Editor’s note: The following was posted as a comment by the Lovefraud reader “Zootowngirl.” She eloquently expressed ideas that many other readers can certainly understand.
I read the articles and comments posted on Lovefraud.com and I see my life, or parts of it, described over and over again. I see things my ex did (or didn’t do) written in the words of other people. I see myself in their stories. Often I find myself thinking, “Thank God my experience wasn’t that bad or that long,” and other times I nod my head in silent, humiliated understanding that comes with first hand knowledge of the horror stories people share.
My ex has the most beautiful soul. He is kind and compassionate and loving. He is the most thrilling person I’ve ever known. Until he’s not. When he’s upset or inconvenienced or, God forbid, angry, he turns into someone cold and hostile. His comments are scathing, filled with razor sharp words that open veins in my heart and leave me gasping at the pain. He is a master at flaying open my emotions and then disavowing any responsibility or ill intent. He used to tell me that I didn’t understand what he meant, that I was hysterical, or that I twisted his meaning for my own passive aggressive purposes. Maybe I was passive aggressive. Never mind the “maybe.” I was passive aggressive. That’s what happens when I can’t ask for what I need without being rejected or ridiculed or told that I am selfish for expecting something from him. I’d like to blame him for it but I’m the boss of me. I’m the one who made the choice to be passive aggressive. I have to own that. And I have to own that I still don’t fully fathom the impact he’s had on me.
I’m an addict.
I’m addicted to him.
I’m addicted to the way I feel when I’m with him the good, not the bad, though sometimes I believe I would accept the bad in order to also have the good. Maybe, possibly, if I’m just good enough and try hard enough and all the stars are aligned then maybe I’ll get some of the good. He’s so misunderstood, you see? He tells me so and so I have to believe that I’m just not giving him enough credit or being fair or being realistic. And he has ”legitimate excuses” for everything he does or doesn’t do. He was depressed. Then there was the physical pain: his elbow, his back, his guts. Then there was the dizziness that came and went, sometimes confining him to bed with the remote and sometimes miraculously disappearing just when something entertaining was planned. Then there was the encroachment of his privacy after we had to get roommates in order to help pay the rent because we only had my disability income to live on and all the money left to me by my father was gone at last. Then there were the accusations of flirting and disloyalty on my part that made him sad and sent him back into that depression. Then there was the day he called me a “stupid f*cking c*nt” and told me that he “deserved better from the woman who supposedly loved him.” Except I wasn’t supposed to internalize those words because he was just processing his thoughts about the anger he’d felt over something trivial and thought he could share that processing with me. But he didn’t explain that he was recalling his thoughts or just processing them and wondering why he’d thought and felt those things. He just said the words aloud and left me to sit with them for 2 weeks and then, when I finally broke down in tears over them said, “What?! Oh God! I was just describing what I felt at the time! Not what I think of you!” and the logic of that escaped me because the words had had 2 weeks to sit inside of me, carving themselves into my cells. Eight months later, they still echo in my head almost every hour of every day. But I’m not allowed to be hurt or be upset by them because, of course, they’re not true. He was just processing his feelings. I’m supposed to be glad he did that, right? That’s what women want, right? A man who will process his feelings with her.
I’m addicted to the memory of him when he was in a good mood and loved me.
I’m addicted to the energy and space he took up in every place we were together.
I was addicted to the constant texting and phone calls that happened before we lived together and the roller coaster drama of trying to prove that he should choose me and not that other woman because she’s a liar and a cheat while I’m faithful and devoted and loyal and dedicated no matter what he does or says or what promises he broke in the 3 years before we lived together.
I was addicted to proving that I’m good enough and that I can accept and forgive and love him unconditionally while he spent time trying to decide between us, despite having gone back on his assurance that he was going to give her up and come be with me a half dozen times or more.
I was addicted to putting him back together after she chewed him up and spit him out and to being his best friend while he agonized over how much she hurt him and to being the woman he turned at last to because he suddenly realized that I’m the right choice and I’m the perfect person for him.
I was addicted to riding out his struggle with commitment and his inability to plan for the future because so many other women have hurt him and left him and devastated him.
I was addicted to proving to him that I’ll stand by him always, no matter the hardship, no matter the tests he throws my way, no matter the pain he causes.
I was addicted to martyring myself to his cause, to being the true blue girl in his life.
I’m addicted to him the way a child is perversely compelled to continuing to love the father that abused her and the mother that abandoned her, always going back for more, always desperate to prove she is worthy of their love because she thinks that if she just loves well enough or loves the right way then love won’t continue to hurt her the way it does now.
I’m addicted to continuing to send messages to his phone from my email. He makes unfair statements and I get angry and find myself glad that I broke up with him and just when I start to think I did the right thing he lifts me up with loving words and apologies and I sob over the fact that I’m the horrible person who “destroyed his life”
I’m addicted to the way he says, “It was my fault for not loving you well enough baby,” as if somehow that love will seep into me from the computer screen and make it possible for me to trust myself again ”¦ after so many do-overs and so many 2nd chances that the idea of it only being a “second” chance is laughable. More like a 30th or 40th chance.
I’m addicted to being able to tell him exactly how much pain he caused me without any immediate consequence and watching his apologies and regret appear in my chat window ”¦ knowing that he’ll manage to turn things around so they become guilt trips rather than accountability ”¦ and praying that it won’t happen because that might be a sign from God that he’s sincerely sorry and things would be different this time. This 41st second chance.
I’m addicted to apologizing ”¦ to feeling guilty ”¦ to punishing myself ”¦ to hating myself for ending our relationship ”¦ for ending my dream ”¦ so that he’ll understand that I really did love him. I just have to love him from a distance now because I can’t live in a home where both of us hate me. It’s painful enough that I hate myself for not being good enough for him, that I hate my inadequacy and my inability to live up to even his most basic expectations.
I’m addicted to reminding myself that he almost punched me in the face once, to reminding myself that that is reason enough to have left him. And I’m addicted to being angry at him because he says, “But I didn’t actually hit you!” I’m angry at him for that because it’s the lamest response I can think of to an act of aggression that could have turned into an act of violence. And I’m angry because I’m addicted to telling myself, “It could have been worse. So many people have it so much worse. Just let it go. He didn’t actually hit you.”
I’m addicted to trying to take less responsibility for the way my life turned out ”¦ to blaming him for what hurts me. And I’m addicted to being angry at myself for the way my life turned out ”¦ and angry at myself for blaming him for what hurts me. I’m addicted to that anger because I’m accountable for myself and my life and for what I allow ”¦ and no matter how much I felt like I loved him ”¦ I was supposed to love myself first and best and I didn’t.
I’m addicted to my new reality ”¦ the reality in which nothing seems right without that drama and chaos even though this calm, quiet, peaceful life is healthier and safer and more trustworthy. Even though this life is beautiful. And I’m angry at myself for this particular addiction more than anything else.
That’s how I know I’m an addict. I’m a co-dependent, enabling, door mat of an addict.
Because when I say that I miss the way I felt when I was with him ”¦ I know that’s my addiction doing the talking.
Because when I’m honest with myself I can say that most days I felt desperate to prove to him that I was worthy of his notice.
Most days I felt like a piece of worthless garbage.
Most days I felt like I was a stupid f*cking c*nt and that he deserved better than me.
And that may not be entirely his fault ”¦ because I participated.
But most days I felt incapable of being anything other than that worthless piece of garbage and I don’t know how someone who “supposedly” loved me could not see that there was something wrong.
I know I’m an addict ”¦ because I was willingly living on scraps ”¦”¦ and I was starving ”¦ and it was killing me ”¦ and I miss that feeling of dying.
still reeling, it’s true no? decent men (and women) make different choices to the men ( and women) who brought us here. x
Serenity, please regard Louise and Tea as 100% correct in that emailing him is to your detriment, you will find nothing but misery in return. As they said, take it one day, one minute at a time. I quit smoking that way and it’s been over 20 yrs! I just told my very addictive self that I would not take the next one, not that I was quitting (that was too huge to accept) but just that I would not take the *next* cigarette. Lo and behold, it worked.
I am very sorry that I did email him once after he was fired. The response I got was awful. 5 words, basically wishing me comfort and peace. It’s difficult to believe that someone who screwed up their own life, that of their wife, child and prob many other women, was still so above it all as to respond in such a condescending way. So please, don’t agonize yourself….one minute at a time.
Yes Tea, decent folks do not act this way. Even semi-decent folks. I feel horrible guilt for my behaviors during the time I was under his spell and take full responsibility for myself. I was wrong. I don’t feel too decent at all and not sure how to turn that around. I can’t blame him entirely for sucking me in, but I was so ready for it. My husband is not affectionate nor does he know how to verbally support me. But still waters run deep and I know that….he is a decent person. I just have to try and forgive myself. Therapy has been very helpful w/these feeling re: my husband. I’ve always lived in a bubble of guilt, so it’s home cooking to me!
still reeling, anyone can make a mistake, my abuser is married, he lied to me for six months, then when he ‘revealed’ the truth I was so brain washed I maintained contact for two more months. I don’t know the exact situation you were in, but it seems loud and clear that you are commited to not repeating mistakes, and you should be loudly applauded for that! We live, and we learn, those of us that want to learn. So no shame. Just a commitment to not repeating mistakes is what ‘ll keep us on the right path. Love to you x
Yes, once again, you are correct Tea. I have never cheated on anyone, not even a boyfriend, certainly not my husband. Have I fanticized?? Of course! And so does my husband!
I understand your situation and the brainwashing. This blog just blows my mind as I read these stories of hurt, abuse, manipulation written by the most thougtful, insightful and intelligent people one would ever want to know. It just intensifies my sense of wonder and curiosity as to how one can know quite well they are being ensnared and walk right into the cage. Perhaps some posters were unaware. I’d like to think I was as well. Initially I was swept away by his apparent attraction to me at my age, etc. In just a short time, I could see it was nothing but hurt and pain ahead. Like I said in another post, home cooking for me, however, no excuses. No one’s fault but my own. We make our own choices and I knew it was totally, 100% wrong. I was unable to resist the pull however, and I guess I just didn’t want to.
A psych once told me that I equate hurt and love. This was decades ago before I was married and was so miserable not being able to find myself, anxious, unable to be attracted to decent men, feeling so low, etc. Never had a shred of confidence in myself.
When I went to work in the same office as path (he was my manager and hired me-said something inappropriate the very first time we interviewed) I was feeling pretty good even after being laid off after 20 amazing, devoted yrs w/corporate America (admitted age discrim). I garnered strength rather than defeat from this experience, only to be stung w/this inhuman moron’s poison.
Onward.
I hate this feeling inside of me BUT I am greatful to have support here.
The thoughts that come in my head to contact him are so hard to ignore. It’s truely a battle. I know if I do, he will only hurt me.
The fantasy is that he will miss me and want to be with me and not his new victim. Crazy huh. My head knows this is not real.
He is lying to her too because I was with him last weekend when I saw a text from her and she said “I love you, baby” I thought I was going to be sick. And I have felt sick ever since.
He told me that he was not in a relationship and that he loved me and cared about me.
He has lied soooo much and yet I rationalized it away, (with his help, of course).
I have so much to be greatful for in my life. I’m trying to focus on that.
To Be Free, That’s right, focus on that, on the good things you have, these will sustain you and strengthen you. Use them as a foundation for your new life, a life which you can live as a more aware person, eyes open to the unfortunate reality that there are disordered unpleasant people out there whose actions are not restrained by guilt or compassion or a sense of what is right. Then, knowing this, they can be sidelined and you can keep your inner circle of people abuse free and know better how to cope if you run into an abusive person in a work or social situation.
It’s very early days for you. Just take it one day at a time. Just do today, today. And come here and tell us you are wanting to contact your ex and wait for a reply before you do it, commit to that, at least. For you, not for anyone else, but for you, because you want to stay safe and get through this . No contact is the best way. x
stillreeling, exactly, you have never cheated on anyone, Lou didn’t cheat on anyone, neither did I. Should I have walked away immediately? If I could have done, if I had been mentally and emotionally string enough to, God knows I would have done. Will I go back? Never. That’s all that’s required, that we learn. Sounds to me like you had a run in with a very unpleasant manipulator, glad you’re here and sharing your story. Love to you. x
Love to you as well, Tea. I don’t know if this particular manipulator was much different than others I’ve read about here and elsewhere. It was my deep, deep well of insecurity and neediness that I believe made it so easy for him to do whatever it was he was doing. He certainly didn’t love-bomb me. Most of the tiny things he did went right over my head once I started working there. He barely spoke to me at all at that pt except to mandate that we go to lunch the first day. I did everything to get out of it. I didn’t like him, wasn’t attracted to him, and as I said, found him smarmy. As lunch thankfully ended, I said, “Well this is a nice place.” It was a dump. He said in a voice so inaudible, I didn’t even really hear it, “There are lots of other nice places around here.” I figured it was small talk and maybe it was!
This is the kind of stuff he said. If that little comment meant anything, (Let’s go out again!) I don’t know. I took it as a comment. I wasn’t interested.
They just cause so much cog diss, for me, once he really did hit on me, I couldn’t tell a normal comment from a come-on. Then there were times that he was so obvious (You can do no wrong in my eyes! You know that don’t you?) I had to believe he had true feeling for me. Then dismissive for days. I was lost in all of it, after 20 some years of marriage, 3 layoffs between us, the horrible economy and unemployment situation, raising a child, FT job, etc., I suppose I had lost touch with myself. He awakened something in me and I let it happen. Dammit.
Still, I can so relate(again) my ex doesn’t compare to some if the horror stories but I realize from others that it COULD and WOULD have escalated to that point. He didn’t steal money from me or ever hit me so I questioned as well was I just weak and insecure and made it easy to walk all over me? I hear you!! But he made those “comments” all too often as well. And like you I was NOT at all attracted to him even after the first time we slept together 4 years ago I remember him saying “just don’t fall in love w me” (cause he had a new baby and GF he was lying to) and I remember thinking “oh don’t worry I won’t I’m too embarassed to tell anyone we even slept together” And I FELT that I was WAY out of his league!!! Then it just progressed and I got hooked!!! Why?? What changed?? Now I’m falling at his feet begging for him to give me closure and HE wants nothing to to with ME??? Like guy have you seen you? Have ya seen me? These days I feel I sank to his level…I feel as ugly as I thought he was back then. I want my old self back…or do I? Was I flawed back then to get caught up w him in the first place…how do I know?
To be Free, I’ve done the same thing with the rationalizing. I’m starting to look back and remember events and be like “Why did I ever put up with that?” But I’m still at the stage where I’m hating myself for it… I haven’t forgiven myself. I hope that happens soon. Its taxing! Recently I was telling a story that there was one time when I had had an old friend(male) pass away and I am best friends with his sister(who did NOT like my exspath) So for the funeral I decided to just go alone with my parents. My ex didn’t know him at all. I explained to him that I’d rather go alone to support my friend and help with the clean-up etc…. When I got homw I poured myself a glass of wine and took a bath…I was crying and he came in and sat on the toilet. I figured he was going to ask me how the funeral was and have sympathy. Instead he said the following: “I want to ask you something and want you to be dead honest….is the reason you didn’t ask me to go to the funeral because there were guys there from your past that you are sleeping with?”
My heart sank. Are you kidding? I’m BAWLING in the tub cause I lost a friend that day and THAT’S what you conclude?? That was 2 years ago… I still didn’t pack my things and leave….he kept “explaining what he meant and how HE FELT!” He made me feel bad about not understanding how HE FELT! How did a funeral of my friend turn into being all about HIM! HOW SELFISH!! I HATE that story!! I HATE him!