Editor’s note: The following was posted as a comment by the Lovefraud reader “Zootowngirl.” She eloquently expressed ideas that many other readers can certainly understand.
I read the articles and comments posted on Lovefraud.com and I see my life, or parts of it, described over and over again. I see things my ex did (or didn’t do) written in the words of other people. I see myself in their stories. Often I find myself thinking, “Thank God my experience wasn’t that bad or that long,” and other times I nod my head in silent, humiliated understanding that comes with first hand knowledge of the horror stories people share.
My ex has the most beautiful soul. He is kind and compassionate and loving. He is the most thrilling person I’ve ever known. Until he’s not. When he’s upset or inconvenienced or, God forbid, angry, he turns into someone cold and hostile. His comments are scathing, filled with razor sharp words that open veins in my heart and leave me gasping at the pain. He is a master at flaying open my emotions and then disavowing any responsibility or ill intent. He used to tell me that I didn’t understand what he meant, that I was hysterical, or that I twisted his meaning for my own passive aggressive purposes. Maybe I was passive aggressive. Never mind the “maybe.” I was passive aggressive. That’s what happens when I can’t ask for what I need without being rejected or ridiculed or told that I am selfish for expecting something from him. I’d like to blame him for it but I’m the boss of me. I’m the one who made the choice to be passive aggressive. I have to own that. And I have to own that I still don’t fully fathom the impact he’s had on me.
I’m an addict.
I’m addicted to him.
I’m addicted to the way I feel when I’m with him the good, not the bad, though sometimes I believe I would accept the bad in order to also have the good. Maybe, possibly, if I’m just good enough and try hard enough and all the stars are aligned then maybe I’ll get some of the good. He’s so misunderstood, you see? He tells me so and so I have to believe that I’m just not giving him enough credit or being fair or being realistic. And he has ”legitimate excuses” for everything he does or doesn’t do. He was depressed. Then there was the physical pain: his elbow, his back, his guts. Then there was the dizziness that came and went, sometimes confining him to bed with the remote and sometimes miraculously disappearing just when something entertaining was planned. Then there was the encroachment of his privacy after we had to get roommates in order to help pay the rent because we only had my disability income to live on and all the money left to me by my father was gone at last. Then there were the accusations of flirting and disloyalty on my part that made him sad and sent him back into that depression. Then there was the day he called me a “stupid f*cking c*nt” and told me that he “deserved better from the woman who supposedly loved him.” Except I wasn’t supposed to internalize those words because he was just processing his thoughts about the anger he’d felt over something trivial and thought he could share that processing with me. But he didn’t explain that he was recalling his thoughts or just processing them and wondering why he’d thought and felt those things. He just said the words aloud and left me to sit with them for 2 weeks and then, when I finally broke down in tears over them said, “What?! Oh God! I was just describing what I felt at the time! Not what I think of you!” and the logic of that escaped me because the words had had 2 weeks to sit inside of me, carving themselves into my cells. Eight months later, they still echo in my head almost every hour of every day. But I’m not allowed to be hurt or be upset by them because, of course, they’re not true. He was just processing his feelings. I’m supposed to be glad he did that, right? That’s what women want, right? A man who will process his feelings with her.
I’m addicted to the memory of him when he was in a good mood and loved me.
I’m addicted to the energy and space he took up in every place we were together.
I was addicted to the constant texting and phone calls that happened before we lived together and the roller coaster drama of trying to prove that he should choose me and not that other woman because she’s a liar and a cheat while I’m faithful and devoted and loyal and dedicated no matter what he does or says or what promises he broke in the 3 years before we lived together.
I was addicted to proving that I’m good enough and that I can accept and forgive and love him unconditionally while he spent time trying to decide between us, despite having gone back on his assurance that he was going to give her up and come be with me a half dozen times or more.
I was addicted to putting him back together after she chewed him up and spit him out and to being his best friend while he agonized over how much she hurt him and to being the woman he turned at last to because he suddenly realized that I’m the right choice and I’m the perfect person for him.
I was addicted to riding out his struggle with commitment and his inability to plan for the future because so many other women have hurt him and left him and devastated him.
I was addicted to proving to him that I’ll stand by him always, no matter the hardship, no matter the tests he throws my way, no matter the pain he causes.
I was addicted to martyring myself to his cause, to being the true blue girl in his life.
I’m addicted to him the way a child is perversely compelled to continuing to love the father that abused her and the mother that abandoned her, always going back for more, always desperate to prove she is worthy of their love because she thinks that if she just loves well enough or loves the right way then love won’t continue to hurt her the way it does now.
I’m addicted to continuing to send messages to his phone from my email. He makes unfair statements and I get angry and find myself glad that I broke up with him and just when I start to think I did the right thing he lifts me up with loving words and apologies and I sob over the fact that I’m the horrible person who “destroyed his life”
I’m addicted to the way he says, “It was my fault for not loving you well enough baby,” as if somehow that love will seep into me from the computer screen and make it possible for me to trust myself again ”¦ after so many do-overs and so many 2nd chances that the idea of it only being a “second” chance is laughable. More like a 30th or 40th chance.
I’m addicted to being able to tell him exactly how much pain he caused me without any immediate consequence and watching his apologies and regret appear in my chat window ”¦ knowing that he’ll manage to turn things around so they become guilt trips rather than accountability ”¦ and praying that it won’t happen because that might be a sign from God that he’s sincerely sorry and things would be different this time. This 41st second chance.
I’m addicted to apologizing ”¦ to feeling guilty ”¦ to punishing myself ”¦ to hating myself for ending our relationship ”¦ for ending my dream ”¦ so that he’ll understand that I really did love him. I just have to love him from a distance now because I can’t live in a home where both of us hate me. It’s painful enough that I hate myself for not being good enough for him, that I hate my inadequacy and my inability to live up to even his most basic expectations.
I’m addicted to reminding myself that he almost punched me in the face once, to reminding myself that that is reason enough to have left him. And I’m addicted to being angry at him because he says, “But I didn’t actually hit you!” I’m angry at him for that because it’s the lamest response I can think of to an act of aggression that could have turned into an act of violence. And I’m angry because I’m addicted to telling myself, “It could have been worse. So many people have it so much worse. Just let it go. He didn’t actually hit you.”
I’m addicted to trying to take less responsibility for the way my life turned out ”¦ to blaming him for what hurts me. And I’m addicted to being angry at myself for the way my life turned out ”¦ and angry at myself for blaming him for what hurts me. I’m addicted to that anger because I’m accountable for myself and my life and for what I allow ”¦ and no matter how much I felt like I loved him ”¦ I was supposed to love myself first and best and I didn’t.
I’m addicted to my new reality ”¦ the reality in which nothing seems right without that drama and chaos even though this calm, quiet, peaceful life is healthier and safer and more trustworthy. Even though this life is beautiful. And I’m angry at myself for this particular addiction more than anything else.
That’s how I know I’m an addict. I’m a co-dependent, enabling, door mat of an addict.
Because when I say that I miss the way I felt when I was with him ”¦ I know that’s my addiction doing the talking.
Because when I’m honest with myself I can say that most days I felt desperate to prove to him that I was worthy of his notice.
Most days I felt like a piece of worthless garbage.
Most days I felt like I was a stupid f*cking c*nt and that he deserved better than me.
And that may not be entirely his fault ”¦ because I participated.
But most days I felt incapable of being anything other than that worthless piece of garbage and I don’t know how someone who “supposedly” loved me could not see that there was something wrong.
I know I’m an addict ”¦ because I was willingly living on scraps ”¦”¦ and I was starving ”¦ and it was killing me ”¦ and I miss that feeling of dying.
serenity12:
No, I was not “with” him for three years. I was only with him for a short time and then he disappeared and then he came back and tried to keep me on the line, but for what, I don’t know. But it was all text for the most part…I only saw him twice in like two years…it was nothing like the relationship you had, but it was very emotionally damaging by the way he triangulated me with another woman at work who he still talks with even though he has thoroughly discarded me. Stupid me just kept trying to recreate the original “high” feelings and it never worked. He hates me now. My situation is the same as yours in that in the end, I was trying to stay in his life and he was rejecting me and now I received the FINAL rejection and that’s what pushed me into therapy. It is harder when they reject us instead of us rejecting them. I realize there is pain for some people when they are the ones doing the rejecting, but it wasn’t like that for me.
Yes, I still think about it every day even though it’s been over three years since I first started the relationship. It will be two full years this July that I have even seen the idiot…two whole years!!! And I still think about him every day. These days I have made my self focus on he is a cheater, liar, manipulator and a thief to reprogram my brain and you need to do the same. You do not, I repeat, do NOT want to end up like me.
I haven’t fully learned yet why I want his acceptance and approval since this past Tuesday was only my first session, but if I think about it, it seems to me that I want it because he held such a high position at the company we worked for (but he was FIRED in February…haha, he DESERVED it) and he was so charming…I felt chosen and special when he wanted to hook up with me…wanted me in his life, but it was all a CON! So after he took me on the highest high and then dropped me, I still want that acceptance and approval. But like I said, I am reprogramming by brain by telling myself over and over and over, he’s a cheater, cheater, cheater…he’s a liar, liar, liar…he’s a thief, thief, thief. The same way we ruminate and tell ourselves all kinds of other things in our heads, I figured if I started telling myself about all his bad qualities, it will eventually sink in and it is. You should try it! I think you are also addicted to the drama being with him creates…I was, too. That’s why you keep running back to it. Good luck to you!!!
serenity. NC.
So glad you’re leaving for vaca. It’s upsetting that you have to keep the emails. I *FIRMLY* believe that hi tech is a sociopath’s playground and the worst thing that could have happened to their prey. Having only a landline probably saved millions from the horrors of the socio. Oh yes, they found ways before tech, but having your cell on 24/7, texting, email, FB and all the rest are just more and easier ways for them to urge you into the web of agony and total devastation at any time they feel like it and makes it too easy to give into the desire to break NC. These guys are total lazy asses who don’t care a wit about anyone but themselves, and if they didn’t have such easy access, would end up watching porn or going to sleep over getting in touch on a landline, making plans, etc.
Those of us who have been prey are in such a vulnerable position because they are only a touch away from us and the connection always leads to disaster. ALWAYS. It’s way too easy.
I’m SO glad I told path I didn’t have a cell phone. I can’t even imagine the games he would have played with me, the fact that my husband might have seen his calls, my daughter. OMG. I am so freaking glad. I can see where I might have been living in someone’s basement right now, with my own child never speaking to me again if I had admitted to a cell phone. OMG
Serenity, NC.
Good post Louise…boy do I hear you and also relate. I, too, wanted that high high, that admiration, that appreciation, that lusty feeling, bursting with life. I even looked different, younger! Weirdly, people noticed it! “You look great today, wow, working out really *does* make a difference, why are you glowing?” Some very serious guy on the elevator at work complimenting me – obviously so out of character for him.. Then the misery of the fall….
I’m sorry about the “final rejection,” whatever that was, but if it pushed you into therapy and the therapy helps you exorcise the beast, it’s all to the good. Hey, you know, with a path, maybe it’s better to be rejected. If you had, by some magic, gotten hit in the gut along the way with how rotten he was and how much you despised him as a result, it could have been dangerous for you. These nuts don’t like rejection and G-d knows how he or any of them would have reacted. “You dare knock the king off his throne? We’ll see about that.”
I, too, fell for his position in the office. Many times, I could say with full honesty, if he had been a peer, I would have thought, “OMG, buzz off, freaking weirdo!” Unbelieveable when I think of some of the bizarre things he said out of thin air, then just disappeared, leaving me blinking, staring and wondering, “What the hell just happened?”Always feeling cheated, unfinished, filled with angst and desperate hope. Phooey.
I so hope the reprogramming, therapy and your upbeat outlook will keep you uplifted and soon completely free of path. Paths are not there in any sense for anyone so to go to them is to go to emptiness. I know this of ex-path and it’s true for all the rest of them as well. They are not there in the sense of being able to respond or even remember what you’re talking about from one min to the next. As you said, it’s a “con,” just like any other con, just much worse than being mugged after one beautiful evening. In this case, it’s an emotional mugging that is occurring even as they’re being ever so sweet and kind and thoughtful, then “OOPs I have a call. Have to take this. Gotta run!” And leaving you once again, bereft, empty, feeling like a kid who caught a falling star, full of excitement and joy, only to open their palm and feel the burning disappointment of nothingness.
The acceptance thing…for sure. Paths set it up that way but it only works with certain types of personalities. I think my path got fired because he was ratted out by someone who not only didn’t care about being accepted by him but was thoroughly disgusted and had him dumped. I, too, am so glad that happened to him. He knew his time was coming. He told me so but in the end he showed his true wimpy, 3 yr old colors. It was heinous. Conning me until the last moment, trying to keep me on his side. I have to say, I still have problems quieting my emotions towards the image I created of him but that image has nothing to do with the real him. The few glimpses I had into his sick sadistic self made me want to spew. Very very unattractive.
Hugs and glad you sound so well!!!!!! Onward and upward!
Mincheff Joyce, when you say what you say about rape by fraud being illegal in three states……what do you mean and can you please provide a link of some sort reflecting this? I’m not able to ind any such information on the Internet.
Thanks,
D2
It’s painful to hear so many voices chime in about their own nightmares. Why does this happen? What is that paints a huge target on one person’s head but not anothers?
I accepted so much that was wrong…accepted his hostility and his continual rejection….and pushed myself hard to “be a better person” and to “try harder” so that he would love me again. It came to me, at some point, that I’m programmed…have been programmed since childhood….to accept things that aren’t healthy. I had no choice, as a child. My biological father was as abusive as they come – physically, sexually, emotionally, and intellectually. I had to accept his treatment of me because I was little. I stored that information somewhere inside of me. When I met my ex, he chose to put me in a position that triggered my program…..the program in which I keep working harder, giving more and accepting scraps…..and I realize now that he catapulted me backward in time…so far back that I was 5 years old again and accepting things that no one should have to accept…because I had no choice.
I am programmed to accept the unacceptable.
I hate saying that. I feel as if it’s akin to saying “I’m a victim. Pity me.” and I hate that idea. I hate the idea that I’m continually victimized by my ex because I struggle to get over him….because I don’t want to be over him….I want the thing we had….that original love….that original passion….that hot sex and the amazing conversations that lasted for hours and the way he had of saying my name that made me die of happiness inside. I don’t want to be over him. And I have to be….because if I cant get over him then I can’t have any kind of life. I don’t know how to get past this addiction.
I’m sorry for my rambling. I don’t even know what I’m asking or why I’m posting. I just needed to say something….anything….to get my own attention. I need to hear my own voice….to be my own authority….to give myself permission to be angry at him for hurting me so badly….to give myself permission to admit that I am (was) hurt badly rather than just brushing things off. And I need to be angry with myself for accepting so much abuse without coming apart at the seams. I need to find a way to tolerate the feelings I have toward myself….feelings he is integral in instilling in me….feelings about my own incompetence and stupidity and unworthiness.
I want him to feel what I feel….just for a day…..and then explain how I’m supposed to recover from that. Stupid. Childish. Petty. But true. I want him to hurt this badly for a single day. Okay…honestly I want him to feel this way for at least a month but limiting it to a day makes me sound like a better person, right? I want him to explain how he expected me to be able to live knowing that I’m so unworthy of any kind of love or gentleness or kindness. I want him to feel the nauseating self-loathing that he instilled in me and to understand how deep the damage goes. It’s childish and wrong and I cannot stop wanting it. I am ashamed of that. Bitterness….resentment….blind self-hatred….it’s all like peeing on your own shoes. The only person who suffers is you.
I don’t understand why it’s so hard for me to allow that, while I’m accountable for my choices, that I’m not the bad guy here….that it’s not my fault that he got lost somewhere and is behaving like a sociopath (I still don’t know how to call him one most of the time).. I don’t know why my brain can’t let him go. He hurt me so badly….and I love him. I want us the way things were and I want the way I felt when things were good and sometimes I think I actually *would* still take the bad just to have that intoxicating feeling again. So, same story, different day. My mindset reads like an “Addiction 101” syllabus.
Sometimes I don’t know which is worse….the pain he inflicted, all the while telling me that he loved me……or the pain I inflicted on myself by standing by him and being loyal to him when it was so obvious that he had no idea what loving someone should look like.
I always say, “he was such a good man….such a good person…..that just got lost.” Last week my therapist said something so profound that I had to stop her and make her repeat it about 4 tmes so I could write it down. I read it every day and I’ll continue to read it every day until it gets into my DNA somehow.
In response to me saying, “He was such a good man….such a good person…that just got lost” the therapist said, “Okay. Let’s say for a minute that you’re right. Let’s say he is a good man that got lost somewhere in the course of his life and, when he met you, he didn’t know that he was getting ready to spiral out of control. It could certainly be true. Good people get lost all the time and do things they shouldn’t do and hurt people they love. Sometimes hurt them badly. But people who are merely lost still manage to know the difference between right and wrong. If someone chooses not to pay attention to that knowledge then they are more than just lost. They are CULPABLE.
Admitting that to yourself is probably more painful than describing him as a good man who got lost in his own dysfunction and his own pain because, if he’s culpable, you have to admit that he hurt you knowingly and did nothing to stop himself from hurting you. If he hurt you on purpose then it *was* a lie and he *didn’t* love you and that’s what you don’t want to consider. I don’t know which it was and neither do you and that reality bothers you. You don’t know what was real and what wasn’t and you have no chance of knowing. So, now’s the time to focus less on him and his thought processes and more on you and yours. Forget about him for a few minutes at a time. Just promise yourself 5 minutes of [his name] free thinking every time he comes into your head. Just 5 minutes. Distract yourself with something. Go for a walk. Read. Watch television. Paint. Sing. Cook. It doesn’t matter. Just give yourself 5 minutes free of him and the constant spinning on what may or may not have been real for him. Focus on what’s real for you, right here, right now, today. Stay in the moment for 5 minutes. One day it will be 10 minutes. Next thing you know, you won’t remember why you were thinking about him. It’s not a perfect solution. It’s just a start. But YOU have to be the focus of YOUR life.. Everything else can take a damn number.”
I really love that therapist. I really do.
Much love to all….
zootowngirl,
You weren’t rambling at all;it made perfect sense!It always helps to get thoughts ‘through’ our brain circuits if we talk or write it out.That’s why you love counseling so much!I used to think counseling was someone “putting stuff in your head” and resisted the idea.But I’ve loved it,because it has helped me to untwist my mind!
I LOVE NC!It hasn’t been difficult for me at all.I have explained in my posts that I had already ‘fallen out’ of love with spath.As far as technology goes,it’s easy to block emails.I don’t know how to block phone # on cell phones;I just have told everyone not to give him my #.I have a landline~the volume is turned off.I know that I cannot start talking to him,because he knows how to use his voice like a hypnotist,and charm you right back where he wants you…under his control.Then he leaves you to die.No more charm.
Zootowngirl, thank you for writing that down and sharing it.
Zootowngirl,
I thought your post was great..it fit in line exactly with my experience. I was with my spath over 10, on and off years, and I couldn’t understand why I was never good enough for him but at the same time he wouldn’t let me go. Your story about picking up the pieces when the other woman threw him out was classic for me. I did it time and time again…sticking up for him and being humiliated at the same time…so many horrible feelings in that relationship, I eventually wound up addicted to alcohol and checked myself into rehab.That was the very beginning I did something for me and at the same time realized that he was nothing but a big bottle of bottom shelf vodka. As I worked my steps for my alcoholism, I also worked the steps to get the obsession of him out of my head. It took time, and mistakes, but now, even though he is the father of one of my children, I can say I see him as a nothing. I never believe a word he says…I went from wanting to spend the rest of my life with him to being totally disgusted in his presence..I luv the idea of no contact, but with a 13 year old daughter, I need to protect her from as much manipulation as I can..but she’s starting to see through him, I know it’s hard for her, because she knows what normal is, I hope she will continue to grow in a positive light..
Zootowngirl,
Thank you for your post. It is one that I could have written. My thought process is so similar!! Why do we want to be with one that we know is going to torment us?? It is so hard to wrap my head around it. I like being on LF because it is people who understand! I try to convey what is going on in my head to those around me but it just doesn’t work. They don’t get it.
I have tried to start doing something for me everyday, even if it is only a small thing.
Right now, where I live it is spring time and the weather is getting warm. This is very difficult because we would be planning trips, concerts, bike rides, etc. OH THOSE DARN MEMORIES! Why not remember the fights, the twist and turns of making everything my fault, of emotional blackmail, and then the discarding and now a new victim!
God, I want off this train!!
Zootowngirl, I hear you I was there and its amazing how things start to reprogram in your brain once you start to commit to it. I was alway so baffled of why this happened to me and why I allowed myself to get into this toxic situation. I have a great family (now) but looking back my therapist made me see that this was due to a distant and controlling MOTHER(I always figured it was a daddy issue that caused weakness in relationships as adults) but my father was great it was my MOTHER. But now that I know I can start to reprogram my brain. Read some books regarding “neuroplastisity” and how the brain CAN be re-wired(with the exception of sociopaths with permanent brain damage) but you CAN re-wire and reprogram the way you think. It taked work and I am slowly going through the journey now.
And To be Free, I hear you about the memories….Sunday’s especially are hard for me because we would always do something with his son then he and I would usually make a nice dinner and watch a movie. I’ve been starting to REPLACE these memories with something else and making it a habit. Every Sunday now I cook dinner for someone….a friend, my neighbor, my family is coming over tonight. And then I say out loud 3 reasons why I am NOT with him…. that usually works for me anyway?
Much Love
Also To be Free, I am hurting right now that my exspath has a new victim….They are in the stage that we were at first(she’s even cleaning and re-arranging his house JUST like I did) My bigest fear is that they will never get to the stage that he was with me….what if they do find happiness, get married, have a baby, and live happily ever after? What if it was just me? What if he doesn’t discard her like he did me and the one before me?? I don’t want him to find happiness!! Every other ex I’ve had I’m ELATED for them now as they were healthy breakups and I did not wish them ill….this is different. Can’t help those types of thoughts today….
Reading this, today, made me nod my head.
I want my ex to be happy. But I don’t want him to be too happy. Actually, in my childish, addicted way, I don’t want him to be happy without me. I want him to have a sudden burst of clarity in which he “sees” his mistakes and his thinking errors and is miraculously cured. I want him to be healthy and productive and well adjusted and to be the man he always said he was. I want all of this for him….but I want it for me too. If I’m honest, I want it all for me. Because I want him to write and tell me how wrong he was…how much he understands about the damage he did to me and to us and even to himself. I want him to make his amends and I want him to spend the rest of his life proving himself to me the way I spent those 5 years proving myself to him.
All I need is a Disney theme song and a princess dress and I’ll be set.
I can’t shake the feeling that I have only progressed an inch when I should have progressed a mile from the day I wrote my original post. It’s been 13 months since we broke up and moved apart. It’s been 7 months since he tried to get me back and, when I was on the verge of saying “yes”, pulled the rug out from under me for umpteenth time and said, “I’ve suddenly realized that I still have some anger toward you because you broke up with me and I don’t feel that I can trust you not to hurt me again.” He actually wrote me a letter, after re-grooming me for 10 weeks, that began with the words “My Dearest Love” and went on to say that it was time we moved on to new and separate futures. He finished with a few lines about being in love with me always and wanting me to take care of myself and to find the joyous life I deserved.
It has always been mind blowing to me that my ex is/was angry with me for “rejecting and abandoning” him when I broke off our relationship. I expect that most people feel a bit rejected or abandoned when their relationships end. But it has always stunned me that he could not see…would not see…was incapable of seeing that the feelings of rejection and abandonment he experienced because our relationship was ending were exactly the same feelings I experienced while the relationship was in full swing!!!
I want to understand him and myself and all that has happened between us without the incessant blaming and guilt mongering. I mean that in all sincerity. In my mind, being a sociopath or a psychopath or a borderline narcissist (the latter being, really, what I think my ex is) is a form of psychological illness. I cannot blame someone for having an illness. I can ask them to take as much responsibility for themselves as they are intellectually/emotionally capable of doing and I can ask them to get professional help to deal with the ramifications of the dysfunction of their neurotransmitters and etc. But how can I blame them if they had no part in creating the problem and don’t know/understand/realize/acknowledge that they have that problem? In all seriousness, am I being shortsighted or stupid here?
I have lived with PTSD and mild to major depression for several decades. Do any of you blame me for that fact? Do you think less of me for it? I haven’t always gotten professional help for my mental/emotional state, even when it was bad enough to push me to attempted suicide. Do you blame me for the failure of my neurotransmitters to do as expected? I’m not asking whether or not you hold me accountable for my actions. I expect you to do that. But do you blame me for the involuntary state of my mind?
I doubt that you would do that anymore than I would hold any of you responsible for such a circumstance. So how do I blame my narcissistic/borderline personality disorder ex for the state of his mind?
Hold him responsible for his actions? Yes.
Hold him responsible for his cruelty? Absolutely.
Blame him for his genetic and familial/environmental programming? I can’t.
Am I delusional or just ignorant?
Maybe I’m delusional AND ignorant.
I think about him every day.
I go to therapy….I work on myself….but I think about him daily.
I want to know what he’s doing…what he’s saying…who he’s saying it to.
I want him to see the damage he’s done.
I want him to see it…understand it….feel it…..because I live with it every day.
I am a different person because of my relationship with him.
I can hardly stand myself anymore.
I can’t stand that I’m so weak…that I’ve let him destroy everything I was proud of about myself.
Everything I loved about myself is gone.
There’s no point to thinking about him every day…and yet I do.
I had 2 disturbing dreams, back to back, last night.
The first was about someone who was trying to kill me….the relationship we developed as he continued to make that effort….the ways in which I protected him….the ways in which he loved me.
The second was about my ex breaking into my house repeatedly to return things that were mine and leave me notes….notes I answered….the way I felt hiding in the next room while he came in/went out through the kitchen window.
Waking up was maddening…..maddening because I couldn’t see him anymore…couldn’t hear his voice….couldn’t feel him nearby.
It’s as if I don’t exist anymore. It’s as if I’ve been replaced by a woman I don’t know.
He’s taken me out of me….and replaced it with him.
I feel like I’m losing my mind.
Happy2B1,
I felt that same frustration,wondering why did my husband hold on;why didn’t he just let go?!!Sometimes I was so desperate that I wished one of us would die…and it seemed like he had some kind of unnatural spirit keeping him going,despite his multiple health issues!And while he increased my stress,he didn’t seem to suffer at all!