I recently received email from a woman whom we’ll call Adriana:
I am told I am a very beautiful, intelligent, fun, woman, but that is all subjective. I am 61 years old but pass for late 40’s; good genes. I have been divorced for 10 years and engaged once during that time. I have dated so many men and feel that I have no purpose because I can’t find “him.” I don’t find most men attractive don’t have chemistry with them and I don’t want to settle. I have not been successful in love at all and have tried to look within myself to see my faults but the truth is I just want to love and be loved.
Anyway, I am so tired of dating and getting my hopes up each time I meet someone I really am attracted to. I was setting up a booth for a trade show and a man from the booth a few down came by and gave me a bottle of water (he is a manager for a water company) and I said thanks and did not really pay much attention to him ”¦ he was ok looking.
The next day he was all dressed up looked so nice and he came to my booth looked me dead in the eyes and said “so where are you taking me to lunch?” I was so charmed by his approach and of course we ended up having lunch and then went out that night, but he conned me into dinner than back to his apt. Where he put the move on me. I am a savvy woman, but I must have been stupid. We spent the weekend together and he began to change plans on me, would get all emotional and cry but I never saw any tears, anyway bottom line is he is a liar, he never asked me for money ever, but the rest of the stuff on your sociopath list he is guilty of.
Everything is about HIM AND ONLY HIM, I think his cold hot actions were to throw me off and keep me under his control. Anyway my question is how could I have such deep feelings for this man I have known for two weeks, and if he is only like eight out of your 10 markers does that mean he is not a sociopath? He has done so much damage to me that I prayed to die. I feel worthless, unworthy, lonely, and I still miss the jerk.
I tried to level with him and told him no more games, I wanted to be loved and he said he could not give me that now. That was the first honest thing he said to me I think.
Please help me figure out if he is or is not a sociopath ”¦
Adriana’s first question was, “How can I have such deep feelings for this man I have known for two weeks?” The answer: Adriana was the target of calculated seduction.
She didn’t provide a lot of detail about her interaction. But a man who walks up and says, “Where are you taking me to lunch?” has obviously targeted her. So I assume he also employed the rest of the strategies in the sociopath’s playbook, such as love bombing and the sudden soul mates tactic. I explain them all in my book, Red Flags of Love Fraud—10 signs you’re dating a sociopath. The bottom line is that for two weeks, Adriana was probably subject to over-the-top attention, and she responded.
About her second question—If Adriana saw eight out of the 10 Red Flags of Love Fraud, then that’s warning enough. It doesn’t matter if the guy doesn’t completely qualify as a sociopath, he certainly qualifies as bad news, and that’s exactly what I told her.
Emotional void
But reading this email, I was more concerned about Adriana’s frame of mind. She came out and said, “I feel that I have no purpose because I can’t find ‘him.'”
This is precisely the type of emotional void that a sociopath will happily step into.
I am not criticizing Adriana. I know exactly how she feels, because I once felt the same way. I was smart, successful, attractive, looked younger than my years—and none of that made any difference to me because I was without a partner.
The emptiness in my heart was certainly palpable to me—and perhaps to the sociopath as well. James Montgomery quickly figured out that I was an easy target. He complimented me, poured on the attention, proclaimed I was the woman he’d been waiting for all his life, painted a shimmering picture of how wonderful our life together would be—and I swallowed it all, hook, line and sinker.
Vulnerabilities
Sociopaths specialize in preying on lonely people. So if you are walking around with a big hole in your heart instead of the fulfillment of love, imagine that you are also walking around with a big, red target tattooed on your forehead. KNOW THAT YOU ARE VULNERABLE.
Sociopaths have an uncanny ability to sense emptiness. For this reason, if you feel lonely, it is critically important that you know the Red Flags of Love Fraud. Because sociopaths all seem to use exactly the same strategies and tactics, I’m beginning to believe that involvements with these destructive individuals are totally preventable, if you know what to look for, and, if you spot the signs, you get out.
But you also need to know yourself. Sociopaths target vulnerabilities, and there are many more vulnerabilities besides loneliness. You can be overly trusting. You can be wounded from past betrayals. You can be suffering from grief.
Vulnerabilities are not necessarily flaws. We are all vulnerable in some way. It’s part of being human. In fact, we must allow ourselves to be vulnerable in order to have a fulfilling relationship. But we must recognize that vulnerabilities also leave us open to exploitation by sociopaths.
Red Flags of Love Fraud Workbook
To help you become aware of your vulnerabilities, and recognize when someone is trying to take advantage of you, I’ve put together a companion for my new book called the Red Flags of Love Fraud Workbook.
It’s a small book—only 40 pages—with checklists and questions to ask yourself, and spaces to record your answers. Its purpose is to enable you to think carefully about your internal reality, so you can strengthen your resistance to predators. And if you’ve already been snagged by a sociopath, answering the questions will help you figure out how it happened, and what you have to do to get out of the involvement.
The Workbook will be available exclusively in the Lovefraud Store, and will be free with the purchase of the printed version of Red Flags of Love Fraud.
The key to keeping sociopaths out of your life is to know that they exist, know the warning signs, and know yourself. The two Red Flags of Love Fraud books give you the tools you need to stay safe and healthy.
darwinsmom,
I cannot believe how empowering your post is.
Where can I get that empowerment in pill form, IV drip, inhalant?
Your list itself boggles my mind, just putting all that together alone is pretty impressive. Are you are therapist?
Also, I am seeing how little I believe in myself…you are actually letting me know, in your opinion anyway, and boy, I so do like your opinion, that feeling a certain way is credible. I’m really quite exhausted at the end of many days from questioning myself so very much. It took a lot of the delight out of raising my daughter, not to mention the the damage a wishy-washy role model can do.
But better late than never. I do a lot of things wrong, I make incorrect assumptions, misdirect my angst, etc. This I own but I’ve never felt it’s ok to feel my feelings. Somehow your comments just struck me in such an empowering way….yes, it’s ok to think what I want to think and express what’s in my gut, and it’s wrong for someone to tell me I can’t have those feelings or I am wrong to have them…shame on you, God will punish you. Anyway, I’m not making much sense..really tired, sure wish I express myself better here as I really appreciate you and your post tonight…
Strongawoman, in the same vein, THANK YOU!!
“I am free to speak. I am free to say what I want from my life and i am free to say what I don’t want to happen to me ever again.”
Goodnight and thanks so much to all of you impossibly amazing people. This blog has inspired me so much…I can only hope to bring some good insights and helpful things to all of you…boy, I’m not making much sense at all..
xo
Still Reeling,
That was my intent: to empower you. Your post was a very good one: it was assertive as well as self-responsible.
You can create such a red flag list for yourself whenever your gut tells you that someone is not being sincere… I’m sure that you felt a response to many of those words and sentences used. That’s when you stop, take a step back and ask yourself why it bothers you.
And nope, I’m not a therapist.
I have seen a total of four therapists in as many years. I had absolutely no idea what was happening to me when I started falling apart. I did realize that it had everything to do with “IT”, though. EVERYTHING. I was being ‘groomed’ and manipulated in the most evil intended ways. Nobody could possibly conceive what that was like being sucked in and mind controlled the way I was. “I” believed it was ‘love’ but it wasn’t at all.
Many years later, I find out that the truth of the matter is that I HAVE been stalked by a psychopath. I was purposely targeted and when I didn’t go along with the vileness, suddenly I became a ‘walking target’ hated because I spurned it away from me. I was almost devoured, emotionally, physically and psychologically. And there are those who would say: “Why did you stay in that so long? Why didn’t you get away?” And I would tell them the same thing that I remember while reading about the Charles Manson case: how he mind controlled his followers: I used to say the same thing: “How could they let that go on? We all have free will.” I understand it now. It was almost like some kind of magical seduction. But instead of one being born in heaven, it was born in hell.
It is something very difficult to explain but it’s almost like being hypnotized or in a trance of some kind. I can tell you, looking back, that it was a form of ‘conditioning’ that came on slowly, over time. Subtly and not noticeable at all. I have always prided myself on being an exceptionally strong and perceptive person and I even got sucked in and drawn into the nightmare. If it can happen to me, it shocks me to think that it could happen to anyone else too, so unexpectedly. I had some ‘inkling’ these ‘beings’ existed but I never believed it until I experienced it for myself. It’s almost indescribable. And, our relationship was the majority of the time from far away and I still was impacted so strongly and deeply. I can imagine what it must be like for a ‘survivor’ to actually LIVE with someone like this, on a constant basis. Almost like dealing with a mentally retarded person with downs syndrome. That is almost the way I see him now. That it is some kind of genetic misprint. In fact, I am almost positive now that it is a genetic misprint. It’s starting to sink in now, after a couple years of ‘fighting back’ that the ‘fight’ just isn’t worth it. This is a sick person that is never going to change no matter how much I care or sacrifice. Do I even sacrifice my very life? I don’t think so. This is MY LIFE not “ITS”. MINE.
I am grateful for all the people and friends and therapists that have tried to help me and have helped me with their encouragement and kindness and understanding. This hasn’t been very easy, the past ten years, and even more so since I had my heart attack/surgeries a year and a half ago. Since that happened to me, it has been an everyday struggle, almost, just FEELING PHYSICALLY OKAY and trying to hang onto that will to survive, despite the persistent stalking.
Lots of things I have come through, all in a relatively short amount of time and I am not even sure I can adequately describe them anymore, they have been such a shock to me….
A lot of things I have buried now, in those dark pockets of the mind that I refer to as my “PTSD FILES”. You know they are back there but you never take them out and look at them because you know if you do, it will freeze you in your tracks again. You will have to start over again on your journey once you are stopped in your tracks. It’s best that they be left buried and forgotten even though you know they will creep out from time to time and surprise you.
still reeling: you are equally as “ROCKING”, you know. I have read some really amazing things from you that has made me think and inspired me on many days I didn’t think I had one more strand of strength or sanity. Just the validation I have received from you all in the form of understanding makes it seem so much better, some how and I thank you all for your contribution to my life.
Goodnight you guys ~ thanks for being here, holding my hand and listening to all of my ruminating and crying and complaining and whining and staggering and stammering trying to figure this all out.
You are all simply amazing just by being you.
Dupey
Just need to pop in and reconnect with the LF community. I seriously wish we had a chatroom on this site. I freaking need you people!!! Ok, toning down the drama a bit now 🙂 The baby and I have relocated safely. Making strides toward rebuilding life. Just find myself overwhelmed by my family of origin. I think it was a mistake to return here. My mother is undoubtedly N and I’m not sure what my father’s deal is, but he is also highly self-centered. Is it possible that both of my parents are N??? Anyway, diagnosing them is not as important as figuring out how to cope in a healthy way. I have literally gained 10 lbs in the past month from stress eating… And my whole routine with the baby is shot as we are still looking for our own place to live. I was aware enough not to stay with my parents, but I find we are in an environment that is not healthy for it’s own reasons. We are safe and away from Spathy, that is the main thing. My daughter has had a growth spurt in her language development. I’m not exaggerating, she can almost sing the whole song “Twinkle, Twinkle” and can independently produce two word sentences, while parroting up to four word sentences. She seems to be doing well through the transition. The first few weeks she kept saying “Home? Home? Home?” and it broke my heart. But I know in the long run I am giving her a better life away from her sick dad. I’m kinda rambling here… Haven’t been able to sleep tonight. Feeling so outta sorts.
LPMarie13: Happy to hear you have relocated safely. I wish we had a chatroom too but it’s kind of nice having to write things out. Kind of makes you think about it more than yacking. Hm?
I am sorry you are finding yourself in an uncomfortable position now after your move. Perhaps you will be working on that in the future, securing your own place for you and your child.
Happy to hear you are safe and away from spath. That IS the main thing. Aw, your daughter sounds ADORABLE…I remember when they start talking and it’s priceless. Hang onto that precious child you have and let that child be your inspiration.
Yes, in the long run YOU ARE giving her a MUCH better life. You are protecting her from the ugliness that surely will come from having a ppath/spath for a parent. I am sorry you have to go through this and if I could, I would change it all for you in a minute. You ramble all you want and/or need to, Marie…
I am hear to listen, if you wanna yack…
Dupey
Still reeling,
How very kind of you. I’m honoured that you took something from what I said. I have to agree with the other people here and say I have read many of your posts and found them uplifting and well informed.
It’s funny that I quite often think my little insignificant asides are not as well thought out or put together as others! But I’m glad you took solace from my words.
As Dupey would say…..know your value still reeling. Recognise your worth!!
You were probably brought up to have far too much humility. Believe in yourself. You’re fantastic
Still reeling,
I hadn’t had the time this morning to add the following before running out the door for work:
I didn’t think that you didn’t believe in yourself. I read it as beautiful humility to take into account that despite your opinion you still might make a mistake. And that’s totally ok! It doesn’t make anyone less assertive imo.
((Greetings to Beautiful Yorkshire))
I hope you are well and doing alright. Think of you lots.
Hope you are enjoying decent weather.
Dupey
xxoo
Hi Dupey,
It’s been gorgeous for a few weeks…..only to go back to rain and more rain. Oh well friend …..typical English summer!!
I think of you often too Dupey. Hope you’re finding some peace from unwanted intrusions my lovely.
I’m fine thanks……it’s our half term holiday next week but have all my end of year reports to write. Oh joy. And am trying to find myself a job. The local authority are closing our fantastic school……to save money essentially. So I’m trying to stay positive. You know how it is Dupey doo!!
Lots of love to my dear friend on the left coast of the USA
SW xx
LPMarie – –
So glad to escaped safely. Your daughter sounds like she is starting that “cuter than all get out” stage. Hug her tight.
I’m sure it is difficult for you to start over and it will take some time to get back into the swing of a normal, non-drama filled life. I think returning “to your family of origin” after a long period of time away, is challenging in the best of circumstances. Then mix in the fact that you are dealing with a great deal of dsyfunction (for lack of a better term) and it would leave you feeling overwhelmed.
Hang in there, keep your goal clear in your mind and soon you will be independent and happy just enjoying that sweet little girl.
Keep us informed and please write when you feel troubled, that’s what us cyber friends are for.
Take care