other break ups because they tied a bond of some sort around our emotions and our beliefs. They used them to their advantage and left us questioning ourselves.
Shame has nothing to do with it. I am not ashamed of being scammed. “IT” is the one who has all the shame in this. Not us. We have been the sincere people and they are the ones who were deceiving. The shame only rests upon THEM.
This is at least what I have found in my experience. I am not ashamed for giving someone all I had within me, and they chose to use it and abuse it. I will certainly know better next time for sure. We have to find a way to ‘temper’ our kindness and not think that ‘over the top’ loyalty is the way to go. Everyone does things, anyways, that isn’t always acceptable, but spaths do it more and without conscience nor regard.
Dupey
call me athena – one of the things skylar said really got me thinking – that if they can’t find our vulnerabilities, that they create them. this really struck a deep chord with me. It this is true, then it speaks to our entrapment and their utter evilness.
it is terrifically hard to ‘get’ that something that walks upright on two legs like the rest of humanity can be so absolutely twisted and unlike us.
i am getting lots of pain coming up around shame in this past while. i hope that i am getting closer to some answers for myself about the wrenching perversion she made of my personality and traits.
i too, have never experienced anything like it. that anyone would do the things the spath does is hard to get straight with. for people who have been taught and have learned that certain things are ‘their own fault’ a spath shines a large spot light on our inability to separate where we end and others start. i was taught to take responsibility. period. on a deep core level, i believe i am at fault. spaths play that like a toy tied to a stick – all to their amusement and fulfillment of the ‘game.’ I can feel that string in my chest – all shame and wanting to please, and wanting to be rescued. in some cultures, that feeling could be associated with waiting for fulfillment – that feeling we have we we first meet someone and want them so much. Desire and attachment get our butts in so much trouble. Spaths play those of us who have bundled pleasing people with love, desire, responsibility and shame. and self esteem. It’s the whole enchilada. No wonder she snared me.
it looks like the latest round at the supreme court hasn’t been won by the woman who is sueing the spath. i read the opinion and besides some procedural issues, the spath walks mostly because it was a ‘personal’ relationship. we don’t have the same rights against fraud in our private lives as we do in our business lives. the law has some catching up to do. i am hopeful that the other dupe will continue to fight on agianst the spath.
if nothing else, I am a decade younger and in better health that the spath – so i will most likely outlive her. that may be all i ‘get’, and i’ll take it. i will not dance on her grave. but i will piss on it.
Dupey, yes, they left us questioning ourselves.
One/Joy can you provide a link to the supreme court story you’re talking about? I am curious.
Yes, I too was taught that my mother’s anger was my fault.
I believed it. Quietly hid in the basement. Tried to be perfect.
Man, that is such a terrible thing to do to a child. Now I am married to a passive husband, and I keep thinking it’s my job to fix him and to tell him what to do. “Now do this” “Now do that”. I need to step back and just watch to see what happens when I dont’ provide minute by minute instruction.
I WANT BETTER BOUNDARIES FOR MYSELF!!!!!!
Athena
callmeathena: we should not question ourselves. we know who we are and what we are made of and we know who they are and what they are made of; hm?
that questioning of ourselves is everything they hoped for. like their ultimate dream…making us doubt ourselves. take that empowerment away from them.
Boundary # 1.
Dupey
Being with someone is a perfectly natural human condition.
It is human nature to want a caring, loving partner to enjoy life, but as we all know – those ‘perfect’ partners are tough to find!!
I have found it really depends on where we are in our lives, and where they are in their own lives.
“Timing is everything”
At 50 or 60 most people are still young and healthy enough to want a ‘second’ life but may not necessarily be ready for it!
Either the man or the woman.
My students and I researched and interviewed about 30 people in their 50’s and 60’s who were actively dating – that is looking for a partner.
All the interviewee’s lived in Los Angeles, California, primarily on the Westside.
25 were white
2 African American
3 Latin American
Our questions and questionnaire were about wants and needs.
Emotional, physical, environmental (as in where t live), common interests, and financial.
We found overwhelmingly that women were looking for ‘stability’ – financial being the most important and many were searching for a partner that would introduce them into a new social circle or interest (such as tennis or golf) or travel (ranked high on ‘wants’ as ‘escapism’).
During the first stages of meeting and dating someone, both agreed they were on their ‘best behavior’ – and physical intimacy escalated relatively quickly.
However women gave a greater ‘weighting’ to a ‘professional’ than a blue collar worker, and were quickly ‘evaluating’ their dates financial well-being as to the clothes he wore ‘nicely dressed’ the car he drove, and most importantly the profession he was in, and last the house or apartment he lived in, and where it was located.
They looked for ‘power’ in a man – not as in a dictator – but ‘power’ in himself – as in ‘sure of himself’.
Men on the other hand did not care about the woman’s work or profession, unless it was a profession that overshadowed themselves either by the professional ‘power’ or income level.
Men looked for attractiveness, emotionally security, and physical intimacy, and then common interests.
Although the sampling was low – 30 people (we did not have the resources to conduct a broader base interviews) – there were clear ‘dove tails’ of comparability.
What we discussed in an open forum after the questionnaire, was what are the barriers to meeting the right person – which took on a life of it’s own – as everyone had a story, everyone wanted to speak.
What was most interesting (we taped the forum and interviews) was that there was a common thread to the stories.
Reading the above article of Adriana, it seemed to me that this experience – both her’s and her date’s experiences with each other (they could be quite different if we interviewed the man) – are very common in ‘speed dating relationship’s’.
Adriana’s comments ” I don’t find most men attractive don’t have chemistry with them and I don’t want to settle” are very revealing.
What is she looking for – exactly – does that fictional man exist? Is her expectations set too high?
Are they a fantasy?
Then she comments ” I am so tired of dating and getting my hopes up each time I meet someone I really am attracted to”
So a contradiction from her first statement that she isn’t attracted to any man she has met?
I am in no way criticizing Adriana, I am pointing out that so many people start dating – at a mature age – that they may not really know what they want, with physical and emotional ‘wants’ being compromised with other ‘needs’ or visa versa.
I think Adriana experience may be more typical than not.
EHarmony – a well known dating site started by a psychologist – has stated that they have an algorithm to ‘comparability’?
Although we have not studied the ‘comparability’ program at E Harmony – we did conclude that a type of self questionnaire, with a ‘self analysis’ – similar to a’ step’ program’s ‘inventory’ – could be helpful for anyone who is re-entering the dating scene – as from my own experiences – it can be extremely daunting!
I wish Adriana well in finding the right person, but the most important person she has in her life – is herself, and as Eckhart Tolle say’s – the quest to find someone to ‘complete’ oneself is an ilusionary quest if we are not ‘whole’ spiritually, with ourselves.
Labeling someone a ‘sociopath’ because a short lived date did not live up to expectations and there is an element of resentment at herself perhaps for ‘being a fool’ to get involved so quickly – – is not dealing with the core issue – which is herself.
I truly wish her all the best in her search for that perfect person.
Brotmannurse, you said
“Labeling someone a ’sociopath’ because a short lived date did not live up to expectations and there is an element of resentment at herself perhaps for ’being a fool’ to get involved so quickly ”“ ”“ is not dealing with the core issue ”“ which is herself.”
Actually, if I had known what a sociopath is and knew the necessary red flags, I would have known in LESS than 2 weeks that my ex was a spath.
You don’t need years and years of being with someone to be able to see all the signs of a sociopath. An hour, a day, a week and certainly two weeks are enough, once you know what to look for. The sole difference between 2 weeks of being the target of a spath and 2 years is that 2 weeks are enough to label someone as a suspected spath and at least bad enough news to stay away from – 2 years just make you sure they’re a spath.
As for “feeling foolish” that is exactly how being conned by a spath makes a trusting, open person feel!
You guys are just truly awesome. So much really going on in these bright minds, I can smell smoke as soon as I logon!
darwinsmom, boy do I hear what you’re saying. Had I known about paths (and I thought I was well-versed on most things psychological (being quite the head case myself)), I would have RUN, not walked from Godzilla at the first whiff (the first time I met him for an interview actually!!!) and probably not gone back. If I had, I would have been very businesslike and professional at all times. He would not have bothered me.
I SO wish, I mean SO SO wish I had known.
one joy- I know, I know, you are very astute. I just finished working out and realized for the first time in a long time I wasn’t fantacizing that Godz could see me…wasn’t doing my best for him…now that is a very difficult thing for me to admit. It’s so sad and so immature and kind of really sick. But it’s true. I do it a lot. For awhile, I almost felt like he was with me (that soulmate crap I guess or those poison eggs festering in my brain! Pure disgust).
But yes, there is still that curiosity, that painful little niggly feeling at times, that “what if?” If I’d said this or had that convo w/him, had been smarter, more sophisticated…more like the woman from Up in the Air that blind-sided Clooney, more, well, grown-up, things might have gone differently. Any way you cut it, he makes me feel, not awesome, but like crap.
I don’t understand how someone who was chided by management for his inability to shit or get off the pot when it came to decision-making had it in him to play such a devious game with me and other women. He just didn’t seem the type. Oh well…I can’t figure it out and I’m sick as shit of him.
Dupey, thanks for your post. I’m glad you could relate to some of my thoughts. We are all siblings here and I’m so infuriated that you and others have suffered for these vile creatures. A bad date is one thing, even an experience like mine, it sux but doesn’t compare to the yrs of extreme pain and loss of health. My heart is truly full for you and others who are holding it together. Stay strong, Dupey, you are going to be OK! Promise.
Love you all. Hang tough..there IS no other choice. None.
Brotman,
you are right, that we do have to work on our core issues too. The first core issue is being able to recognize a spath within the first few minutes, rather than 2 weeks or 20 years.
If I had known what I know now, it would have been only days before I noticed the inappropriate boundary crossing.
Once we can see the outward signs, we KNOW that the core is beyond rotten, it’s filled with maggots. They are running on pure envy and it SHOWS. We just have to know what it looks like: it looks like lies, pity ploys, narcissism, and basically, it looks like envy toward everyone they encounter. They are constantly comparing. Comparing us to others and others to themselves.
One thing I absolutely agree with…timing is everything.
Hi Dupey,
Thanks for the support and the information. I’m enjoying reading through the site, although I have to say I was both relieved to find it and saddened that there is such a need to have a site like this and be informed on this problem. Still, better to be armed with information and solid boundaries than to be prey to a sociopath/narcissist/psychopath again. I’m super careful these days and evaluate everyone based on their actions and what their true intentions are.
Luz Blanca