Editor’s note: The following was posted as a comment by the Lovefraud reader “Zootowngirl.” She eloquently expressed ideas that many other readers can certainly understand.
I read the articles and comments posted on Lovefraud.com and I see my life, or parts of it, described over and over again. I see things my ex did (or didn’t do) written in the words of other people. I see myself in their stories. Often I find myself thinking, “Thank God my experience wasn’t that bad or that long,” and other times I nod my head in silent, humiliated understanding that comes with first hand knowledge of the horror stories people share.
My ex has the most beautiful soul. He is kind and compassionate and loving. He is the most thrilling person I’ve ever known. Until he’s not. When he’s upset or inconvenienced or, God forbid, angry, he turns into someone cold and hostile. His comments are scathing, filled with razor sharp words that open veins in my heart and leave me gasping at the pain. He is a master at flaying open my emotions and then disavowing any responsibility or ill intent. He used to tell me that I didn’t understand what he meant, that I was hysterical, or that I twisted his meaning for my own passive aggressive purposes. Maybe I was passive aggressive. Never mind the “maybe.” I was passive aggressive. That’s what happens when I can’t ask for what I need without being rejected or ridiculed or told that I am selfish for expecting something from him. I’d like to blame him for it but I’m the boss of me. I’m the one who made the choice to be passive aggressive. I have to own that. And I have to own that I still don’t fully fathom the impact he’s had on me.
I’m an addict.
I’m addicted to him.
I’m addicted to the way I feel when I’m with him the good, not the bad, though sometimes I believe I would accept the bad in order to also have the good. Maybe, possibly, if I’m just good enough and try hard enough and all the stars are aligned then maybe I’ll get some of the good. He’s so misunderstood, you see? He tells me so and so I have to believe that I’m just not giving him enough credit or being fair or being realistic. And he has ”legitimate excuses” for everything he does or doesn’t do. He was depressed. Then there was the physical pain: his elbow, his back, his guts. Then there was the dizziness that came and went, sometimes confining him to bed with the remote and sometimes miraculously disappearing just when something entertaining was planned. Then there was the encroachment of his privacy after we had to get roommates in order to help pay the rent because we only had my disability income to live on and all the money left to me by my father was gone at last. Then there were the accusations of flirting and disloyalty on my part that made him sad and sent him back into that depression. Then there was the day he called me a “stupid f*cking c*nt” and told me that he “deserved better from the woman who supposedly loved him.” Except I wasn’t supposed to internalize those words because he was just processing his thoughts about the anger he’d felt over something trivial and thought he could share that processing with me. But he didn’t explain that he was recalling his thoughts or just processing them and wondering why he’d thought and felt those things. He just said the words aloud and left me to sit with them for 2 weeks and then, when I finally broke down in tears over them said, “What?! Oh God! I was just describing what I felt at the time! Not what I think of you!” and the logic of that escaped me because the words had had 2 weeks to sit inside of me, carving themselves into my cells. Eight months later, they still echo in my head almost every hour of every day. But I’m not allowed to be hurt or be upset by them because, of course, they’re not true. He was just processing his feelings. I’m supposed to be glad he did that, right? That’s what women want, right? A man who will process his feelings with her.
I’m addicted to the memory of him when he was in a good mood and loved me.
I’m addicted to the energy and space he took up in every place we were together.
I was addicted to the constant texting and phone calls that happened before we lived together and the roller coaster drama of trying to prove that he should choose me and not that other woman because she’s a liar and a cheat while I’m faithful and devoted and loyal and dedicated no matter what he does or says or what promises he broke in the 3 years before we lived together.
I was addicted to proving that I’m good enough and that I can accept and forgive and love him unconditionally while he spent time trying to decide between us, despite having gone back on his assurance that he was going to give her up and come be with me a half dozen times or more.
I was addicted to putting him back together after she chewed him up and spit him out and to being his best friend while he agonized over how much she hurt him and to being the woman he turned at last to because he suddenly realized that I’m the right choice and I’m the perfect person for him.
I was addicted to riding out his struggle with commitment and his inability to plan for the future because so many other women have hurt him and left him and devastated him.
I was addicted to proving to him that I’ll stand by him always, no matter the hardship, no matter the tests he throws my way, no matter the pain he causes.
I was addicted to martyring myself to his cause, to being the true blue girl in his life.
I’m addicted to him the way a child is perversely compelled to continuing to love the father that abused her and the mother that abandoned her, always going back for more, always desperate to prove she is worthy of their love because she thinks that if she just loves well enough or loves the right way then love won’t continue to hurt her the way it does now.
I’m addicted to continuing to send messages to his phone from my email. He makes unfair statements and I get angry and find myself glad that I broke up with him and just when I start to think I did the right thing he lifts me up with loving words and apologies and I sob over the fact that I’m the horrible person who “destroyed his life”
I’m addicted to the way he says, “It was my fault for not loving you well enough baby,” as if somehow that love will seep into me from the computer screen and make it possible for me to trust myself again ”¦ after so many do-overs and so many 2nd chances that the idea of it only being a “second” chance is laughable. More like a 30th or 40th chance.
I’m addicted to being able to tell him exactly how much pain he caused me without any immediate consequence and watching his apologies and regret appear in my chat window ”¦ knowing that he’ll manage to turn things around so they become guilt trips rather than accountability ”¦ and praying that it won’t happen because that might be a sign from God that he’s sincerely sorry and things would be different this time. This 41st second chance.
I’m addicted to apologizing ”¦ to feeling guilty ”¦ to punishing myself ”¦ to hating myself for ending our relationship ”¦ for ending my dream ”¦ so that he’ll understand that I really did love him. I just have to love him from a distance now because I can’t live in a home where both of us hate me. It’s painful enough that I hate myself for not being good enough for him, that I hate my inadequacy and my inability to live up to even his most basic expectations.
I’m addicted to reminding myself that he almost punched me in the face once, to reminding myself that that is reason enough to have left him. And I’m addicted to being angry at him because he says, “But I didn’t actually hit you!” I’m angry at him for that because it’s the lamest response I can think of to an act of aggression that could have turned into an act of violence. And I’m angry because I’m addicted to telling myself, “It could have been worse. So many people have it so much worse. Just let it go. He didn’t actually hit you.”
I’m addicted to trying to take less responsibility for the way my life turned out ”¦ to blaming him for what hurts me. And I’m addicted to being angry at myself for the way my life turned out ”¦ and angry at myself for blaming him for what hurts me. I’m addicted to that anger because I’m accountable for myself and my life and for what I allow ”¦ and no matter how much I felt like I loved him ”¦ I was supposed to love myself first and best and I didn’t.
I’m addicted to my new reality ”¦ the reality in which nothing seems right without that drama and chaos even though this calm, quiet, peaceful life is healthier and safer and more trustworthy. Even though this life is beautiful. And I’m angry at myself for this particular addiction more than anything else.
That’s how I know I’m an addict. I’m a co-dependent, enabling, door mat of an addict.
Because when I say that I miss the way I felt when I was with him ”¦ I know that’s my addiction doing the talking.
Because when I’m honest with myself I can say that most days I felt desperate to prove to him that I was worthy of his notice.
Most days I felt like a piece of worthless garbage.
Most days I felt like I was a stupid f*cking c*nt and that he deserved better than me.
And that may not be entirely his fault ”¦ because I participated.
But most days I felt incapable of being anything other than that worthless piece of garbage and I don’t know how someone who “supposedly” loved me could not see that there was something wrong.
I know I’m an addict ”¦ because I was willingly living on scraps ”¦”¦ and I was starving ”¦ and it was killing me ”¦ and I miss that feeling of dying.
Truthspeak:
Apparently, I only wanted the illusion because the “real” him is crap. He knows it. That is why he drinks…it’s comforting his shame. He knows he is nothing. That is why I think he likes OW, she is the same way. They have identified this in each other. I am too strong for him…too resolved. Even though I have groveled and begged him, there is an underlying of strength there. He doesn’t want that. He wants a codependent.
Exactly…I felt JUST like you and I think as we all have…if only I was this or that or if I did this or that. In the end, none of it matters. I do still ask myself then why does he still want HER and not me? But I don’t know and I will never know. My life would only be chaos with him. Like I said, let others have him.
Yes, the TRUTH hurts that they just didn’t want us despite us loving them more than anything. They didn’t care about us. Maybe they care about the others…we don’t know and will never know. They have their own reasons for all the things they do. Their minds do not work like ours and for me personally, I think that was a hook. His mind intrigued me, but I never captured HIS mind and that is what it is all about.
Thank you for saying I sound strong!! Woo hoo for me!!! I am getting there. HUGS.
Louise,
It sounds as if they were made for each other. but truly neither will win.
You are so much better off without this person in your life.
As hard as it is to get past that point- it sounds like you are well on your way.
I too wish the “P” I was married to would lose his job, but I need the health insurance …it would be a big blow to him if he were to lose it because he has total control with no one to reel him in.
Take care Louise.
discovering:
I think they were made for each other and even though it’s in a disordered way, it’s still a little hard to accept. But I am keeping that in my brain…it doesn’t matter…it’s disordered and wrong…they will just keep spiraling down the drain. Everything they both touch turns to sh*&. I AM better off without him in it. I was only in turmoil all the time when I was in contact with him. Then I only created the turmoil myself in my head.
I get that about your P losing his job. Wouldn’t be good for you. That is what I have thought about with spath…his poor family. But it’s not for me to worry about.
Yep, spath had ALL the control at his job and he lost it all. The power went to his head big time and it finally caught up with him. He thought he would never get caught and he FINALLY did.
You take care, too. Let’s try to make it a GOOD day. HUGS.
Serinity12
You are right not to feel too guilty for your cheating with him and the failure of his relationship. The one I was with did the same thing to me. When he met me I was married and he also had a woman he was dating to cultivate into the girlfriend. I didn’t know he was seeing someone else until 3 months later when I was thoroughly hooked. He said he wasn’t really attracted to her. He just thought it wasn’t fair that he was alone and I had a husband. BS,BS,BS. He knew my marriage was coming to an end and it was a horrible relationship. I bought it because I was so “in love” with him and did something I had never thought I would do. I compromised my values and principles because I was so addicted. His x may not like you but, you are right in thinking you actually did her a favor. There are a lot of good thing in life that we do that are never acknowledged but, we are the ones who have to look in the mirror. I did something that I have never done and will never do again. I cheated with someone behind another woman’s back but, I know I was brainwashed (so to speak). Don’t beat yourself up about that. Again, they are very good at what they do. They have been doing it since DAY ONE.
Blue, I TOTALLY hear you about the whole “friends” thing my spath wanted to hang out and work on a friendship. i thought things were “mature” and we were trying to agree and accept we didn’t get along as a couple but “lets work on a friendship” It had been a month and he kept telling me to move on and find someone that makes me happy and he is doing the same….I thought “Wow this is really healthy” One night I went to his house to visit his son(as friends) and as I’m GIVING HIS CHILD A BATH….he went through my phone and facebook(what friend does that) and saw texts and calls to other people I was seeing…because he told me to move on and we were friends?? Then things got BAD!! I was the instant psycho, he said I was “dangerous” to him and his son but here’s the kicker….he read all of that stuff, I finished the bath, then HE TRIED TO HAVE SEX WITH ME!!! When I declined(because we were “friends”) he brought up the fact he checked my phone… AFTER he tried to get me into bed!! Then kicked me out calling me crazy, a liar, deceitful, manipulative, and has blocked me from his phone with the exception of email…. I went crazy a few weeks ago and was trying DESPERATELY to talk to him and tell him that HE TOLD ME TO MOVE ON!! He knows its true but can’t admit it he’s just JEALOUS and lost control….
So moral of the story I realize that a friendship will NEVER be possible!! I’ve given that up.
In terms of the blocking: I know its hard. So many times I’d block him, then unblock him HOPING he would reach out and apologize for that night. I attempted yesterday to give him that chance…no luck and had a terrible day. His control comes from making me feel that I was the nail in the coffin and ruined “Any chance of a friendship” as he puts it. Yesterday I blocked everything…. It’s hard…. I just keep taking deep breaths. I feel you.
Louise:
I’m sorry that happened to you and I agree that he will discard her very soon. In the end I ended up being humiliated as well…I kept trying and trying and emailing and texting with NO response. Like you through the GRACE OF GOD I had an opportunity fall in my lap to transfer schools and my life is WAY less stressful not have to worry about where he is at work…someone is looking out for us that’s for sure!!
Also something you said really helped me..you explained that she would lie to you etc like she was a part of it etc. I NEVER did that so I feel better about that. My spath’s ex THOUGHT that I was a liar and a manipulator and part of a scandal to get her out al all costs. I was TOLD by my spath that they were just friends and living together and ok to see other people and they were in the works of moving into separate residences…. Not at ALL true!! But she didn’t see my side because she was SO duped by him. And would he defend me to her?? Of course not. He told me constantly that I was a good person, didn’t know, blah blah….she agreed to talk to me a few months back and was in total denial and said he told her about all of the “psycho stuff” I would do. That “psycho stuff” like calling over and over, texing, (with no response when he was angry) He would tell her I stalked him. I was SHOCKED(at the time) he told her this stuff…that was my darkest moment and someone that LOVES me would keep that between us. He was just trying to bash me to have her as a back-up!! She still doesn’t believe me. Its frustrating.
Kmiller, thanks for the boost on that. I’m trying not to beat myself up about it. I just wish she understood who I am and that I was lied to….and so was she.
I’d like to say hello to everyone and hope you are all doing OK. Better than that if possible. I stopped blogging here because I thought it was keeping me tied to spath, Godzilla. I know that is selfish in that you never know who you might help by reaching out, but I know there are so many amazing people out here, no dearth of knowledge or experience. I am so sorry that that is the case. So many good people, sensitive, thoughtful, caring human beings torn apart by these mutant freaks of nature.
Zootowngirl’s tragic description of her addiction rings many bells for me, as I too have an addictive nature and was definitely glued to my non-relationship with a heinous monster and all the emotions, neg and positive that went with it. For me, he was a muse, distraction and fantasy. He was my mental “go-to” when I was worried, anxious, feeling guilty or scared about life. Letting go of that and having to face the terrible realities of joblessness, aging, life, death, regrets, guilts out the ying-yang, the fact that I do not know myself, therefore a weak, useless film of a person is almost intolerable. But it has come to that.
After 1 1/2 yrs, I think I realize I won’t be hearing from him again. And I haven’t made contact. Why would I?
I do feel like an ass and a fool and at the same time, lost and sick. So much like Zootowngirl describes. However, she and all of you actually had relationships and good reason to feel your feelings, and honestly, you have all my respect.
On the other hand, I had nothing with this creature in any way, physical, emotional or mental, yet I pretended because he said he found me attractive, appreciated me, let me know in bizarre ways I was significant in his life., Because of his sickness, he would speak to me in ways that indicated we had a history. I thought that was a sign, that he had emotional ties to me for some reason, some ethereal and meaningful connection. Unbelieveable.
Of course, in hindsight, I see that I should have turned him in or at least let him know that it would be better to stop flirting around. He asked me if he should stop but I was so into what he represented to me at the time, I told him I loved it and not to stop. I could slap my own face. I believed in him because I couldn’t understand how he could put himself out there as he did when he wasn’t ignoring or dismissing me (“why don’t you and your husband move to CA – it seems like you’d love it there”! Whaaaaaaaaaaaat? You just asked me to go out of town with you….how are you now pushing me out of your life?)
He was the boss, the head of the office of 100 people! He had a family, albeit was miserable in his marriage. But how is it that he flirted, asked me to go away w/him, etc., and wasn’t afraid I’d out him to *his* boss? That’s why I thought he cared! Why would anyone put their job, their family, their reputation, their finances in jeopardy unless it was for feelings so strong and huge, I was almost afraid of them? I didn’t know he was certifiably, organically insane! I just thought OK, well, we’re doing the May-Dec thing (I’m 13 yrs older) but his marriage is crumbling and mine is in need of a boot in the pants, so hell, why not? Look at what he’s putting on the line for me!! Scary! I’ll be his friend, I’ll go to movies, dinner, etc., w/him and let the rest fall into place.
I never entertained a sexual r.ship because that’s not how I roll and never have. We could see what might happen in the future, but just having someone that attracted to me at this stage in life was huge. And often when we were together, it felt so easy, the rest of the world…..gone. I was so so so so stupid and so addicted, just as “Zoo” describes.
I’m pretty sure that all the bad things that have befallen me since meeting him are punishments for my behavior.
I fear every day for what’s next. I’m scared. I don’t feel strong. And angry for allowing this phantom to invade my head and my life and become more important than my family. Now that I’m coming out of that joke, it just turns right into guilt and sickness. I don’t want any men anymore. If not for severe anxiety over so many years, I’d leave just to let my husband have a life. I so want that for him. And I so want peace.
Tx for listening.
“His mind intrigued me, but I never captured HIS mind and that is what it is all about.”
Good point Louise…sorry, I did not read any comments till after I posted.
I just wanted to add to post that paths are supposedly 3 yrs old emotionally and that is probably the most helpful thing that I’ve picked up over time. It completely explains the instant grat, forgetfulness, ability to just walk off to the next toy, no regrets, no understanding. It’s difficult to connect that knowledge to these glib, intelligent, weirdly intuitive morons, but it IS true. They do not have any emotional intelligence…have not gone past 3 yrs old. I saw this in Godzilla so clearly, esp at the end when his time was short. He lied, yelled, grabbed the table we were sitting at, just like a crazed tantruming child who finally got caught with the hand in the proverbial cooky jar.
Still, I know what you mean about detaching from this site because it still keeps you connected to him…but I’m glad you’re back because I agree with everyone on here that knowledge is power. And I learn something that relates to my spath every day that blows my mind how spot on the connections are. It helps me put things into perspective. It makes me love him less. It makes me say: “It’s not ME its HIM!! HIS uncontrollable illness!” I want to face this and own that it happened to me…if I do the “out of sight out of mind” I worry I could make the same mistake. Since I’m still learning I want and need to suck up any and every bit of information I can. Even what you said about them being emotionally 3 years old makes TOTAL sense and I never thought of that!!
Hi Serenity,
I’m glad the 3 yr old thing was helpful. As I said, it really helped me out. It substantiates almost every stupid thing they do. It does *not*, at least in my eyes, absolve them of their heinous, miserable crimes to others. They know right from wrong, just don’t want to acknowledge or act upon it. Only unhinge when *they* feel pain.
The “It’s not me, Its HIM,” really resonates here because I said that to Godz during a really irrational, insane email exchange towards the end. I told him I didn’t want to be friends anymore except cordial at work (I had had it with his discordant and irrational behavior). He sent me about 14 emails that went from “I’m sick ” to “You’re being rash,” to whatever crap he was spewing. 14 or more of them. Finally I answered back and said, “IT’S NOT ME!”He replied with his favorite, 3 yr old mantra, “I’m sorry.” Later I got an email w/a beautiful song attached but I knew that was just crap.
Thx Serenity and Still reeling, I am having a very emotional day and hearing that they are 3 year olds -emotionally, some how makes it less painful for me. I am in so much pain today…and knowing he walked away to OW, like nothing ever happened between us, has left me torn to shreds. Thx for all of you being here. I do not know how I would hold up some days without this place for connnection and grounding.
Blue