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By | July 18, 2011 15 Comments

Introducing a new Lovefraud author, Mel Carnegie

“There are thousands if not millions of people out there who have been targeted by sociopaths and I intend to do all I can to help them!”

That’s what Mel (short for Melanie) Carnegie wrote when she first contacted me not long ago. She, like many of us, had unknowingly married a sociopath back in 1998. It’s a classic sociopathic seduction story they met, he swept her off her feet, they exchanged vows six days later. “I had never felt so loved, so safe, so special,” she wrote. “Of course, I now know it was all a sham.”

Mel and her husband started a business coaching company in the United Kingdom that’s where she’s from and attracted many blue chip clients. They prospered, with a beautiful home in the French countryside and investment properties in the UK.

At the beginning of 2009, Mel’s husband astarted spending more time in the UK, saying that he needed time to himself. The early part of that year was tortuous — Mel didn’t understand what was happening and her husband wasn’t able to give any useful or specific answers. Thinking that perhaps he was ill, she asked her company IT people for the password to her husband’s business account. Even though this was a perfectly normal request, she was filled with guilt about mistrusting him.

Her mistrust was well placed. To her horror, Mel uncovered an e-mail trail that indicated not illness, but massive betrayal. She wrote:

I discovered pages of hard cold evidence that showed he had been living a double life behind my back. Plundering our successful business to fund a high-flying lifestyle, running up debts, indulging in countless affairs and interacting on sordid internet sex-sites, I was hit with the hard cold realization that our idyllic life together had been nothing but a sham. We were even about to have our UK property repossessed because the mortgage had not been paid for over six months.

The moment the truth was out, I froze our business account and called in the liquidators to close the company. It was the only thing I could do.  He was in the UK at the time and I have neither seen nor spoken with him since the night I found him out. Abandoned, penniless and with a 13-year old son to support, I was catapulted in to a living nightmare.

As time went on, the extent of the debts came out of the woodwork — all of them in my name — amounting to tens of thousands of pounds. Nothing, of course, was in his name.

Dealing with the finance problems was, of course, monumental. But embarking on a journey of emotional and spiritual healing was even bigger. Like most of us, Mel realized that the betrayal by her husband was not the only wound that needed to be addressed. She wrote about her journey in her blog called, Life’s Little Lettuces. She’ll be telling you more about it here on Lovefraud.

Mel restarted her company, called The Top Banana Bunch, and it’s now a successful UK-based leadership development company, again with blue chip clients. She managed to save her home. Her husband is now her ex—the decree nisi for her divorce was granted last June, and the final divorce is coming soon.

I think Mel Carnegie will be a wonderful voice here on Lovefraud. She is a neuro-linguistic programming practitioner, an advanced Louise Hay trainer and a Firewalk instructor. She has also studied Reiki, hypnosis, transformational breathwork and other self-development tools.

Since Mel discovered the truth about the man she was married to, she has used all of her personal and professional skills to survive, re-build and ultimately break free of the living nightmare. Mel has come through, emerging wiser, stronger and more determined than ever to help others do the same.

Read Mel Carnegie’s first post tomorrow.


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I have been reading Life’s Little Lettuces for a while now and am very pleased that Mel is going to share her wisdom with the lovefraud community. She has a remarkable insight into her own situation which reflects many of the emotions that I went through and am still going through. This is brilliant news!

Thanks Mary – much appreciated. I am thoroughly looking forward to this new adventure. Lovefraud has helped me enormously in my own healing, so I’m delighted to now be part of the team. I glad of the opportunity to add my voice to this worthy crusade!

Ox Drover

Welcome, Mel, sorry you are a member of our “club”—I wish I could say we are “exclusive” LOL but unfortunately there are way too many victims of psychopaths in the world! Hopefully, more will find their way to LF and other healing sites! Again, welcome! Looking forward to reading your articles.

Thanks, Ox Drover – you’re right, sadly there are far too many of us out there! Sadder still, I am finding there are many more who are too scared or too ashamed to speak out… I sincerely hope that the more we bring this subject in to the public arena, the more we can ‘out’ these creatures and protect future innocent targets. As well as help those who have already suffered. I am looking forward to playing my part!

Ox Drover

Mel I read an article yesterday about sexual molestation of male children–ONE IN SIX! That is just absolutely off the Charts when you think about it.

I firmly believe that people who molest others sexually are high in P traits and that most molesters are actually psychopaths (score >30 on PCL-R) so frankly I think that the % of Paths estimated by Hare and others as 1-4% is very LOW if you consider that there is not really a “cut off score” and a guy with a score of 29 is just as toxic to others around him as one with a score of 31! Psychopathy just isn’t an “is or ain’t”—it is a continuum on which the various behaviors display themselves.

I think that by teaching people both how to avoid people high in P-traits, and in how to heal after they have encountered these traits and behaviors, we can at least extend a compassionate hand to those around us.

Hope to heal

Oxy ~ are you serious??? One in SIX? Holy crap!! That’s insanely high.

Ox Drover

H2H, Yep, it IS insanely high….I have special hatred “thing” for pedophiles, Charles “Jackie” Walls III, the son of one of our family friends, and a guy who used to work with my X-husband molested over 1500 kids over a 20 year period. He is in Prison in Arkansas (there was a TV show done on him as well) He also got one of the kids who did “tell” to murder his parents, and that eventually led to Jackie’s arrest and conviction…His father was a judge and also on General Patton’s legal staff. Fine man. One of the few honest land sharks I ever knew! The DA said that If she could have asked for death for Jackie she would have. He also raped his nephew and the boy killed himself.

Dr. Anna Salter is one of THE experts on child molestation and I’ve read her stuff and it will ‘curl your hair” without a permanent wave! I just ran across this statistic though on a site called “Time’s up” a DV support blog/information site.

By Anny Jacoby

Experts estimate that 1 in 6 boys are sexually abused before their 16th birthdays. This means that in any classroom or neighborhood full of children, there are children who are silently bearing the burden of sexual abuse. This is likely a low estimate, since it doesn’t include non-contact experiences, which can also have lasting negative effects.

audrey

Hi,

while I clearly fear and loath psychopaths like everyone else, I have a bit of a problem with unsubstantiated alarmism. What I mean is:

1. Could you give us a link to the article you mention? Regardless, the correctness of these statistics depends on a host of hard to verify at a glance variables, such as the study’s methodology (assuming it was an academic article) or alternatively the journalist’s competence and agenda.

2. Pedophiles don’t usually molest just one child, as you correctly mention, so the number of molested kids is likely far larger than the number of molesters (which you equate with psychopaths).

3. Moreover, not all molesters are psychopaths. A pedophile’s crimes might be the result of a sick mind that is still capable of experiencing guilt and remorse – the lack of which is psychopathy’s defining characteristic.

4. Once again, what was this study’s methodology? How was “molestation” defined? Unfortunately in our increasingly paranoid western culture even a hug can be seen as improper sexual attention. This is especially true when allegations can lead to lucrative litigation or the opportunity to shift blame for one’s own actions onto someone else (see Casey Anthony’s accusations against her relatives).

While I generally find this site/blog an amazing resource to raise awareness about the predators amongst us, I think that it becomes much less effective when anecdotes, personal experiences, and sensationalist news stories are generalised without critical judgement.

For example, extrapolating that the number of psychopaths in society at large is such and such from one’s personal family experience is clearly biased since psychopathy is genetically determined and thus tends to run in families. Similarly, certain criminal offences are culturally, socially, and economically mediated. This means that, for example, violent behaviours will likely crop up more often in a deprived environment than an affluent one regardless of each community’s averaged score on the PCL-R.

My point is that for healing purpouses personal stories and freewheel venting are great. On the other hand, I do feel that lovefraud loses a bit of educational credibility whenever hype is built on unsubstantiated news stories and the generalisation of personal experience.

But in my opinion the greatest danger of all is 1) mislabelling people who whilst troubled can be successfully treated (i.e. bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder, PTSD etc), and 2) launching devastating witch-hunts based on our own expectations of how someone’s behaviour should be as seen from afar. After all, not even Robert Hare felt confident enough to give Saddam Hussein – a stereotypical devil incarnate – a long-distance diagnosis of psychopathy.

Separating the treatable from the refractary and hence aiming either curative interventions or damage limiting strategies to the right targets is crucial if we are to lessen the devastation that psychopaths bring into our lives.

Back_from_the_edge

Welcome to Love Fraud Mel.
I look so forward to reading you.

Duped

eileen munro

Hi Mel. Sad life events brought you here, but wonderful you made it. Your positivity and effervescence can be only be a gain.

If my memory serves me well, the 1 in 4 and 1 in 6 are original stats from Ireland. Colm O Gorman who wrote the book Beyond Belief used the stats 1 in 4 as the name of his Charity set up in 1999 in London.

Your blog ‘Life Little Lettuces’ has kept me company for well over a year now. Look forward to reading much more.

Onwards

Eileen x

treselyan

Mel i have been privileged to be a part of your Journey from Love to Despair to Anger to Focus and to Victory. You are a remarkable woman who has endured so much with integrity and personal courage. You are an example and an inspiration to the thousands of women out there in emotional turmoil, some who know it and some may be able to find out now you are exposing these self serving destructive monsters that have no place in descent company.

Hey, thanks for commenting on my arrival… I am already starting to feel at home here 🙂

To Duped – thank you for the welcome, I am delighted to be here!

To Eileen – thanks for your encouragement

To Treselyan – strong words, much appreciated

My first post will be up today, I hope you will like it!

Mel x

Hi Mel. So glad you have joined the lovefraud squad. I know from personal experience that you have all the qualities and skills to help peple who have been victims of sociopaths. Two years ago, when things were still very raw for you, your openness allowed me to own my story. And wow, have I grown in confidence and self-belief! So much so that I don’t need those extra 14 kilos (about 28lbs) of padding that I used to protect myself – so it’s gone and there’s no way it’s going to come back. Lots of love xxx

Back_from_the_edge

Dear Mel: Looking so forward to reading you.
We sure can use all the ‘insight’ we can muster!
I am almost sure you have ‘secrets’ to share…..

*BLESSINGS* and thanks for coming to us…

DUPED

Lorna

Back in the late 80s and early 90s, I did a lot of fund raising for a child abuse council. The stats provided to us then, and also written in an article in the national Parade magazine (in Sunday newspapers) stated the number of abused children were 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 6 boys. The article was written by an attorney in NYC (Andew Vacca – or something like that, don’t remember his name exactly) who specializes in dealing with abuse victims.

I can appreciate Audrey’s point – essentially having verifiable data so not to dilute the validity of claims made herein, however I have also seen the same statistics as mentioned above. Most of my belongings are in storage, so I don’t have his article at hand to be able to provide specific sources.

Meanwhile, I look forward to reading your posts Mel, and welcome from me! I was fortunate not to get too entangled, thanks to reading posts here and learning to identify the signs.

I will say, I had to return here recently as the spath I met three months ago (whom I dumped immediately upon discovery before he got his fangs in me), has attempted to contact me again via email…saying he misses me. I am practicing NO CONTACT. I was surprised he tried again, but then I came back here to refresh my memory and keep my resolve strong.

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