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I’m addicted to him

Editor’s note: The following was posted as a comment by the Lovefraud reader “Zootowngirl.” She eloquently expressed ideas that many other readers can certainly understand.

I read the articles and comments posted on Lovefraud.com and I see my life, or parts of it, described over and over again. I see things my ex did (or didn’t do) written in the words of other people. I see myself in their stories. Often I find myself thinking, “Thank God my experience wasn’t that bad or that long,” and other times I nod my head in silent, humiliated understanding that comes with first hand knowledge of the horror stories people share.

My ex has the most beautiful soul. He is kind and compassionate and loving. He is the most thrilling person I’ve ever known. Until he’s not. When he’s upset or inconvenienced or, God forbid, angry, he turns into someone cold and hostile. His comments are scathing, filled with razor sharp words that open veins in my heart and leave me gasping at the pain. He is a master at flaying open my emotions and then disavowing any responsibility or ill intent. He used to tell me that I didn’t understand what he meant, that I was hysterical, or that I twisted his meaning for my own passive aggressive purposes. Maybe I was passive aggressive. Never mind the “maybe.” I was passive aggressive. That’s what happens when I can’t ask for what I need without being rejected or ridiculed or told that I am selfish for expecting something from him. I’d like to blame him for it but I’m the boss of me. I’m the one who made the choice to be passive aggressive. I have to own that. And I have to own that I still don’t fully fathom the impact he’s had on me.

I’m an addict.

I’m addicted to him.

I’m addicted to the way I feel when I’m with him the good, not the bad, though sometimes I believe I would accept the bad in order to also have the good. Maybe, possibly, if I’m just good enough and try hard enough and all the stars are aligned then maybe I’ll get some of the good. He’s so misunderstood, you see? He tells me so and so I have to believe that I’m just not giving him enough credit or being fair or being realistic. And he has ”legitimate excuses” for everything he does or doesn’t do. He was depressed. Then there was the physical pain: his elbow, his back, his guts. Then there was the dizziness that came and went, sometimes confining him to bed with the remote and sometimes miraculously disappearing just when something entertaining was planned. Then there was the encroachment of his privacy after we had to get roommates in order to help pay the rent because we only had my disability income to live on and all the money left to me by my father was gone at last. Then there were the accusations of flirting and disloyalty on my part that made him sad and sent him back into that depression. Then there was the day he called me a “stupid f*cking c*nt” and told me that he “deserved better from the woman who supposedly loved him.” Except I wasn’t supposed to internalize those words because he was just processing his thoughts about the anger he’d felt over something trivial and thought he could share that processing with me. But he didn’t explain that he was recalling his thoughts or just processing them and wondering why he’d thought and felt those things. He just said the words aloud and left me to sit with them for 2 weeks and then, when I finally broke down in tears over them said, “What?! Oh God! I was just describing what I felt at the time! Not what I think of you!” and the logic of that escaped me because the words had had 2 weeks to sit inside of me, carving themselves into my cells. Eight months later, they still echo in my head almost every hour of every day. But I’m not allowed to be hurt or be upset by them because, of course, they’re not true. He was just processing his feelings. I’m supposed to be glad he did that, right? That’s what women want, right? A man who will process his feelings with her.

I’m addicted to the memory of him when he was in a good mood and loved me.

I’m addicted to the energy and space he took up in every place we were together.

I was addicted to the constant texting and phone calls that happened before we lived together and the roller coaster drama of trying to prove that he should choose me and not that other woman because she’s a liar and a cheat while I’m faithful and devoted and loyal and dedicated no matter what he does or says or what promises he broke in the 3 years before we lived together.

I was addicted to proving that I’m good enough and that I can accept and forgive and love him unconditionally while he spent time trying to decide between us, despite having gone back on his assurance that he was going to give her up and come be with me a half dozen times or more.

I was addicted to putting him back together after she chewed him up and spit him out and to being his best friend while he agonized over how much she hurt him and to being the woman he turned at last to because he suddenly realized that I’m the right choice and I’m the perfect person for him.

I was addicted to riding out his struggle with commitment and his inability to plan for the future because so many other women have hurt him and left him and devastated him.

I was addicted to proving to him that I’ll stand by him always, no matter the hardship, no matter the tests he throws my way, no matter the pain he causes.

I was addicted to martyring myself to his cause, to being the true blue girl in his life.

I’m addicted to him the way a child is perversely compelled to continuing to love the father that abused her and the mother that abandoned her, always going back for more, always desperate to prove she is worthy of their love because she thinks that if she just loves well enough or loves the right way then love won’t continue to hurt her the way it does now.

I’m addicted to continuing to send messages to his phone from my email. He makes unfair statements and I get angry and find myself glad that I broke up with him and just when I start to think I did the right thing he lifts me up with loving words and apologies and I sob over the fact that I’m the horrible person who “destroyed his life”

I’m addicted to the way he says, “It was my fault for not loving you well enough baby,” as if somehow that love will seep into me from the computer screen and make it possible for me to trust myself again ”¦ after so many do-overs and so many 2nd chances that the idea of it only being a “second” chance is laughable. More like a 30th or 40th chance.

I’m addicted to being able to tell him exactly how much pain he caused me without any immediate consequence and watching his apologies and regret appear in my chat window ”¦ knowing that he’ll manage to turn things around so they become guilt trips rather than accountability ”¦ and praying that it won’t happen because that might be a sign from God that he’s sincerely sorry and things would be different this time. This 41st second chance.

I’m addicted to apologizing ”¦ to feeling guilty ”¦ to punishing myself ”¦ to hating myself for ending our relationship ”¦ for ending my dream ”¦ so that he’ll understand that I really did love him. I just have to love him from a distance now because I can’t live in a home where both of us hate me. It’s painful enough that I hate myself for not being good enough for him, that I hate my inadequacy and my inability to live up to even his most basic expectations.

I’m addicted to reminding myself that he almost punched me in the face once, to reminding myself that that is reason enough to have left him. And I’m addicted to being angry at him because he says, “But I didn’t actually hit you!” I’m angry at him for that because it’s the lamest response I can think of to an act of aggression that could have turned into an act of violence. And I’m angry because I’m addicted to telling myself, “It could have been worse. So many people have it so much worse. Just let it go. He didn’t actually hit you.”

I’m addicted to trying to take less responsibility for the way my life turned out ”¦ to blaming him for what hurts me. And I’m addicted to being angry at myself for the way my life turned out ”¦ and angry at myself for blaming him for what hurts me. I’m addicted to that anger because I’m accountable for myself and my life and for what I allow ”¦ and no matter how much I felt like I loved him ”¦ I was supposed to love myself first and best and I didn’t.

I’m addicted to my new reality ”¦ the reality in which nothing seems right without that drama and chaos even though this calm, quiet, peaceful life is healthier and safer and more trustworthy. Even though this life is beautiful. And I’m angry at myself for this particular addiction more than anything else.

That’s how I know I’m an addict. I’m a co-dependent, enabling, door mat of an addict.

Because when I say that I miss the way I felt when I was with him ”¦ I know that’s my addiction doing the talking.

Because when I’m honest with myself I can say that most days I felt desperate to prove to him that I was worthy of his notice.

Most days I felt like a piece of worthless garbage.

Most days I felt like I was a stupid f*cking c*nt and that he deserved better than me.

And that may not be entirely his fault ”¦ because I participated.

But most days I felt incapable of being anything other than that worthless piece of garbage and I don’t know how someone who “supposedly” loved me could not see that there was something wrong.

I know I’m an addict ”¦ because I was willingly living on scraps ”¦”¦ and I was starving ”¦ and it was killing me ”¦ and I miss that feeling of dying.


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389 Comments on "I’m addicted to him"

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Zootowngirl, when you first posted this, it was ultra-resonant for me, and so many others. Each thing that you indicated as a source of your addiction, I nodded my head in agreement – yes, I can see that, and yes, I experienced that, and this is making 100% sense to me.

And, your words on being passive/aggressive struck deep with me. They really did. I can clearly see that I have been conditioned to passive/aggressive behaviors, as well, and I never understood why until I read your incredibly insightful words. Yes, I own that aspect of my personality, too – it is something that I need to un-learn, and your description of how this behavior developed was mind-blowing.

I am SO grateful for your courage and truthfulness, Zootowngirl. And, I am grateful to Donna for putting it in an article form – this piece is not only eloquent, but it is rock-bottom-honest, and shared directly from the gut. It resonates. It makes sense. And, it validates me, completely.

Most brightest blessings and absolute gratitude

Zootowngirl,

Ouch!

Just when I was sitting here earlier in the day “allowing” these memories that sound oh so familiar to yours to “trick” me…… (Damned cog/diss …it is a [email protected]*d sometimes)….here is your post as an article and a timely one for me. I have to agree with Truth…. it takes guts to admit the part we played in this farking mess.

I’m an addict too……one step away from feeding my addiction

Zootowngirl and strongawoman, add me to the list of addicts!!! I would rather be addicted to some narcotic than to my spath. To me it seems that I could recover faster then. But having not been addicted to anything (except cigarettes) I really don’t know. All I do know is this is the worst thing I have gone through in my 66 years.

And I too am fighting to NOT feed my addiction.

Stormy, I’m so sorry that you’re in a bad space – I understand the fear and despair.

People often ask me, “How are you doing with all of this?” I think that they’re asking for a couple of reasons. Some are being polite, others are truly concerned, while still others are “addicted” to the drama/trauma in other people’s lives. I don’t speak honestly about this, anymore, because it’s become tiresome to me, and nearly every person that asks really “does not get it” about the carnage.

I think…..and, this is just my view on this…..that I was afraid of giving up the addiction to the spath when I began to notice the red flags. My co-dependency and all of the other negatives kicked into overdrive and fear ruled the day. There is one truth that I have learned about my fears. With the exception of sudden and/or prolonged terror, fear isn’t going to kill me. I’m not going to die because I’m afraid.

Having said that, I believe that the long-term effects of fear, despair, and the works can (as Dupey can attest) have extreme adverse effects on our physiology. So, the longer we are in fear of the traumas and breaking the addiction to the spaths, the longer our minds, bodies, and spirits are thoroughly damaged and that fear is deeply reinforced. This is just what I believe to be true for myself.

Stormy, it IS the worst thing to recover from, because there’s often nothing visible to indicate that damage is being dealt. My mind rather imploded when I discovered what the spath was, and it finally just quit when I uncovered the financial frauds.

The aftermath of my experiences kind of set me up for more abuses from the colleagues g/f (and, him, by proxy), and this generated even MORE fear. Okay – if I’m at a homeless shelter, I’ll be at a homeless shelter. Okay. If I have to surrender my pets, I have to surrender my pets. But, I cannot predict how this is all going to pan out, and one thing that my counselor kept telling me, over and OVER, was that I did not have the power or ability to “predict” anything, and to stop it. That urge to predict was strictly based upon years and years of drama/trauma, and did not necessarily mean that every situation for the rest of my life was going to end in horrors.

Zootowngirl, this is an absolutely amazing article and you may want to consider putting your journaling into print, when it’s all said and done.

Brightest blessings

Zootown: Your post reminds me of myself in so many ways.
Not willing to let go of the spell they spun around us.
I have spent the past 2-3 years now, trying to ‘unravel’ all the webs and believe me,
no matter what my heart tells me all the time, it is toxic and almost took my life.
I am forced to regard my situation with logic and not emotion any further.

I am almost glad, in a way, that “IT” HAS threatened me because that leaves no room for question nor comment.
We have to NOT be afraid and STAND UP for the person we know we are. The problem isn’t with us. It’s with them.
They are sick individuals who just don’t ‘get it’ or anything else except for what they want. They gobble up and disrespect the most precious bonds and relationships and actually find it quite amusing when they cause people hurt and pain. That makes THEM feel alive and powerful. It’s the only time they have that in their lives. When they SUCK IT from others.

I am HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY that “IT” is down the road.
I haven’t felt this alive and refreshed in the past ten years.
Such drama, chaos and insanity. Tsk, tsk….slap it off my hands now…
Draw the line for sure at death threats and attempts,
I would say. Hm?

NOTHING about that relationship was real. I was played just like a song. Specifically targeted like a hunter stalking it’s prey. Only thing is, his manipulation wasn’t strong enough to break me. He almost had me to that breaking point but it is turning right around now. “I” am the one who has won THIS battle. I am much stronger than he ever thought. I will always be stronger.

Thanks for the great article.
I am with you.

Dopey Dupey

Zootowngirl,

Your post made me sad because its true. Part of the reason my ex was able to blind me was because I became an addict.

“I’m addicted to the memory of him when he was in a good mood and loved me.”

It’s interesting because in my situation, this “good mood” didn’t really last long. It was like he was fixated on me for a few months and then for the rest of our relationship I was always trying to do things for him and be the best woman I could in order to possible get the way things were in the beginning back.

Now I realize how ridiculous this must have looked to anyone on the outside watching our relationship. I was a slave! I was nine months pregnant and after working for eight full hours, I rubbed HIS feet. LITERALLY!

Thanks for the article. It was raw and honest…and why I feel ashamed when I think about what I put up with before I left. 🙁

CappuccinoQueen, let go of that shame – what good does it do to beat yourself up about what the spath did to you? Two words describe what survivors of socipaths experience: Stockholm Syndrome.

http://counsellingresource.com/lib/therapy/self-help/stockholm/

From this same site, the “small kindness” issue is discussed:

“In relationships with abusers, a birthday card, a gift (usually provided after a period of abuse), or a special treat are interpreted as not only positive, but evidence that the abuser is not “all bad” and may at some time correct his/her behavior. Abusers and controllers are often given positive credit for not abusing their partner, when the partner would have normally been subjected to verbal or physical abuse in a certain situation. An aggressive and jealous partner may normally become intimidating or abusive in certain social situations, as when an opposite-sex coworker waves in a crowd. After seeing the wave, the victim expects to be verbally battered and when it doesn’t happen, that “small kindness” is interpreted as a positive sign.”

I dislike the term, “Stockholm Syndrome,” because it refers to a specific and defining criminal hostage event that people immediately associate with random hostage situations. This recognized psychological phenomenon has been noted for as long as people have been studying human emotional behaviors.

If you read the link, you’ll quickly recognize how the spath broke down every aspect of your system of beliefs and replaced it with a situation where “rules” only applied to you. Shame has no part, here. Yeah, we feel it for a little while because it’s a normal “reaction” and “feeling.” But, try to keep in mind that “feelings are not facts,” and the fact is that the spath attempted to destroy your humanity.

Pretty soon, the shame will be replaced with righteous outrage and anger, once you come to terms with his deliberate and malicious actions.

Brightest blessings

With regard to the link, above, it is a superb and well-written explanation of nearly EVERY story of survival that I’ve read on this site, and others. Very, very informative and it explains precisely how the dismantling of the victim’s humanity occurs.

What an amazing article Truthy. Ive just read the whole link you posted. Hmm, it makes for some very uncomfortable reading as I remember what I allowed my ex to put me through. I can remember one particular occasion when I had my stuff packed and my daughter rang me and tried to encourage me to just muster up the strength to go. I didn’t do it ….not that day. I can still remember the fear. I was utterly terrified of leaving. For many complex reasons…..apparently victims often use that reason for not leaving. It’s complicated. Sigh.

Anyway, the explanation of cognitive dissonance was also very helpful to me and If you’re feeling wobbly, in the early stages of separation or like me still fighting these demons, read this link. I think I will save it and read it again.

“the dismantling of the victim’s humanity”

Well put. Scary but well put Truth.

Strongawoman, the reading of that article is uncomfortable, I know. I went through all of that with the first exspath because, even in the depths of the cog/diss, the rational part of my mind was screaming that I was being abused. It’s still uncomfortable to consider, to a degree.

It’s a very good article, and as uncomfortable as it is to read, it’s a discussion of facts.

And, spaths certainly dismantle our humanity, one piece at at time. By the time I got away from the first exspath, I was almost a shell of a human being.

I got away but I went back….just like the article says, the family members of the victims are, were stunned that I returned. I had a breakdown when I first left him. He convinced me that what I needed was him, again…..to fix me. Jaisus, how naive was I. I wanted to so believe that he loved me, that he could sort me out. And yes, my rational side was telling me that it wasn’t right….trouble was he had done such a good job on gaslighting me I didn’t know which way was up. Another 18 months of shiat I endured, finally making the break after becoming pregnant – he wanted me pregnant, he was obsessed! Sure enough as soon as it happened, as is often the case, he completely turned against the idea, demanding I had an abortion and being vile and abusive towards me. I think Its Skylar who says “It’s opposite day in spath land!”

Anyhoo, it’s all grist for the mill, …..

Articles like this make me to never forget the truth of who I am (an addict) and what I have experienced (a “P” addiction) …but I never do want to forget the intensity of the 3 plus years of begging for scraps…of wanting death in order to escape all types of pains…and afterwards missing the feeling of dying…(I wanted to physically get sick when I read the last line of the article)…The article is my reality.I have to face me; how the chaos was what I knew as a child and how to learn to be content (and not bored) with the simplicity of a healthy life…I dont want to brush it under the rug like it never happened and I can move on, however, I will move on in a new light with a new awareness. LF helps me to remember and process a horror that i dont want to pretend does not exist. The articles are as if I wrote them myself but I am not at the point where I can express myself so eloquently. I still stuff the emotions and I get healing through these articles that help me purge the horror…I saw myself 110% in this article…I saw my past..Each time these articles remind me of what I am not missing and wonder how I could have done those things to myself and for what….what illusion had I created that took me to hell and was on the brink of destruction …I dont want to forget because I never want to go to a place like that again..

alivetoday: I completely relate and can hear you.
It all looks different when we get to the other side.
We can SEE it then. Usually that is when they start
blame shifting and if that doesn’t work, the whimsical
abuse begins. When that doesn’t work, the threats
start and they make tracks because you have outed
them. Easier to make tracks then trying to unwind
all the webs they have spun because the truth is,
they probably can’t remember half of them anyways.
Their mouths hold no honor. They spew whatever gets
them the most – whatever is the most beneficial to them.
IN EVERYTHING.

I DO want to forget the intensity of the past five years.
I knew this disgusting piece of flesh for a total of ten years.
The last five have been a nightmare from hell. Stalking, stalking, drama, drama…too much.

I slammed the door: ‘bye bye now’…
And I meant it. And, I still do.

It almost took my life from me and I still fight on a daily
basis. I know all about ‘obsession’. This has been too
long in my life. There was NOTHING about this person
that was NOT a lie. EVERYTHING was a lie. I was ‘targeted’, and stalked, for the past ten years; almost eleven now. It was ALL LIES = lies HE manufactured. It was real entertainment, I am sure…to see an honorable woman with good and loving intentions grovel on her knees. Yah, I bet that was real comical…it doesn’t irritate me anymore because I know who the REAL LOSER IS now.

I want to forget it ALL like it just never happened.
It will eventually become a permanent part of my
PTSD files….But it did happen and it has changed me forever.
I am not the same person anymore.

I will NEVER go back to that nightmare.
Never. I have escaped and am free.
Finally. Now I hope I have some life still left.
With my heart, it’s touch and go and I have been
having a really hard time getting back on my feet.

I know what that ‘brink of destruction’ is all about too.
I am NEVER living in a hole, not ever again.

I would never go back to all that.
I am NOBODYS slave in ANY way.
I am breaking free of the spell….

Today is 8 days that there has been no ‘intrusions’.
“I” have been NC almost 4 months but the stalking
has still continued until 8 days ago, it completely
stopped. Imagine that. Must have a new victim.
About time…(hopefully)..better still, it would be
good news to hear he is confined somewhere and
that is why the stalking has stopped.

Dupey

Dupey,

I think sometimes that we have gone through this because somehow we are stronger. We have first hand knowledge and can see clearer now. There are still many “givers” that will be manipulated to do whatever the “taker” needs. I think when we are ready, our experience was training, so to speak, to help others…to educate others…
The pain that is triggered from articles helps me to identify with what another person can be living 24 hours a day and if for a moment, we can give them hope to just know there is relief and it does get better over time…I too, never ever want that in my life again..If I am going to obsess I want it to be over something beneficial for me…..

Stay strong and in a place of peacefulness..and as you know, that would mean NC..

alivetoday,

Do you think that is why we have come through this?
As an ‘education’ by fire? I don’t recall anything THAT
BAD that I have done in my lifetime, that I would need
such a ‘pruning’. First hand knowledge is one thing but
something I could have continued living without.

The pain that I derive from the articles here, it helps
me feel like I am NOT alone with all this. Sure, I go to
counseling, I have family…it’s difficult to explain. This
experience has left me alone without anyone who truly
understands, except for when I come here.

I can sit and try to explain, in therapy, what has happened
to me because of all of this, but I can never quite express
the intensity of it all and the effect it has had on my life.

I do believe my life was spared for a reason and a purpose.
I don’t know if it is was a ‘loving sanction’ that I returned
to this life or if it was a curse. Sometimes it seems as if it
would have been so much easier to just die, when I had my heart attack,
and not have had to fight through this struggle.

It does get easier and better with time.
Time is the great healer except for those little parts of
us that just won’t ever be the same. The parts of joy,
finding wonder in life, those days have been pretty snuffed
out for me. It’s been a long, manipulative, abusive,
psychologically messed up journey.
A journey I am absolutely finished with.

You are right: “If I am going to obsess about something, it will be something beneficial to me”.
I can think of ANYTHING being more beneficial to me than allowing this garbage to continue in my life.

THE ONLY SPOT OF PEACEFULNESS and STRENGTH
is in a state of NC. THE ONLY WAY. It is difficult
‘breaking free’ but it is an absolute necessity.
It is the only true way to survive.

Dupey

Zootowngirl–

So eloquently put; you are a very gifted writer.

This quote in particular resonated with me “though sometimes I believe I would accept the bad in order to also have the good.”

For our last year or so together I literally–and knowingly–tried to look the other way and ignore his bad behavior (which was really bad–cheating, lying, verbal abuse) because the good times were soooo good and definitely more plentiful than the bad.

And every time I’d left him before I was miserable without him (this was before I understood about my addiction), so I figured it couldn’t be worse than that.

And as long as I never said “no” to sex or questioned his obvious lies, I could pretty much avoid the verbal abuse part. I couldn’t control his cheating or lying though.

Each time I was able to look the other way for about a week before I’d catch him in a lie that I just couldn’t ignore as hard as I tried. I’d leave, he’d promise to change, I’d stupidly believe him and go back, and the same thing would happen a week or so later.

Even now, 8 months after the official end of our relationship, I spend lots of time missing and craving him and have to make a conscious effort to remember what he’s really like.

Saw this pertinent quote on another N/S/P site:

“What do you know today that you’re going to find out in 12 months???”

This is to all of you: I’m still in my Spath Relationship and everytime I read this blog…. it’s like a fist hitting me right in the gut…. letting me know. that I must end this “dying” inside. Thank you all for the tremendous words you write ……it reaffirms to me that “I” am “OK”…. and It REALLY is him. So much of what you all respond with is like I’m reading my own life… as you all know.. so much of the the Spaths’ traits we’ve all experienced.. yet right now.. I “remain”… addicted.. I hope I wake up soon. Love to all! I thank God I found this site.!

Hello Savvy,

Welcome and I hope you can find the strength to do what is right for you. If that is making a new life for yourself then I wish you lots of luck. I have been where you are. Unsure and in denial, scared to make a move and questioning whether it really is him?

Savvy, it’s him. Read, absorb, learn and plan your escape. You don’t say whether you have children or how long you have been with your partner but I hope you can see a way out. Don’t put up with abuse etc……you are worth so much more and you deserve to be happy!

Good luck. SW

Thank you Strongawoman….2 1/2 years now…. not sure how much longer…though.. it’s hard… to leave it…as you all must know..:) Best day to all!

First let me give a shout out to ox. I couldn’t have gotten through my ordeal without her. 4 years ago my SPATH left me 6 months pregnant with a glimmer in his eye. After him I went through a series of boyfriends, all if which were terrible. Since then I have been in love addiction therapy and it really put the closure on all of it. I have been single, celibate, and happy for a year now. I would go as far as to say I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in my whole life. What led me to the SpATH was indeed addiction. The pain of no contact was withdrawal. Once we get passed the addiction and truely come to love a power greater then ourselves other then crappy men; life gets way better. Looking at it as an addiction also allow us to take responsibility for our decisions. Today I asked myself if I would do it again, go through what I went through with the SPATH knowing what I know today. I would do it again in a heartbeat, because I have the most amazing 4 year old.

To all the addicts out there – please don’t try to lessen your pain by “just one phone call, text, etc.” It doesn’t work! It just makes things worse than they ever were. Please pull one more ounce of strenth from your soul and remain NC – I fell off he wagon yesterday and made that call.

The last contact I had from him was a call on Aug. 2nd that I didn’t answer and let the call go to the answering machine. He did not leave a message. I was in such pain yesterday I called his apartment when I knew he was at work. I didn’t want to talk to him, if I had I would have called him at work or on his cell. I knew he was renting a house, in another town, with his new girlfriend and expected to hear “this number is no longer in service”. For some reason I thought that would give me some kind of closure.

When I called the phone just rang and rang. I thought the phone company had not connected that message yet. Then, about a half hour later I get a call from him. And yes, I answered it. It was him and he had known I called. It seems his girl friend is living at his apartment until they move and had seen the caller ID and told him I had called.

We had a brief conversation in which he said he had called me on the 2nd to thank me for the great reference I had given his real estate agent and they would be moving into their cute little house two blocks from the beach on the 1st of next month.

I blabbered something about still being friends since I was at a loss as to what to say. He said he would call sometime and we could have a talk. Talk about what? The whole conversation with him this time was sill full of his lies. Now I am more devistated than I was before, if thats even possible.

So please fellow addicts, take it from one who knows, NO CONTACT is the only way to go. Now I feel like I have lost my self respect and put myself back at square one and have to start all over again. This hold they have over us is overwhelming and will destroy you if you let it.

I am still trying to come to grips as to how this happened. When I moved and broke up with I was the happiest person in AZ. I saw the beauty everwhere and thanked God daily for his blessing. But when he cut off contact I went into a tailspin. I did not understand what was happening to me until I came across LF. Then I realized my addiction. Isn’t if funny that when you remember the spath you mostly remember the “good” times and seem to forget the rest. My counslor tells me that this is not about the spath but some deeper emotions I need to purge. Maybe she is right, but I have no idea how to do this. I have followed all her suggestions to no avail.

I had to reschedule my appointment with her yesterday because of a doctor’s appointment but will see her again next Monday. All I have to do is hold out till then.

My heart and soul are gone and I am at the depths of dispair, and, if it weren’t for this site I don’t know where I would be. PLEASE, believe my warning. NO CONTACT!!!

Dear Savvy,

Indeed I know how hard it is to leave. It’s one of the hardest things i’ve ever had to do. But it’s one of the most valuable lessons I have ever learnt in my life.

If you don’t have kids then run. If you do have kids then run. Basically if you are involved with a spath, get out asap. In my exp and many others here, life with a spath is the road to hell. Sadly some people don’t see it for what it is until they are in too deep.

Savvy ,I hope you are my dear.

Hi Stormy,

Here have a big hug….now you have to pull yourself up and start the NC rule again. It is hard to resist the temptation but you will get your fingers burned over and over and …….as you have found out. I totally agree with Bird…Hi btway…..the addiction is what is making you crazy! Withdrawal symptoms are terrible….you gotta go there to come back, however.

Sending you big virtual muscles to aid your quest. Stop punishing yourself and go out and treat yourself to something nice!!

Zootowngirl, in your article, I can see what loving a person you are. We have all been the master pretzel makers trying to find a twist pattern that pleases them and to no avail. Nothing we do is right for them.

BIRD! I remember you from when you were pregnant and I too, know the joys of motherhood (and being a Grandma) and I’m so happy for you and you sound so strong! Yes, a huge shout out to OXY!! Where is she? She will love this article. Her posts have helped me so much. She is so entertaining!

Hi All,
I too lurk here often but post rarely. I feel so bound up sometimes that I have no idea what I would write. But man, have I been through it. I have volunteered to be a victim! Unbeleivable.

To Back from the edge/Dupey,
YES, YOU WERE SPARED FOR A PURPOSE. I’m praying that your heart will hold out until it’s fullfilled. You are wonderful and if you will go to youtube and watch the Kat Kerr videos about Heaven, you will have a greater understanding. When you wrote, ” that just won’t ever be the same. The parts of joy,
finding wonder in life, those days have been pretty snuffed
out for me.” If you watch her videos about Heaven, you will find your joy again. God decides if he needs us up there or down here. It wasn’t a fluke that you lived.

The love of the Father pours out of me to all of you. We have suffered so much…the only thing that has helped me is the joy of the Lord. I just sob with happiness when I read HIS word. I wonder why these types even exist. I plan to ask HIM. Well, I have asked, I still don’t know but one day I will know.

Yes, I have two Narc/Sociopaths in my life. I haven’t gone NC all the way. Someday I will. Partly I was running a 10 year test to see if they do change at all or now. (We have been broken up and apart but have kept in contact. It was this man, R, that drove me to the web and I found LF.) In that way I volunteered to be a victim. Yikes, what was I thinking. I’ve just spent the last few days sorting out what I thought was a simple conversation with my Ex Narc. I found the bits of abuse that I was looking for. So suble it was. Took me days to sort it through. They don’t change, they just get better at the falsehoods, shaming us, etc.

Much love to all.

First of all, a short intro. I have been in and out of a relationship with a man who is either an S-path and/or has borderline personality disorder. I’ve always suspected something was wrong…but the contradictory behavior (like…saying something mean…but then having a big bright smile right after) would always throw me off and drive me nuts. Every time he has gotten close, he pushed me away in the same proportion. This time, he became the sweetest he has ever been for 2 months, but a week ago he turned around and said we shouldn’t have contact for a while and “he knows we’re good for each other” but he has “self-image problems” and “can’t be the man he wants to be.” Which I’m guessing refers to cheating he has been hiding.

Anyway, I miss him SO much. Even though I know he’s treated me badly. I don’t know if I can get through this. I hope and pray I can. I just don’t know HOW. It’s like being lost in a desert, which is bad enough, but then all of a sudden the sun’s light dies. I know it sounds dramatic but…you all I’m sure understand.

If anyone feels that borderline personality disorder was a feature in the spath you were dealing with, do tell me about that. I feel like one way for me to stop the yearning is so be RATIONAL and ACCEPT he is SICK.

Much Love,
Lana

Sunshine Lana, this is a great article about BPD males. Very enlightening. I have to go to work, but will post more later.

http://gettinbetter.com/casanova.html

It has been a long time since I posted, maybe years! My advice, having gone through all of it, is start filling your head with common sense and good relationship info. Yes, start loving yourself, having so much pride that you realize people with “problems” don’t belong in your life. You are not the mother of the world. If you want to help solve problems, work on lack of clean water, animal abuse, etc.: real problems with real victims. Read all you can on places like Oprah.

One of the best places for getting your head on straight is reading at http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/list-of-posts/

I think of reading there as daily meds against all the poison you’ve been fed for so many years. Pretty soon you will be able to laugh at someone who calls you a stupid f*cking c*nt, because THEIR opinion, or anyone else’s, doesn’t matter. YOU know the truth about you. I’m not even sure what a stupid f*cking c*nt is! What does that mean exactly? LOL! It is just a generic insult when that is the best someone can come up with…a generic insult. That is a pretty pathetic insult.

After awhile you know that what people say and think tells everything about them, and very little about you.

Good luck and get the creeps out of your life, get the needy little boys out of your life, and LIVE…with joy! Do one more thing each day that makes you joyful. Start thinking about YOU. Positively!

Go volunteer some place that is known for treating their volunteers right. You need a lot of praise lavished on you now. You do! And you deserve to have the brainwashing negativity washed right out of your head. Vow to shut off his voice in your head. No trespassing!

Neveragain,
I remember you too. I don’t post that much.

Hey Everyone: baggagereclaim is a great website!! she breaksdown a lot of their techniques. It’s lighter than LF but every bit as helpful. Get articles on self esteem etc. If you are dating again, her insight is really helpful on red flag behaivor.

Zootowngirl,

Very powerful confession of your addiction. I felt so much of this in my veins as I read it.

The only thing that struck me funny was the “passive aggressive” thing. The Bad Man liked to say things like that to me whenever I expressed my pain. He always had a way of discrediting my pain or the way I expressed myself. In fact, I do recall that he called me “cunning” and “tricky” at one point which is a laugh! Anyone that knows me either here at LF (I don’t post that much these days) or in my personal life would fall over laughing at the words “cunning and tricky.” I am very honest and straightforward. No tricks.

What I am suggesting is to examine in what context he called you “passive aggressive.” I bet it really was not a fit.

What I have learned as well, is that when people call us names, those of us with poor self esteem who “loathe to displease others” (as one of the articles in LF describes), it is a means to disarm you and put you on the defense.

Put simpler.. when someone calls you a name, ask yourself, what is it that the other person is trying to divert my attention away from? Name calling is nothing but smoke and mirrors to make you start defending yourself and your character and to make you forget all about the plain facts… the other person is abusing you.

SIMPLE.

All the best… and here’s to your recovery from your addiction! You can do it. I did.

Aloha

P.S. These day, I NEVER miss the Bad Man. NEVER.

Oxy,

Do you remember the article that went something like “Sociopath’s choose partners who loathe to displease them?”

I can’t find it and I think it needs to be resurrected here.

XO Aloha

Thank you for the advice and thank you for the link, Kim! Yes, any insight on experiences with BPD relationships with men I would love.

I realized today I have a fear that as time goes by, I will long for his presence more and more. I hope that it is the opposite and that more rational thinking replaces these magnified/twisted feelings of attachment.
So scared right now :\

Hi Aloha, Its good to see you.and I LOVED it when you said this……….

“P.S. These day, I NEVER miss the Bad Man. NEVER. ”

Towaaaaaaanda baby!!!!! I can’t wait til I can say that. Thanks.

Hello Neveragain, thanks for the link. Already had a little peek….it looks great so thank you.

Sunshine Lana,
stick around. Read, post and learn the only way is the highway. The highway for him…..good riddance!! and NC for you. You will heal but it takes time and NC.

Hugs and strength to you

Aloha – great to see you! Here is the article

Exploiters seek partners who dread to displease them

http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2008/10/23/exploiters-seek-partners-who-dread-to-displease-them/

Bird and Aloha – you both make me smile….henry

Aloha, yes, I remember that article and I agree it needs to be resurfaced here. I can so relate to that with the man I dated after my husband died. I was so needy and I didn’t dare to displease him…

Glad to see you back here too. Did you finish up your masters? I am so proud of you,, for all you have accomplished, proud of you and also FOR you! You are a great light for us all to follow.

Been crazy around here with the horrible weather, NO rain and no crops and NO hay….farmers and others suffering and fires in the area and we got rain and it blew the roof off my studio and part of the hangar so we’ve been going crazy around here. Plus our internet connection went down and had to change that around was off line completely for nearly two weeks. (almost had withdrawl seizures from my Love Fraud Addiction!)

I did do something nice for myself though and my son and I took two days and had a mini-vacation at a spa and hotel (got hot mineral baths and massages) at a resort then spent the day at a museum. Wish we could have stayed a couple of weeks but had to get back to the critters and the repairs, but did feel nice to do something nice for Oxy!

Well you wrote my list, I recognized this three years ago, after reading a book, in the search of answers, how can I miss a person who did so many bad things. But I did. I read a book called “Who’s pulling your strings?” by Harriet B. Braiker. Thisb ook expalnied the manipulation and games around it. Then I knew about my addiction to him, even to his punishment, his aliniation, his leaving for hours, and I would sit and wait for him to come out of this phase and would wait for happy him again and would say sorry to things i never did, because that what would bring him back until next time.

I am on search of many tools now to heal, just words don’t heal, there has to be very concious effort to come out of this addiction.

Zootowngirl and Everyone else,

This is Me!!

A week after I filed for divorce, I told my siblings… I was addicted to him. I am going through withdrawls. I had Stockholm Syndrome. I was in love with my captor. I knew it like the sun will rise tomorrow.

That is why I feel flawed. Not because I loved him and he didn’t return love. (real love) I feel flawed for putting up with crap that I NEVER should’ve. I wanted his approval worse than you all know. The thing is… most of you here all DO know.

He would tell me I was hysterical when I disagreed.
He told I was passive aggressive. I rarely felt heard or validated.
He told me his mother had to walk on eggshells around me because nobody could figure out what I want.

I too came to fully realize that I couldn’t ask for what I need without being rejected or ridiculed or told that I am selfish. It becomes a painful, lonely feeling.

I became resentful. I had so much resentfulness. I was killing myself to win approval that I would never get. Monsters don’t give approval.

He also took a swing at me and denied it. That was my turning point. I filed for divorce a month later. At least I had it in my head that NEVER would I allow him to hit me. It was probably almost the only boundary line I had.

The good news is this. I am liking myself more than I have in ten years as the healing takes place.

Oxy, so nice to read that you did something nice for yourself. You were one of the first rays of sunshine I found on LF.

Oxy, so very glad to see you are back. Always think of you as the ‘point man’ on LF, the one who guides the troops through the mine fields. You are much loved and surely missed when not here. Hugs. Shalom

kim frederick:

Thank you sooooo much for the link on BPD males. I have been reading, reading, reading…so much good info and describes my spath completely. I thought he was narcissistic at best and sociopathic at worst, but now I see he is full blown BPD.

Oxy, it’s so good to “see” you back. I hope that your recovery is going smoothly!

Brightest blessings

((((((OXY))))))) Hoping you are recovering comfortably after surgery. We have missed you.

Guys, the surgery is not yet….it was “aborted” on the OR table when he found a TINY blister on my heel and was afraid of infection since it was under where the post surgical cast will be, so it is rescheduled for Aug 22….in addition to the cancelation of the surgery, the wind blew the roof off my studio and we are dealing with the damage (major) plus, my internet went down for two weeks while we dealt with all of the above….whew! Tired just thinking about it. Still not got it all done, but the internet is up again. I had 1800 e mails waiting for me! LOL

But I am glad to be back, I had “withdrawl” seizures from lack of LoveFraud. LOL

It is good to see so many new authors and so many new bloggers though, and will take me a while to catch up.

OxD, oh, geeeeeeeesh……..I really feel badly for you. Gearing up for a surgery is so stressful, and having all of that stress compounded by a delay…gosh, OxD.

HUGS TO YOU!!!

(((((((Oxy)))))))

🙁 Really sorry to hear about your troubles. That’s really awful about the aborted surgery. And your roof – well that’s just not fun. I know you know how to get through all kinds of adversity – doesn’t mean it doesn’t suck. Chin up my friend. Sending you good thoughts.

Ox,
Glad to hear your ok..now i can send the card I never got in the mail for your foot surgery..see?everything happens for a reason…

Ox: welcome back.
I am so sorry about the devastation on your place.
I hope and pray that things are starting to get a little
‘normal’ again for you. I hope you have lots of help.

Sorry about you having to go through surgery now too!
I will remember you in my thoughts and prayers, Ox.

I was doing chores, in the AMAZING peace and quiet, and heard the following song and wanted to share it with all of you:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G5Fen88GBCo&feature=related

Thanks, Strongawoman. Love your screen name btw.
As I follow all you guys & your posts, gives me hope that things do get better with time. It’s not confusion and crazymaking residue forever. Sometimes, it’s only the passage of time that heals certain things.
I hope I’ll be able to see a guy as date material one day soon. Right now though, I feel so numb…so no room for that right now. Just room for healing and remembering what is important.

Well thank you Sunshine_Lana,

Dya remember Wonderwoman? I suppose I wanted to have a superhero name…..only this time I’m only saving myself, not some toxic man who doesn’t deserve or need saving. My ex would call me weak and now I have learned that I’m not that. I’m not anything he ever accused me of. He is disordered but he can still choose to do what is right. It’s not in his interest to do that, however.

Yes you’re right the passage of time does make it easier to accept. Absence doesn’t make the heart grow stronger in the case of spaths.

There’s a lot of support here. It’s a wonderful place full of people who have experienced what you are going through. And what you have experienced will make you stronger. I can most definitely testify to that.

When I first came here, Dupey said to me…..remember your value and your worth. Now I’m passing that onto you my dear. Good luck and when you feel the pull push of the spath…..remember your wonderwoman knickers, lol.

Oxy,

I missed you! Sorry to hear about the roof, and the delay for the surgery on your foot. But it’s good to see your name again. Hugs!

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